Monday, December 22, 2008

Cheap Recession Vacations: Thailand

Let's face it. The economy is not that good as it used to be.

So, as always, we at Overated Outcast, continuing our endeavor of public service, have decided to help people who are low on cash but high on expectations help select a cheap but fun destination to go to during their measly two week vacations. Each edition will focus on a new country where you can go and spend your precious less-valuable-than-a-few-months-before rupee.

Today, our focus is on Thailand.

Thailand: Where the world goes to fcuk.

Every since the end of World War 2, whenever people have thought of having cheap, unemotional sex, the first thing that comes to their mind is Thailand. There is so much sex available in Thailand that they named their capital
after male genitalia. Chauvinistic? Yes. But then Whores-R-Us does not sound as appealing.

Anyways, besides exporting a number of sexually transmitted diseases, the country is also famous for exporting deposed, rich ex-prime ministers who after losing their office buy an English football team which although belongs to Manchester, is dumbfuckingly not Manchester United. Really smart move there, sparky. That is why most people in your country hate you. That and the unending corruption.

Most evenings in Thailand are spent watching Muay Thai, which is the Thai name for a sport in which half-naked teenagers fight each other. In English, the sport is called Weird Asian Gay Foreplay.

Pictured Above: Weird way to determine who would be on Top

Although Thailand is a constitutional monarchy, it's people invent new and improved ways to throw out their government. When not having sex or servicing tourists looking for sex, people in Thailand like to spend their leisure time rewriting their constitution.

Pictured above: The Bill & Hillary Clinton of Thailand

In fact, as soon as a government is sworn in, the process of replacing it with another government begins. That is why there are more ex-prime ministers in Thailand's parliament than actual legislators.

Pictured above: A meeting of all of Thailand's former Prime Ministers

Thailand is also famous for making bootleg porn movies a.k.a. secretly hiding a movie camera in your hotel room and capturing you on film doing things that your favorite religious leader would frown upon.

So, as they say in Thailand, You cumming???

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Ten Things that will not "change" India

10. Watching Suhel Seth getting angrier and angrier on national television. Is it just me or does anybody else think that this guy is gonna burst a vein or something one of these days? Can we please force him to take his heart medication every morning? Or get him laid? Any of the above, please?

9. Blaming wealthy people for being wealthy. I mean most of the wealthy are wealthy because of their talent and hard work. Agreed some of them are earn top rupee because of their name. But even then you need to have some kind of ingenuity. And oppressive, wealthy people are so 1980's bollywood movies. Unless the oppressive, wealthy people you talk about are politicians. That theory still holds a lot of water, unlike Arjun Singh's kidneys. Okay. I'll stop saying wealthy right about now.

8. Singing "Hum hongay kamyab". I mean, c'mon people. WTF is wrong with you? This is national security we're talking about here. Not a bloody walk-a-thon. There are lives at stake. Geez.

7. Taking advice from Simi "carpet bombing" Garewal. No offense lady, but can you please get back to making that white-themed show that no one watches? Thx. Bai.

p.s. Stop watching bootleg episodes of the Bill O' Reilly show. He's turning you into Ann Coulter, who by the way, just had her jaw wired shut. What an idea, sirjee.

6. Submitting charters to politicians who can't even read.
Or worse, submitting a petition to the President. Cause the President is so powerful, innit?

5. Completely implausible and un-implementable out-of-the-box solutions. I've heard gems like make Ratan Tata the PM or not pay taxes at all or have a national draft\martial law. They won't work because (a) Ratan Tata is not going to touch that with a eighteen inch pole, (b) We don't live in Zimbabwe and (c) Let's not turn into Nazi Germany just yet.

4. Voting for the next Indian Idol. Hmmmm. I wonder what would happen if there was a way for the millions and millions of people who vote for mind numbingly boring reality shows had a way to participate in the electoral process. Makes you wonder, dunnit?

3. Sending bouquets of flowers with get-well-soon written on them to Zardari. Not done yet, but I'm sure someone out there has already thought of it. That's possibly the worst idea e-v-e-r. What? Doesn't putting hyphens in between the characters of different words get your point across faster? N-o-p-e? Dammit.

2. Jingoistic Nationalism. We need to stop shouting that we are the best place in the world while millions of children sleep with an empty stomach in our country. Now, since we can't get Angelina Jolie to adopt all of them, we need to actually stop with the delusional nationalism and do something about it. Jingoism not only make us insular to our problems *coughbushadministratoncough*, it makes it easy for the politicians to look away. Not to mention that it's a major pain in the ass. And now can we stop thinking about going to the moon, at least for a while? Look, Pink Floyd is really fun when you're high and all, but reality is a fucking buzz kill. If you still need convincing, then go watch Slumdog Millionaire. Or read The White Tiger. I really need to stop plugging stuff. The worst thing is that these cheap fucks don't even pay me.

1. Not voicing your opinion - For the first time in sixty one years, the spurned masses of this country (the multiple cellphone owning, shopping mall going, airplane ticket buying, plasma tv using, cappuccino drinking, yuppie) i.e. the erstwhile silent majority had a simultaneous realization. Somehow they remembered that "Oh, yeah, wait. It seems that we can question these chipmunks running the country and we can think about national issues even though most of the time we have an attention span of a jellyfish when national issues are involved. Holy crap. Also, where in God's name did I keep my car keys?". So don't stop talking. Cause if you do, not only you don't utilize your right of freedom of speech, blowhards like me have to have to go back to making jokes about the awesome dumbfuckness of Sarah Palin.

Okay. We'll still do that. But you know what I mean, right?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

What year is it ... again?

It seems that it was quite naive of me to think that things have changed. That it's 2008.

Did I just wake up in 1991?


But can you blame me for thinking that?

India is facing a big terrorist threat, and has a non-Gandhi Congress Prime Minister, Russia is acting like the bad guy from the original Die Hard, the ISI is aiding terrorists in killing civilians, there is a Bush in the whitehouse, a popular, charismatic Democratic President is about to take office, America is fighting a war in Iraq, the people of Afganistan are hell bent on killing each other and Guns 'N Roses have just released a new album.

It's like deja vu all over again.

I would have mentioned the British but no one really cares about them ever since they stopped making new episodes of Fawlty Towers.

Anyways, my point is that history is not something they made up for broadcasting on the discovery channel. History is something we can learn from, so that we don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

Like you go from relationship to relationship to realize that commitment is something that a couple of lesbians made up. Or that you never drink five glasses of long island ice tea on an empty stomach. As the man once said, mistakes you can learn from.

It's time our world leaders need to learn from the mistakes of the past. Stop repeating the same dumbass policies that led us to the current Snafu.

Like, the new President-Elect of the United States should stop acting all condescending towards the rest of the world. I mean, dude, we like you and all, but we're not Hillary Clinton. You can't tell us what to do anymore. Stop pretending that America is a superpower and all. I mean, c'mon dawg, you were photographed reading The Post-American World unlike your predecessor who was photographed reading The Adventures of the Famous Five. So, stop telling everybody how to run their country and please spend the next eight years trying to undo the mess that retard has left you. We know our shit. Also, while you are at it, please tell the American news media that they need to stop pretending that anybody really cares what they think about world affairs. I mean they aren't really fooling anybody outside North America. Not even the Eskimos in Iceland. And those freaks live in houses made of snow.

As for the Indian government, you need to wake up and smell the burning ammunition. Our international borders are much like a neighborhood in Kabul. The neighbors may pretend to like you and all, but what they really want to do is burn your house down and turn it into a goat-rearing farm. So stop wishing that everybody would just get along and start taking tough measures. Clearly we can do security. I mean have you ever tried to drive into the PM's house just for fun? Er... Scratch that. Have you ever tried to walk into 10 Janpath just to wave and say "Toodles, Mrs G"? They'll have you handcuffed , booked on charges of attempt to murder and jailed for 14 years before you can gesticulate and shout "Mamma Mia!!". So get cracking. See, the economy is bad these days and people don't have much to do except watch cricket matches and audition for reality shows. Since none of either is happening, you really want us to start questioning your every move? Look, do the right thing for once in your life and let the country go back to concentrating on the important stuff. Like Bollywood feuds and not talking about sex.

Now, for our favorite frienemy, Pakistan. Seriously, it's been sixty one years. get over it already. We've moved on. You move on too. Stop acting like a jilted ex-wife and start acting like an adult nation state. Although we got custody of the kids (Kashmir) you still managed to take one of them. So stop turning him into a medieval psychopath and brush up on your parent skills. I know that another reason for you to get angry is because your President drooled over Sarah Palin just like like Karan Johar drools over John Abhraham's butt. But that's not our fault. Blame the Republicans. They are responsible for much that is wrong with the world anyway. We're happy to let your young ones daydream about Aishwariya Rai. I mean, clearly, you have no national icons you can lust after. I mean it's hard to fancy a burqa, isn't it? And in today's world, you may never know who really is behind it. A beautiful nubile young woman who is as delicate as a white rose or a bearded freak intent on blowing up innocent people. It's a catch-22 situation for you, really.

As for Russia, you need to stop acting like a land craving despot. The last guy who decided to start a world war for a few miles of land. was compensating for having one ball. What are you compensating for? A small ...., uh-huh, never mind.

I would have said more but there are two men outside my window, wearing an earpiece and a black suit, smelling of vodka. I think I need to run. And what I really wanted to do was diss that new Guns 'N roses album.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

That'll be one billion prozac tablets, please

Whoa!! Everybody's angry these days.

The people are angry at the politicians for being lackadaisical for the past sixty one years.

The politicians are angry at the media for finally having the balls to take on them and question their sense of self-entitlement.

The media is angry at the people for forcing them to finally do their job.

Shivraj Patil is angry because not only has he lost the only job he ever held, but more importantly his fashion sense has come under the scanner.

RR Patil is angry because for the first time ever, people actually paid attention to what he said.

Manmohan Singh is angry because now he has to do something else besides writing strongly worded letters to his ministers.

Chidambram is angry because now people expect him to do more than say "the percentile growth of each sector of the economy is more than the percentile growth seen in previous years" every other second.

LK Advani is angry because when he said that his party would adopt a bipartisan approach he implied that the BJP would act like two different political parties and he never implied that he would stop running down the government. Gee, who do you think he is? Buddha??

The President of India is angry because she hasn't heard from God in a while. None of her calls or emails have been returned.

Deve Gowda is angry because he can't sleep because of all this incessant noise.

Vilasrao Deshmukh is very, very angry, although his body language says he has upped his dose on the anti-depressants he "borrows" from his son Ritesh's medicine cabinet.

The Pakistani Government is angry because now the rest of the world will find out that the Pakistani Army lets the politicians play "government" on Sundays and other national holidays while the rest of the time they play the Yes, Prime Minister do-it-at-home board game.

Global netizens are so angry about terror engulfing the world that they have started two groups on facebook. That's right. You heard me. TWO groups. If that doesn't make those deranged trigger-happy jerkoffs wet their pants, I don't know what will.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Memo to Jayanti Natrajan

Over the past few days as I watched the media go into overdrive and make a mash of the post blast coverage, there is one particular incident which sums up a lot of things.

Shobha De, questioned the government and questioned Sonia Gandhi on one of NDTV's programs. Jayanti Natrajan was supposed to speak on behalf of the Congress.

Now, Ms. Natrajan's response, besides toeing the party line and having nothing to add to the discussion, also reveled the political class's attitude towards the country.

She said that "How can Shobha De question Sonia Gandhi?".

You know, while this statement although is of a single sentence, the tone it was said in reveals a lot about the speaker.

What Ms. Natrajan meant to say was "Oh, you're Shobha De. You write books which have awkward sex scenes and you drink alcohol. How can you question Sonia Gandhi, the personification of God Almighty, himself?"

This just in: We don't live in Iran and Ms. Gandhi is not the Ayotullah. She goes around every election time asking for our votes. Her party is "running" rather ruining our country's government. Shobha De is a tax paying citizen of this country. I may not agree with everything or anything she says, but she has every right to say it. Because we live in a democracy. Free speech is guaranteed by our constitution. Not only Shobha De can question Mrs G, her driver can question Mrs. G, the guy who cleans the toilets in the Taj can question Mrs G, Bhappi fucking Lahri can question Mrs. G. We, the people of this country can question anyone who runs for political office. Because you are answerable to us. Mrs G is answerable to us. Little G, Rahul is answerable to us. If we don't like the way things are run, we will question you. Just because we haven't done that for the past sixty one years, doesn't mean that you take us for granted.

We pay for Mrs. G security cover. She has been rightly granted Z security that because there was a death threat against her. Now, Ms Natrajan, every Indian has a death threat against them. We all need to feel secure. We can't make 500 black commandos following each and every citizen, but we need to know that one day when we step out to eat sushi, it shouldn't mean that we don't ever come back.

Another thing Ms Natrajan said was "Why doesn't Shobha De run for the Chief Minister"?

That's like pointing towards the sky. saying "Look there goes a bird" and running away.

This is not just about her attitude towards Shobha De. This sums up her attitude towards anybody who questions the government: How dare you?

Okay, I'll apply the same logic to you. Why don't you spend one day in our shoes? Why don't you and your ilk go around town without those 1900 gunmen?

I thought so. You wouldn't even last a minute.

So please go back to the fan club you call a national party.