Halo, America. Long time no see. I guess you and we (the rest of the world) aren't really getting along. We have tried. Believe us, we have. We gave that buffoon you call a President every chance to do the right thing. And as usual, he ended up with his head up his own arse.
Listen, big guy, you can't really wash your hands of your responsibility. You won the effing cold war, so by default, you are now supposed to be the one remaining superpower in the whole world. It's time you act like it and drop your whole schoolyard-bully shtick.
I understand power got to your head. Happens to the best of us. I bully my pets too. But you need to understand that you need to grow up a little. When you screw up, the rest of the world has to pay, like the old ancient Chinese proverb says, You broke it, we bought it. In other words, when you don't have a bowl of chicken soup, the world gets a cold.
It's time for you to be guided in the right direction. So clean your room, wear some clean underwear, have your glass of milk and vote an intelligent person into the office of the your President.
Choose Obama. He's smart, he's educated, he's articulate and he won't steal your wallet. Make a sensible decision for once in your lifetime. Remember all your great leaders. JFK. Bill Clinton. George Clooney. Do it for them. Just think how nice it would be to have a President who can pronounce the word nuclear Or knows how to eat a pretzel.
Let's face it, America. We are angry at you but we love you. Without you we would neither have anything good to watch on TV nor would we have any Internet Porn. Although the Germans make porn too but you can never understand whether they are saying "Daddy's little girl" or "Heil Hitler". Kind of confusing. Ruins the whole mood.
We can't bear to watch you continuing to dig yourself in a deep hole. You clearly require some sort of intervention. So let me put things in terms you can understand.
See, a Barack Obama administration will be like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. It's going to start out good and although everyone will lose their way in the middle, it'll always end on a happy note. A John McCain administration will be like an episode of Sex & the City. You don't really know what to expect but you can be sure that someone is going to get screwed during the process.
Look, all we're saying is be sensible. If you elect another folksy dumb fuck for President, the rest of the world is going to break up with you. Fo shizzle.
You know, to show how much we care, we'll even sweeten the deal for ya. We promise, henceforth, not to call ya dumbass Americans anymore. At least for a while, anyway. Hell, we won't say anything even if we see one of those cowboy boots wearing Texans who think a framed cow's ass is a conversational piece. It'll be hard, but we're ready to make that sacrifice.
Just do a little something you've not done for a while.