The lowdown on Diwali gifts

My Dad assigned me the unenviable task of deciding on Diwali gifts to be give to all our family & business associates. So after a through market research, (which was basically me sitting with a bottle of my favorite beverage and coming up with random crap) I thought it should be shared with the world, since I worked so hard for it. Needless to say, I could not come up with anything and waited till the last minute to tell my Dad to give all that money away to the poor. And by poor, I mean my resource hungry vodka fund. Same thing, right? So anyways, here is my first annual diwali market research:

(1) A box of dry fruits - If you get this gift from someone, then consider yourself at the bottom of their food chain because this is the most common diwali gift. Not only does this box signify that the giver does not like you. it means that if there is ever an alien invasion in your city and your acquaintance has to choose between your life and the life of his pet cat who might die in the next few months anyway, he would choose the cat. Life sucks. Move on.

(2) A box of "imported" chocolates - This signifies that the sender wants to prove to you that even though a recession is just around the corner, he is really doing good at his job., he really does not give a crap. By giving you a box of chocolates , the giver says to you "I hope you choke on these chocolates which the people of Dubai refused to eat and die. But before you breathe your last, please remember that I make more money than you. Cheers. And happy Diwali."

(3) Crockery - This is usually given to people who give you the box of imported chocolates. This might include things like gold plated spoons or pudding sets or both. Giving gifts at diwali is like a game of poker anyway. This gift sends the message "I see your imported choclates and raise you a fourteen piece gold plated pudding set. Suck on that, Chewbecca."

(4) Gold / Silver glasses - Nothing says I heart you during diwali then gold or silver glasses. This is given to all the important business associates and people you actually would choose over your dying cat. However, most people don't have any use for such gifts because not everybody wants to live on the sets of Umraoo Jaan. In fact, the only use of such gifts is to pass it on to other suckers like yourself.

(5) Alcohol - Usually given to people you know in the government who help you with all your illegal stuff. It consists of some foreign made whiskey because people who have answered the call to serve the country do not have a taste for Indian made liquor no matter how many hot models Vijay Mallaya hires to pose for his calendar.

(6) A large box of Juice - This is now a very popular gift item. That is because people really want to eat "healthy" nowadays. And by eating healthy I mean they want to ape the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful. This gift comes with a message which says "I really think you need to lose some weight you fat piece of turd. So here, have some liquid which looks like pee and tastes like crap flavored with sugar and will end up increasing your heart rate. Happy Diwali you Obese Son of a Bitch."

(7) A box of Indian Chocolates - Usually given to employees by companies doing well. This signifies tells the employee that "the company respects you and your hard work by spending the bulk of the diwali gift money budget to buy expensive champagne for upper management. So please take this box of Perk chocolates and go home to the family you rarely get to see because of us. Oh, and we might fire you soon. Happy Diwali, biatch." Of course, since most employees are Indian, they'll bitch about anything you give them so why try, really.

(8) A box of Biscuits - This gift is given to people whose house you frequent because of some social obligation or the other. This gives a message "Stop serving that home-made crap everytime I am forced to drink that vomit your wife makes and serves in a cup. At least have something decent around so that I can not sit there with that expression of disgust on my face. Happy Diwali, you crazy piece of sh*t."