New Rules: Election edition

The Indian media has got to stop comparing each event in our country to some other event in America. We've already had three Indian 9/11's, five Indian version of the Oscars and every reporter is on a mission to find India's Barack Obama. Listen up. If Barack Obama was born in India, he would do what any other patriotic Indian would.  Be on the top of his class in school,  get admission in an IIT, apply for an H1B visa, and then get a job as a server engineer with IBM America for half for what they would pay an American citizen. Then once the visa duration is over, come back home and write a really bad best-selling book about the whole experience.

The Italian Prime Minister needs to get his head surgically removed from his ass. Recently, he told the devastated earthquake survivors whose homes were destroyed causing them to live in tents, to pretend that they were on a "camping trip". He also told them to think of the earthquake as "mild land turbulence" and to dismiss the large rash on their ass which they got from doing their "business" in the woods, as "insect hickeys".

The guy who filed an FIR about Akshay and Twinkle Kumar at the LIFW needs to get laid. Dude, you were at the fashion week. They show more tits there than at Vijay Mallaya's parties. Feigning offense there is like being surprised that the Slim Sauna belt didn't give you a six pack.  In fact, I think a case should be a case filed against you for your obscene show of insanity. Don't the police have much better things to do? Like arresting criminals? Or preventing young people from having sex with each other?

Indian Politicians need to stop trying to trash talk each other. Not only is it boring, it's also a trifle bit embarrassing. Even five year olds can diss each other in a more entertaining fashion.  If they really want to piss each other off, and get high TRP's, I suggest they learn the tricks of the trade by watching back to back episodes of Yo Mamma.

People in India need to stop throwing shoes at our politicians. No, not because I think it's disrespectful. No, no, no. Not at all. It's because I think that it's a waste of a perfectly good shoe.

Network 18 has got to stop showing Arun Jaitley and Kapil Sibbal debating each other. If I wanted to see two lawyers talk about politics, I would watch old episodes of Boston Legal. At least the show has a happy ending. 

Sharad Pawar has got to pick a front he can side with. One day he's with the Third Front. The next day he's back with the UPA. Who does he think he is? Ajit Singh?

Jayanti Natrajan has got to lend me her cloning machine. Not only is she on every channel, every night, at the same time, she's even wearing a different ensemble. I think she's one appearance away from replacing Glenn Close in the third season of Damages.  At the very least , she should at least get her very own X-Men franchise.

Can we talk about something else now?

Hey, American Media, listen up,

I thought this election would never end.

I mean who fucking takes two years to elect a President for to serve a term of four years? Why can't you guys do anything like normal people? It takes the rest of the world about three or four months to prepare for and conduct an election. Really, sometimes I wonder if you were dropped on your head when you were born.

Can you guys talk about something else now? I wouldn't have normally insisted but you know that when you talk about something, other countries have to talk about it too?

See, you're like the cool kids in high school who all sit together during lunch and talk about all the cool stuff and the rest of the world is the geeks, nerds and dorks who wouldn't know cool if it bit them on their retainers. So they overhear the fringes of your conversation and whisper it to each other. Or they continuously check your facebook profile to find out what's happening.

Talking about what you talk about prevents us from actually thinking about issues in our own countries. Also, it helps our politicians when they can blame every other fuck-up on your country.

This has got to stop.

See, we're getting desperate for new things to talk about.

We'll take anything. You can even talk about Lindsay Lohan's gay lover. Or maybe that's not such a good idea because that makes Russia all horny and it really freaks the crap out of Iran.

We can talk about sports. No, wait, you guys play baseball the rest of the world plays football (or soccer, as you call it). Except Japan. They can't play much of anything because any open space in Japan is either converted into a skyscraper or a Sony play station factory.

Let's try something else. We can talk about books. Yes. Books. Oh, but wait. We really didn't read books written by Pamela Anderson. And some people in Europe go batshit crazy when you keep talking about The Da Vinci Code.

Don't worry. We can talk about business and the financial markets. Or not. Uh-oh, that is a little touchy because you screwed that up for the rest of the world. And to prove that we aren't angry with you, we will tell you the same thing women say when they want to get all passive aggressive on your ass because you can't guess what stupid thing you did this time for which you'll have to make up for by buying some flowers or candy. Or both. Everything's fine and there is nothing to talk about. Look, everybody is not like Canada. We can't let you walk over us like that you do to that poor slut.

Err....Ummm.... Have you seen the new Shilpa Shetty DVD? .. Dammit!! Wrong country.

Right. Okay. Fuck it. I give up.

So tell me, do you think Hillary Clinton will run again in eight years?