First Draft of Senator Obama's acceptance speech

Yesterday, history was made when Barack Obama was nominated for President of the United States. We all heard and were wowed by his speech. But thanks to our "sources", we got our hands on the first draft. So here it is, warts and all.

--------------

My fellow democrats, my fellow Americans, My Bitches,

Thank you for nominating me to become king of the world woo-hoo the office of the President of the United States.

Firstly, I would like to thank the people I owe this victory to. Firstly, Senator Hillary Clinton, for screwing up her campaign, for the historic campaign she ran, President Bill Clinton for not blowing up while giving his speech his rousing speech, my wife, Michelle Obama, for not sounding crazy like the other guy's wife, for her support, and the millions and millions of Americans who drank the kool aid who supported this campaign.

My opponent, Senator Crazy McFart Senator John McCain, is a 71 year old retard an honorable man, a war hero if you don't believe me ask him, that's all he can talk about. He talks about being a maverick, but he drank the blood of iraqi prisoners in Cheney's lair voted with President Bush 95% of the time. Which does not represent change, but represents the same old dumbass stubbornness divisive politics.

My opponent is a homophobic bigot does not support same-sex relationships, my opponent loves waterboarding too does not support an end to torture, my opponent is a gun toting hee-haw does not support gun control, my opponent calls women with unwanted pregnancies knocked-up ho's wants to repeal Roe v Wade.

My opponent is out of touch with the youth of America thinks ABBA is still cool, out of touch with middle-class America has so many houses that he does not even remember the exact number, is out of touch with the women of America refers to his wife as a c*nt, and is out of touch with reality wanted to choose Paula Abdul as his running mate.

We need a President who can build American reputation in the world by not attacking every country with oil, increase our energy independence by not kissing the Saudi's ass, and going after Al-Qeada in Afganisthan by going after Al Qeada in Pakistan.

The last eight years have been really bad America has been fucked more than a whore on Times Square, for us. We need to rebuild our nation and rebuild the American Dream by bringing the sitcom FRIENDS to a movie theater near you.

People question my faith because of my former batshit crazy pastor, my patriotism because of a stupid flag pin, my sexuality My wife is a woman, in fact she's all woman. Gimme some of that honey. Mmm.

People don't realize that this campaign is not about me, it's about Oprah you, the Armenian American People.

America, we cannot turn back We don't have a reverse gear. Not with so much work to be done We really need to repair Britney And LL. America, we cannot turn back. We cannot walk alone specially in an African-American neighborhood. At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the future like they did in that Star Wars movie. Let us keep that promise, that American promise to get you so drunk that you wake up next to someone you don't even know.