Saturday, May 30, 2009

Honky, please aka if you keep beating up us Indians, who is going to tell you how to use your computer or help you cheat on your taxes?

It's open season on Indians everywhere. Since Kangaroo-fucking season is over, it's now the turn of the annual curry-bashing festival.

When the hot, bikini model was handing out invites to Indian students requesting the pleasure of their company in one of their esteemed universities where they teach high-value courses like crocodile hunting and beer guzzling, she missed to mention one teeny-tiny detail. Which was, that you might get mauled or killed if you commit the heinous crime of being brown.

Everything was going fine and no one was really bothered until the keeper of our national conscience, Arnab Goswami and Times Now, told us to GET ANGRY. That's because as a nation, we really aren't bothered about what happens to people who are not us. Hey, since there are so many of us, why to waste our time worrying about a few stray incidents? After al those people shunned their patriotic duty and did not waste their time "studying" in one of our crappy universities. Hey, if they can't get into an IIT/IIM, how good will they be? Karma is a bitch, isn't it?

And god forbid we should say anything to our government. They were just sworn in. Most of the ministers haven't even been allotted their official house in Delhi where they can keep their mistresses. Also, if you want to blame someone, blame self-proclaimed national monument, Arjun Singh and don't go pointing fingers at everyone else who enabled him. This new-old government is going to open an IIT in every city and staff them with the same government school teachers who mark their attendance by proxy and collect extra pay by giving private tuition. If they don't like government run universities, they can always get their degree in a university the government doesn't recognize. Works out for everyone, doesn't it?

And Australia? Horrifying! Who would have thought that those sweet convict descendants will not be nice to their paying houseguests?

The Australian government isn't that concerned about these incidents. C'mon, what's a few comatose students between good friends? Those race bashers are probably some kooky old skinheads who must be nostalgic for the good ole days when Australian bigotry was coded in the Australian constitution. Isn't that right, mate? No need to get all snappy.

As yoda would say, a few stray incidents here and there do not a racist nation make.

Also, mate, "curry bashing" is so retro. It sounds so 80's Britain. If you want to use a racial epithet, then get it correct. It's Macaca now. Ma-ca-ca.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Dude, where's my government?

Taking a break from swearing at each other, the Congress and it's allies finally decided to swear with each other. Finally, Karunanidhi was able to satisfy all his forty wives and give ministries to hundreds of his own children. Farooq Abdullah doesn't have to sulk and hit on women in foreign countries anymore and Agatha Sangma is  joining a government of a party her father literally loathes.

So besides having thousands of ministers, another hallmark of this government, as per the Congress talking heads, is that it's younger than the previous one. Clearly, nothing says "young" than a council of ministers with an average age of 62. Thanks, Grandpa.

So everyone has been wondering where exactly is their government at? I mean didn't we just vote for one over a whole excruciatingly painful month? So what came of such a "decisive mandate"?

This is the problem with the Congress. Before the elections, it's always like this boy who has never had sex and is asking every girl he sees for an alliance. And after the elections, it's like the boy who doesn't know what goes where and always ends up in the wrong, errr, part of town on his wedding night.

We've literally had a government in absentia even before the elections were notified. We do need a government sometimes. There is a global recession going on, something you would not believe if you see all the weddings taking place in Delhi.  Also, depending on the TV ratings, there might be a global pandemic which might kill everyone who loves them some pepperoni pizza. And in case no one noticed, with the kind of neighbours we have, who really needs enemies who want to see you drop dead?

Some might argue that most government departments are better off and more efficient without a minister, which to an extent is very true. However, we do need someone to make those policy decisions because our bureaucrats are busy sending the same files to each other over and over again because no one in the IAS has ever heard of the internet. Alternatively, having a "performer" as a minister does make a difference. Hell, even the pretence of performance is somehow good for the country. That's because, as everyone knows, in our country people appreciate symbolism more than actually doing something. If you don't believe me, ask Param Vir Akshay Kumar.

In short, this is what we can expect in the next five years. Family politics played out on national television, ministers who can't even write their own name, putting party before country, lip service instead of doing any actual work. 

What was that thing about change, again?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Violent protests in India over something that happened in some other country

Today, riots erupted all over the country because something really awful happened in some country which most Indians, including this reporter, cannot even place on the map.

The details of the horrible events are very sketchy as of now, and more details are expected soon. No one really knows what actually happened, but everyone feels so strongly about it that they felt like burning or breaking something which does not belong to them.

Meanwhile, protestors all over the country have been destroying public property since the break of dawn. Till about mid-afternoon, 300 train compartments, 500 buses and a 1000 cars had been turned into scrap metal.

We asked a protestor in Delhi who was setting fire to a spanking new Volvo bus, the reason of his protest. He told us that he was dismayed by the lack of public transport.

Other protestors had their own reasons. A man was spotted breaking the windows of a luxury superstore. When we asked him why he was doing that, he said that his wife has been pestering him to get a new sofa for their living room and due to the recession he cannot afford any, this was the best way to get a new one. He then also stole our cameraman's equipment to help his son with his photography course.

A frequent protestor stopped us and gave the following statement, "I'm one of those people who will protest anything. Whether something even happened or not. Hell, we'll protest about stuff that takes place on television. The point is that we like to compensate for our lack of sexual expression by breaking stuff. It's just how we roll. When everyone is guilty, no one really gets caught".  If we hadn't recorded and published his statement, he threatened to "protest" outside our publication's office along with his merry band of protestors.

When asked to take stock of the situation, a newly appointed cabinet minister, who declined to be named, asked us to have some patience. "It's just a small protest involving thousands of people. They'll burn a few things down, destroy taxpayer property even though most of these protestors haven't ever paid any tax, hit people who had nothing to with the events that unfolded in some other country, and eventually will head home when they are tired. There's nothing much we can do".  He abruptly ended the interview when the reporter bent down to tie his shoe.

However, former home minister and future Provogue brand ambassador, Shivraj Patil, was visibly shaken and very upset. "This is a terrible tragedy and the government will investigate the matter and punish the perpetrators", he said, more of a reflex action than a meaningful statement. His tense mood could be gauged by the fact that he had changed his clothes more than five times since he first heard of the riots. He solemnly added that "This time, the pee on my clothes did not belong to my grandson".

The news channels were abuzz with activity since the morning. India TV showed images of the violence along with performances by stand-up comedians and predicted that this is the beginning of the end of the world, TimesNow somehow connected the event to Pakistan and blamed Arunadhiti Roy for being a frequent cause of such riots, everyone at NDTV was so outraged that all they showed were commercial breaks and the various anchors at CNN-IBN were so damn loud that one could hear them even after muting the volume.

State-run television, Doordarshan, was showing an old documentary about Mahatma Gandhi, which highlighted how his methods of non-violent protests were adopted by successful movements all over the world.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Fatima Bhutto wants Obama to give Zardari a wedgie and other stories

**WARNING: This blog post contains language and issues which the Indian censor board deems inappropriate for kids below the age of 30. Please read at you own risk. Reading this post might cause you to suddenly start having illicit sex and committing sodomy. Have fun, though.**

Pakistan's favourite fornicating feudal family, the Bhuttos, are at it again. While Fatima Bhutto's estranged uncle and Pakistani President, the one she accuses of murdering her father, takes his act on his new "We're more poor than those darn slumdog kids" international road show in which he is accompanied by the bi-curious Bilawal Bhutto, Fatima vents by "writing" for the Daily Beast pretending to be Pakistan's answer to glorified Presidential candidate daughter, Meghan McCain. I say "writing" because everyone knows that Fatima has one of her man-slaves write down the article and send it across to the daily beast while she and the rest of her harem beat the summer heat by spending all afternoon in the hamam. Just like Arriana Huffington.

Buxoming her journalistic credentials, Fatima lets everyone know that Pakistan has nuclear capabilities, which she explicity says that is not a surprise. Other obvious facts she states is that Pakistan is run by a corrupt government that essentially voted itself into power.  Oh nos. In the article she also equates Obama with other war criminals and to paraphrase, she says that "Jihaaaaaaad" is the Pakistani version of "Wasssssssup". At least that's what I think she says. You know what's scary? There are things that are obvious to even the daily beast's resident South Asian bimbo, but not to the Obama administration.

To be fair, at least she doesn't make you puke by talking about Republicans having sex.

Now try to get that image out of your head. Ha!


Indonesian clerics want to issue a fatwa against facebook because they think that playing scrabolous and answering retarded quizzes leads to illicit sex. Clearly, they have it wrong. I mean if anyone spends most of their day on facebook, it's obvious that the only sex they are having is with their hand or other electronic objects. Also, it's strange coming from the Indonesian clerics. They embraced technology when they used it to meet all four of their underage wives through eHarmony.

Also, I think they if they really want to ban facebook, coming up with an application titled "Which fun thing do you want us to ban next?" is not the way to go about it.


This video is only half-funny.


Don't look at me like that. You would have watched it NO MATTER what I would have said. Research shows that people who read this blog will watch ANYTHING.

Now go play a quiz on facebook. You might get laid tonight and/or destroy your sanity.


By the by, Facebook addiction is under no CIRCUMSTANCE to be confused with twitter addiction. The latter is one of the most intelligent forms of discourse. Unless of course, one is following Oprah.


Despite hitting the airwaves recently for introducing the world to ultra-talented ugly duckling Susan Boyle, and showing us the white version of the Obama-ears disease, Britain might be downgraded from it's currently much desired and practically useless AAA credit rating. As Winston Churchill would say before drowning himself in cigars and whiskey because he really missed his childhood boyfriend Victor, that is absolutely ghastly.

Also, you know that a country is on a path to self-destruction when it VOLUNTARILLY hangs out with Paris Hilton. I think they just don't care anymore. Sad.

Do you think this would be a bad time to ask them to return the Kohinoor? Not trying to be rude here, but it's been sixty years. It's time they return what belongs to us. Maybe we might then think about saving them from bankruptcy?


I realize that this post does make a lot of references about people committing sodomy and enjoying it. To allay all your fears, some of my best friends are homophobic.

Does that help?


Rejoice all you dynasty enablers. We finally have a new government. And unlike all those non-believers who were predicting a hung parliament and loads and loads of donkey-trading (I think donkey trading goes better with a hung parliament, doesn't it? Actually, only if the parliament is well hung. Jesus, just sayin.) I always knew that it was going to be a strong man-date.

Ooooopps. I mean mandate. Sorry.

Please remember: best friends = homophobic.

Whew! That was a close shave.

Okay, I didn't really know anything, and unlike the talking heads on Teevee I don't get paid a gazzilion bucks to be wrong, so I'll come right out and tell you that I just wanted to fit in another gay joke.

Hey, it's not like it's illegal or anything. I mean, c'mon. It's 2009. Who really bothers about stuff like this?

They do?


I'll tell you the same thing I told my parents years ago when they found me passed out outside our house for the *first* time.



Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Apologies to the Indian Voter

Dear Indian Voter,

I owe you a sincere apology. Till about Friday evening, I always used to think of you as a dick. Sometimes, I even wondered whether you were retarded. Or assumed that like most of the people I know, you were on crack too.

But, fortunately for you, for the first time in my life, I take my words back. (Discounting the time when I was five and my Dad made me take back what I said to a particular nosy relative even though I didn't mean too. Since I don't want to go into details, let's just say that she had never been called a word that rhymes with punt).

Knowing your penchant for pretending that human beings do not have reproductive organs, and children are born because you starve yourself to death every Monday, I safely assume that you would be outraged at being called a dick. After all, it's just like the love that dare not speak it's name.

However, can you blame me for referring to you with such an epithet? You are the same people who, just five years ago, gave the party of Prakash "I'm going to wear the same white shirt for five years no matter how much it fades" Karat SIXTY seats. And the same people who almost gave everyone a heart attack by making us think that the words "Prime Minister Mayawati" might ever be a distinct possibility. You even voted for Sukh Ram. Sukh Ram. The guy whose cleaning lady is a billionaire because she used to find unattended currency notes lying around in his house. In fact, if Sukh Ram would have been British, he would have been the Speaker of the House of Commons. But we're Indian. We should have a higher standard than a country which would let a future King marry a horse.

However, kudos to you, for voting out the "kingmakers", the "wheeler-dealers", and other kinds of pimps whose desire to "serve" you was as fake as Pakistan's intentions to take on the Taliban.

You proves that al the talking heads on TV, who call themselves Pundits are as clueless as, well, real Pandits! You even showed the middle finger to smug elitist little assholes (who are not me) masquerading as journalists. For that, yes, I do owe you an apology.

However, let's not lose sight here. We might have voted for the lesser evil, but remember it is the lesser evil. While it may not be Darth Vader, it's just as bad as Dr. No.

These are the same people who thought that giving serial dresser, Shivraj "Look at my coat, bitches" Patil the HOME ministry and giving him the responsibility to lead our national security team was a good idea. These are the same people who continue to let someone who can't even stand, shoulder the responsibility of our education. I don't know about you, but I think that it's not a good idea for someone born in the late 15 Century be our minister for Human Resource and Development. These are the same people who let part time sociopath and full time deranged individual be the administrator of public health. These are the same people who quoted the Bible, yes, the same book which Donald Rumsfield used to justify killing Iraqis, as proof against homosexuality, in a court of law. The same book which says that the earth is flat and that animal cruelty is okay because God gave animals no soul.

So let's not lose sight of what's important here. Despite what the sensex will tell you, we do have tough times ahead. We need a government which actually pushes through some much needed reforms. The new government has to choose. It can either be like the movie Juno, and be an underrated sleeper hit or it can turn out like Speed 2, which although had so much potential, was a bigger disaster than the movie depicted.

However, until then, let's just gloat about the fact that the Indian voter put an economist into the most powerful office in the country. Even if he doesn't wield that much power. 

What? Do you think a "game-changing" election means newer jokes?

Now that's funny!

Friday, May 15, 2009

No one wants to leave the Slumdog kids alone

Can we go one fucking week without something happening to these little fucks?

Someone buys them, someone pretends to buy them, then someone invites them to their home, turns out that it was Michael Jackson wearing a skeleton mask, then someone takes away their lunch money, and now, apparently, they are shooting the sequel to the movie, called, Slumdog Millionare 2: Honey, the government just shrunk our home. It's going to be as bad as the original, but somehow still turn out better than 2 Fast and 2 Furious. Hell, anything's better than that movie.


Also, it takes a really special kind of asshole to shove a mic into the face of a crying kid. But hey, makes for good report.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Obama does not want to wake up one day and smell a burning Iran

Stop in the name of Allah or Jesus or whatever turns you on buddy

Hopefully Kosher newspaper Haaretz reports that President Obama has told Israeli PM Netanyahu that he would consider a surprise attack by Israel on Iran a really bad belated inauguration gift. And if there is one thing Obama knows, besides knowing everything about everything else, it's about bad gifts.

U.S. President Barack Obama has sent a message to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu demanding that Israel not surprise the U.S. with an Israeli military operation against Iran. The message was conveyed by a senior American official who met in Israel with Netanyahu, ministers and other senior officials. Earlier, Netanyahu's envoy visited Washington and met with National Security Adviser James Jones and with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and discussed the dialogue Obama has initiated with Tehran.

In fact Obama was so concerned that Israel would sneak up on Iran and waterboard it Dick Cheney style that he couldn't even wait till Monday, the day he is actually scheduled to meet the Israeli Premier.

Thankfully, there is nothing going on this week which might freshen some old wounds.

OH NO! I think I spoke a little too soon.

But I'm sure there is nothing to worry about. After all, the people of the middle east are famous for their restraint, aren't they?



p.s. Can you twitter from inside a home-made bunker?

Air-France treats Indians like Indians treat other Indians: with contempt

According to various reports, India passengers on Sunday's Air France Boston-Paris-Mumbai flight, AF 218, were living history as they were treated by the French the same way their ancestors were treated by the British.

As the Indian Express reports:

The passengers say the real ordeal started after the aircraft with 168 passengers and 12 cabin crew, landed in Paris. According to Sen Gupta, all passengers were taken to the airport’s E terminal and those with European, American or Canadian passports put on a bus and taken to nearby hotels but those without transit visas were made to wait inside the terminal by Air France staff who said they were trying to arrange transit visas through the local police. Half past midnight, they were told the police had refused the transit visas.

After being refused transit visas they were not able to even use the airport lounge. “There was another security check that did not allow us to carry water bottles,” said Vinita. Kachru said they had to raise a hue and cry for water.

Apparently, an Indian carrying bottled water is a security threat. That's because a lot of Indians look like those scary brown terrorisors they show on TV. Also, no one really understood Slumdog Millionaire in France. They kept wondering what was the big deal about jumping into a pile of human crap anyway?

That's what they usually do there on Wednesdays.

What? I'm sure they have a good reason for that. It must be detoxifying technique or something.

Also, to be fair, it's France. Even harmless little poodles are classified as a threat to national security.

Moving on, according to the ToI:

They were confined to a lounge with too few seats, so many sat on the floor. There was one loo for 55 people. "We were only given a sandwich and a bottle of water each," said passenger Kalashree Sengupta. The passengers alleged that when some of them protested the long delay, an airline official threatened to hand them over to the police.

So the passengers were meted out the same treatment usually reserved for overcrowded weddings and BPO fresher interview sessions. 

Responding to the complaints, Air France said that "Fuck it, we're French. If we cared for what other people thought, we would have started using deodorant sixty years ago. And when you have a first lady as hot as ours, you can fucking do anything you like".

Okay. That's not exactly what they said. But I'm sure that's what they meant.


Pardon my French?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

If you don't agree with what Dick Cheney says, he will fucking shoot you in your fucking face

The world's scariest politician and pseudo-human, former Vice President Dick Cheney, continues his "Since you voted for the Muslim terrorist you're all going to die" media tour.

In an interview on Tuesday he said that

. . . We successfully defended the nation for seven-and-a-half years against a follow-on attack to 9/11,” he said. “That was a remarkable achievement. Nobody would have thought that was possible, but it was. I believe it was possible because of the policies we had in place, which they're now dismantling.

Lets examine how exactly did cyborg Cheney and his Dick army keep America safe:

a) By torturing people who had nothing to do with 9/11
b) By invading a country which had nothing to do with 9/11
c) By supporting a dictator under whose reign a possibility of another 9/11 increases
d) By outing a CIA agent (to settle a personal score with her husband) who was investigating a country which had actual WMD's hence indirectly contributing to the possibility of another 9/11 type attack [click here]
e) Using the Iraq war to benefit his personal fortune as well as all his sugar-daddies [click here & here]

Of course, in Dick Cheney's world, waterboarding is not torture, it's a simply an "enhanced interrogation technique". Just like instead of calling Dick Cheney an asshole, one can simply refer to him as an "instrument of spreading regurgitated crap". [click here]

When asked whether he listens to critics who accuse him of being, well, a dick, he said that:

Cheney also dismissed criticism that he has gone overboard in his attacks against the new administration. “I don't pay a lot of attention to what the critics say, obviously,” Cheney said.

Because, you know, according to conservatism, listening to your critics turns you gay.

No matter that more than sixty percent of the American public rejected his way of life, and less than twenty percent of Americans identify as Republican, and everyone else on earth thinks this guy should be put out to pasture, but, Dick Cheney believes that everyone just needs to be more like Dick Cheney.

“I personally am a conservative Republican,” he said. “I obviously believe in my philosophy, and I think that's the basis upon which we have to build any resurgence of our party. I think we will, but I think we'll do it by being true to our principles, not becoming more like the Democrats.”
Asked if he believed the Republican Party would become isolated if it followed his route, the former vice president said simply “no.”

Yes, you and the people who enable you Mr Cheney, are nothing short of war criminals. Not only the policies that you have followed have made America and the world less safer, your bankrupt ideology has caused millions of people to lose their lives and millions of others to be denied their rights. But we take heart in the fact if you keep up what you are doing, in a few years, you and your party will have self destructed and disappeared into a whites-only country club. Just like your former boss.

Hey, don't take my word for it.

When pageant contestants attack

The most folksy Governor in the world and former Miss Alaska second runner-up, Sarah Palin, is getting a $11 Million book deal. That's even more than the advance Hillary Clinton got for her memories.

So let me get this straight, you lose an election, you don't know basic geography, you wink at little children and scar them for life, become a leader of the know-nothings and viola, EVERYONE wants to pay top dollar for your book.

A question for all pregnant couples right now: Is this the world you want to bring your child up in?

[For more information, click here and here]

Now, ghost written books aside, all you law students out there get ready for the next big case that is going to take America and the rest of the world by storm. Move over OJ Simpson, you're not even a blot on the surface of this bandwagon.

Eighty years from now, when you're living in a make-shift cave like structure because nature finally decided to be pissed of enough at the human race because of global warming, you can warm your freezing family which is dying of hunger by telling them that YOU were alive and were able to bear witness to HISTORY.

Presenting the case of the millennium:

Sarah Palin v

[For more information click here and here]

This shit just writes itself.

If this doesn't make Ms. Palin the frontrunner of the Republican Presidential nomination for 2012, I don't know what will.

The defense rests, your honour.

The fuck it does!


Speaking of beauty queens who won't go away, the world's most prejudiced fake boobs, Miss CA Carrie Prejean, has been pardon by the most self-serving set of hair, Donald Trump, for being a bigoted ignoramus.

[Gawker has more info]

Keith Olberman sums up nicely what the rest of us want to say.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

This week in Entitled Politicians

Last week's election day was not good for the Yadav brethren of the "fourth front". Both Mulayam and Laloo were caught on candid camera.

Relax, it's not what you think.

Mulayam was caught seen trying to intimidate an IAS officer deputed for election duty as the officer did not allow him to take more than one "bodyguard" while going to cast his ballot. The officer of course was only following the rules. But Mr Yadav insisted that "he was the law". Something like that anyway.

The next mildly disturbing visual was the other Mr Yadav, Laloo, treating the reporters gathered at the polling booth the same way he treats a wild cow in his shed. Raising his hand to pretend to hit them until they go back into their "rightful" place.  [Please note that no cows were hurt during the thought process for this terrible metaphor. Thanks.]

Of course. Both of them did this with brazen comeuppance. Not even the pretension of minimum civility that they usually put on when the cameras start rolling.

These are the tactics of people who have nothing else to lose. They simply reek of desperation. They know their so called vote bank is not really into TV news probably because most of them don't even have TV. And if they did, it would have been stolen by the local mafia. anyway This is their frustration rearing it's ugly head. They might get such a small number of seats that they would have no leverage. And since they are out of power at the state level too, they can literally smell their stint in irrelevance. Therefore they do things like these or throw tantrums asking for the Congress's attention because sometimes, a brother just wants a hug.


Another entitled politician is out Minister for Youth affairs, Sports and other things no one else cares about, Mr M.S. Gill. He is so fake outraged by the mobile IPL game that he even fake warned Lalit Modi. Does the Congress have a problem with anyone who uses the last name Modi?

As for the Sports Minister, is this what you want to take on? Don't you have better things to do? Like take on those bookies who ACTUALLY gamble on the game? Or maybe find and book other criminals. But of course, how can you take on criminals? That would involve persecuting members of your own party and your other "allies". Of course, in case people don't agree with you, then you can threaten them with consequences.

You know what's a bigger gamble, Mr Minister? Voting for your party. In fact, for any party. Because you may be mortal enemies with certain parties one day, and be their staunchest allies the next. Like the honourable PM. Last year said that the left parties made him feel like a "bonded labourer", and now, suddenly he "enjoys" working with the left.

Really? Because when one thinks of fun and enjoyment, one thinks of Prakash Karat and Sitaram Yechury!

Enjoy? Seriously?


Speaking of people who are entitled, has anyone ever noticed as how our politicians always refer to coming into government as "coming into power". And their terms in government are defined as "X Party reign" and the party is government is always referred to as the "ruling party".

Not that I am under any delusions, but, Gee, Freudian slip much?


How can one speak of entitled politicians and not mention the uncrowned Queen of the Congress party?

Does anyone remember the last interview she gave? I, for one, do not.

I agree that sometimes our media is nothing to write home about. We've got one lady on a particular channel who keeps feigning outrage at the drop of a hat, another host of 9 PM show who I'm sure cries to sleep everyday and another managing editor who doesn't forget to say "A week is a long time in Indian politics" at every damn opportunity. (No offense, but get a new catchphrase buddy. It's been fifteen years. Even Hulk Hogan reinvented himself more than you do).

However, having said that, the media, is a very important part of our democracy. Granted that most of their shows revolve around little children falling into a ditch and the next temple AbhiAsh is going to worship at, but sometimes they do come through.

Of course the argument can be made that Mrs G does not hold any office and hence is not answerable to the public. Au contraire, my dear Watson. She calls herself the leader of the UPA. And she is the President of the Congress Party. She goes around the country every election asking for people to vote for her party. She does need to be questioned. And she needs to give non-scripted answers.

Although I don't think that's possible. Any journalist who does manage to get access, will probably ask such softball questions that even Jayanti Natrajan would tear up a little bit. And the last time Jayanti cried, it was the minute after she was born.

Not that I would be interested. If I wanted to see someone speak Hindi with a bad accent, I would watch a Salman Khan movie.


Saturday, May 9, 2009

The scary singing dictator


He can get anyone in the world killed at a whim. He wants everyone to pay ten times over for use of Russia's natural resources/restrooms. He can take a bull by the horn during his morning walk and reach home in time for breakfast.  He wants to take your babies and use their blood to feed his army of cyborgs.

But Damn! He can sing!.

Look out, Susan Boyle. Russia's got talent too!

Spot the difference


[via The Official Whitehouse Photostream]

"I am concerned to the fact that I want more support. I am thankful for the support that I got and thankful to the people of America to give their tax dollars to us but I need more support. ... I want to make a case with the world and the United States and the Congress and the president of America that, look at us, see what our weaknesses are, and decide for yourself what do we need?"

- Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari, 5 May 2009, while answering a question posed by Wolf Blitzer on the CNN Situation Room

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Mumbai voters drive everyone crazy

Ever since the third phase of polling ended, the Indian media has given the whole country a migraine wondering why the people of Mumbai HATE democracy. They have been meditating on their favourite tarot card while wondering why the people of Mumbai didn't vote for the status quo. And to cure their insomnia, instead of counting sheep, they've been interviewing imaginary people who did not vote to get to the bottom of this eternal quandary.

Now, some people have been able to get over the shock and come up with their own theories on how to prevent such an occurrence from happening again.

One of the brilliant ideas (brilliant for ideas pulled out of people's asses) is to make voting compulsory.

I think it's an idea whose time has come. Not because it's the best way to get voters out -- we'd much rather they came out on their own -- but because Indian democracy will be seriously damaged if turnouts continue to fall at this rate.

Silly me! I thought the basic pillar of democracy was that one does not make decisions for other people! In a participatory democracy, isn't participation voluntary? Just like consensual, pre-marital sex ? Free will. Isn't that one of the principles of democracy? But what do I know, I never paid attention during civics class.

This reminds me of another country which has compulsory voting.

That's right. The "Democratic" Republic of Korea. Where, in a reality show, if you get eliminated, you are actually killed and your remains stuffed into individual Peking rolls and sold to unsuspecting tourists as a 'delicacy'. Stellar company, people. Stellar company.

We're already half-way there anyway. We did have our own version of a Dear Leader at one time.

Isn't it great that we nipped nepotism and dynastic politics in the bud? Two cheers for Indian democracy, baby!

Hip Hip, Hu......cough cough.

And then there is Vir Sanghvi. Always expect him to come up with the most inane observation ever.

If you think back on these claims and assurances, you will realize that not one of these statements was backed by any empirical evidence. Most of us believed them only because they were reported in the media again and again. We were told by relatively prominent Bombay socialites (but significantly, not by any politicians) that the mood of the city had changed. And we took them at their word.

What the low turnout figures tell us is not that Bombay has failed India. In fact, the city has reacted in exactly the same way that responds to every election. What they really tell us is this: we listened to the wrong people. We wasted our time believing socialites, admen, midgets on the fringes of journalism, small-time actors and busybodies who made grandiose political statements each time they got onto TV or wrote guest columns in newspapers.

Isn't that the problem?

Gee, I wonder why women more than sixty years old who write novels which exhibit awkward sex (not that I have ever read any of those books. Please, I'd rather die of the swine flu.) do not represent the mainstream. You know what one of the problems of the media is? They keep looking at people who are can "represent" other people in a totally non-hip-hop way. Anybody who claims to represent any demographic, well, is a fool. And anyone who believes them, an even bigger fool.

I sincerely say that on behalf of people everywhere.

One thing about Vir Sanghvi. He thinks everyone else besides Vir Sanghvi is an elitist.

Dude, you wrote a book about FOOD. How is that not being an elitist?

As for the people who didn't vote, the following picture is a perfect metaphor for what they want to say.

The Real Countries of South Asia

South Asia has turned into a really, really bad Bravo reality show. [Wikipedia]

Pakistan is like a bad imitation of Sigourney Weaver's character from the Alien franchise. Although, it's doesn't have the balls like Ellen Ripley to kill itself and the alien queen it's carrying in it's womb. [WaPost] Also, Alien vs Predator is a perfect moniker for Pakistan's "war" with the Taliban.

Someone put some industrial strength drugs into Nepal's drink and now it's woken up with a really bad hangover. [NYT]

Sri Lanka is in a really bad mixed marriage and has set a new bar for domestic abuse. [InEXP]

Which in turn is causing J Jayalalitha to go more crazy. [Asian Tribune] (Okay. I'm not saying that Jayalalitha is big enough to be her own country, but you do need a passport to meet her).

Bangladesh had pre-pubescent sex. Possibly with Michael Jackson.  [Mon&Critics]

China was in a really bad place and sipped it's own lead infested milk. And then it had some Mexican food. Now it's feet are bloated, it's eyes are shut and it's hiding in a corner in the attic worried that it might get Swine Flu. Although, eating the household rat was not a step in the right direction. [TIME]

As for Bhutan, don't just stand there, DO SOMETHING CRAZY. [BusStandard]