Barack the Vote, America

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

In a couple of days, when a majority of Americans get in line to vote for the next President, it would behove them well to remember 15 September, 2008, the day when Lehman brothers filed for bankruptcy and bought the global financial system to the brink of collapse, while the Bush Administration did nothing; or maybe 29 August, 2005 when Hurricane Katrina flooded the town of New Orleans causing extraordinary damage to both life and property while the Bush Administration did nothing; or maybe 1 May 2003, when President Bush gave a staged speech on a navy vessel declaring the end of the Iraq war with a ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner in the background; or maybe even back to 6 August, 2001 when during his daily ‘presidential brief’, Bush was presented with a classified document titled ‘Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.’, a warning that subsequent events revealed wasn’t heeded. 

Earlier this year, during the Republican National Convention, as Mitt Romney accepted the nomination for President, the crowd applauded tepidly. The convention didn’t look like a meeting of happy party members enthusiastically nominating a Presidential candidate. It appeared to be more like a Klan meeting. An auditorium filled with resentful people who were angry at the world for moving on and leaving them behind. A whole swathe of people with low I.Q’s yearning for a past which only exists in their head. A political party whose members had resigned from reality and were more than happy to live in the bubble where they felt safe and happy. Just like their guns, you’d have to take their bigotry, ignorance and fear from their cold, dead hands.

In the movie Game Change, Ed Harris’s John McCain warns Julian Moore’s Sarah Palin of letting the extreme wing of the Republican party co-opt her. Holy Foreshadowing, Batman! Because that’s exactly what happened. Not only did she become the uncrowned leader of the extreme wing of her party, she became its mascot. Yes, the party of Lincoln and Eisenhower is now the party of a reality teevee star who denies climate change, hates gay people, has nothing but contempt for anyone who has read any other book besides the bible and thinks Barack Obama is an Islamist Atheist Communist Terrorist-hugger. (They can’t even reconcile to the fact that a single person cannot be all these things at the same time.)

In the Republican bubble, the guy who ordered the kill on Bin Laden and drops bombs on terrorists using his killer flying robots everyday is soft on terrorism. In the Republican bubble, the guy who saved the American auto-industry from receding into oblivion and saved the global economy from collapse is hurting economic growth. In the Republican bubble, not constantly wanting to bomb every country in the world in alphabetical order is ‘going on an apology tour.’ In the Republican bubble, a person whose life has been investigated, examined and analyzed to such an extent that even his letters to his college girlfriend have been made public still remains ‘unvetted.’  In the Republican bubble, passing a healthcare law that has eluded five previous Presidents and is based on a successful law enacted by a Republican Governor is the sort of tyranny last seen during the Third Reich. (Oh, and by the way, the healthcare law was the only achievement of a one-term Governor known as Mitt Romney. Wonder what happened to that guy!)

When Mitt Romney first started running for office back in 1994, he pretended to be more liberal than his opponent, Edward Kennedy. He pretended to be a pro-choice, gay rights advocating, independent minded, moderate Republican. Even though he lost, he used the same shtick to become Governor in 2002. However, by the time he had started running for President in 2005 moderate Republicans were an endangered species. By 2011, when he announced his second run, moderate Republicans had become an urban myth, like unicorns or a person from Bangalore who doesn’t constantly talk about the weather. So post-2011 Mitt Romney became a ‘severely’ conservative candidate who wants to ban abortion & gay marriage, repeal the healthcare law and cut taxes for the mega-rich. Now he was for deporting undocumented immigrants, building a large fence on the border with Mexico, constantly hugging Israel and denying the existence of global warming. However, since we live in the era of YouTube, for every position taken by conservative Mitt Romney, there is a video of moderate Mitt Romney advocating for the opposing side. Even chameleons escaping a garden full of predators change colour less often.

Romney’s stated foreign policy goals are too unrealistic even for a Tom Clancy novel. He wants to start a trade-war with China and has been constantly talking about bombing Iran to prevent them from making a nuclear weapon. However, during the foreign policy debate with Obama he jettisoned all the previous positions he held and basically took the stance that he’d have the same foreign policy as Obama except he’d be more racist.

Not that Obama is a President who metaphorically walks on water. He’s made more than his share of mistakes and hasn’t been able to deliver on some of his campaign promises. He hasn’t been able to close Guantanamo Bay, his stance on drug use is purely political and he has expanded the Imperial Presidency. Yet, with him you know where he stands on most of the issues. And he doesn’t falter from doing the right thing just because it comes with a political cost. Mitt Romney is a shape-shifter who tries to fit into whatever mould he imagines you want him to.

The world is still recovering from the after-shocks of the last Republican presidency.

Let’s hope America doesn’t saddle us with another.

You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This Article Is About You

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

As he switched off the teevee, he could see the sun rising from his window. However, today this view wouldn’t cheer him up. He had just watched the foreign policy debate between Obama and Romney and he was disappointed that India wasn’t even mentioned once. How many more times will he have to face such humiliation? He feels his country is just a dirty little secret for the President. He took billions of dollars of our hard-earned money and then totally forgot about us. Each time he ignores us, it’s a slap in the face of the awesome future we had planned together. How can you do that to us, Barry? How can you slap?

As a country full of people who need constant validation, it was no surprise that the main point of discussion after the Presidential debate broadcast was that no one mentioned India during the debate. We’re like that character in sitcom who only pays attention to what other people are saying only when they’re talking about him. Even though the debate revolved around which candidate would be more awesome at bombing more brown people, people were upset that no one gave us a shout-out. After all, we invented the zero, bhangra music and Anil Kapoor. Isn’t that reason enough for everyone to keep talking about us, all the time?

Our politicians, diplomats and journalists have a schizophrenic love/hate relationship with America and its President.

Our politicians love to blame the ‘ubiquitous’ foreign hand for everything they are unable to explain. A foreign hand is behind the grassroots protest against nuclear power. The foreign hand teaches people that Internet censorship is bad. The foreign hand is in your telephone, tapping all your calls. And yet, the very same people trample over each other to shake the foreign hand when he comes over for a visit.

Our diplomats carry around a secret boner for the Republicans. Especially for their knight in faux cowboy boots, George W.  Bush. Because he does things they have always wanted to do. He didn't worry about "global warming" or the "Geneva convention" or "International treaties"  and would bomb, whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted. So what if a lot of civilians died as collateral damage? Who has time to find out if they’re bombing the right target or invading the right country when they’re busy choking on a pretzel? Christopher Columbus took a wrong turn - because he was using Apple Maps for navigation - and look how well it turned out for him. Republicans are always good for India! Who even remembers the time a Republican Administration sent a battleship to the Bay of Bengal to try to intimidate India during the ‘71 war or the time when another Republican administration funded the start of Osama Bin Laden and his ‘Jihad Jamboree.’ And don’t forget that while the last Republican administration might have given billions of dollars to the architect of the Kargil invasion to go shopping for weapons, they probably never intended to start another arms-race.  

Our news anchors act like entitled fangirls. They’re quite brave when they’re shouting at the teevee screen but turn to an embarrassing pile of mush once they’re actually faced with a member of the American government. One news anchor even asked Hillary Clinton on her first visit to India as Secretary of State to affirm America’s ‘love’ for India? What are we, a geopolitical entity or a girl in a rom-com who is about to lose her virginity to the wrong guy? Our journalists’ creepy obsession with America isn’t just limited to having a love-hate relationship with their political system. Our domestic news is also framed in American terms. Every terrorist attack in the country is India’s ‘9/11.’ Every government scandal is India’s ‘watergate.’ Every award ceremony in the country is India’s version of the Oscars. Aamir Khan’s teevee show talks about social issues, so naturally, he is India’s Oprah. And India has had more versions of Obama than the population of Kenya.

Our politicians, South Block mandarins and news anchors forget that only British Prime Ministers are constitutionally obligated to have unrequited feelings for the American President.

And that they’re supposed to get over him once he leaves office.

He knows that one day, Barry will be his friend. Until then he will sing Barry Can You Hear Me/Barry Can You See Me to the moon every night. He can take solace in the fact that some time in the near future, we will take our rightful place, right next to America, and both of us together will heal the world and make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race. One day Barry will come home. Until then he will do what he does best. After all, the nation deserves to know.

Hail to the Chief

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

India’s brother from another mother and the world’s #1 source of porn and engaging television shows, the United States of America, finally began its pivot to the general elections. Unlike in our country, being President in America actually means something. Not only do you get to live in your own palatial house, you can use your own personal plane to go on as many shopping jaunts as you want. Now, America takes its responsibility to elect a President very seriously. That is why elections for the next cycle begin as soon as a President is elected.

On the Republican side we have the guy who used to play Ridge Forester on the Bold and the Beautiful, Mitt Romney; representing the Democrats is the incumbent Fresh Prince of Washington DC, Barack Obama. Mitt Romney has been running for President since 2005. He never stopped running, even when he lost the nomination the last time to the guy who chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. This last year, even though Mittens was the presumed frontrunner, he still almost lost the nomination again, at various points during the primaries. The Republicans are as excited about having Mitt Romney as their candidate as bartenders in Delhi are excited about refusing a drink to Manu Sharma, so they tried all the other options-a crazy homeless lady from Minnesota, a guy who was once CEO of a pizza chain right out of a badly written SNL skit, a time traveller from the 1950s and the human personification of every ugly American stereotype ever-before settling for Mitt. In fact, Mitt Romney’s journey to the Republican nomination was littered with so many setbacks that bullied gay kids in small towns all over America were making ‘It Gets Better’ videos for him.

Mitt Romney is the bizarro Obama of this election cycle. The evangelist Republican base thinks his choice of religion is weird, the pundits who presume to speak for the American people would like to know who the real Mitt Romney is and everyone seems to be asking whether he is human enough.

Of course, our mandarins in South Block and their counterparts in the media will love Mitt Romney. Not only does he share their cold war mindset, he cannot stand up to powerful individuals in his own party because he has no real political base of his own. Romney is a feckless generic individual-with the charisma of a bottle of home-made disinfectant-who will say and do anything just to get elected. Where have I heard that before?

It is conventional wisdom in New Delhi that somehow Republicans are better for India. Which is strange, because as the last guy demonstrated, Republican Presidents usually break the world. An overwhelming majority of our foreign policy ‘experts’ and their ‘anonymous sources’ spent the first two years of the Obama Presidency talking about how the previous Bush administration was such a ‘good friend’ to India. Don't you remember how we could call ol' Dubya anytime of the night, to complain about how after gym class whenever we were in the locker room changing back into our casuals, Pakistan used to pick a fight with us to distract us so that China could sneak behind our back and empty a whole tube of Ben-Gay into our fresh, clean underwear. And Dubya used to huff and puff and threaten to blow someone's house down! Meanwhile, Chocolate Gandhi does not even bother poke us back on facebook.

However, the pundits stopped breathing fire and brimstone once Obama came to visit us to whisper nice romantic things into our ear while we relaxed on the back seat of his plush limo. No one even remembered President Woody the Cowboy anymore. That is because we conduct our foreign policy with the same combination of neediness and brooding that Bella from the Twilight series conducts her love-life. And just like her, our only objective seems to be getting a very old, pale white guy to give us his undivided attention.

The most hilarious part is watching Indian analysts grapple with American elections. Their usual habit is to pay attention to it only when someone says something bad and truthful about Pakistan, which helps our news channels spend a week gloating about how we are not hyphenated with you-know-who anymore or when someone says something racist about outsourcing, which helps our news channels spend a week gloating about how America is now scared of India’s growing economic prowess. Watching Indian analysts interpret American politics is like watching the tele-tubbies interpret complex mathematical equations.

What we need is a reality check from someone who has been there, done that – a commentator who really knows how American elections work.

I hear that a handsome soap opera protagonist might be free after November.

Dear Indian media and south block diplomats, Barack Obama is not your boyfriend

So Manmohan Singh is back in Washington, because "The Barack Obama" invited him, to steal all of India's nukes and then distribute them equally between Pakistan and China, because he hates outsourcing?!

Anyways, it's that time of the year again, whenever there is some official level interaction between the Indian and American governments, everyone in the Indian media, print or teevee, has just has one question and one question only: WHAT IS THE CURRENT STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION? IS IT BACK? HAS IT GONE AWAY? IT'S BACK ISN'T IT? OR HAS IT GONE AWAY? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME? WAIT, WHAT IS THIS NEW SHINY OBJECT YOU'RE HOLDING? TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE NEW, SHINY OBJECT. . . .

Everyone (the media and their "anonymous sources" in South Block) keeps talking about how the previous Bush administration was such a "good friend" to India. Don't you remember how we could call ol' Dubya anytime of the night, to complain about how after gym class whenever we were in the locker room changing back into our casuals, Pakistan used to pick a fight with us to distract us so that China could sneak behind our back and empty a whole tube of ben-gay into our fresh, clean underwear. And Dubya used to huff and puff and threaten to blow someone's house down!

And this Obama, he doesn't even poke us back on facebook! What a big 'ol meanie!

Despite the fact that by Dubya did more to upset the Indo-Pak defence "equilibrium", then any other American President before him, he's still missed by everyone, and is seen as a "good friend" to India. The reason that is set in stone is because of the Indo-US nuclear power deal. Even though that was signed not because our buddy had a soft-spot for India, but because it was good for American business interests. Which is why countries usually do business with other countries, because it benefits them in some way or the other!

Shocking! I know!

The truth is that, Bush gave all those little girls in the media and South block a lady boner because just like them he didn't worry about "global warming" or the "Geneva convention" or "International treaties" etc. He would bomb, whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted! He was their brave, white knight in faux cowboy boots, out there killing the bad guys! Even though most of the times the bad guys turn out to be innocent civilians!

And this new guy, Chocolate Gandhi, wants to talk about all those gay things like "nuclear disarmament" and "cutting carbon emissions" and wants to withdraw his army from Afghanistan and Iraq. Gee, what a homo! Whoever has ever even heard of "nuclear disarmament" in our country?

Of course, right now, India and the US have different goals, internationally.  Obama is not here to make friends. He's looking out for his own country's interest, and we should look out for ours. Which doesn't mean that both countries can't be "friendly" with each other and go out for a beer once in six months or  spoon each other every few years (NO HOMO). It's really hard for our media to comprehend the fact that two adults can be friends without actually agreeing on everything. What else do you expect? These are the same people who morphed Amitabh Bachchan's gig of becoming Gujarat's brand ambassador into WHY DID AMITABH BACHCHAN PERSONALLY KILL EVERYONE IN GUJARAT, IN 2002?

The fact of the matter is that even if Barack Obama forcefully lands in Pakistan, bitch slaps Zardari and then pees on Jinnah's grave, our news anchors will find some way to complain about how his actions prove his negativity towards India (I can already imagine Arnab Goswami asking G Parthasarthy "Does his peeing over Jinnah's grave mean that Obama is trying to melt the frozen dialogue with the Taliban?"). All these insinuations are usually for the viewers/readers benefit. Whenever someone from the Obama administration comes a-knockin, they gush over them like a creepy overage Justin Beiber fangirl!

Someone needs to remind them that this is international politics. It requires a little more nuance than what is required during the weekly meeting of the Lajpat Nagar Traders Association (Regd).

Are you there Hillary? It's us, the Indian media . . .

The US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is on a three day visit to India. Or as the media would have you believe, HILLARY CLINTON TO MOVE TO INDIA.

As usual, since EVERYONE got to interview her, each channel branded their interview as an "exclusive". They even managed to ask the same questions.

Specially about the biggest MYSTERY that surrounds the India-US relationship:

Are we still hyphenated?

Did you dehyphenate us again?

C'mon, good woman tell us, WHAT'S THE STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION?

The last time I saw so many people obsess about a dash was when artist Dash Snow passed on to the big orgy in the sky. By the end of it all, Hillary flipped them the bird and was like Why don't you mofos Hyphenate this?

There were other brilliant questions too. Noted journalist and blog hater Barkha Dutt asked Ms. Clinton to reaffirm her LOVE for India.

WTF was that? What are we, jilted lovers? Blow job buddies? When did we start dating America? And FYI, isn't he a little too old for us? We already had a bad experience when we dated the late Soviet Union? Can we stop with the dating old people now? Last time I checked, our country wasn't a playboy playmate.

Hillary also attended a town hall along with Arnab Goswami and Aamir Khan. There was so much ego in that room, if Neil Armstrong had gone back, he would have seen it from the moon. Also, what was Aamir Khan doing there? When did he become a government official? When did we elect him? Can anyone even pee in this country without involving someone from bollywood?

Oh, don't forget the pandering by all our "respected" journalists. Most of the conversation can be summed up by the following:

"ZOMG, are you for real? Are you made of taffy? We really LUURRRRVE YOU!! And your HUSBAND, PRESIDENT HORNDOG! He was such a ladykiller!! And we miss seeing George Bush smile like a smug asshole!!! We miss calling him an evil basted with such profound affection!! Oh, and by the way, say hi to your boss, President Hopey!! ALSO, DID WE MENTION WE LURRRRVE YOU? And please CAN YOU TOUCH OUR HAND? PLEASE???? PRETTY PLEASE?????"

Someone managed to sneak in a real question and asked her about what she would do after the Obama administration would have completed their mandate of healing the world in about eight years? She said she might retire. Even though we all know she's going to run for President in 2016 because the only Republican left by that time would be Meghan McCain . And all Megan wants to do is become President of Twitter.

Although, to be fair to our media, no one asked her even a single question about Michael Jackson.

Suck on that, Larry King.

Later, after almost calling off her trip when she found out that no restaurant in Delhi had named a item on the menu after her like they did for Slick Willie and future world leader Chelsea, she managed to keep-it-together and meet environment minister and noted elitist, Jairam Ramesh. They both bonded over their commitment to climate change and their mutual love for old-school lesbian haircuts.

If this is how the media reacted to Hillary's visit, they really are going to go more batshit crazy when President Messiah visits next year, aren't they?

I can already imagine all the questions about dal and keema.

Sigh.

If you don't agree with what Dick Cheney says, he will fucking shoot you in your fucking face

The world's scariest politician and pseudo-human, former Vice President Dick Cheney, continues his "Since you voted for the Muslim terrorist you're all going to die" media tour.

In an interview on Tuesday he said that

. . . We successfully defended the nation for seven-and-a-half years against a follow-on attack to 9/11,” he said. “That was a remarkable achievement. Nobody would have thought that was possible, but it was. I believe it was possible because of the policies we had in place, which they're now dismantling.

Lets examine how exactly did cyborg Cheney and his Dick army keep America safe:

a) By torturing people who had nothing to do with 9/11
b) By invading a country which had nothing to do with 9/11
c) By supporting a dictator under whose reign a possibility of another 9/11 increases
d) By outing a CIA agent (to settle a personal score with her husband) who was investigating a country which had actual WMD's hence indirectly contributing to the possibility of another 9/11 type attack [click here]
e) Using the Iraq war to benefit his personal fortune as well as all his sugar-daddies [click here & here]

Of course, in Dick Cheney's world, waterboarding is not torture, it's a simply an "enhanced interrogation technique". Just like instead of calling Dick Cheney an asshole, one can simply refer to him as an "instrument of spreading regurgitated crap". [click here]

When asked whether he listens to critics who accuse him of being, well, a dick, he said that:

Cheney also dismissed criticism that he has gone overboard in his attacks against the new administration. “I don't pay a lot of attention to what the critics say, obviously,” Cheney said.

Because, you know, according to conservatism, listening to your critics turns you gay.

No matter that more than sixty percent of the American public rejected his way of life, and less than twenty percent of Americans identify as Republican, and everyone else on earth thinks this guy should be put out to pasture, but, Dick Cheney believes that everyone just needs to be more like Dick Cheney.

“I personally am a conservative Republican,” he said. “I obviously believe in my philosophy, and I think that's the basis upon which we have to build any resurgence of our party. I think we will, but I think we'll do it by being true to our principles, not becoming more like the Democrats.”
Asked if he believed the Republican Party would become isolated if it followed his route, the former vice president said simply “no.”

Yes, you and the people who enable you Mr Cheney, are nothing short of war criminals. Not only the policies that you have followed have made America and the world less safer, your bankrupt ideology has caused millions of people to lose their lives and millions of others to be denied their rights. But we take heart in the fact if you keep up what you are doing, in a few years, you and your party will have self destructed and disappeared into a whites-only country club. Just like your former boss.

Hey, don't take my word for it.

The real George Bush farewell speech

So, tomorrow, by this time, America will have a new President, our generation will have it's JFK (or Clinton?) and Iran will have a new picture to burn and direct it's anger at.

Finally, as the world breathes a sigh of relief, the Bush years come to an end.

So, as a special favor for our unflinching support, President Bush had his speechwriter, Forth grader Debra McBride from Crawford Texas send us the first draft of his farewell speech for us. As he loves to say, it seems that our childrens are really learning.

Fellow citizens: For eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your part time Decider and part time comedian president. The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence — specially for Iraq and Afghanistan. a time set apart. Tonight, with a thankful heart, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the journey that we have traveled together, and the future of our nation Which I tried my best to ruin.

Ten, Nine, Oh it's not a countdown?Five days from now, the world will witness the vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding mothers? cowboys? the village people??? let's keep it as a TBD, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by you, the American people and not the wall street banks, Big oil companies, big tobacco and the Florida Supreme court. Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose history reflects the enduring promise of our land. This is a moment of hope and pride for our whole nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to President-elect Obama, his wife Michelle, and their two beautiful girls.

Tonight I am filled with gratitude — to Vice President Cheney Specially for not shooting me in the face and members of my administration most of whom are either dead or writing a book exposing my administration; to Laura, who brought joy to this house and love to my life and who never used big words while talking to me; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna for not getting knocked up; to my parents, whose examples have provided strength for a lifetime. And above all, I thank the American people for the trust you have given me. I thank you for the prayers that have lifted my spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of courage, generosity and grace that I have witnessed these past eight years mostly in the innocent people my administration has tortured.

As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. But I never did. Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nationexcept on Sundays when I received briefings from Jesus himself. Or some crazy pastor who hates the gays.. I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe even if I needed to invade every country with oil reserves.

Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security has been created so that "random" brown people can be felt up at airports all over the country. The military, the intelligence community I use the word intelligence loosely and the FBI have been transformed into drive in McDonalds. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor the terrorists' movements Al Jazeera, freeze their finances by making sure money doesn't have value anymore and we are back to using the barter system and break up their plots. And with strong allies at our side No one says kickass more than Algeria and Uganda, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them except those who support them in Pakistan. Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al-Qaida and stoned women in the streets to a nation where the Taliban throw acid on the faces of woman who try to go to school or to work and where Al-Qeada has grown stronger young democracy that is fighting terror and encouraging girls to go to school. Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an subsidiary of Haliburton Arab democracy at the heart of the Middle East and a friend of the United States a Friend who we would never invite over for Dinner. But a friend nonetheless.

There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions. But there can be little debate about the results Everyone except Sarah Palin agree that I fucked up majorlythese were. America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. This is a tribute to those who toil night and day to keep us safe — law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States Armed Forces except the Gay ones. The gay ones make us weak. Or at least that's what my pastor tells me.

The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems rich and poor. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideologyI'm looking at you , Rev Warren. The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God, and that liberty and justice light the path to peace also torturing innocent people. What? I'm just saying.

This is the belief that gave birth to our nation that and a need for a local Starbucks. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens Although we might have jumped the shark. When people live in freedom, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror Unless they are forced by the US Supreme court. When people have hope in the future, they will not cede their lives to violence and extremism. So around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights and human dignity Once it woks in the rest of the world, we will try it in America. We're standing with dissidents and young democracies, providing AIDS medicine to dying patients which usually cost an arm and a liver — to bring dying patients back to life just like we bring back Dick Cheney everytime he has a heart attack, and sparing mothers and babies from malaria Was I the only one who saw Slumdog Millionare?. And this great republic born alone in liberty is leading the world toward a new age when freedom belongs to all nations except if they have oil. Then they belong to us. Tee hee.

For eight years, we've also strive to expand opportunity and hope here at home Specially if they are bankers. Across our country, students are rising to meet higher standards in public schools they can now write their own name. I can't even do that!. The addicted and suffering are finding new hope through faith-based programs Just like I did. Although I find it easier to talk to God when I am high. Vulnerable human life is better protected specially since I took away Dick Cheney's gun. Funding for our veterans has nearly doubled. America's air and water and lands are measurably cleaner if by cleaner you mean full of dead bodies of people who dared to cross the mob. And the federal bench includes wise new members like my former nanny Justice Sam Alito and my former gardener Chief Justice John Roberts.

It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your president. There have been good days and tough days but most of them were bad days. But every day I have been inspired by the greatness of our country, and uplifted by the goodness of our people . I have been blessed to represent this nation we love The great state of Texas. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other — Chief Cheerleader - a title I earned in my college days citizen of the United States of America .

And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time: Good night Please stop celebrating for at least a minute. May God bless this house and our next president Do you know he's black?. And may God bless you and our wonderful country. Thank you Colnel Sanders.

Say it isn't so, Bo

This is just not fair, Mr President-Elect. You just sucked the fun out of Presidential press conferences. You did not fumble when you spoke, you did not invent any new words, your short speech did not sound like something an awkward fourth-grader would say. The words you used had the G's at the end intact. You pronounced nuclear as, nuclear. Hell, you even completed your sentences.

In fact, you appeared to know your shit. You have nuanced positions on certain issues, for crying out loud.

This is completely unacceptable and has to change. Look, we cheered for you. Kenya had an orgasm when you won. The British dropped their plate of spotted dick (it's a food item, you pervert) as soon as they heard. The Chinese opened up some lead-infested dog food to feed some of it's rural workers, in your honor. A few Russians stopped hitting their wives for a while to see CNN declare you the winner over that 200 year old man and that professional infomercial saleswoman.

So, you need to give us our comic relief.

Look, for the past eight years, it has been easy for the rest of the world to see your current President and feel good about ourselves. No matter how fucked up our own leaders were, just having them stand next to that dumb fuck from Texas made them appear statesmen-like. Americans felt inadequate and apologetic whenever they were overseas. We had a good laugh at them, even though orphans in our countries were dying. I mean, who cares about the poor when you have the so called leader of the free world cannot say anything coherent?

You had to win and ruin it all. Thanks to you, being intelligent is cool again. When you held that press conference, it was like listening to adults have a serious and constructive conversation. Where is the fun in that?

Damn you, Mr President-Elect.

I don't speak for everybody, but some of us are going to miss President Numb Nuts.

Although, my third eye tell me that there is someone on the horizon who is going to make things right again. You betcha!!

7 Things Overheard in the George Bush-Manmohan Singh meeting during the G8 summit

7. My Cheney is a woman!!

6. Stop calling me Funmohan, you dumbass

5. Funny thing, even I became a leader without winning the popular vote

4. HELP!!! The President is choking on a piece of chicken tikka ... !! I'm not a real doctor dammit . . . HELP!!

3. Can I borrow Karl Rove for my next election?

2. No, I can't help you fix your PC. I'm not technical support.

1. Mr President, STOP PLAYING HIDE & SEEK and come out from under the table. It's not funny now and it wasn't funny the first 49 times either.

Loose Ends 4.0

So Barack Obama is getting as much bad press as Hillary Clinton. Needless to say, he is bitter.

Obama's favorite tongue twister:

Betty bought a bit of butter ... The bit of butter was bitter ....

Yesterday, Obama received an endorsement from Bruce Springsteen. When quizzed about it, voters in Pennsylvania said "We're still waiting to hear from Sanjaya".

Hillary Clinton labeled Obama as an elitist due to his "bitter" remarks. She made this statement while on her way to a $50,000 per plate fundraiser.

Meanwhile, John McCain called the people in Wall Street "greedy". Although he did add "...unless you're a republican. In that case you are just ambitious."
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So George Bush went to receive the Pope at the airport. When asked about it, the president said that "He really wanted to meet the guy they named those eggs after".

There was this moment of awkwardness when Bush asked the pope about the wife and kids.

It was good that President Bush took time out from his busy schedule to pick up the Pope from the airport. I mean even though it's the fag end of his term, he keeps himself busy. I mean, the 24 set DVD set containing all the seasons of are you smarter than a fifth grader are not going to watch themselves.

Of course, when you think about it, Bush and the Pope have so much in common. One is a strict religious man with empty beliefs with continuing decrease in popularity and the other is the pope.

When the president and the pope came face to face with the protesters, the protesters got confused. They didn't know whom they hated more.

When the Pope landed in New York city, he said that he wanted to see all the sites in New York, like central park, the museum of natural history and Donald Trump's hair.

The Pope gave a very emphatic speech about the temptations of the flesh and the sanctity of marriage. And that was just to the Governor of New York!!

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Snoop Dogg is now coming out with books for little children. The following titles are scheduled to be released:

(a) Cinderella's Fella
(b) Hump Gretel
(c) Horton's ho'
(d) Snowhite blows the seven dwarfs

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Arjun Singh was recently hit on the knuckles by her highness for suggesting that the regent Dr Singh make way for the crown prince, Rahul Gandhi. Me thinks it's time to send old yeller to the farm. Or in this case, make him a governor.

Arjun Singh does not talk to his wife much. She's very reserved.

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