Thursday, February 12, 2009

Don't F@#k with our Booze!!

Dear Old People Who Pretend To Run Our Country,

Yes I'm talking to you. Since I don't know how to get through to you, (none of you are on facebook), and unlike the old lady who lives three houses down, I can't make you hear me by SHOUTING IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION, I have to write an open letter. Since most of you are illiterate, I'm assuming you'll have one of your staff read it to you.

Anyways, I don't want to take potshots at you right now. Maybe later. I come in peace.

See, usually, me and other millions of Indians of my age group, we don't care about the issues until the shit hits the fan. And most of the time we're really conscious of our Indian identity only on 26th Jan, 15 August and whenever we beat anyone in Cricket.

We have this unspoken agreement. You do what you need to do to keep turning this country into a clusterfuck, and we keep trying to ignore you. But since you make it so hard for us to ignore your mishaps, we need our daily intake of alcohol to keep creating our own reality, our own version of India. Just like they do in those awesomely irritating "Coming of Age" novels set in IIT\IIM\Other institutes which produce future NRi's.

Things were going so well. You kept burgeoning your Swiss Bank accounts with the money meant for the development of our country, and we kept trying to convince some poor, unsuspecting and extremely racist American that he's talking to some dumbass in Michigan.

But you did the unthinkable. To use some horrendous metaphors, the water finally flowed over our head (See, I learned this from my last manager. He used to translate hindi proverbs into english using each word's literal meaning. Much fun. You should try it sometime. Maybe during Parliament sessions whenever someone talks about the real issues facing our country. At least you won't fall asleep on National Television.), the monkey's back has been broken, the fat lady has sung and we're not in Kansas anymore. (To understand the last one, please have someone from your staff read The Wizard of Oz and explain it to you).

You f@#cked with our booze.

Look, we already take too much crap from you.

You know the tax you deduct from our incomes? Which pays for your fancy home in Janpath? And for your foreign trips? The ones in which you take your wife, your mistress and all the children born from the womb of these unfortunate women? Yes, that's the one. Which also pays for all your five hundred servants. Can you imagine if Gandhi were alive what would he say?

Don't F@#k with the Booze would be his constant rhetorical retort. Although, he wouldn't use the F word. Say what you will about him but that guy was all propah.

Unlike Vallabhai Patel. Now that dude was gangsta.

Look, we're not like your children. We're not going to get drunk and shoot the bartender.

Unlike the next seven generations of your family, most of us don't have well stocked mattresses full of legitimate Indian currency. We have to earn it. So sometimes, when we send too many forwards while at work, we like go to a nice pub, sit back and relax, listen to some crappy music and pay double for our booze and food. Whatever is left after we pay for roads which are not built, bridges which are on the verge of collapsing, electricity is mostly sparse and which causes us to have two backups at home and telephones which only work when the telephone provider needs to remind you to pay the bill. But it's OUR money we spend. I know it's an unknown concept for you. So let me explain things in terms you would understand. Imagine how angry you would get when people expect you to actually use your allocated constituency fund (Yes, we know about that. Something they teach us in school. No, don't change the textbooks. Hear me out, dammit!) to build resources in your ...err... constituency. Just double that anger and multiply it by a thousand. That's how angry we feel when someone tries to take away our freedom.

Okay. I know I lost you there. So before I deride you further, let me explain. Freedom = The right of a person to take decisions that affect himself or herself on their own without any coercion. Mental or Physical.

Stop laughing!! It's a real concept.

No, seriously.

Okay, fine. Don't believe me. Sigh.

Just don't F@#k with the Booze!!

Look, we're not like the politicians they show in hindi movies. Those who get high on a little desi hooch and date-rape the woman on their staff. I'm not saying it's true. I'm hardly in a position to insinuate anything. I'm just specifying what they show in the movies.

Most of us, if we get hammered, end up peeing in the washbasin instead of the WC. If we can't even spray our pee into the correct place, how the fuck would we manage to impregnate young nubile virgins with our superior Indian sperm (now with ISI mark)!!

So Don't F@#k with the Booze!!

Look, we start drinking in our teens. Some of us know the difference between fun drunk and Tara Reid drunk (been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt). Unlike your greed for money, our greed for alcohol is not insatiable. Some of us understand the meaning of the word "moderation". (Of course, when I say some of us, I mean people other than me. C'mon. You can't win 'em all, can ya?)

So Don't F@#k with the Booze!!

If for one minute you think that we wait till we're 25 to have our first drink, then dude, what have you been smokin? By the time I was 25, I had to replace my left liver with a cheap, shiny new one from some poor kid in the Philippines. You're not the only ones who can break the law. No siree Bob.

So Don't F@#k with the Booze!!

See. If you take away our alcohol, we'd have to fill our time with something else. We might even start to read. And reading = knowledge (unless of course one is reading a book by Shobha De. Or Pamela Anderson. I'm horrified even thinking about it. Brrrrr). We might suddenly realize that what you have been upto since we discovered alternate consciousness. We might be forced to talk about the issues amongst ourselves. We might even google for our constitution and land on a wikipedia page which makes us aware of our fundamental rights. We might even fill the election form and finally get that voter Id card made. (But don't worry. We won't vote. Cause election day is like a day off from work for most of us. For those of, us who're single, we would be nursing a huge headache with asprin and wine, and those of us who are married would be nursing a headache and attending a picnic with he extended family. Not that we want to. I mean, it's hard to come up with excuses when everything you can possibly do is closed. Except the bars. We just love the bars. Did I tell you that?)

Hell, we might even read something relevant online instead of the comment section on Amitabh Bachchan's blog. Or hold a candlelight vigil (which is usually held to allow Barkha Dutt to wear her favorite purple Ethnic kurta and tip her metaphorical hat to India's youth while Vikram Chandra huffs and puffs in the studio). We might even use the Right to Information act to find out which self-serving scheme of yours has eaten up our last year's pay.

Do you really want a few million, sober, educated, almost well read, young adults, jacked up on caffeine (Hey, everyone should have more than one kind of addiction. Just being addicted to a single thing is asking for trouble), demanding that you finally change things instead of trying to legislate your own prudish sensibility??


I thought so.

Therefore, pay attention to what I say.

Don't F@#k with our Booze!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

India makes history by electing first USB drive as a Laptop

In another Tryst with destiny, India made history today by giving the title of a Laptop to a glorified USB drive.

In a statement released by the education ministry, Mr Arjun Singh, the first 1000 year old man to hold a such an esteemed position in the Indian cabinet, lauded the move and said that this is a testament to the rising power of India. "We now live in a world where any small, useless USB device can grow up to be a laptop. This proves that our reservation policy works. All this talk of merit is nothing but a huge right wing conspiracy. Where right does not refer to the religious right, but to the people who base their opinion on facts and reality. Just because this device does not have complex computing skills and can perform the same tasks as a pre-Y2K floppy drive, does not mean that it cannot aim for the highest category of computing devices. In fact, I have asked my deputies to come up with a comprehensive reservation policy in which 30% of all laptops in India will be sold in the form of USB drives. The current discrimination must stop. Immediately".

Congress President Sonia Gandhi, in a message to the nation, said that this was the ruling coalition's attempt at showcasing India's technical finesse to the rest of the world. "Forget Obama. We have again shown the world how forward our culture is. We may be beating women who dare to grab a drink, but only in our country can we come up with something that looks like Vinay Pathak mated with that awful computer from Koi Mil Gaya. Not only are we post-race in terms of human beings, we're also post-race in terms of computing devices. Suck on that, Iceland. You may have the first lesbian Prime Minister, but we have the first lesbian computing device"

The Indian Prime Minister, released a statement right after Mrs Gandhi did. It was a simple one line note which read "What her most exalted highness, madam said".

The Health Minister released a cautionary statement and said that "This USB drive is bigger than a lot of average Indian male wieners. This might lead to a large outbreak of Penis-envy. We must stop this epidemic from growing more than it's usual size. Some sort of protection against such a calamity must be erected".

Although not everyone was as convinced of the utility of the device.

The Chinese President, in an off the record remark made to a reporter, said that "In our country, a one year old can mass produce ten thousands of these in an hour. Ha. This is one even a challenge. We will own the faux-laptop market in a matter of months if not by next week". He then bit into his sandwich made of export quality peanut butter and went into a clinical coma.

Pakistani President Zardari, denied that Pakistan had any involvement in producing the device. In a statement released on his behalf by Information minister Sherry Rehman, he said that "In Pakistan, we only use science to make weapons of mass destruction which are mostly targeted towards India. Any other scientific development in our country involves cheap shit from Korea".

The Russian Prime Minister was busy attending a concert of an ABBA cover band and was not available for comment.