Ten Things that will not "change" India

10. Watching Suhel Seth getting angrier and angrier on national television. Is it just me or does anybody else think that this guy is gonna burst a vein or something one of these days? Can we please force him to take his heart medication every morning? Or get him laid? Any of the above, please?

9. Blaming wealthy people for being wealthy. I mean most of the wealthy are wealthy because of their talent and hard work. Agreed some of them are earn top rupee because of their name. But even then you need to have some kind of ingenuity. And oppressive, wealthy people are so 1980's bollywood movies. Unless the oppressive, wealthy people you talk about are politicians. That theory still holds a lot of water, unlike Arjun Singh's kidneys. Okay. I'll stop saying wealthy right about now.

8. Singing "Hum hongay kamyab". I mean, c'mon people. WTF is wrong with you? This is national security we're talking about here. Not a bloody walk-a-thon. There are lives at stake. Geez.

7. Taking advice from Simi "carpet bombing" Garewal. No offense lady, but can you please get back to making that white-themed show that no one watches? Thx. Bai.

p.s. Stop watching bootleg episodes of the Bill O' Reilly show. He's turning you into Ann Coulter, who by the way, just had her jaw wired shut. What an idea, sirjee.

6. Submitting charters to politicians who can't even read. Or worse, submitting a petition to the President. Cause the President is so powerful, innit?

5. Completely implausible and un-implementable out-of-the-box solutions. I've heard gems like make Ratan Tata the PM or not pay taxes at all or have a national draft\martial law. They won't work because (a) Ratan Tata is not going to touch that with a eighteen inch pole, (b) We don't live in Zimbabwe and (c) Let's not turn into Nazi Germany just yet.

4. Voting for the next Indian Idol. Hmmmm. I wonder what would happen if there was a way for the millions and millions of people who vote for mind numbingly boring reality shows had a way to participate in the electoral process. Makes you wonder, dunnit?

3. Sending bouquets of flowers with get-well-soon written on them to Zardari. Not done yet, but I'm sure someone out there has already thought of it. That's possibly the worst idea e-v-e-r. What? Doesn't putting hyphens in between the characters of different words get your point across faster? N-o-p-e? Dammit.

2. Jingoistic Nationalism. We need to stop shouting that we are the best place in the world while millions of children sleep with an empty stomach in our country. Now, since we can't get Angelina Jolie to adopt all of them, we need to actually stop with the delusional nationalism and do something about it. Jingoism not only make us insular to our problems *coughbushadministratoncough*, it makes it easy for the politicians to look away. Not to mention that it's a major pain in the ass. And now can we stop thinking about going to the moon, at least for a while? Look, Pink Floyd is really fun when you're high and all, but reality is a fucking buzz kill. If you still need convincing, then go watch Slumdog Millionaire. Or read The White Tiger. I really need to stop plugging stuff. The worst thing is that these cheap fucks don't even pay me.


1. Not voicing your opinion - For the first time in sixty one years, the spurned masses of this country (the multiple cellphone owning, shopping mall going, airplane ticket buying, plasma tv using, cappuccino drinking, yuppie) i.e. the erstwhile silent majority had a simultaneous realization. Somehow they remembered that "Oh, yeah, wait. It seems that we can question these chipmunks running the country and we can think about national issues even though most of the time we have an attention span of a jellyfish when national issues are involved. Holy crap. Also, where in God's name did I keep my car keys?". So don't stop talking. Cause if you do, not only you don't utilize your right of freedom of speech, blowhards like me have to have to go back to making jokes about the awesome dumbfuckness of Sarah Palin.

Okay. We'll still do that. But you know what I mean, right?