Monday, December 22, 2008

Cheap Recession Vacations: Thailand

Let's face it. The economy is not that good as it used to be.

So, as always, we at Overated Outcast, continuing our endeavor of public service, have decided to help people who are low on cash but high on expectations help select a cheap but fun destination to go to during their measly two week vacations. Each edition will focus on a new country where you can go and spend your precious less-valuable-than-a-few-months-before rupee.

Today, our focus is on Thailand.

Thailand: Where the world goes to fcuk.

Every since the end of World War 2, whenever people have thought of having cheap, unemotional sex, the first thing that comes to their mind is Thailand. There is so much sex available in Thailand that they named their capital
after male genitalia. Chauvinistic? Yes. But then Whores-R-Us does not sound as appealing.

Anyways, besides exporting a number of sexually transmitted diseases, the country is also famous for exporting deposed, rich ex-prime ministers who after losing their office buy an English football team which although belongs to Manchester, is dumbfuckingly not Manchester United. Really smart move there, sparky. That is why most people in your country hate you. That and the unending corruption.

Most evenings in Thailand are spent watching Muay Thai, which is the Thai name for a sport in which half-naked teenagers fight each other. In English, the sport is called Weird Asian Gay Foreplay.

Pictured Above: Weird way to determine who would be on Top

Although Thailand is a constitutional monarchy, it's people invent new and improved ways to throw out their government. When not having sex or servicing tourists looking for sex, people in Thailand like to spend their leisure time rewriting their constitution.

Pictured above: The Bill & Hillary Clinton of Thailand

In fact, as soon as a government is sworn in, the process of replacing it with another government begins. That is why there are more ex-prime ministers in Thailand's parliament than actual legislators.

Pictured above: A meeting of all of Thailand's former Prime Ministers

Thailand is also famous for making bootleg porn movies a.k.a. secretly hiding a movie camera in your hotel room and capturing you on film doing things that your favorite religious leader would frown upon.

So, as they say in Thailand, You cumming???

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Ten Things that will not "change" India

10. Watching Suhel Seth getting angrier and angrier on national television. Is it just me or does anybody else think that this guy is gonna burst a vein or something one of these days? Can we please force him to take his heart medication every morning? Or get him laid? Any of the above, please?

9. Blaming wealthy people for being wealthy. I mean most of the wealthy are wealthy because of their talent and hard work. Agreed some of them are earn top rupee because of their name. But even then you need to have some kind of ingenuity. And oppressive, wealthy people are so 1980's bollywood movies. Unless the oppressive, wealthy people you talk about are politicians. That theory still holds a lot of water, unlike Arjun Singh's kidneys. Okay. I'll stop saying wealthy right about now.

8. Singing "Hum hongay kamyab". I mean, c'mon people. WTF is wrong with you? This is national security we're talking about here. Not a bloody walk-a-thon. There are lives at stake. Geez.

7. Taking advice from Simi "carpet bombing" Garewal. No offense lady, but can you please get back to making that white-themed show that no one watches? Thx. Bai.

p.s. Stop watching bootleg episodes of the Bill O' Reilly show. He's turning you into Ann Coulter, who by the way, just had her jaw wired shut. What an idea, sirjee.

6. Submitting charters to politicians who can't even read.
Or worse, submitting a petition to the President. Cause the President is so powerful, innit?

5. Completely implausible and un-implementable out-of-the-box solutions. I've heard gems like make Ratan Tata the PM or not pay taxes at all or have a national draft\martial law. They won't work because (a) Ratan Tata is not going to touch that with a eighteen inch pole, (b) We don't live in Zimbabwe and (c) Let's not turn into Nazi Germany just yet.

4. Voting for the next Indian Idol. Hmmmm. I wonder what would happen if there was a way for the millions and millions of people who vote for mind numbingly boring reality shows had a way to participate in the electoral process. Makes you wonder, dunnit?

3. Sending bouquets of flowers with get-well-soon written on them to Zardari. Not done yet, but I'm sure someone out there has already thought of it. That's possibly the worst idea e-v-e-r. What? Doesn't putting hyphens in between the characters of different words get your point across faster? N-o-p-e? Dammit.

2. Jingoistic Nationalism. We need to stop shouting that we are the best place in the world while millions of children sleep with an empty stomach in our country. Now, since we can't get Angelina Jolie to adopt all of them, we need to actually stop with the delusional nationalism and do something about it. Jingoism not only make us insular to our problems *coughbushadministratoncough*, it makes it easy for the politicians to look away. Not to mention that it's a major pain in the ass. And now can we stop thinking about going to the moon, at least for a while? Look, Pink Floyd is really fun when you're high and all, but reality is a fucking buzz kill. If you still need convincing, then go watch Slumdog Millionaire. Or read The White Tiger. I really need to stop plugging stuff. The worst thing is that these cheap fucks don't even pay me.

1. Not voicing your opinion - For the first time in sixty one years, the spurned masses of this country (the multiple cellphone owning, shopping mall going, airplane ticket buying, plasma tv using, cappuccino drinking, yuppie) i.e. the erstwhile silent majority had a simultaneous realization. Somehow they remembered that "Oh, yeah, wait. It seems that we can question these chipmunks running the country and we can think about national issues even though most of the time we have an attention span of a jellyfish when national issues are involved. Holy crap. Also, where in God's name did I keep my car keys?". So don't stop talking. Cause if you do, not only you don't utilize your right of freedom of speech, blowhards like me have to have to go back to making jokes about the awesome dumbfuckness of Sarah Palin.

Okay. We'll still do that. But you know what I mean, right?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

What year is it ... again?

It seems that it was quite naive of me to think that things have changed. That it's 2008.

Did I just wake up in 1991?


But can you blame me for thinking that?

India is facing a big terrorist threat, and has a non-Gandhi Congress Prime Minister, Russia is acting like the bad guy from the original Die Hard, the ISI is aiding terrorists in killing civilians, there is a Bush in the whitehouse, a popular, charismatic Democratic President is about to take office, America is fighting a war in Iraq, the people of Afganistan are hell bent on killing each other and Guns 'N Roses have just released a new album.

It's like deja vu all over again.

I would have mentioned the British but no one really cares about them ever since they stopped making new episodes of Fawlty Towers.

Anyways, my point is that history is not something they made up for broadcasting on the discovery channel. History is something we can learn from, so that we don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

Like you go from relationship to relationship to realize that commitment is something that a couple of lesbians made up. Or that you never drink five glasses of long island ice tea on an empty stomach. As the man once said, mistakes you can learn from.

It's time our world leaders need to learn from the mistakes of the past. Stop repeating the same dumbass policies that led us to the current Snafu.

Like, the new President-Elect of the United States should stop acting all condescending towards the rest of the world. I mean, dude, we like you and all, but we're not Hillary Clinton. You can't tell us what to do anymore. Stop pretending that America is a superpower and all. I mean, c'mon dawg, you were photographed reading The Post-American World unlike your predecessor who was photographed reading The Adventures of the Famous Five. So, stop telling everybody how to run their country and please spend the next eight years trying to undo the mess that retard has left you. We know our shit. Also, while you are at it, please tell the American news media that they need to stop pretending that anybody really cares what they think about world affairs. I mean they aren't really fooling anybody outside North America. Not even the Eskimos in Iceland. And those freaks live in houses made of snow.

As for the Indian government, you need to wake up and smell the burning ammunition. Our international borders are much like a neighborhood in Kabul. The neighbors may pretend to like you and all, but what they really want to do is burn your house down and turn it into a goat-rearing farm. So stop wishing that everybody would just get along and start taking tough measures. Clearly we can do security. I mean have you ever tried to drive into the PM's house just for fun? Er... Scratch that. Have you ever tried to walk into 10 Janpath just to wave and say "Toodles, Mrs G"? They'll have you handcuffed , booked on charges of attempt to murder and jailed for 14 years before you can gesticulate and shout "Mamma Mia!!". So get cracking. See, the economy is bad these days and people don't have much to do except watch cricket matches and audition for reality shows. Since none of either is happening, you really want us to start questioning your every move? Look, do the right thing for once in your life and let the country go back to concentrating on the important stuff. Like Bollywood feuds and not talking about sex.

Now, for our favorite frienemy, Pakistan. Seriously, it's been sixty one years. get over it already. We've moved on. You move on too. Stop acting like a jilted ex-wife and start acting like an adult nation state. Although we got custody of the kids (Kashmir) you still managed to take one of them. So stop turning him into a medieval psychopath and brush up on your parent skills. I know that another reason for you to get angry is because your President drooled over Sarah Palin just like like Karan Johar drools over John Abhraham's butt. But that's not our fault. Blame the Republicans. They are responsible for much that is wrong with the world anyway. We're happy to let your young ones daydream about Aishwariya Rai. I mean, clearly, you have no national icons you can lust after. I mean it's hard to fancy a burqa, isn't it? And in today's world, you may never know who really is behind it. A beautiful nubile young woman who is as delicate as a white rose or a bearded freak intent on blowing up innocent people. It's a catch-22 situation for you, really.

As for Russia, you need to stop acting like a land craving despot. The last guy who decided to start a world war for a few miles of land. was compensating for having one ball. What are you compensating for? A small ...., uh-huh, never mind.

I would have said more but there are two men outside my window, wearing an earpiece and a black suit, smelling of vodka. I think I need to run. And what I really wanted to do was diss that new Guns 'N roses album.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

That'll be one billion prozac tablets, please

Whoa!! Everybody's angry these days.

The people are angry at the politicians for being lackadaisical for the past sixty one years.

The politicians are angry at the media for finally having the balls to take on them and question their sense of self-entitlement.

The media is angry at the people for forcing them to finally do their job.

Shivraj Patil is angry because not only has he lost the only job he ever held, but more importantly his fashion sense has come under the scanner.

RR Patil is angry because for the first time ever, people actually paid attention to what he said.

Manmohan Singh is angry because now he has to do something else besides writing strongly worded letters to his ministers.

Chidambram is angry because now people expect him to do more than say "the percentile growth of each sector of the economy is more than the percentile growth seen in previous years" every other second.

LK Advani is angry because when he said that his party would adopt a bipartisan approach he implied that the BJP would act like two different political parties and he never implied that he would stop running down the government. Gee, who do you think he is? Buddha??

The President of India is angry because she hasn't heard from God in a while. None of her calls or emails have been returned.

Deve Gowda is angry because he can't sleep because of all this incessant noise.

Vilasrao Deshmukh is very, very angry, although his body language says he has upped his dose on the anti-depressants he "borrows" from his son Ritesh's medicine cabinet.

The Pakistani Government is angry because now the rest of the world will find out that the Pakistani Army lets the politicians play "government" on Sundays and other national holidays while the rest of the time they play the Yes, Prime Minister do-it-at-home board game.

Global netizens are so angry about terror engulfing the world that they have started two groups on facebook. That's right. You heard me. TWO groups. If that doesn't make those deranged trigger-happy jerkoffs wet their pants, I don't know what will.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Memo to Jayanti Natrajan

Over the past few days as I watched the media go into overdrive and make a mash of the post blast coverage, there is one particular incident which sums up a lot of things.

Shobha De, questioned the government and questioned Sonia Gandhi on one of NDTV's programs. Jayanti Natrajan was supposed to speak on behalf of the Congress.

Now, Ms. Natrajan's response, besides toeing the party line and having nothing to add to the discussion, also reveled the political class's attitude towards the country.

She said that "How can Shobha De question Sonia Gandhi?".

You know, while this statement although is of a single sentence, the tone it was said in reveals a lot about the speaker.

What Ms. Natrajan meant to say was "Oh, you're Shobha De. You write books which have awkward sex scenes and you drink alcohol. How can you question Sonia Gandhi, the personification of God Almighty, himself?"

This just in: We don't live in Iran and Ms. Gandhi is not the Ayotullah. She goes around every election time asking for our votes. Her party is "running" rather ruining our country's government. Shobha De is a tax paying citizen of this country. I may not agree with everything or anything she says, but she has every right to say it. Because we live in a democracy. Free speech is guaranteed by our constitution. Not only Shobha De can question Mrs G, her driver can question Mrs. G, the guy who cleans the toilets in the Taj can question Mrs G, Bhappi fucking Lahri can question Mrs. G. We, the people of this country can question anyone who runs for political office. Because you are answerable to us. Mrs G is answerable to us. Little G, Rahul is answerable to us. If we don't like the way things are run, we will question you. Just because we haven't done that for the past sixty one years, doesn't mean that you take us for granted.

We pay for Mrs. G security cover. She has been rightly granted Z security that because there was a death threat against her. Now, Ms Natrajan, every Indian has a death threat against them. We all need to feel secure. We can't make 500 black commandos following each and every citizen, but we need to know that one day when we step out to eat sushi, it shouldn't mean that we don't ever come back.

Another thing Ms Natrajan said was "Why doesn't Shobha De run for the Chief Minister"?

That's like pointing towards the sky. saying "Look there goes a bird" and running away.

This is not just about her attitude towards Shobha De. This sums up her attitude towards anybody who questions the government: How dare you?

Okay, I'll apply the same logic to you. Why don't you spend one day in our shoes? Why don't you and your ilk go around town without those 1900 gunmen?

I thought so. You wouldn't even last a minute.

So please go back to the fan club you call a national party.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Mister Prime Minister, are you kidding me with this??

Palipappan Chidambram?? That's the best you could come up with?

Did you trip on some bhang and think that you were Prime Minister of Tahiti or Papua New Guinea??

We're in the midst of a war with an enemy who knows everything about us, and we have just a trickle of information about him.

They want us dead. They don't want to drive by and slash our credit rating.

You don't replace a soft-spoken effete Minister with another soft spoken effete minister. The guy who is famous for talking about a budget in 1997 which made the editor of the Economic Times ejaculate in his pants?

This is the ministry of home we are talking about here. The home minister needs to be a bad cop to your good cop. Although, in your case, good cop means the "huh?" cop.

You want to bring about real change instead of just talking about it?

Make Renuka Chowdhary our home minister. She's the only one in your cabinet who has some balls. Metaphorically, of course. You need someone in the home ministry who inspires fear in our enemies. This woman could pin down the great khali with one hand and show the finger to Zardari with the other.

She even scares me. And I don't scare easily. I once saw Jimmy Shergill trying to act. And there is nothing more scary than that.

Okay. Don't do it for us. Do it to save your seat. If you don't do something now, in six months, the country will vote that bald guy with a voice problem into office. And he's a real badass. If you don't beleive me, ask Jinnah.

So stop acting like a bumbling idiot and do something which is not mind bunglingly idiotic.

Or is that too much to ask?

Edit: What I meant by this post was that it doesn't matter who we have as a home minister. We can put a scarecrow on the seat and it wouldn't matter. What we need to do is strengthen our capabilities instead of mere posturing. We need political will do take some action.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Did you take your medication before you filed that report?

Okay. Maybe I'm not a zombie. Or maybe I do have a brain. Or maybe I stopped reading "Stuff white people like" after the tenth post. But what the hell is wrong with BBC's foreign journalists?

I happen to channel surf and I happened to catch a lady who must have had those funny brownies talk about chatter in Washington about the "fragile thread of India's democracy?"

Okay. Missy. This must come as news to you, and I didn't want to bring this up, but India's democracy does not wear a thong. And we would have had democracy a few hundred years before 1947 but we were caught up in a little independence war with YOUR ANCESTORS.

And before that thing CNN calls it's South Asia correspondent jumps on the bandwagon too, let me tell her one thing. When we elect someone to public office, the guy who gets the most votes WINS. And our Supreme court would never hand an election to a fifth grader.

Our politicians don't even go to school. How dope is that?

So stop telling us about democracy. We don't have lobbyists running our government.

Just a few murderers and criminals.

Anyways, what I mean to say is that stop treating everyone like your stepchild. We're the largest democracy for a reason.

We may be imperfect but we do not elect dangerous religious freaks to public office.

Err... Alright. you got me on the last one. My bad. It's not like he aided anyone in killing thousands of people.

Note to self: For the love of alcohol, stop!!

Anyways, what you co-members of the KFC-club need to do is, , to stop acting like you know better. You don't.

When you were attacked , you wiretaped and tortured your own citizens.

You suspended democracy to fight terror.

People in our country were voting WHILE one of their cities was under a terrorist attack.

That's how "resiliant" our democracy is.

Our villages may not have indoor plumbing and our cities may have long powercuts, but one thing we have that no one can take away is our democracy.

Also, our version of Idol sucks too.

Well, nobody's perfect.

'Watershed Moment?'; don't count on it . . .

A terrorist attack in our country which many have called the worst in history. For more than 60 hours, the whole nation was said to be in a nightmare. But the nightmare has just begun.

Many are calling this a watershed moment in our history. But the reality is different. In a few days, all will be forgotten because we are supposed to "move on". We are supposed to have a spirit of resilience. We are supposed to forget the fact that those pieces of scum merely walked into our country and took our people hostage and killed a lot of them mercilessly.

Oh yeah, let's blame the usual suspect. Politicians, police, and Pakistan. Of course, the home minister should resign. Of course, the government is weak on terror. Of course it's the intelligence failure.

People will denounce each other. Politicians will create a divide, and the families of those brave men and woman who lost their lives will look on with horror. Disenchanted with their country, with their leaders and with the people who inhabit this once great nation.

But we will still look on. We will still go back to living our lives. We will still play the blame game. We will still shrug and ask "Who shall we vote for?" and "What can a single person do?"

However, these excuses don't hold water. Throughout history, a single person has started movements which have changed the world for the better.If we don't like the people we vote for, we can at least demand they do something. If you are not a vote bank, you will be ignored. In our country, the educated masses watch helplessly as the people we elect to govern us pilferage and rape our country while we write editorials and shout on news channels.

Become a vote bank. Demand that our politicians either shape up or ship out.

We can look towards smaller countries like Indonesia and Nepal, who bought change. Change in a mostly peaceful manner.

We have seen that a large group of people can make a difference. Look at what happened in the Jessica Lal case. People stood together and each candle lit for Jessica was a candle lit for change and democracy.

Great nations are not built on blog posts, editorials or by waxing eloquence on news channels.

But, perhaps, the truth is that we aren't a great nation. Perhaps we are just a group of people, who reproduce like rabbits, and who are forced to live next to each other.

But when I look at those visuals of those brave policemen who went into a 21st century battle with 19th century weapons, not even blinking, I don't imagine they were of any religion or any caste. They were Indians. Those brave NSG soldiers didn't ask people for their caste before they rescued them. The brave hotel staff who gave up their lives, young and old, opening doors and taking bullets for their guests, did not think about getting TV time or about getting votes. Hidden amongst us, are people who unknowingly do heroic things. Without any hoopla. Without any expectations. Maybe that makes us great. Maybe that makes us a nation of people.

A bullet does not have any nationalty. A bomb does not kill members of a particular community. A terrorist does not discriminate between rich and poor.

No matter how much we deny or the excuses we make, we have a choice. A choice to make our government work for everybody. A choice to give value to each and every human life in a country of more than a billion.

We need to wake up and act now, otherwise, the terrorists will leave us incapable to do so.

Monday, November 24, 2008

We're going to miss you, Blighty, you stupid tosser

Dear ol' bean,

You better keep your cup o' tea down before you read this. We promise to be as gentle as possible.

Although what we are about to say really saddens us, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Listen. Since there is no easy way to say this so we're just going to say this out loud.

We need to see other countries.

If it makes you feel any better, it's not us , it's you.

In a perfect world, we'd love to keep investing all our money in you. But since your economy turned into, as they say, shite, we'd like to move on. Before you think "Oi!! What's all this then?" and throw a wobbly, hear us out. We tried to buy all your stuff to keep you afloat (Tetley Tea, Corrus Steel, Elton John), but your economy is all sixes and sevens. Sweet fanny adams even the Somalian pirates are doing better than you are. Also, we don't trust that prat of a prime minister you have. He's like a wanker without a stiffy.

We'd love to stay and help, but we're afraid that you're going to be standing all starkers very soon. And we'd rather chew on some codswallop than see that.

Now don't be sad. Chin up, ol' sausage. You can always go scrumping to France.

And if you ever fancy a game of cricket, do give us a ring-a-ding. We're still mates, innit? And just for old times sake, we promise not to make a dog's dinner out of your team. Well, er, maybe.

Keep your pecker up.

Pip, pip cheerio and all that rot.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Say it isn't so, Bo

This is just not fair, Mr President-Elect. You just sucked the fun out of Presidential press conferences. You did not fumble when you spoke, you did not invent any new words, your short speech did not sound like something an awkward fourth-grader would say. The words you used had the G's at the end intact. You pronounced nuclear as, nuclear. Hell, you even completed your sentences.

In fact, you appeared to know your shit. You have nuanced positions on certain issues, for crying out loud.

This is completely unacceptable and has to change. Look, we cheered for you. Kenya had an orgasm when you won. The British dropped their plate of spotted dick (it's a food item, you pervert) as soon as they heard. The Chinese opened up some lead-infested dog food to feed some of it's rural workers, in your honor. A few Russians stopped hitting their wives for a while to see CNN declare you the winner over that 200 year old man and that professional infomercial saleswoman.

So, you need to give us our comic relief.

Look, for the past eight years, it has been easy for the rest of the world to see your current President and feel good about ourselves. No matter how fucked up our own leaders were, just having them stand next to that dumb fuck from Texas made them appear statesmen-like. Americans felt inadequate and apologetic whenever they were overseas. We had a good laugh at them, even though orphans in our countries were dying. I mean, who cares about the poor when you have the so called leader of the free world cannot say anything coherent?

You had to win and ruin it all. Thanks to you, being intelligent is cool again. When you held that press conference, it was like listening to adults have a serious and constructive conversation.
Where is the fun in that?

Damn you, Mr President-Elect.

I don't speak for everybody, but some of us are going to miss President Numb Nuts.

Although, my third eye tell me that there is someone on the horizon who is going to make things right again. You betcha!!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Can we talk about something else now?

Hey, American Media, listen up,

I thought this election would never end.

I mean who fucking takes two years to elect a President for to serve a term of four years? Why can't you guys do anything like normal people? It takes the rest of the world about three or four months to prepare for and conduct an election. Really, sometimes I wonder if you were dropped on your head when you were born.

Can you guys talk about something else now? I wouldn't have normally insisted but you know that when you talk about something, other countries have to talk about it too?

See, you're like the cool kids in high school who all sit together during lunch and talk about all the cool stuff and the rest of the world is the geeks, nerds and dorks who wouldn't know cool if it bit them on their retainers. So they overhear the fringes of your conversation and whisper it to each other. Or they continuously check your facebook profile to find out what's happening.

Talking about what you talk about prevents us from actually thinking about issues in our own countries. Also, it helps our politicians when they can blame every other fuck-up on your country.

This has got to stop.

See, we're getting desperate for new things to talk about.

We'll take anything. You can even talk about Lindsay Lohan's gay lover. Or maybe that's not such a good idea because that makes Russia all horny and it really freaks the crap out of Iran.

We can talk about sports. No, wait, you guys play baseball the rest of the world plays football (or soccer, as you call it). Except Japan. They can't play much of anything because any open space in Japan is either converted into a skyscraper or a Sony play station factory.

Let's try something else. We can talk about books. Yes. Books. Oh, but wait. We really didn't read books written by Pamela Anderson. And some people in Europe go batshit crazy when you keep talking about The Da Vinci Code.

Don't worry. We can talk about business and the financial markets. Or not. Uh-oh, that is a little touchy because you screwed that up for the rest of the world. And to prove that we aren't angry with you, we will tell you the same thing women say when they want to get all passive aggressive on your ass because you can't guess what stupid thing you did this time for which you'll have to make up for by buying some flowers or candy. Or both. Everything's fine and there is nothing to talk about. Look, everybody is not like Canada. We can't let you walk over us like that you do to that poor slut.

Err....Ummm.... Have you seen the new Shilpa Shetty DVD? .. Dammit!! Wrong country.

Right. Okay. Fuck it. I give up.

So tell me, do you think Hillary Clinton will run again in eight years?

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The lowdown on Diwali gifts

My Dad assigned me the unenviable task of deciding on Diwali gifts to be give to all our family & business associates. So after a through market research, (which was basically me sitting with a bottle of my favorite beverage and coming up with random crap) I thought it should be shared with the world, since I worked so hard for it. Needless to say, I could not come up with anything and waited till the last minute to tell my Dad to give all that money away to the poor. And by poor, I mean my resource hungry vodka fund. Same thing, right? So anyways, here is my first annual diwali market research:

(1) A box of dry fruits - If you get this gift from someone, then consider yourself at the bottom of their food chain because this is the most common diwali gift. Not only does this box signify that the giver does not like you. it means that if there is ever an alien invasion in your city and your acquaintance has to choose between your life and the life of his pet cat who might die in the next few months anyway, he would choose the cat. Life sucks. Move on.

(2) A box of "imported" chocolates - This signifies that the sender wants to prove to you that even though a recession is just around the corner, he is really doing good at his job., he really does not give a crap. By giving you a box of chocolates , the giver says to you "I hope you choke on these chocolates which the people of Dubai refused to eat and die. But before you breathe your last, please remember that I make more money than you. Cheers. And happy Diwali."

(3) Crockery - This is usually given to people who give you the box of imported chocolates. This might include things like gold plated spoons or pudding sets or both. Giving gifts at diwali is like a game of poker anyway. This gift sends the message "I see your imported choclates and raise you a fourteen piece gold plated pudding set. Suck on that, Chewbecca."

(4) Gold / Silver glasses - Nothing says I heart you during diwali then gold or silver glasses. This is given to all the important business associates and people you actually would choose over your dying cat. However, most people don't have any use for such gifts because not everybody wants to live on the sets of Umraoo Jaan. In fact, the only use of such gifts is to pass it on to other suckers like yourself.

(5) Alcohol - Usually given to people you know in the government who help you with all your illegal stuff. It consists of some foreign made whiskey because people who have answered the call to serve the country do not have a taste for Indian made liquor no matter how many hot models Vijay Mallaya hires to pose for his calendar.

(6) A large box of Juice - This is now a very popular gift item. That is because people really want to eat "healthy" nowadays. And by eating healthy I mean they want to ape the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful. This gift comes with a message which says "I really think you need to lose some weight you fat piece of turd. So here, have some liquid which looks like pee and tastes like crap flavored with sugar and will end up increasing your heart rate. Happy Diwali you Obese Son of a Bitch."

(7) A box of Indian Chocolates - Usually given to employees by companies doing well. This signifies tells the employee that "the company respects you and your hard work by spending the bulk of the diwali gift money budget to buy expensive champagne for upper management. So please take this box of Perk chocolates and go home to the family you rarely get to see because of us. Oh, and we might fire you soon. Happy Diwali, biatch." Of course, since most employees are Indian, they'll bitch about anything you give them so why try, really.

(8) A box of Biscuits - This gift is given to people whose house you frequent because of some social obligation or the other. This gives a message "Stop serving that home-made crap everytime I am forced to drink that vomit your wife makes and serves in a cup. At least have something decent around so that I can not sit there with that expression of disgust on my face. Happy Diwali, you crazy piece of sh*t."

Monday, October 27, 2008

New Rules

The Indian media has to stop having an orgasm every time India wins a match. Listen, sparky. The match was in India. On a fucking Indian pitch. We were bound to win. You can shove your balls in the Aussies faces once you win a match outside of India. Even I know that. And I don't even watch cricket.

CNN has got to show something other than news about the presidential election. There are more than 180 other countries in the world, dawg. Or didja forget the "International" in "CNN International"? It's gotten so bad that Osama and his freaks could blow something up and still not make the headlines. In fact, they just bumped Nelson Madela for an exclusive with Barney the Coffee Guy.

China has to stop trying to poison the rest of the world. It seems that everything that comes from China has some sort of poison in it. Listen up people, if your milk carton is cheaper than the cost of chewing gum, then it's going to make your lungs explode, you cheap fuck.

The British government has to stop trying to suck up to India. Face it, you old fart. We're not going to bail you out of your financial crisis. We told you that this would happen when you made Shipla Shetty your yoga guru. Now remove your leg from behind your head and stop asking us for chump change.

Friday, October 24, 2008

7 reasons to get really drunk this diwali

7. You are more likely to be killed by "peaceful" political demonstrations than by your favorite distilled beverage.

6. Fun drinking game: Everytime you see the words Diwali Special on your TV screen, gulp down a shot of tequila.

5. Thanks to the financial crisis, liver transplants that use livers sourced from the Philippines are now 10% cheaper.

4. Do it for the kids. See, If I drink all the vodka I can get my hands on, there will be none left for the kids. That's what all good role models should do.

3. Two words: Sarah Palin.

2. We were finally able to send some clunkety old machine to the moon on our own. Suck on it, China. We namba one.

1. Seriously, do you think I need a reason?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

America, stop showing your buttcrack and pull up your pants

Halo, America. Long time no see. I guess you and we (the rest of the world) aren't really getting along. We have tried. Believe us, we have. We gave that buffoon you call a President every chance to do the right thing. And as usual, he ended up with his head up his own arse.

Listen, big guy, you can't really wash your hands of your responsibility. You won the effing cold war, so by default, you are now supposed to be the one remaining superpower in the whole world. It's time you act like it and drop your whole schoolyard-bully shtick.

I understand power got to your head. Happens to the best of us. I bully my pets too. But you need to understand that you need to grow up a little. When you screw up, the rest of the world has to pay, like the old ancient Chinese proverb says, You broke it, we bought it. In other words, when you don't have a bowl of chicken soup, the world gets a cold.

It's time for you to be guided in the right direction. So clean your room, wear some clean underwear, have your glass of milk and vote an intelligent person into the office of the your President.

Choose Obama. He's smart, he's educated, he's articulate and he won't steal your wallet. Make a sensible decision for once in your lifetime. Remember all your great leaders. JFK. Bill Clinton. George Clooney. Do it for them. Just think how nice it would be to have a President who can pronounce the word nuclear Or knows how to eat a pretzel.

Let's face it, America. We are angry at you but we love you. Without you we would neither have anything good to watch on TV nor would we have any Internet Porn. Although the Germans make porn too but you can never understand whether they are saying "Daddy's little girl" or "Heil Hitler". Kind of confusing. Ruins the whole mood.

We can't bear to watch you continuing to dig yourself in a deep hole.
You clearly require some sort of intervention. So let me put things in terms you can understand.

See, a Barack Obama administration will be like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. It's going to start out good and although everyone will lose their way in the middle, it'll always end on a happy note. A John McCain administration will be like an episode of Sex & the City. You don't really know what to expect but you can be sure that someone is going to get screwed during the process.

Look, all we're saying is be sensible. If you elect another folksy dumb fuck for President, the rest of the world is going to break up with you. Fo shizzle.

You know, to show how much we care, we'll even sweeten the deal for ya. We promise, henceforth, not to call ya dumbass Americans anymore. At least for a while, anyway. Hell, we won't say anything even if we see one of those cowboy boots wearing Texans who think a framed cow's ass is a conversational piece. It'll be hard, but we're ready to make that sacrifice.

Just do a little something you've not done for a while.


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Loose ends

Thursday was the big debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Although pundits called the debate a draw, Sarah Palin proved to the world that she is ready to lead. Ready to lead the next season of Sesame Street.

I'm not saying she was bad at the debate, but her brother, the teacher of a third grade class in an elementary school in Alaska, gave her an "F".

Closer home, the Tata's moved their Nano project from Singur, thanks to the protests led by Ms Mamta Baneerjee. In fact, while the Tata's are welcomed to other states with a red carpet of cheap real estate and tax cuts, Ms Banerjee still remains in a state of denial.

India and the US are finally going to sign the nuclear deal. The left is still visibly upset. In fact, today Prakash Karat withdrew support for his wife's new dressing table and everytime a reporter on any news channel mentions the nuclear-power deal, Sitaram Yechury does a tequila shot.

Nokia is about to release it's real answer to the iPhone. In fact, not only does the new nokia phone have all the bells and whistles the iPhone has, it also does your taxes, sends your girlfriend flowers everytime you screw up and finds you an empty parking spot during peak hours. In fact, the Sarah Palin edition of the phone even detects and kills witches withing a three mile radius.

Health minister Ramados is happy that his nationwide smoking ban is now in place. He says his next target is alcohol. This is all part of his "Suck all the fun out of life" strategy.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

There is so much love in this country that it kills me

Someone asked me the other day why most shows on our television are crash & burn shows like Jerry Springer or tear fests like Oprah. He meant that why are all the happy people on our television white or African American? At that time I was too drunk to answer so I just shrugged and had another drink. It's not something you'd like to answer when you are five minutes away from passing out.

However, since I do have a hangover right now, and have had multiple cups of coffee, I think I'm mentally ready to provide answers to great sociological question mankind is curious about.

The reason why we love to see people cry and suffer is simple: We really hate each other.

I know you're going to hate me (what's new about that) for saying this, but let's face facts.

We hate each other and love to see each other suffer. In fact, we hate each other so much, we'll kill our countrymen at the drop of a hat.

Don't pray to my God, well, let me send you to yours.
I don't like your surname, can I kill you?
Didja look at my daughter in a funny way even though you're blind? No sweat, but can I break all the bones in your body?
I hate the drapes in your living room. It's a crime against fashion, bitch. You deserve to go to hell.

We can't see anybody happy. Our neighbors, our work colleagues, our friends, famous people, random people on the street etc.

We don't have debates and discussions in our country. If people don't agree with each other, they simply kill each others children. It's a simple and effective way to get your point across and it keeps the population in check.

All those rights about freedom of choice or religion mentioned in our constitution are just extracts from a boring story book. It's not about who's right or who's wrong. It's about who can spend more money to hire a mob of people.

No, no. Don't get me wrong. We do respect an individual's right to choose as long as he chooses what we think is right for him.

In fact, sometimes, if we don't agree with our children, we kill them too. After all we know what's best for those ungrateful basteds.

So tonight, when you do go to sleep, remember, sleep with one eye open. Because watcha gonna do, when they come for you?

Okay. Wrong song. But you get the picture, right?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Stupid & Clueless: The Sarah Palin Story

Let's talk about foreign policy. So Gov. Palin, you have been quoted by various media sources saying that you have foreign policy experience because Alaska shares a border with Russia. That's a joke, right?

Err. Ummm. Okay then. It wasn't a joke. You really meant it. Hey you know what, using the same logic, let's say I just read a book. So that must mean that I am a world renowned author. Like Yay.

Okay, so this whole bailout thing. What the hell are they talking about?

Right. Thanks for clearing that up, Governor. Your clarity of thought is mesmerizing.

This explains why SNL sketch is so funny even though it used your ACTUAL quotes.

Okay. Maybe bringing in Grandpa would make things a little bit better.

Ummm ... Sadly, that makes things worse. McCain looks like his head was about to explode. But he also cracked a joke, right? I didn't get it. Maybe because I'm not a maverick.

Anyways, all I have to say, is that if this pair wins on Nov 4, my advice to all the people living in America would be: Run, Baby, Run.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

5 reasons this blog hasn't been updated

5. I was convinced by India TV that the world is about to end so I got busy trying to check items on my "101 bars to drink at before I die" list

4. I was stuck in a house with thirteen other people with no contact with the outside world while our every move was being broadcast on National Television

3. I was so jealous of someone's Goa trip, I decided to take a "trip" of my own

2. I suspended updating my blog to focus on resolving the economic crisis

1. I realized no one really reads this blog anyway so why bother

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

How to spend tax payers money - Indian style

Watching the Democratic National Convention really left me dumbfounded. I mean these Americans are so smug thinking that they have everything figured out. I mean they talk about taxpayers money like they know how to use it. Ha!! They really don’t get it do they? So, I consider it my duty to let them and the world know how the central and state governments in India like to spend taxpayer money. To show the world why, to use the immortal words of a fellow patriotic Indian, We Numba One.

So world leaders pay attention. This is how it’s done.

Taxpayer money should be spent on the following:

  1. To award real heroes

    We need to award and encourage the real heroes of the country. People who make us proud to be an Indian. No, I’m not talking about those soldiers at the border to have it so easy, with their cosy torn sleeping bags in one of the coldest regions of the world. No siree Bob. Not those men and woman who sacrifice their lives so that people in our
    country can safely live theirs. Nope. I’m talking about real heroes like Abhinav Bindra. A man who brought so much fame and fortune to India that some of it overflowed into Bangladesh. He won an Olympic Gold medal. He deserves all that taxpayer money we can give him. Doesn’t matter that the families of those soldiers who die at the hands of terrorists have nothing to eat. That’s okay. However, we will not rest until every sportsmen in the country who can afford to drive a Mercedes, is given all the taxpayer money we can spare. And we can spare a lot of money ya know. India is shining, bitch. So what if a few farmers kill themselves and war widows have to scrape to feed their families? Do you see a gold medal around their necks? No? I thought so. No one gets medals for trekking three miles for a vessel of water.

  2. For honoring those who spent their life in service of their country

    Are you one of the country’s most famous soldiers? Are you the only Field Marshall this great land of ours has ever produced? Did you famously tell a Prime minister that you will not engineer a coup against her? If yes, then sorry. You don’t deserve a state funeral. Hell, you don’t even deserve to have the day of your funeral REMEMBERED by any government department at all. State funerals are for young, talented reality show stars. Those who do us proud by winning one of the thousands of talent shows on cable television. You’re just a decorated war hero. Walk it off, soldier.

  3. On providing jobs for the needy

    Yes. Our government looks out for all those in need for a job. Not only do we provide them with jobs in government departments/companies, we also promote them out of turn over other losers. Needy people like MS Dhoni and the Great Khali. Even if they have not reported to work for more than 5 years. Or have never even seen their workplace. Equal pay for no work, remember? These people are guranteed employment under the constitution. Those millions of graduates that are added to the workforce every year can work in those damn call centers. Or go abroad. Who cares? Soak in the power of democracy people. Soak it in.

  4. To provide healthcare for the elderly

    This is one of the most important traditions of our country. Taking care of our elders. Helping those who need healthcare for those who cannot afford it. For eg: A former prime minister who advocated hiring doctors not based on merit but their last name. All the medical bills that he incurs when he goes to visit doctors in the UK and the US are taken care of by Indian taxpayer money. Not those doctors he helped hire, but the ones who live thousands of miles away from his home.
    A lesser man would have budged under the weight of such irony. But not this patriarch. We should all applaud his dedication to the cause of social justice. Meanwhile there have been hospitals built for the elderly in rural areas. They just don't have any doctors or medicines or any medical equipment. So what? It's the thought that counts. Why bother about details?

  5. On modern and progressive education

    Our state education department spent millions of rupees to come up with a sex education manual which does not mention the words “sex” and “intercourse”. That’s how it should be. If kids get to know about how babies are born, they would rush out of their classroom that instant and start bumping uglies (i.e. having sex, making love, whatever you westernized unpatriotic basteds call it). This promoted our culture of not acknowledging the mere facts of life. In India, there is NO s*x. Only Immaculate Conception takes place. Praise the lord. Sex is immoral. Like rock music and decaf coffee.

  6. On promoting secular values

    The preamble of our constitution proclaims our great country to be secular and the state and religious values to be separate.However, who really believes all that crap. In our country, God is omnipresent. Especially wherever there is no water and electricity. For those people, God is all they got. SO why fight it? Why not appease every religion and make everybody feel insecure? Why not turn every election into an election about religion? Nothing can go wrong, right?? After all, hasn't our country been an example of communal harmony since the summer of 1947?

Friday, August 29, 2008

First Draft of Senator Obama's acceptance speech

Yesterday, history was made when Barack Obama was nominated for President of the United States. We all heard and were wowed by his speech. But thanks to our "sources", we got our hands on the first draft. So here it is, warts and all.


My fellow democrats, my fellow Americans, My Bitches,

Thank you for nominating me to become king of the world woo-hoo the office of the President of the United States.

Firstly, I would like to thank the people I owe this victory to. Firstly, Senator Hillary Clinton, for screwing up her campaign, for the historic campaign she ran, President Bill Clinton for not blowing up while giving his speech his rousing speech, my wife, Michelle Obama, for not sounding crazy like the other guy's wife, for her support, and the millions and millions of Americans who drank the kool aid who supported this campaign.

My opponent, Senator Crazy McFart Senator John McCain, is a 71 year old retard an honorable man, a war hero if you don't believe me ask him, that's all he can talk about. He talks about being a maverick, but he drank the blood of iraqi prisoners in Cheney's lair voted with President Bush 95% of the time. Which does not represent change, but represents the same old dumbass stubbornness divisive politics.

My opponent is a homophobic bigot does not support same-sex relationships, my opponent loves waterboarding too does not support an end to torture, my opponent is a gun toting hee-haw does not support gun control, my opponent calls women with unwanted pregnancies knocked-up ho's wants to repeal Roe v Wade.

My opponent is out of touch with the youth of America thinks ABBA is still cool, out of touch with middle-class America has so many houses that he does not even remember the exact number, is out of touch with the women of America refers to his wife as a c*nt, and is out of touch with reality wanted to choose Paula Abdul as his running mate.

We need a President who can build American reputation in the world by not attacking every country with oil, increase our energy independence by not kissing the Saudi's ass, and going after Al-Qeada in Afganisthan by going after Al Qeada in Pakistan.

The last eight years have been really bad America has been fucked more than a whore on Times Square, for us. We need to rebuild our nation and rebuild the American Dream by bringing the sitcom FRIENDS to a movie theater near you.

People question my faith because of my former batshit crazy pastor, my patriotism because of a stupid flag pin, my sexuality My wife is a woman, in fact she's all woman. Gimme some of that honey. Mmm.

People don't realize that this campaign is not about me, it's about Oprah you, the Armenian American People.

America, we cannot turn back We don't have a reverse gear. Not with so much work to be done We really need to repair Britney And LL. America, we cannot turn back. We cannot walk alone specially in an African-American neighborhood. At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the future like they did in that Star Wars movie. Let us keep that promise, that American promise to get you so drunk that you wake up next to someone you don't even know.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Hey Russia, the west called. They want their balls back.

While America and Europe were thinking about disbanding all NATO-Russia military exercises, Moscow announced that it won't play with the West anymore.

Moscow announced that it won't continue any joint military activities with either NATO or the
United States. Yes. While America was talking about isolating Russia, Russia has begun ignoring America.

In fact, just yesterday the Russia told America to talk to the hand.

The American government was so angry, the exact state department response was

"Oh yeah, Yo Mama so ugly she make an onion cry. Whose the chump now, eh?"

Thursday, August 21, 2008

News Dictionary

Are you confused? In these times do you feel overburdened with information? Don't worry, because as always, we at overated outcast help you navigate through the news with our aptly titled news dictionary.

Big Boss: A reality show which puts more than a dozen celebrities in a single house for more than eighty days without access to TV, internet, phones and mouthwash. By celebrities we mean people who are in the news for all the wrong reasons. A racist, a former cocaine junkie, a alleged former mistress of a don, a lowbrow comedian, a person suspected to be a human being, all under one roof. Sadly, nobody in the outside world misses the people inside. In fact people were wondering if they can seal the house. Not without a certain Ms Shetty though.

Bachna Ae Hasino: The latest Yash Raj flick to hit the theaters. The leading man's only claim to fame is dropping his towel to reveal his cracked up sense of humour and having a famous last name. One of the leading ladies is his girlfriend and one of the leading ladies looks like his mother. The title shares it's name with one of the famous songs of the leading man's father. This is in keeping with his promise of not pimping his heritage to further his career. A man of his word, which is such a rare quality these days.

iPhone: About to be launched in India on the 22 August, it is already on it's way to become a bestseller. The "I" in the phone's name stands for idiot , referring to anyone who actually purchases the phone. The Phone stands for phone because the device can mostly be used to just make phone calls, which recent reports have suggested is mostly achieved by trial and error. The phone cannot be used as a modem, cannot be used to record videos and turns most of it's buyers into smug little assholes. Credited with ushering in the real smart phone revolution, the device uses technology which can be found in phones manufactured in 2004. The real purpose of this device is to blow some smoke up it's owners ass so that they can buy more apple devices.

Olympics: A global sporting event which encourages people to get excited about all the wrong things. The current version is being hosted by a county which plans to take over the world, one unit of lead infested cat food at a time. Also the opening ceremony consisted of all the world leaders getting together and singing Kumbaya, We are the world and Who the fuck is Alice.

Splitsvilla: A reality show where the men look like women and the women look like men and the stupid bald guy looks like a stupid bald guy. The men act like they have never seen a women ever, the women act like they would hump anything with a dick and the host pretends that people watch this show. This goes to show that just because you keep saying f**k on television, it does not guarantee an audience.

Obama: A candidate running to be the next President of the United States, or as some people call it, the leader of the free world, wherein the usage of "world" does not include Eastern Europe, Russia, Asia, the Middle East and most of the South American continent. Even though he is the better suited to hold this position than his opponent, Old MacDonald, he still is struggling to maintain a lead in the polls. It seems that the American people have decided to live up to their stereotype of being stupid. As they say, God Bless America.

Georgia: A little known former Soviet and now-independent country which was put on the map recently when it was Invaded by Russia. Even though the US promised to come to it's assistance in such a situation, it advised Georgia to simply Walk it off.

Poland: A little known European country whose invasion usually signifies the beginning of a world war. Or at least another season of 24. Has recently inked a treaty with the US which bolsters it's defense against Russia err.. Iran. This has angered the Russians who now want to bomb Poland into oblivion. To which Poland said "Dude, where's my car?."

Monday, August 18, 2008

America refuses to sign Russia's Yearbook

In what is becoming a bigger crisis day by day, Student body head America said that it won't sign Russia's yearbook. This crisis has been bought about ever since Russia roughed up poor defenseless Georgia by giving him a atomic veggie and then putting his head in the toilet bowl. Georgia complained to the student body led by America, who not only released a strong statement condemning Russia's behavior but also refused to sign his yearbook.

"We need to send a message so that such incessant bullying will not be tolerated in our high school. Russia must apologize to Georgia and return his library books immediately. If we don't control this now, Russia's behavior might get out of hand." said America. Meanwhile the student council led by America and his jock buddies Britain and Canada have decided to remove Russia from their facebook group called G8. "It sends a strong message. We shall not stand by doing nothing while Russia bullies everybody in the school chess team. He's already got one of the cheerleaders pregnant." said a somber Britain.

Meanwhile Russia says that America and his cronies should keep out of this family affair. "Georgia and I have are both distant relatives. Both of us owe our existence to our grandfather, Soviet Union. So it's just some tough love. I'm making a man out of my younger brother." said Russia, in a written statemnet on his MySpace page.

Meanwhile the head of the organizing committee for the Prom, China, just wants everyone to get along. "I worked so hard to put this together. Everyone should just relax and have my special homemade toxic lead flavored fruit punch.", said a worried China.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

India's foreign policy is like a bad Tom Clancy novel

I just don't get it when educated supposedly sane people say that India is going to become a "puppet" for the US. I mean, seriously, buddy, get your head examined.

I mean first you need to ask yourself why did you attend Sitaram Yechury's campaign meeting. Then you need to ask yourself a few questions. Like do you live in Canada or the United Kingdom? Does the main source of income for your country come from the world bank? Did the head of government of your country work at a McDonald's before taking up his current assignment? If the answer to all these questions is no, then you can stop selling your own blood and be assured that your government is not a puppet to the United States government. Or any of it's agencies.

For my fellow countrymen, even the ones who piss in their pants at the site of a blond, need to understand that it's impossible for a country like ours to become a rubber stamp government for any other country.

That is because (a) We are all grown up now and want to do our own thing on the world stage (b) Thanks to the Indian population in the UK, the whole world now knows that if you take our money or try to occupy us, we'll come into your country, make Chicken Tikka your national snack and turn your capital into an extended version of Karol Bagh.

So people who keep getting their knickers in a twist, relax. it's all good. It's not the 15th century that we outsource our government or the 1970s that we go batshit crazy over one superpower.

Whatever it's faults, we do have a sort of working democracy. The poor people vote for the government and the rich people run it. Nothing is more democratic, really. When we take steps that align us with the US on the world stage, we do that because it benefits us.

Some of our politicians want to side with China and Iran.

Do these people really think that, heaven forbid, if we have a war against Pakistan or somebody, are Iran or China going to help us? No. Iran has got it's own shit to deal with and China would be invading Arunachal Pradesh on the first opportunity.

From the Indian perspective, Russia has gone from former superpower to a psychologically distrubed bully, China & Pakistan want most of our territory and nobody really cares about Bangladesh. So we only got one friend in the playground who will not mind our cooties. Suprisingly, it's the US.

From the US perspectve, Russia is taking over Europe, China's taking over Africa, and Iran is driving everyone in the middle east nuts. So the only person whose ready to lend a shoulder to a lonely, crying America is, well, surprise surprise, India.

See? Our interests allign perfectly.

So why shoudn't we play scrabble with each other. And when we get bored, we can always get Israel to play with us. Though not for long because Israel gets real angry when it's pissed off. Yeah. Seriously. Ask poor Jordan and Egypt. Or Lebanon for that matter.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Independence Day: A Memo to part-time patriots

So anybody wanting to send me those emails and messages on 15th August proclaiming our country’s various achievements and telling me again that we invented the zero, I hereby save you a few keystrokes.

Don’t send it.

No, seriously.

It’s not worth it.

What I’m saying is, to all those people who become patriotic on 15th August, 26th January, and whenever we beat Pakistan in cricket. Thanks but no thanks. I ain’t a fan.

Nope. Not at all.

Yes. All those people who are finally able to fight their hangover and send across “We’re the best country in the world. Duh” messages which reek of delusional and schizophrenia, need to, well for want of a better word, chill.

Yes. Wake up and smell the cup of cutting chai. We’re not number 1. We’re far from it.

We need to lose our delusions of grandeur that we have. We need to stop acting like the oppressed. We got the British to leave 61 years ago. Shit happens. Get over it, bitch.

What we need is a reality check. Someone who doesn’t fall victim to our politicians pandering and refuses to drink our jingoistic national kool aid. Someone who helps us overcome our collective national addiction to whatever mixture of superiority/inferiority complex we have.

The first step is admitting it.

So we need to admit that inside our little Indian hearts, somewhere, we know the truth. We know that we’re really not better off than the Americans. Or the French. Maybe we’re better off than the Algerians. The Nepalese maybe. Though I think we're definitely better than those suckers in Georgia. Anyways, the point here is that, we need to stop rationalizing everything that happens in our country.

We also need to realize that, to quote one of my favorite comedians, that our country suffers from fuck up fatigue.

Yes. Things are so bad most of the time, that when another fucked up event happens, we go Yeah, what ya gonna do?

And that my friends is, well, fucked up.

We need to stop thinking that we are morally superior to the rest of the world. That our country has “values”. Yeah, following some traditions that were started in the 14th century does not equal having values. In our country, we don’t have “values”, we have suppression. We suppress our children and impose our code of conduct on them and call it values. It’s not values, its child abuse. Not letting young adults choose who they want to marry is suppression. Imposing and expecting children to adhere to everything their elders say is slavery.

We get all haughty and smug when a kid of Indian origin wins some godforsaken spelling bee contest in the US. Though our own kids can’t even spell ostentatious correctly . (Even I can’t spell it. Thank the lord for spell (spel? dunno..oops..) check. Yeah, baby.)

We make fun of people of all races, sometimes the humor bordering on mental harassment, yet we are scandalized when someone calls Shilpa Shetty “Poppadum”. Wtf, right?

All I’m sayin is that please spare me the histrionics. I got better things to do.

Like get drunk to celebrate muh freedom, mentally undress other people (trying to be ostentatious, y’all) and then text everyone I know that this is the besttest country in the whole wide world. Go India!!!


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

All the news that no one else covers

Britney Spears wants her children to have a normal childhood.

Err... Call me a pessimist but I think her children were scarred for life after they saw her performance at last year's MTV VMA's.

In a new add against Obama, the McCain campaign saya that "hot chicks dig Obama".

I think the add might be having the opposite effect because after seeing it, former president Bill Clinton said "I'm sold. Screw Hillary. I'm voting for Obama."

The government of India wants to set an ethical code of conduct for our television channels.

Does anybody else get a sense of irony when our government talks about ethics. *cough* Shibhu Soren *cough*. It's like asking Deve Gowda to give a speech on motivation.

Pakistani President Musshraf might be ousted by the newly elected government.

It looks like his chances for survival are bleak. I mean just yesterday they put the Pakistani presidential palace up for sale on eBay. I don't think that's a good sign.

An Indian recently won a gold medal at the Beijing Olympics.

To which a puzzled country asked, "That's nice and all, but what does it have to do with cricket, exactly??"

Monday, August 11, 2008

Signs that you are participating in a lame Indian reality show

- it somehow involves Urmilla Matondkar

- you are being given advice on a successful career by Sonali Bendre

- it's on primetime on Zee USA

- the winner gets to star in a Himesh Reshyamiya movie

- it's being sponsored by itch guard

- you are paid for participation in monopoly money

- even Rakhi Sawant refuses to participate in your show

- your co-contestant are Mika and Shilpa Shetty

- your whole family is participating

- the eliminated contestant gets to carry Saroj Khan's tiffin to the shoot for a week

- you are continuously insulted by that stupid bald guy on Roadies

- all the contestants only claim to fame is being a participant in a reality show

- the winner of last season now has a Chinese Food stall at Juhu Beach

- it's on TV

Thursday, August 7, 2008

7 Things Overheard in the George Bush-Manmohan Singh meeting during the G8 summit

7. My Cheney is a woman!!

6. Stop calling me Funmohan, you dumbass

5. Funny thing, even I became a leader without winning the popular vote

4. HELP!!! The President is choking on a piece of chicken tikka ... !! I'm not a real doctor dammit . . . HELP!!

3. Can I borrow Karl Rove for my next election?

2. No, I can't help you fix your PC. I'm not technical support.

1. Mr President, STOP PLAYING HIDE & SEEK and come out from under the table. It's not funny now and it wasn't funny the first 49 times either.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Loose Ends

According to new reports, they have finally translated what is believed to be the world's oldest joke.

Unfortunately, it was about Senator John McCain being old.

Speaking of McCain, he recently joked about killing millions of Iranians with cigarettes.

He followed it up with a funny anecdote about roasting gay people.

Then, suddenly the sky opened up and lightning struck him. Twice.

McCain also recently ran an add which compared Obama with Britney and Paris Hilton.

When quizzed about it he said "Nicole Ritchie was busy".

The McCain campaign also accused Obama of being presumptuous about his victory. .

When asked about it, the Obama campign said "That is no way to talk about the next President"

A pakistani wrestler has challenged the "Great" khali to a match.

Khali responded to the challenge by saying something.Our research team is still working on cracking it. We might have a response in the next few months.

Friday, August 1, 2008

How to lose an election and other stories

The stage was all set for a big political comeback. The BJP was finally in the process of getting it's act together. The Congress had lost 12 consecutive assembly elections. The former deputy prime minister was finally going to fulfill his dream

Then, suddenly, the left withdraws support.

The UPA plans to move a trust vote in the lok sabha.

Mayawati, with approximately just 32 MP's in her kitty, overshadows the BJP and takes up the opposition space.

The BJP is caught napping, again.

Then, it on the eve of the trust vote, when it finally thinks it has an ace up it's sleeve, wherein it thinks it's got the government by the b***s, it's plan goes awry and it looks like the party of the past, again.

Suddenly, the congress is the pro-reform progressive party and Mayawati & the left are the anti-UPA. The BJP is left without an issue, without a poll plank and with egg on it's face.

As the old saying goes, a week is too long in Indian politics.

Really, the BJP should write a book on how to lose an election.


The flimsy excuses being used by the left and Mayawati to justify their opposition were simply hilarious (though not in the traditional sense).

One reason that was given to the press was that the nuclear deal is anti-muslim and that after signing the Nuke deal, America would start a war in Iran. Okay, even the 9/11 conspiracy theorists refuse to beleive this one. Sheesh.


Okay, I've heard and read many conspiracy theories doing the round about the recent blasts being organized by one political party or the other.
The reason I don't beleive that is because the bombs actually went off. Our political parties can't even make a firecracker burst on Diwali.

Then, again, that's my opinion.


The speech given by Omar Abdullah during the trust vote was the only speech worth listening too. Not that I care for any speeches made in parliament. Maybe our politicians need training lessons from a certain Mr Obama.

Please note that we at overated outcast have an equal acute disdain for ALL political parties. I'm just sayin.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


The Bachchan family fueled "Unforgettable" tour is underway.

Even with all of them out of the country, our media still doesn't find anything else to report. Do they have no be on another planet for some actual news to be reported? Oh wait, if they are on another planet, that is actual news. Sigh. We can never win.

Arjuna Ranatunga recently criticized India's focus on T20 cricket and said that it's a corruption of Test Cricket.

Ranatunga also criticized mobile phones and emails and said that he still uses his pet pigeon to deliver his letters. He then called Arjun Singh and both of them talked about how "simple" things were during their childhood in the 18th century.

Sylvester Stallone is now going to be seen in a Bollywood movie.

Yes. he is playing the same character in the remake that Simi Garewal played in the original Karz.

Snoop Dog has song the theme song for an upcoming bollywood movie.

Yes, apparently the song is called, Singh is Shizzle.

Prakash Karat gave a fiery speech denouncing the UPA government and the BJP for the drama in parliament.

People who were witness to the speech called it the worst elevator ride ever.

It is rumored that Bono is to be the Godfather for the infant Jolie-Pitt twins.

Yes, an official announcement is expected to be made right after Angelina & Brad adopt them.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Lok Sabha Idol

Even though the current honorable speaker of the honorable lok sabha might have done justice to his chair, word on the street is that he may resign.

So, we consider it our national duty to suggest a few candidates which might be able to bring order to the house.

1. Navjot Singh Sidhu
This BJP MP embodies the word speaker. If there is anyone in the whole world who can speak, it is this man. Once this man participated in a debate for 18 hours. Although, he was debating himself. He can speak better than Emran Hashmi can smooch or Vidya Balan can pick bad outfits. The upside is that once he gets started no one, and I mean no one can stop him. The downside is that with him in the speaker's chair, no one else would be able to talk. Uh-uh.

2. Dharmendra
The MP from Bikaner is can control a crowd with just a few words. Anybody who dares to cross the chair will be referred to as a domestic animal and will be threatened to be relived of some blood. Alternatively, when there is the usual pandemonium in the house, this MP will threaten to jump from the speaker's chair and commit "suicide".

3. Deve Gowda
Thought he is not a natural choice for speaker, his natural charm and wit make him an ideal candidate. If this man is the speaker, by the time he finishes opening the day's proceedings, it'll already be time to break for lunch. And when he really is in his element and decides to address the house, most of the people present will go into coma.

4. Laloo Prasad Yadav
Remember those school days when the class clown was made the monitor and we ended up laughing all the time he was up there? Putting Mr Prasad in that chair will have the same effect. Give this man a microphone and he will kill you with his wit. Clearly, he is ratings gold. Who else, can turn a debate about the future of India's power generation capacity into a bad comedy segment on India TV?

5. Pranab Mukhrejee
Having him as speaker is very advantageous. Most of the time, the members will be trying to figure out what he is actually trying to say. So there will really be no time to disrupt the house proceedings.

6. Renuka Chowdhary
Arguably, the only man in the Lok Sabha. Hell, she could take down the great khali with one hand and have the other hand free for a fist bump with foreign tourists. Anyone who dares to cross the chair gets an ass-whoppin of a lifetime. Man or Woman, she's an equal opportunity ass-kicker.

7. Javed Akhtar
Ok, I know he's not an MP, yet. However, can you imagine him sitting in the speaker's chair and awarding points after every speech?
"Yes, Mr Advani ... I liked your speech however it did not have the punch lines that your opponents had. And at this stage of the competition, one really needs to bring something special to the table. You really disappointed me. I was expecting much more out of you. I can only give you 6 points though I wanted to give you more but compared to Omar Abdullah's performance, you were really lacklustre."

8. Maneka Gandhi

Clearly, this women is good with animals. They listen to her. So who else, really, better to chair a Lok Sabha debate?

Now, who do you want to nominate?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


As I write this, our television channels and news sites beam images of currency notes being put on the tables in the well of the Lok Sabha. Yes, these images are disturbing. Yes, these images are shameful. Yes, it's a black day for democracy.

However, one thing it is not is surprising.

When I first saw those images, somehow, I was not shocked. Because, finally, the facade has been broken.

We always knew the truth. We knew that support is bought and sold. We even coined terms for it like horse trading and aya ram, gaya ram. Jokes about it are now part of Indian pop culture. We even read scathing editorials and blog posts. We held discussions about it. We made successful and unsuccessful movies portraying it. Today, we finally saw it.

That is why I don't feel shocked. I don't feel betrayed. I only feel bemused and sad and disgusted.

Now all news anchors are giving us sentimental, sanctimonious speeches. Yes, we've all heard that before. Is anything going to change? No. Is Indian politics suddenly going to start being about ideology rather than about money and power. No.

What will happen? There will be outbursts, yes. But only on television. In some drawing rooms over a hot cup of tea or coffee. There will be editorials pooh-pooing all the various players involved. Magazine covers providing an in-depth analysis. Blog posts condemning the media, condeming the politicians, condemning the people. We might even get a few humorous and sarcastic posts out of it. Everyone will agree that politicians are scum and the everyone is corrupt.

After a few days, when the infinite loop of these images have earnt their last rupee on India TV, we will go back to talking about reality shows and bollywood wars. We will justify to ourselves that no one can change anything, that India will remain the same and it's the country is fucked up beyond repair. We will watch our movies for escaping from real life, for doing in the reel world what we cannot do in the real. We will read our books full of magic realism. We will go back to teaching our children that our culture in morally superior to other cultures, and on 15th August we will send each other SMS's which proclaim that our country is the best in the world. Our misplaced jingoistic patriotic pride at work again.

In the end, our politicians will go back to what they are the best at doing, making our country a bonafide de-MOCK-cracy.

Jai Hind.