Saturday, December 6, 2008

What year is it ... again?

It seems that it was quite naive of me to think that things have changed. That it's 2008.

Did I just wake up in 1991?


But can you blame me for thinking that?

India is facing a big terrorist threat, and has a non-Gandhi Congress Prime Minister, Russia is acting like the bad guy from the original Die Hard, the ISI is aiding terrorists in killing civilians, there is a Bush in the whitehouse, a popular, charismatic Democratic President is about to take office, America is fighting a war in Iraq, the people of Afganistan are hell bent on killing each other and Guns 'N Roses have just released a new album.

It's like deja vu all over again.

I would have mentioned the British but no one really cares about them ever since they stopped making new episodes of Fawlty Towers.

Anyways, my point is that history is not something they made up for broadcasting on the discovery channel. History is something we can learn from, so that we don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

Like you go from relationship to relationship to realize that commitment is something that a couple of lesbians made up. Or that you never drink five glasses of long island ice tea on an empty stomach. As the man once said, mistakes you can learn from.

It's time our world leaders need to learn from the mistakes of the past. Stop repeating the same dumbass policies that led us to the current Snafu.

Like, the new President-Elect of the United States should stop acting all condescending towards the rest of the world. I mean, dude, we like you and all, but we're not Hillary Clinton. You can't tell us what to do anymore. Stop pretending that America is a superpower and all. I mean, c'mon dawg, you were photographed reading The Post-American World unlike your predecessor who was photographed reading The Adventures of the Famous Five. So, stop telling everybody how to run their country and please spend the next eight years trying to undo the mess that retard has left you. We know our shit. Also, while you are at it, please tell the American news media that they need to stop pretending that anybody really cares what they think about world affairs. I mean they aren't really fooling anybody outside North America. Not even the Eskimos in Iceland. And those freaks live in houses made of snow.

As for the Indian government, you need to wake up and smell the burning ammunition. Our international borders are much like a neighborhood in Kabul. The neighbors may pretend to like you and all, but what they really want to do is burn your house down and turn it into a goat-rearing farm. So stop wishing that everybody would just get along and start taking tough measures. Clearly we can do security. I mean have you ever tried to drive into the PM's house just for fun? Er... Scratch that. Have you ever tried to walk into 10 Janpath just to wave and say "Toodles, Mrs G"? They'll have you handcuffed , booked on charges of attempt to murder and jailed for 14 years before you can gesticulate and shout "Mamma Mia!!". So get cracking. See, the economy is bad these days and people don't have much to do except watch cricket matches and audition for reality shows. Since none of either is happening, you really want us to start questioning your every move? Look, do the right thing for once in your life and let the country go back to concentrating on the important stuff. Like Bollywood feuds and not talking about sex.

Now, for our favorite frienemy, Pakistan. Seriously, it's been sixty one years. get over it already. We've moved on. You move on too. Stop acting like a jilted ex-wife and start acting like an adult nation state. Although we got custody of the kids (Kashmir) you still managed to take one of them. So stop turning him into a medieval psychopath and brush up on your parent skills. I know that another reason for you to get angry is because your President drooled over Sarah Palin just like like Karan Johar drools over John Abhraham's butt. But that's not our fault. Blame the Republicans. They are responsible for much that is wrong with the world anyway. We're happy to let your young ones daydream about Aishwariya Rai. I mean, clearly, you have no national icons you can lust after. I mean it's hard to fancy a burqa, isn't it? And in today's world, you may never know who really is behind it. A beautiful nubile young woman who is as delicate as a white rose or a bearded freak intent on blowing up innocent people. It's a catch-22 situation for you, really.

As for Russia, you need to stop acting like a land craving despot. The last guy who decided to start a world war for a few miles of land. was compensating for having one ball. What are you compensating for? A small ...., uh-huh, never mind.

I would have said more but there are two men outside my window, wearing an earpiece and a black suit, smelling of vodka. I think I need to run. And what I really wanted to do was diss that new Guns 'N roses album.



Rukmani said...

heh heh heh

good post

Sia said...

you seriously amaze. me like!


*going back to rolling on the floor laughing*

SRK said...

indeed, now tht u mention it, it does seem like 1991 again...

there's Manmohan and Montek talking of economic reforms...

The LTTE is in the news often...

pity Advani seems too old for rath yatra though

Abhishek said...

"Look, do the right thing for once in your life"
Reminded me of Russel Peters's 'Be a man. Do the right thing':)

Aspi said...

loved the jilted wife analogy

Over Rated said...

Thanks everyone!! I'm glad you guys like it.

SMRITI said...

God...Why didnt I come here earlier...I absolutely love your content!! Doing a great job.... Cheers!! :)