Hey, American Media, listen up,
I thought this election would never end.
I mean who fucking takes two years to elect a President for to serve a term of four years? Why can't you guys do anything like normal people? It takes the rest of the world about three or four months to prepare for and conduct an election. Really, sometimes I wonder if you were dropped on your head when you were born.
Can you guys talk about something else now? I wouldn't have normally insisted but you know that when you talk about something, other countries have to talk about it too?
See, you're like the cool kids in high school who all sit together during lunch and talk about all the cool stuff and the rest of the world is the geeks, nerds and dorks who wouldn't know cool if it bit them on their retainers. So they overhear the fringes of your conversation and whisper it to each other. Or they continuously check your facebook profile to find out what's happening.
Talking about what you talk about prevents us from actually thinking about issues in our own countries. Also, it helps our politicians when they can blame every other fuck-up on your country.
This has got to stop.
See, we're getting desperate for new things to talk about.
We'll take anything. You can even talk about Lindsay Lohan's gay lover. Or maybe that's not such a good idea because that makes Russia all horny and it really freaks the crap out of Iran.
We can talk about sports. No, wait, you guys play baseball the rest of the world plays football (or soccer, as you call it). Except Japan. They can't play much of anything because any open space in Japan is either converted into a skyscraper or a Sony play station factory.
Let's try something else. We can talk about books. Yes. Books. Oh, but wait. We really didn't read books written by Pamela Anderson. And some people in Europe go batshit crazy when you keep talking about The Da Vinci Code.
Don't worry. We can talk about business and the financial markets. Or not. Uh-oh, that is a little touchy because you screwed that up for the rest of the world. And to prove that we aren't angry with you, we will tell you the same thing women say when they want to get all passive aggressive on your ass because you can't guess what stupid thing you did this time for which you'll have to make up for by buying some flowers or candy. Or both. Everything's fine and there is nothing to talk about. Look, everybody is not like Canada. We can't let you walk over us like that you do to that poor slut.
Err....Ummm.... Have you seen the new Shilpa Shetty DVD? .. Dammit!! Wrong country.
Right. Okay. Fuck it. I give up.
So tell me, do you think Hillary Clinton will run again in eight years?