And that's how you secure the Indian-American vote for 2012

On Tuesday, the students of Wakefield High School in Arlington Virginia were welcomed back to school by President-Comrade Obama so that he could indoctrinate them and turn them into socialist zombies. One of the little Zombies had a very interesting question for Dear Leader. A question whose impact can be felt from across the Atlantic Ocean.

STUDENT: Hi. I'm Lilly. And if you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? (Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: Dinner with anyone dead or alive? Well, you know, dead or alive, that's a pretty big list. (Laughter.) You know, I think that it might be Gandhi, who is a real hero of mine. Now, it would probably be a really small meal because -- (laughter) -- he didn't eat a lot. But he's somebody who I find a lot of inspiration in. He inspired Dr. King, so if it hadn't been for the non-violent movement in India, you might not have seen the same non-violent movement for civil rights here in the United States. He inspired César Chávez, and he -- and what was interesting was that he ended up doing so much and changing the world just by the power of his ethics, by his ability to change how people saw each other and saw themselves -- and help people who thought they had no power realize that they had power, and then help people who had a lot of power realize that if all they're doing is oppressing people, then that's not a really good exercise of power.
So I'm always interested in people who are able to bring about change, not through violence, not through money, but through the force of their personality and their ethical and moral stances. And that's somebody that I'd love to sit down and talk to.

[via The Chicago Sun-Times Blog]

Dear Times Now, why haven't you procured a you tube video of the event and  broadcasted it every five minutes branding it as an "exclusive"? C'mon Headlines Today, isn't this representative of the fact that India-US relations have FINALLY been de-hyphenated from the country who shall not be named? And TOI, isn't this more irrefutable proof that the Obama administration is full of people who heart India? Isn't this another feather in our collective caps? Isn't it another example of how India has finally made it on the world stage and that we are a superpower now? Why aren't you guys covering the "real" issues here? Do your job and tell us what we need to think. Hold our hands and guide us through the treacherous clusterfuck called real life. Thank you, good people. Thank you.

No trains were harmed while writing this post . . .

. . . because that would be like destroying my own money. And I'd rather spend it on stocking up on alcohol to use on "dry" days. But that's another story.

[Image Via IEXP]

Some officer concerned with the profitability of the Railways asked a few trains not to stop everytime someone gets up to take a leak. This didn't go well with some people, and they did the obvious, normal, rational thing. They burnt down the f'king train. Because that's what you do in this country when you want to bully the government. Get together a few dozen people who like to destroy stuff to compensate for being emasculated by their wives , have some masala chai and then burn down something which the government paid for with taxpayer money. Some people might have a legitimate concern but going from Level 1 to Level lets-burn-the-fucker-down is just plain stupid. Or incredibly brilliant. Depends on whether you're reading Ayn Rand or Paulo Cohelo. 

I know laws don't matter a lot in Bihar but let's make a new one. Anyone who burns trains or destroys public property actually does not get their demands met. This is the easiest way for anyone to force the government to do anything. Oh, I'm sorry, We already have such a law. It's the government's responsibility to protect our national property. It's our taxes we which pay for this. Letting these people go scot free encourages everyone else to do that too. In fact, that's what LAWS are for. If we really had a government which put country before petty regional politics, they would have said NO. People can be heard out and if their concerns are legitimate, they can be addressed. But not this way. Alas, since our government thinks that the taxpayer's money is their dowry stash, they magnanimously "forgive" these people. And then they lean back in their taxpayer funded chair while staying in their taxpayer funded house while being cooled by their taxpayer funded air conditioner. Then they go on television and dismiss the concerns of the taxpaying public as "elitist" opinions.

Gee, what does one have to do to knock some sense into these people?

Burn a train or something?

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India is about to get it's first woman speaker. The soft-spoken and former daughter of deputy PM Jagjivan Ram. [Note: The post of deputy PM is not of much consequence. It does not come with any real powers and is basically used to assuage huge egos. It's just like the head of the UN.]

I'd like to know whose brilliant idea this was? Has anyone heard Meira Kumar speak? One has to put the volume on max just to see her lips move. This time if any members of the lok sabha are gathered at the well of the house, they won't be protesting, they would be trying to HEAR the speaker. Her appointment is going to be like a stimulus package for the hearing aid industry.

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Now that a new era of governance is upon us, India re-learns the fact that the Pakistani establishment is not serious about combating terror.

Really? What tipped you off, genius? Is it the fact that they still consider the Taliban which is TAKING OVER their country a strategic asset? Or the fact that the United States had to literally bribe the Pakistani Army to take on insurgents in their OWN country and protect the very people they are supposed to serve?

No, seriously. I'm curious to know what would make you believe that the Pakistani establishment would put an end to it's only export.

______________________

Two people returning from a vacation from the US bought along with them shares of general motors, an unlicensed gun, umpteen boxes of Ferrero rocher to gift to their relatives at every occasion and the dreaded pig virus which might or might not kill us all. Sounds like a really fun trip.

______________________

Laloo continues to be rejected by the people of Bihar, the people in Tripura are sick of the left, and Karunanidhi is to celebrate his birthday along with all his hundred wives and five thousand children. I wonder how Karunanidhi's family ever organises a surprise party? Do they all get together in a large stadium or an empty planet or something?

Oh, and someone please send him a telegram!

Violent protests in India over something that happened in some other country

Today, riots erupted all over the country because something really awful happened in some country which most Indians, including this reporter, cannot even place on the map.

The details of the horrible events are very sketchy as of now, and more details are expected soon. No one really knows what actually happened, but everyone feels so strongly about it that they felt like burning or breaking something which does not belong to them.

Meanwhile, protestors all over the country have been destroying public property since the break of dawn. Till about mid-afternoon, 300 train compartments, 500 buses and a 1000 cars had been turned into scrap metal.

We asked a protestor in Delhi who was setting fire to a spanking new Volvo bus, the reason of his protest. He told us that he was dismayed by the lack of public transport.

Other protestors had their own reasons. A man was spotted breaking the windows of a luxury superstore. When we asked him why he was doing that, he said that his wife has been pestering him to get a new sofa for their living room and due to the recession he cannot afford any, this was the best way to get a new one. He then also stole our cameraman's equipment to help his son with his photography course.

A frequent protestor stopped us and gave the following statement, "I'm one of those people who will protest anything. Whether something even happened or not. Hell, we'll protest about stuff that takes place on television. The point is that we like to compensate for our lack of sexual expression by breaking stuff. It's just how we roll. When everyone is guilty, no one really gets caught".  If we hadn't recorded and published his statement, he threatened to "protest" outside our publication's office along with his merry band of protestors.

When asked to take stock of the situation, a newly appointed cabinet minister, who declined to be named, asked us to have some patience. "It's just a small protest involving thousands of people. They'll burn a few things down, destroy taxpayer property even though most of these protestors haven't ever paid any tax, hit people who had nothing to with the events that unfolded in some other country, and eventually will head home when they are tired. There's nothing much we can do".  He abruptly ended the interview when the reporter bent down to tie his shoe.

However, former home minister and future Provogue brand ambassador, Shivraj Patil, was visibly shaken and very upset. "This is a terrible tragedy and the government will investigate the matter and punish the perpetrators", he said, more of a reflex action than a meaningful statement. His tense mood could be gauged by the fact that he had changed his clothes more than five times since he first heard of the riots. He solemnly added that "This time, the pee on my clothes did not belong to my grandson".

The news channels were abuzz with activity since the morning. India TV showed images of the violence along with performances by stand-up comedians and predicted that this is the beginning of the end of the world, TimesNow somehow connected the event to Pakistan and blamed Arunadhiti Roy for being a frequent cause of such riots, everyone at NDTV was so outraged that all they showed were commercial breaks and the various anchors at CNN-IBN were so damn loud that one could hear them even after muting the volume.

State-run television, Doordarshan, was showing an old documentary about Mahatma Gandhi, which highlighted how his methods of non-violent protests were adopted by successful movements all over the world.

Apologies to the Indian Voter

Dear Indian Voter,

I owe you a sincere apology. Till about Friday evening, I always used to think of you as a dick. Sometimes, I even wondered whether you were retarded. Or assumed that like most of the people I know, you were on crack too.

But, fortunately for you, for the first time in my life, I take my words back. (Discounting the time when I was five and my Dad made me take back what I said to a particular nosy relative even though I didn't mean too. Since I don't want to go into details, let's just say that she had never been called a word that rhymes with punt).

Knowing your penchant for pretending that human beings do not have reproductive organs, and children are born because you starve yourself to death every Monday, I safely assume that you would be outraged at being called a dick. After all, it's just like the love that dare not speak it's name.

However, can you blame me for referring to you with such an epithet? You are the same people who, just five years ago, gave the party of Prakash "I'm going to wear the same white shirt for five years no matter how much it fades" Karat SIXTY seats. And the same people who almost gave everyone a heart attack by making us think that the words "Prime Minister Mayawati" might ever be a distinct possibility. You even voted for Sukh Ram. Sukh Ram. The guy whose cleaning lady is a billionaire because she used to find unattended currency notes lying around in his house. In fact, if Sukh Ram would have been British, he would have been the Speaker of the House of Commons. But we're Indian. We should have a higher standard than a country which would let a future King marry a horse.

However, kudos to you, for voting out the "kingmakers", the "wheeler-dealers", and other kinds of pimps whose desire to "serve" you was as fake as Pakistan's intentions to take on the Taliban.

You proves that al the talking heads on TV, who call themselves Pundits are as clueless as, well, real Pandits! You even showed the middle finger to smug elitist little assholes (who are not me) masquerading as journalists. For that, yes, I do owe you an apology.

However, let's not lose sight here. We might have voted for the lesser evil, but remember it is the lesser evil. While it may not be Darth Vader, it's just as bad as Dr. No.

These are the same people who thought that giving serial dresser, Shivraj "Look at my coat, bitches" Patil the HOME ministry and giving him the responsibility to lead our national security team was a good idea. These are the same people who continue to let someone who can't even stand, shoulder the responsibility of our education. I don't know about you, but I think that it's not a good idea for someone born in the late 15 Century be our minister for Human Resource and Development. These are the same people who let part time sociopath and full time deranged individual be the administrator of public health. These are the same people who quoted the Bible, yes, the same book which Donald Rumsfield used to justify killing Iraqis, as proof against homosexuality, in a court of law. The same book which says that the earth is flat and that animal cruelty is okay because God gave animals no soul.

So let's not lose sight of what's important here. Despite what the sensex will tell you, we do have tough times ahead. We need a government which actually pushes through some much needed reforms. The new government has to choose. It can either be like the movie Juno, and be an underrated sleeper hit or it can turn out like Speed 2, which although had so much potential, was a bigger disaster than the movie depicted.

However, until then, let's just gloat about the fact that the Indian voter put an economist into the most powerful office in the country. Even if he doesn't wield that much power. 

What? Do you think a "game-changing" election means newer jokes?

Now that's funny!

Air-France treats Indians like Indians treat other Indians: with contempt

According to various reports, India passengers on Sunday's Air France Boston-Paris-Mumbai flight, AF 218, were living history as they were treated by the French the same way their ancestors were treated by the British.

As the Indian Express reports:

The passengers say the real ordeal started after the aircraft with 168 passengers and 12 cabin crew, landed in Paris. According to Sen Gupta, all passengers were taken to the airport’s E terminal and those with European, American or Canadian passports put on a bus and taken to nearby hotels but those without transit visas were made to wait inside the terminal by Air France staff who said they were trying to arrange transit visas through the local police. Half past midnight, they were told the police had refused the transit visas.

After being refused transit visas they were not able to even use the airport lounge. “There was another security check that did not allow us to carry water bottles,” said Vinita. Kachru said they had to raise a hue and cry for water.

Apparently, an Indian carrying bottled water is a security threat. That's because a lot of Indians look like those scary brown terrorisors they show on TV. Also, no one really understood Slumdog Millionaire in France. They kept wondering what was the big deal about jumping into a pile of human crap anyway?

That's what they usually do there on Wednesdays.

What? I'm sure they have a good reason for that. It must be detoxifying technique or something.

Also, to be fair, it's France. Even harmless little poodles are classified as a threat to national security.

Moving on, according to the ToI:

They were confined to a lounge with too few seats, so many sat on the floor. There was one loo for 55 people. "We were only given a sandwich and a bottle of water each," said passenger Kalashree Sengupta. The passengers alleged that when some of them protested the long delay, an airline official threatened to hand them over to the police.

So the passengers were meted out the same treatment usually reserved for overcrowded weddings and BPO fresher interview sessions. 

Responding to the complaints, Air France said that "Fuck it, we're French. If we cared for what other people thought, we would have started using deodorant sixty years ago. And when you have a first lady as hot as ours, you can fucking do anything you like".

Okay. That's not exactly what they said. But I'm sure that's what they meant.

Uh-oh.

Pardon my French?

Mumbai voters drive everyone crazy

Ever since the third phase of polling ended, the Indian media has given the whole country a migraine wondering why the people of Mumbai HATE democracy. They have been meditating on their favourite tarot card while wondering why the people of Mumbai didn't vote for the status quo. And to cure their insomnia, instead of counting sheep, they've been interviewing imaginary people who did not vote to get to the bottom of this eternal quandary.

Now, some people have been able to get over the shock and come up with their own theories on how to prevent such an occurrence from happening again.

One of the brilliant ideas (brilliant for ideas pulled out of people's asses) is to make voting compulsory.

I think it's an idea whose time has come. Not because it's the best way to get voters out -- we'd much rather they came out on their own -- but because Indian democracy will be seriously damaged if turnouts continue to fall at this rate.

Silly me! I thought the basic pillar of democracy was that one does not make decisions for other people! In a participatory democracy, isn't participation voluntary? Just like consensual, pre-marital sex ? Free will. Isn't that one of the principles of democracy? But what do I know, I never paid attention during civics class.

This reminds me of another country which has compulsory voting.

That's right. The "Democratic" Republic of Korea. Where, in a reality show, if you get eliminated, you are actually killed and your remains stuffed into individual Peking rolls and sold to unsuspecting tourists as a 'delicacy'. Stellar company, people. Stellar company.

We're already half-way there anyway. We did have our own version of a Dear Leader at one time.

Isn't it great that we nipped nepotism and dynastic politics in the bud? Two cheers for Indian democracy, baby!

Hip Hip, Hu......cough cough.

And then there is Vir Sanghvi. Always expect him to come up with the most inane observation ever.

If you think back on these claims and assurances, you will realize that not one of these statements was backed by any empirical evidence. Most of us believed them only because they were reported in the media again and again. We were told by relatively prominent Bombay socialites (but significantly, not by any politicians) that the mood of the city had changed. And we took them at their word.

What the low turnout figures tell us is not that Bombay has failed India. In fact, the city has reacted in exactly the same way that responds to every election. What they really tell us is this: we listened to the wrong people. We wasted our time believing socialites, admen, midgets on the fringes of journalism, small-time actors and busybodies who made grandiose political statements each time they got onto TV or wrote guest columns in newspapers.

Isn't that the problem?

Gee, I wonder why women more than sixty years old who write novels which exhibit awkward sex (not that I have ever read any of those books. Please, I'd rather die of the swine flu.) do not represent the mainstream. You know what one of the problems of the media is? They keep looking at people who are can "represent" other people in a totally non-hip-hop way. Anybody who claims to represent any demographic, well, is a fool. And anyone who believes them, an even bigger fool.

I sincerely say that on behalf of people everywhere.

One thing about Vir Sanghvi. He thinks everyone else besides Vir Sanghvi is an elitist.

Dude, you wrote a book about FOOD. How is that not being an elitist?

As for the people who didn't vote, the following picture is a perfect metaphor for what they want to say.

Government flip-flops; wants to make shoe throwing a national sport

After pretending to be offended at the various shoes that have been thrown at various politicians, the Indian government today said that if it comes to power again after the elections, it would introduce legislation making shoe-throwing a national sport.

In a hastily called press conference, Sports & Youth Affairs minister, M.S. Gill said that "Why fight it? It's an inexpensive sport. You don't need anything much for it anyway. All you require is an old shoe and a despicable politician. And need I remind you that our country is filled with thousands and thousands of specimens of the latter?" .

When asked by a reporter  whether all the people who threw the shoe were actually frustrated with the current crop of politicians and wanted to see something other than empty promises, Mr Gill laughed off the question. "This is India. We elect politicians who don't do anything for us. And then we elect them again. And again. You see, our elections are like washing your hair with shampoo. Lather, rinse and repeat. Simple. Although, washing your hair does actually make it cleaner. No chance of that happening in the elections".

He added that even if people are missing their target and are actually not that good with their aim, need not worry. "Not being talented has not stopped anyone from being successful in sports before. Look at the Indian cricket  team for example. And in the circumstance the shoe hits it's target, well, as the fellow once said, if the shoe hits, bear it". He then laughed at his own joke for ten minutes.

Mr Gill seemed to be very excited about his new venture. "In fact," he told the reporters present that "I have even selected a theme song for the sport. I am even exploring the possibilities of including it in the 2010 Commonwealth Games in New Delhi".

When questioned by a reporter from Mint about where he would get the money from, he said that even though he is working on a shoe-string budget, he would try to find some money for his project. And that he believed that the UPA was a shoo-in to form the next government, and that he hoped that it would be one of the government's priorities.

The left parties were wary of the government. "This bears the footprint of the neo-imperialists. You know which country I am talking about. The same country which would put Sanjaya on worldwide television", said a fuming Sitaram Yechury still angry over the season six American Idol contestant.

SP general secretary Amar Singh criticised the move. "When we come to power, we will just ban people from wearing shoes. That's the best solution to everything. For example, to reduce the population, we need to ban sex".

MNS leader Raj Thackrey said that anyone in Maharashtra who plans to pursue this sport should only throw shoes which have been manufactured in Maharashtra. "Maharashtra is for Maharashtrian shoes only. All other shoes should be sent back to where they came from. Anyone seen throwing shoes which are not of Maharashtran origin will be made to smell Bappi Lahri's shoes for a week. Remember, he's been wearing the same pair since 1965".

'Watershed Moment?'; don't count on it . . .

A terrorist attack in our country which many have called the worst in history. For more than 60 hours, the whole nation was said to be in a nightmare. But the nightmare has just begun.

Many are calling this a watershed moment in our history. But the reality is different. In a few days, all will be forgotten because we are supposed to "move on". We are supposed to have a spirit of resilience. We are supposed to forget the fact that those pieces of scum merely walked into our country and took our people hostage and killed a lot of them mercilessly.

Oh yeah, let's blame the usual suspect. Politicians, police, and Pakistan. Of course, the home minister should resign. Of course, the government is weak on terror. Of course it's the intelligence failure.

People will denounce each other. Politicians will create a divide, and the families of those brave men and woman who lost their lives will look on with horror. Disenchanted with their country, with their leaders and with the people who inhabit this once great nation.

But we will still look on. We will still go back to living our lives. We will still play the blame game. We will still shrug and ask "Who shall we vote for?" and "What can a single person do?"

However, these excuses don't hold water. Throughout history, a single person has started movements which have changed the world for the better.If we don't like the people we vote for, we can at least demand they do something. If you are not a vote bank, you will be ignored. In our country, the educated masses watch helplessly as the people we elect to govern us pilferage and rape our country while we write editorials and shout on news channels.

Become a vote bank. Demand that our politicians either shape up or ship out.

We can look towards smaller countries like Indonesia and Nepal, who bought change. Change in a mostly peaceful manner.

We have seen that a large group of people can make a difference. Look at what happened in the Jessica Lal case. People stood together and each candle lit for Jessica was a candle lit for change and democracy.

Great nations are not built on blog posts, editorials or by waxing eloquence on news channels.

But, perhaps, the truth is that we aren't a great nation. Perhaps we are just a group of people, who reproduce like rabbits, and who are forced to live next to each other.

But when I look at those visuals of those brave policemen who went into a 21st century battle with 19th century weapons, not even blinking, I don't imagine they were of any religion or any caste. They were Indians. Those brave NSG soldiers didn't ask people for their caste before they rescued them. The brave hotel staff who gave up their lives, young and old, opening doors and taking bullets for their guests, did not think about getting TV time or about getting votes. Hidden amongst us, are people who unknowingly do heroic things. Without any hoopla. Without any expectations. Maybe that makes us great. Maybe that makes us a nation of people.

A bullet does not have any nationalty. A bomb does not kill members of a particular community. A terrorist does not discriminate between rich and poor.

No matter how much we deny or the excuses we make, we have a choice. A choice to make our government work for everybody. A choice to give value to each and every human life in a country of more than a billion.

We need to wake up and act now, otherwise, the terrorists will leave us incapable to do so.