Thursday, August 21, 2008

News Dictionary

Are you confused? In these times do you feel overburdened with information? Don't worry, because as always, we at overated outcast help you navigate through the news with our aptly titled news dictionary.

Big Boss: A reality show which puts more than a dozen celebrities in a single house for more than eighty days without access to TV, internet, phones and mouthwash. By celebrities we mean people who are in the news for all the wrong reasons. A racist, a former cocaine junkie, a alleged former mistress of a don, a lowbrow comedian, a person suspected to be a human being, all under one roof. Sadly, nobody in the outside world misses the people inside. In fact people were wondering if they can seal the house. Not without a certain Ms Shetty though.

Bachna Ae Hasino: The latest Yash Raj flick to hit the theaters. The leading man's only claim to fame is dropping his towel to reveal his cracked up sense of humour and having a famous last name. One of the leading ladies is his girlfriend and one of the leading ladies looks like his mother. The title shares it's name with one of the famous songs of the leading man's father. This is in keeping with his promise of not pimping his heritage to further his career. A man of his word, which is such a rare quality these days.

iPhone: About to be launched in India on the 22 August, it is already on it's way to become a bestseller. The "I" in the phone's name stands for idiot , referring to anyone who actually purchases the phone. The Phone stands for phone because the device can mostly be used to just make phone calls, which recent reports have suggested is mostly achieved by trial and error. The phone cannot be used as a modem, cannot be used to record videos and turns most of it's buyers into smug little assholes. Credited with ushering in the real smart phone revolution, the device uses technology which can be found in phones manufactured in 2004. The real purpose of this device is to blow some smoke up it's owners ass so that they can buy more apple devices.

Olympics: A global sporting event which encourages people to get excited about all the wrong things. The current version is being hosted by a county which plans to take over the world, one unit of lead infested cat food at a time. Also the opening ceremony consisted of all the world leaders getting together and singing Kumbaya, We are the world and Who the fuck is Alice.

Splitsvilla: A reality show where the men look like women and the women look like men and the stupid bald guy looks like a stupid bald guy. The men act like they have never seen a women ever, the women act like they would hump anything with a dick and the host pretends that people watch this show. This goes to show that just because you keep saying f**k on television, it does not guarantee an audience.

Obama: A candidate running to be the next President of the United States, or as some people call it, the leader of the free world, wherein the usage of "world" does not include Eastern Europe, Russia, Asia, the Middle East and most of the South American continent. Even though he is the better suited to hold this position than his opponent, Old MacDonald, he still is struggling to maintain a lead in the polls. It seems that the American people have decided to live up to their stereotype of being stupid. As they say, God Bless America.

Georgia: A little known former Soviet and now-independent country which was put on the map recently when it was Invaded by Russia. Even though the US promised to come to it's assistance in such a situation, it advised Georgia to simply Walk it off.

Poland: A little known European country whose invasion usually signifies the beginning of a world war. Or at least another season of 24. Has recently inked a treaty with the US which bolsters it's defense against Russia err.. Iran. This has angered the Russians who now want to bomb Poland into oblivion. To which Poland said "Dude, where's my car?."


Che said...

The iPhone definition is as apt as it get. And so are most of them.
Good one as usual.

Jhayu said...

The leading man's only claim to fame is dropping his towel to reveal his cracked up sense of humour


And you really are heavy on the Chine-lead thing, aren't you?

Over Rated said...

che: Thanks... Though I hope this doesn't invite the wrath of the cult of Steve Jobs.

jhayu: No, not really. I just go for whatever fits the narrative. I just realized that I did three simultaneous posts involving China. Too much of a good thing, huh?

ess said...

As someone who's almost in the cult, I can tell you that it most certainly will invite their wrath.

And if only we could seal the Bigg Boss house for good...

About the fuck-not-getting-an-audience, I thought that's what Roadies was supposed to teach us.

Avionic Spanker said...

wow .. brilliant as ever .. u are actually giving publicity to bald man and his show .. u realise that?

Tazeen said...

///A reality show which puts more than a dozen celebrities in a single house for more than eighty days without access to TV, internet, phones and mouthwash.///

Living without TV, internet and phones is ok. But a dozen people without mouthwash for eighty days? They must be in cahoots with the Dentist Association of India to boost their business.
My first time on your blog and i totally loved it.

Che said...

Ah dont worry about the ipeople, they are less harmful than the isheep.

Ambuj Saxena said...

It's "Bigg Boss", not "Big Boss". :)

BTW nice post

Over Rated said...

ess: So you've finally crossed over to the dark side? Where third party applications are not allowed and everything is neat and organized?

Maybe we can send the bald guy from roadies into the big boss house and seal the f'ing thing. Will do the world a lot of good.

avionic: yeah ... But then I'm hoping he gets so famous his head explodes ...

tazeen: thank you .. Yes, the winner will use all his money to buy a lifetime supply of mouthwash.

che: Most of them are an iPain in the Ass. And I think I can handle them. I have windows vista *cue evil laugh* ...

ambuj: oh, my bad .. thanks ...

ess said...

Nah, I haven't crossed over completely. I still think the iPhone is a right royal waste of money. I mean 30k+ for a phone that can't even forward an SMS. No, thank you, Mr. Jobs!

Although if you really think you can counter the iPeople with Vista... (Which, btw is what Tata is calling the new Indica. Urgh!)

Over Rated said...

So there's still hope for you
I plan to face the wrath of the iPeople by installing windows on their shiny macs when they are not looking. That'll show em.

What's with Tata naming their cars after IT company products? First was the nano, now vista.

What's next? The Tata G-hound?

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Great, someone shares the same views on splitsvilla as me.

(*doesn't agree on iphone views; takes a deep breath and tries to look away*)