Saturday, May 31, 2008

If they IM'ed

The Big B and Shobha De have been feuding over De's comments about Ash.

So what would happen if they IM'ed to sort the whole thing out?

big_bee has logged on

diva_de has logged on

Hey Amit .. what are you doing up so late? also lol@ ur im handle
big_bee: I'm updating my blog ...... and big_b was taken by some1 already *frowns*.....
diva_de: lmao!! Get a life ...
big_bee: Y u hatin on me in ur columns woman?
diva_de: u started it by callin me names in your blog

big_bee: no..... u started it by talkin badly bout ash in ur column
diva_de: who else do i talk bout? no body gives a rat's ass bout what Mallika is wearin...
diva_de: tey just care wen she ain't wearin neting
big_bee: haha!! true tat ..... *ahem*
big_bee: even then .... u shudn't be dissin my family .. i released ur book for cryin out loud ...
diva_de: see that's why!! if i criticize you, it lends me more credibility ...
diva_de: ..cause ppl think we're friends n all
diva_de: so more credibility = more sales
diva_de: more sales = more money .. and mama needs more money cause mama needs her vodka .. :P ...
diva_de: ..also i need to stay in the news ... the book hasn't been selling tat well :'(
big_bee: of course it wudn't ... it's utter crap
diva_de: yeah .. but ppl don't knw tat .. until they buy it ....
diva_de: and if chetan bhagat can become a best selling author .. than so can i
big_bee: i still think u could've picked on some1 else ...
diva_de: really? as a favour to you i spared ur wife ......

diva_de: ...even thou she was looking like a female leprechaun in that green dress
big_bee: i knw!! *rolls eyes* tat's the last time i let amar singh buy a dress for her ...
diva_de: lol!! y does amar singh go everywhere with you? how can u tolerate tat guy???
big_bee: i just can't get rid of the guy .....
big_bee: he must be sleeping rite now otherwise he wud've been even logged on to tis chat ....
diva_de: lol!! he's a bigger leach than me .... :P
how come u suddenly started to make fun of everyone on ur blog?
big_bee: i've been watchin a lot of ally mcbeal and i've come to realize that i shudn't bottle up my emotions
diva_de: really??? how profound!! u watchin lotsa tv tese days? didja see srk's panchvi pass?
big_bee: no way...... jaya told me tat show has reached previously unsurpassed levels of crap ..
big_bee: .. she says it's even more suckier than RGV ki aag ...
big_bee: .. and jaya's the only one in the family who actually likes shahrukh .... lol
diva_de: i knw .... but it was funny the way u put up ppt slides on ur blog to prove tat the srk's show has tanked big time
big_bee: hehe .. i knw .. i wanted to really give it to that smug $#@!^%#^
diva_de: hehehe!! i knw .. he's so smug isn't he .... i hate him too ...
big_bee: really? what did he ever do to you?
diva_de: i asked him to release my book but he refused .....
big_bee: which book???
diva_de: the one you released .......
diva_de: of course not ......
big_bee: whew!!
diva_de: u were my third choice ...... my second choice was shatrugan sinha ...
diva_de: i only came to you wen both of them turned the gig down .....
big_bee: @!^#$^@#&$#$@%&@

big_bee has logged off

diva_de: amit .......
diva_de: u tere .......?
diva_de: .. hmph ...

diva_de is searching google for "cheap+botox+clinic"

Thursday, May 29, 2008


I saw this Dhoni advert on TV about wearing fashionable stuff. The advert was for Big Bazar. Brilliant concept. Because when I think of fashion, the first thing that pops into my mind is Big Bazar. Of course, off the rack discounted mass market clothes are so the epitome of fashion.

I happened to channel surf the other day and found this amazingly cheesy historical Soap Opera
on NDTV. Not that I am a big fan or anything but it was less ancient city and more like a resort in Kerela. And can someone tell me why those guys talk like my old sanskrit textbook? Can't they just talk like normal people? Is it so hard to say "Dude, can ya like chill in the forest for a few years with your wife and your younger brother? And kill some really big-ass mustached people while you are at it??" I think one of those Gods in the forest should be given a camera or sumthing. They could do a documentary for National Geographic . And they could use the leftover footage for a video blog.

Trouble is brewing between the coalition partners in Pakistan. Nawaz's party has pulled out of the government. What in the blue hell? Didn't these guys just get together? And now they have started to see other people so soon? I guess they shouldn't have attended the Mayawati Devi Coalition School

The UPA government wants to put an Indian on the moon by 2020 ! Really? I got a better idea...... How about putting food in the mouth of people living under the poverty line first? Then we can think about opening up a Udipi restaurant on the moon.

The Benaras Hindu University is set to be converted into an IIT. Wow. Their first order of business? Commission a machine which can dispense upto a 100 glasses of bhang in 10 seconds.

Sharon Stone has suggested that the recent quake in China could have been caused by China's bad karma.
In a related story, Karma blamed Sharon Stone's parents bad karma for having a child like Sharon Stone.

I think Sharon Stone needs to stop hanging out with Obama's pastor.

Our intelligence agencies have come up with a new technique to make the militants they capture spill the secrets. Apparently, the prisoners are shown endless reruns of the movie Tashan. Most talk after the first time.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Top Ten messages left on the Voicemail of ......... *Classified Information*

Top Ten messages left on the voice mail of [a Great Female National Leader who belongs to an even greater family of national importance] after the Karnataka elections

10. It's Rahul. Did I leave my copy of Guitar Hero at your place?
9. Halo?? Hellllooo? Are you there Madam??? *Beep* Voicemail hai kya?? This is Arjun Singh. We should have projected Rahul Baba as the chief ministerial candidate. Hello????
8. It's Deve Gowda. I just woke up. What happened?
7. Namaste, This is LK Advani. Thank you handing us 2009 on a silver platter. BJP Shining.
6. This is Vinod Mehta. Even I can't spin this shit into a personal victory for you.
5. Satsriakal Madam. Your everlasting humble servant begs you to please in your good grace ask Pranab Mukhrjee to stop calling me? He keeps giving me a missed call from different numbers and whenever I call back, he asks me to resign. A thousand apologies for the trouble. Thank you, your esteemed royal highness.
4. It's Hillary Clinton. Losing an election is no reason to give up running for that election. Fight on. Don't forget, you're in it to win it. Girl Power. Rah! Rah!! You go, girl.
3. It's Sitaram. Yechury, Not Kesri. *Sound of loud laughter followed by a prolonged bout of coughing*. I really need to stop doing that. *Ahem* We need to meet to chalk out a strategy to put the blame on someone. We can gather the coalition elders at my place. I'll send out for some Chinese ...
2. It's Star Plus. Do you want to host a reality show?
1. Helooooo. It's Najma Heputullah. Please hold the line while I sing.


the leader is Sonia Gandhi .... Just a precaution .... You never know whose reading what ....

The Battle of the Blogs

Due to the extensive coverage provided to their blogs, both Aamir Khan and Amitabh Bachchan have lashed out at the media for misinterpreting and reading too much into what they write on their blogs. Aamir Khan said that "When I wrote about my dog Shahrukh, I was actually just talking about my dog. It is just a coincidence that the biggest movie star today shares his name with my pet. Shah Rukh and I are great friends and the media is wrong in saying that both of us are playing a game of oneupmanship". He added that "Right now, Shahrukh is licking his own balls. Of course, I mean the dog. Ha Ha". Meanwhile Amitabh Bachchan has said that when he pasted screen shots of the Power Point presentation comparing the rating of his show vis-a-vis Sharukh's show on his blog he did not intend any malice. "My intention was to ask the public the reason no one is watching Shahrukh's show even though it is top notch Why, even I might watch his show one of these days". He added that he hoped this cleared the air and that his genuine concern is not misinterpreted as gloating. He also said that the email he sent to Star executives which simple said "I told you so, suckers" was just a joke and should not be taken seriously.

Disclaimer: The above news article is not true and is meant as a parody. It should not be taken seriously.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Great Indian Culture Guidebook Part 1

Due to the influx of western influences like Rock Music and the Internet, Indian children have been losing their cultural identity. Before all hell breaks lose and chaos reigns supreme, we have compiled this guidebook to help you debauched youngsters regain your Indian-ness.
This guidebook has been sponsored by our Cultural Umbrella for National Togetherness Samellan.

Now, most of you might accuse us of Xenophobia, bigotry and racism, but we just wants our children to have an inherent Indianess.

(1) Sex

This seems to be everybody's favorite topic these days. This is nothing but a blatant proof of the western influence on our country. In our country sex simply does not exist. Children are born (a) When a husband looks lovingly into the eyes of his wife (b) When people take a vow at Vaishno Devi or at Chisti's tomb.

However, in the above attempts fail to grant a couple a male child, sex is not only allowed but is highly encouraged. In fact, it is mandatory at that instance.

It is also against to talk about sex. Teaching children about safe sex makes want to have sex. Therefore any talk about sex is a strict no-no.

(2) Breasts

Indian women are not supposed to talk about breasts. In fact there is not even a word in any Indian dialect for breasts. All culturally approved Indian women do not show their breasts. Not even to their husbands. Breasts are only to be used to feed milk to a male infant. A female infant can be given goat's milk or something. (We really don't give a damn about the female infant. Teehee.)

(3) Food

Firstly, culturally approved Indians do not eat anywhere except at home. In case one is forced to eat outside, only VHP sanctioned 'vashnavi' Dhabas are allowed. Some Udipi restaurants are okay too. However, having a burger at McDonalds or sipping a Latte is seriously unbecoming an Indian.

In fact, why have coffee when you can have boiled tea with Cow's milk?

Also eating non-vegetarian food on holy days is a big no-no. And beef cannot be eaten at all. IF you do eat non-veg on Tuesday and eat beef at all you must be Catholic. Or Muslim. Or *gasp* *gasp* Both.

(4) Holy Men

Holy men are the doyens of Indian culture. All holy men must be respected and worshiped like a God. In fact, in some cases holy men can outrule God. No biggie. And Holy men needn't practice what they preach.

Young nubile virgins should consider themselves blessed when Holy men choose to de-flower them. It's their fiduciary duty to present themselves to the service of holy men because Holy men work selflessly to guide us towards the correct path. Even though we can use Google maps to get a shorter path, only holy men can help us balance our Karma and attain Nirvana. Or at least help us lose weight. Whatever.

(5) Marriage \ Love

No Indian has the right to get married without the explicit permission of both set of parents and relatives. Any such marriage devoid even one of these permission slips is strictly null and void. Parents of such couples will never recognize their better half and can make their offspring feel as guilty as they want. They may also bar them from any inheritance. They may also keep asking thier children to get married completely ignoring the fact that their child has now started a family.

It is completely against Indian culture for anybody to fall in Love. Love is only allowed for one's parents, relatives and culture. All other love is illegal. Indian children cannot fall in love. Indian males can keep staring at women and might even be allowed to see them without their head scarf. However, Indian women are expected to keep their gaze on the floor at all times. This helps them identify which area of the floor is dirty so that they can make a mental note to clean it at a later time.

This rule can only be relaxed if an older over the hill rich man falls in love (or lusts whatever) after a 16 year old teenage girl. That's okay. However, young people with their overflowing hormones need to stop eying people of the opposite gender. Or the same gender for that matter. Hmph.

(6) Homosexuality

Homosexuality is sooo against Indian culture. Not because of any of that republican bullshit but because Indian men are supposed to bear children. That's their primary duty. Keep impregnating their wives. An Indian women is not complete until she becomes a mother. So if two guys get together to do the dirty-dirty where would children come from?

However, if a man has five children with a minimum of three being male, he can hump any other male he wants. And of course, holy men are allowed to have as much gay sex as they want. Also sevaks and workers of culturally I.S.I. approved political outfits who haven't seen a women in eight years are exempt too.

Women are not allowed to do each other. If Indian women start doing the one thing Indian men are capable of doing, howsoever badly, where do the men go?

(7) Women's Liberation

An Indian women is can only be liberated from her parents house by her husband. From her husband's house she can only be liberated after death. So basically, if Mimi was Indian, she would never have been emancipated. All money earned by a unmarried woman is property of her father and after marriage belongs to her husband or his family. What's next? Women having their separate bank accounts? Aiyiyiyiyiyiyi. What is the world coming to?

Friday, May 16, 2008

Shame on ..... who?

I read this news report that the Intelligence agencies had definitive reports a few months ago that there would be an attack on Jaipur and Hardwar. In fact Jaipur was identified as a "prime target".

On the basis of Jalaluddin's confessions, India's Intelligence Bureau did issue advice last year, listing a number of cities like Jaipur that it said were on the "hit list" of the jihadis.

Then for a few months nothing happened and the intelligence advisory was forgotten.

"That is how intelligence works in India. A general advisory on the basis of some confession or an agent report is usually forgotten when nothing happens for a while," says Bibhuti Bhusan Nandy, a former deputy chief of India's Research and Analysis Wing (Raw), that is responsible for external intelligence.

"The intelligence agencies rarely chase up leads to get more specific intelligence and when something like Jaipur happens, they refer to their old report to save their jobs."

I don't want to blame the government, the police, the intelligence agencies. These people have already gotten their share of the blame. They are doing either a lackadaisical job or no job at all. The reason they get away with this is because their supposed bosses, the people of India have come to accept this as a way of life. Rather than make an effort to try to take the government to task, all we do is say a few obligatory sentences like no one is doing their job and that the terrorists want to incite a religious riot or stupid stuff like that. Yes, the government is not doing it's job. It has not been doing so for the past 60 years. However, we have gotten so used to the government not doing their job that we have made our peace with it. We have forgotten our job which is to take the government to task.

Our job as Indian citizens is to ask the government what steps it is taking to prevent such incidents from happening in the future? We need our government to explain why there is a need to call a security expert from South Africa to protect the IPL teams in Jaipur? In a country of more than a billion people, it is shameful that we need nationals from other countries to protect our own people.

It is shameful that we won't even stop once to think that those innocent lives could have been saved. We won't stop to think that so many more innocent lives are going to be sacrificed again because people we vote for (or don't vote for), people whose salaries comes from the taxes we pay, are not doing anything about it.

It shames me that I was only able to know this fact because of Google and the BBC. It shames me that news media in my country is busy covering what Aamir Khan writes on his blog rather than bring such essential facts to the forefront. It shames me that most people in this country would never get to know a lot of things not because they are not interested but because they do not have access to education, electricity and the internet. Because someone has not been doing their job.

We can sit back and let the government keep blaming the proverbial foreign hand. Yes, gathering and disseminating intelligence is not our job. Yes, acting on that intelligence is not our job. However, making sure that people who are not doing their job are out of it is our job.

Yes, the system is hard to fight against. Yes, you can't take on city hall. Yes, everything is screwed up. However, people have just given up. Most people have been bought up to be slaves of the system. Children have to bribe their way to get a "quality" education (whose quality is always in doubt). Old, retired people have to pay hash money to get access to their own retirement fund. The tax payes who pay the actual tax are the ones who suffer the most.

But all we do is make some movies about it, take up one issue and then forget about everything and go back to our old ways.

Our politicians have brainwashed people in our country to concentrate on frivolous issues like caste, caste and people are ready to kill because of some stupid erotic paintings.

There is a reason that politicians don't pander to the so called urban citizens. Merely because the educated, informed masses do not go and vote. To say that there is no candidate is an easy way out. How many of us, including me actually have a voters id card? I for one, have never voted. So I share the blame too.

We need to make the government, the bureaucrats and the media to do their job. How? By simply doing ours.

That's all.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Page 26

It's official!! Finally .... everything in the world is good again. Brangelina are about to have their fifth and sixth child. Awwwww .... Boy!! Some people would do anything for those Stimulus checks.

They now have enough children to field their own little Brangelina basketball team.

Editors note: This new development raises a lot of questions. Do these people really need to keep on breeding? Don't we have enough Jolie-Pitts running around already? Are they going to give up the adopting gig to Maddona?


Have you heard? 90210 is baaaaaaaaaack. ohmygodshitfuckwhat? The producers have promised it to be an updated version. Yeah. For instance, it's not called Beverly Hills 90210 anymore. Nope. It's called Stupid crap you saw more than a decade ago 90210.

Editors note:
The OC was canceled remember? And Gossip Girl sucks. 'Nuff said.


John Edwards has endorsed Barack O. Boy. This is a big one for Baraccky. Dozens of John's supporters are now Obama supporters. All Obama needs now is an endorsement from Dennis Kuchimich for the alien vote and he's a shoo-in

Editors note: Mr Edwards figures that now Barack is going to get the nomination and possibly become President, then he would be well placed in the future Obama administration. However, before he does that he must pay his allegiance to the power behind the throne: Oprah.


Eliminated American Idol contestant Jason Castro has said that he does not smoke weed. It would have been more believable if he hadn't taught the reporter how to roll a joint after making this statement.

Of course, Jason does not smoke weed and I don't post stupid jokes on a blog for news items no one cares about.

Indian culture news item of the day: Ultra thin is Un-Indian

Forget that it is unhealthy, don't aim for it because it is UnIndian. Really, professor. I didn't know that the level of my "Indian-ness" is determined by my waist size. Tch. Tch. I knew I should have gone to RSS school. Damn you "western" education.


A new study has found out that the ageing process can hurt a person's capability to make decisions. Boy, the bad news for Arjun Singh just doesn't seem to stop.

[This never gets old. Never.]


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

12 ways PM Manmohan Singh can increase his popularity

12. Order a CBI inquiry to find out how Shahrukh Khan can be at multiple locations at the same time
11. Ask Mukesh Ambani to use his kids weekly allowance to cover the national debt
10. Start speeches with "Dude, the other day I was so wasted ......"
9. Hire Ranbir Kapoor & Deepika Padukone as brand ambassadors
8. Table a bill in Parliament making it illegal for Himesh Rehshamiya to sing or make movies
7. Make Shilpa Shetty the Indian Ambassador to Britain
6. Commission a new show called "Are you a bigger sycophant than Arjun Singh?"
5. Along with LK Advani, star in Ram Gopal Verma's second remake of Sholay
4. Ask Jassi (Mona Singh) for an extreme makeover
3. Order a no-holds-barred match between Renuka Chowdhary and the great Khali
2. Gee ..wizz ... Grow a pair and sign the Nuclear Power deal
1. Resign

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


I am a loyalist and not a sycophant, says Arjun Singh

I'm glad that got cleared up. This actually means that he's not an ass-kissing fucked-in-the-head out of touch with the world crazy lunatic instead he is just a plain old regularly crazy Gandhiphle suffering from foot-in-the-mouth disease who regularly finds his own head buried inside his ass.

Lalu can do chhat puja, I too will attend it: CM Deshmukh

Aww!! So big of you Mr CM Sir. Isn't it nice? You and Lalu can make love while the rest of the North Indians keep getting beaten up by MNS and Shiv Sena goons. How very big of you, Mr Chief Minister. In fact, this is the biggest Mussharfesque gesture ever. And it so doesn't hurt that Lalu is kinda in alliance with your party. Such good buddies, no?

Sena's latest target: Mumbai-Bombay tug of war

Shiv Saniks went around BOMBAY yesterday blackening all signboards of establishments which used BOMBAY in their company name instead of it's Marathi replacement. Therefore, anything with BOMBAY written on it got blackened and was replaced by (
insert marathi word for BOMBAY). So all we want to say to that is BOMBAY BOMBAY BOMBAY BOMBAY BOMBAY BOMBAY. BOMBAY CITY ...... Maybe I got up so early that it was the 90's again? It's not enough that the city has gotten it's name changed. Pretty soon people would need to get 'Mumbai' (BOMBAY) tattooed on their ass. And one last time, everyone together, BOMBAY. Good. *pats readers back in a friendly gesture*

Khali calls on Shah Rukh Khan at 'Mannat'

Wow. First the President. Now SRK. This guy is doing rounds of the who's who of the country. Once he meets IK Gujral, this guy will have met the trifecta of power in this country.
It might also be possible that SRK can be protecting his IPL team by asking Khali to guard them against Harbhajan Singh?
And what makes this guy the next Indra Nooyi?

Mallaya mauls 'boss' Dravid

Vijay Mallya is sad at his team's bad performance. He blames Dravid and Charu Sharma. Hopefully, the string of defeats do not drive Mallaya crazy and he spends all his money on women and alcohol. I hate when that happens.

Kalam says that by 2020
India Will Be The Best Place On Earth

Alright. Can someone please tell me what this guy has been smoking? I think he needs to stop hanging out with Rahul Mahajan now. Or maybe stop seeing Arjun Singh's doctor?

Monday, May 12, 2008

"The Love Guru" not getting much Love

"If trailer is an indicator of the content of the movie... then we feel this is most likely to hurt sentiments of seekers of various spiritual paths," Bhavna Shinde, a representative of the Hindu Janjagruti Samiti and Sanatan Society for Scientific Spirituality, said in a communique.

"It will hurt the religious sentiments of millions of Hindus worldwide, who hold the 'Guru-disciple' relationship as sacred," the communique said.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great protectors of our religious sentiments are at it again. According to news reports, various Hindu organizations have petitioned the FCC in the US and the Censor Board in India to prevent the release of Mike Myer's upcoming movie, The Love Guru.

What I want to ask these so called religious zealots is, Who died and made you king? Whatever gave you the right of representing 'Hindu sentiments' worldwide? And above all, who made you the representative of God? Didja get an email? Do you have a will? A document giving you a power of attorney perhaps? Anything? No? I thought so.

What gives you the right to decide what is offensive or not? Or what is right or wrong? If you don't like something, just don't go and watch it. No one is forcing you. However, you have no right to prevent others from watching it.

And pray tell me, if your belief in your religion is so strong, why is it shaken up by a single satirical movie?

All you are trying to do is scuttle free speech in the name of religion. What makes religion so sacrosanct that people cannot question it? Or make fun of it? Nothing is so sacred that it can't be made fun off. If you don't like it, don't buy it. Let everybody else form their own opinion.

Just because someone says "Religion" he is allowed to act crazy. Every foolish decision, every foolish tradition can be forgiven in the name of religion.

And God is not so week that he needs these people to defend him. I think he's doing fine on his own.

We forget that freedom of expression implies that all opinions are allowed to co-exist together. Even those which are not of the majority. Or which do not appeal to the majority.

However, I am sure that the movie will face a slew of protests when it is released in India, assuming it is allowed to be released in India. Satanic Verses, anyone?

And if it is released, theaters would be stormed, their owners would be threatened, Paramount's office in India will be picketed and someone in Gujarat will file a case against Mike Myers.

Another one for our Xenophobic protectors. Clap Clap, ladies and gentlemen, clap clap.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

10 Signs Barack Obama is getting cocky

10. Canceled a week of campaigning to play Grand Theft Auto 4
9. Has given Oprah her 2 month notice
8. Hired Rob Lowe's former Nanny
7. Challenged Hillary to a Drink off contest for Oregon's delegates
6. Has formed a "Assisted living for John McCain" exploratory committee
5. Has bought Bear Sterns with his campaign fund money
4. Has agreed to star in new romantic comedy opening this summer "Forgetting Dubya"
3. Sent message to Florida and Michigan democrats saying "Shit Happens, Get over it"
2. Has asked George Stephonophilis to get ready for new assignment in Cuba
1. New Veep Candidate: Rev Wright

Saturday, May 10, 2008

What people say and what they really mean

I like meeting interesting people

--> I am so desperate to meet someone, I'll meet anyone

Of course honey, you don't look fat

--> You look like someone Bill Clinton would want to hump

Your house is so...charming

--> It's rat hole! How the hell can you live here?

You are a real interesting and funny person

--> You are so boring that I want to cut off my arm just so I can hit you with it

Music is in my blood

--> My Dad was a Harmonium Salesman


--> My Dad was a guitar salesman

To me it's not about the money and fame, it's just about the music

--> I auditioned for Indian Idol

I love all kinds of music

--> Britney Spears is God

I love to read

--> I have only read The Da Vinci code and I loved it

I read anything I can get my hands on

--> Anything by Sidney Sheldon, Daniel Steel and Jackie Collins

I love reading autobiographies

--> I read Jenna Jameson's and Larry Flynt's books

I have eclectic taste in books

--> My bookshelf is full of cheap translated Scandinavian literature

I like mainstream books, I'm not an elitist

--> I only read books recommended by the Oprah Book Club

I don't like popular fiction

--> I have read and re-read Lord of the rings and Harry Potter

I only read books which uplift my soul

--> I only read self-help books

Books for me are like a journey

--> I love Mills & Boon

I give the book a rating of 1 out of 5

--> The author did not sign my copy of the book and did not pay for lunch

My book is not for everyone, it's a piece of art

--> My book is the biggest pile of monkeycrap anybody has ever written

Writing is a lost art

--> I wrote a book but no publisher was even ready to publish it even if I paid them

Modern Authors can't compare to Shakespeare and Blyton

--> I'm British

I am a big fan of the translated books of Rabindranath Tagore and Premchand

--> I have no clue who Arunadhiti Roy, Jhumpa Lahri and Salmam Rushdie are and I don't even care

Jhumpa Lahri limits herself to writing about expat Bengali families only

--> I can't get a visa to visit the US

Indian authors have a unique spin on life

--> No one writes about white people anymore

I have the hardcover special collectors edition of this book

--> Even though I haven't read the book, I do have more money than you which makes me more intelligent

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The First Annual Prime Ministerial Correspondents Dinner

I was watching the White House Correspondents dinner and after it was over I felt sad that our esteemed PM would not be getting such an honor. And being the kind hearted soul I am, I thought that I should write one. I may not be Stephen Colbert or Craig Ferguson but I'm the only one who cares, so Dr Singh be ready for the speech of a lifetime. So let's imagine that we have the Prime Minister, his cabinet colleagues the opposition and all the power brokers sitting together in Vigyan Bhawan's main hall.We have been asked to deliver the keynote address. So here it is:

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Prime Ministerial correspondents dinner.

So, Mr. Prime Minister, this may be your last year in office. I mean if the congress wins the election next year, Mrs. Sonia Gandhi may select someone else to do her bidding. Of course sir, I am just kidding. Just like the left front kids around with the country's interest. In fact the left front hates the United States almost as much as Obama's pastor. However, if the left loved India even half as much as they love China, your government would be able to make at least some intelligent foreign policy decisions.

Now I see Rahul Gandhi sitting in the front row. Now, Rahul, I know you're not old enough to have a drink in one of Delhi's nightclubs but it's heartening to know that you might be our next prime minister. Congratulations. You are going to inherit an empire of more than a billion people with a rich cultural heritage and teeming with problems that have not been solved since your grandfather was PM.

Sitting next to Rahul, we see another Prime Minister in waiting, Mr LK Advani. In fact Mr Advani has been waiting for so long to be Prime Minister, that his new book is called Waiting Room. Mr Advani, your party must get it's act together before the next election otherwise you are going to be waiting for the rest of your life.

Oh wait!! I see Arjun Singh in the crowd. Sir, could you please stand and take a bow? Some of your fans, namely the upper caste medical students who couldn't get admission in AIIMS want to give you a standing ovation. What's that sir, you cannot stand. Oh I'm sorry. I forgot. Please accept my apologies. Sir, It's an honor to meet you. It is only once in a lifetime that one gets the opportunity to meet someone who is older than AK Hangal. In fact, ladies and gentlemen Mr Arjun Singh is so old, his first girlfriend was Anarkali's mother. A little known fact about Arjun Singh is that he used to be drinking buddies with Bahadur Shah Zafar. In fact, yesterday they found Arjun Singh's baby teeth among the ruins of Mohenjadaro. Please sir, don't try to speak. Most of us don't understand sanskrit.

Ah! And there is Mr Pranab Mukherjee. Our pan chewing foreign minister. You know, very few people know about Mr Mukherjee's secret bet with US president George Bush. Oh Yes. You see, both of them have been competing for the past few years to find out the man who is most efficient at butchering the English language. I think Mr Mukherjee, has won, hands down. We are proud of you sir and honored that you represent us. However, please stop wiping your pan stains on Sharad Pawar's white safari suit. It's the only one he has.

We also have members of the Indian media present here. Our Indian press has come a long way. And it's great to see our newspapers and T.V. bring real issues to the forefront instead of acting like cheerleaders for the government. Our reporters have matured over the years and do not act anymore like a three year old child who fell into a deep, dark ditch,
These people bring to the forefront issues which affect our everyday life. They tell us which celebrities are doing each other and what Lakshmi Mittal eats for breakfast. So let's give it up for the Indian media.

Anyway, unlike his cabinet colleagues who forget to inform him about important policy decisions, we shouldn't forget that this evening is about Dr Manmohan Singh.

So let's celebrate the term of a prime minister who takes decisions after they have been approved by a higher power. God, Gandhi, same thing, right?

Let’s celebrate the fact that we have a president and prime minister who bear allegiance not to the country, not to the flag, but to a family. Just like in The Sopranos. Such nobility and loyalty is so rare in this day and age. Though the congress party is full of such pioneers.

Of course this PM has had his comic moments. He really did entertain us with his unimaginably hilarious statements like The BJP wants him to die or that homosexuality is against Indian Culture or that he doesn’t know anything about politics. However you shouldn’t just sit there, you should clap for this man. He has his principles, but he has the hindsight not to be enslaved by them. If that isn't applause worthy, I don't know what is.

So let’s celebrate the fact that in the sixtieth year of independence, the government wants to ban actors smoking on screen. A measure which provides a smokescreen for real issues like inflation, poverty and corruption. Or let’s celebrate the brilliant idea of the finance minister, who decided that the only way to increase tax collections is to increase the tax burden on the people who already pay the tax. Wonderful idea. You need to applaud, ladies and gentlemen, not just sit there with an expression of disgust.

Of course, who can forget the brave decision to kill the Indo-US nuclear deal, something which caused irreparable damage to India’s reputation in the US Congress? Let’s celebrate the fact that because of a few people living in 1970, like Sitaram Yechury & Co, our ability to generate electricity is severely harmed thus putting a spanner in the country's economic development.

This brave man insisted on continuing with what some people termed as populist measures like unnecessary subsidies. Though they harmed the economy in the long run, at least they bought his allies into power in their respective states.

We should feel proud of the fact that this particular council of ministers has amongst it’s midst, a man convicted of murder and a man convicted of embezzling a few hundred crores.
The PM's efforts at rehabilitating these ex-criminals are incredible and deserve a Param Vir Chakra.

We are here to celebrate the catastrophic failure of a government we have at the center. A government, which if it wins power again, will follow the same self fulfilling prophecy it has for the past four-and-a-half years. A government which claims to exist for the common man, but has done nothing to decrease the common man's misery. So let’s give our beloved prime minister a standing ovation, for he made a huge effort to ensure that history will rank him as one of India's most ineffective Prime Ministers.

Personally, I’m glad your term is coming to an end Mr. Prime Minister. In fact I can’t wait for your government to leave. However, I would request you to do me one last favor. Please, sir, don't let the door hit you on the a** on your way out.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your time. I hope you enjoyed your evening. Good Night.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Weekend Update

It was so warm today, Shatrugan Sinha called Amitabh Bachchan just for the cold shoulder.

It was so warm today, Harbhajan Singh went around slapping people from the met department.

It was so warm today that scantily dressed hindu conservatives pissed of Malika Sherawat.

It was so warm today, President Bush started blaming India for global warming.

Have you heard? Yesterday, President Bush during a speech said that the current global food shortage crisis was caused because of increased food demand in India. You know, it's good to see that General Musharaf has finally found a new job working as Bush's speech writer.

The Dalai Lama's envoy is holding talks with the Chinese government. They had a good start. Both of them have come to the conclusion that Chicken Manchurian sucks and Chilli Gobhi is an outrage.

Ganguly said yesterday that his team lost four matches in a row because of a certain "situation". Yes, apparently, sucking at batting and bowling can now be termed as a "situation".
In fact, "situation" is the new "wardrobe malfunction". Time to update your pop culture dictionaries, people.

Yesterday, in Kentucky, a couple left their two month old baby in the car for more than 20 minutes while they went to see the Kentucky Derby. Hey, I didn't know that Britney And K-Fed were back together.

At a recent public event, PM Manmohan Singh asked the captains of Indian industry to cut down on frivolous spending and to live a more aesthetic life. He then left the function in one of his 3 BMW's and was followed by 24 other cars in his entourage.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Top 10 signs that you are not smarter than a fifth grader

10. You spent eight years in the 5th Grade and still had to bribe your way out
9. You are hooked on to India TV & Star News
8. In a DVD store, you ask for Krazzy 1 , 2 & 3
7. When faced with a tough situation, you find yourself thinking "What would Shilpa Shetty do?"
6. On your profile, you describe yourself as having the wit & charm of the great khali
5. You write a fan letter to Jadoo from Koi Mil Gaya
3. Your speech about religion which no one can understand is a viral video on You Tube
2. You need to send a memo to your council of ministers asking them to keep you in the loop on major policy decisions even though you are the Prime Minister
1. You post a lousy Top 10 list on a blog which no one reads

Best news article EVER!!

This is the reason I can never be a journalist. I thought that the cheerleaders issue had died down. But, boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Apparently, it's big enough to be picked up by Reuters. And even though they put it in their oddly enough section, the tone of the article is more serious than an eulogy at a state funeral. If I could have been able to write like this, I would be a rich, rich man.

The article begins with some great quotes by eminent Indian politicians, for example:

"The manner in which semi-clad girls keep shaking their limbs is in bad taste," Uddhav Thackeray, head of the hardline Hindu nationalist Shiv Sena party was quoted as saying in the Times of India.

Shaking your limbs!! Don't you just hate it when people do that? It's disgraceful, I tell you. An outrage. The nerve. God is going to damn them to hell for revealing their limbs like that.

The article also reveals some really important facts:

The sight of many foreign women and Indians dancing in high boots and skimpy shorts sparked anger from both Hindu nationalists, who opposed their open sexuality, and some leftist parties who said it crudely copied Western culture.

I am sure the hearts of Hindu "nationalists" and "leftist" parties would be warmed to know that they are on the same side. How dare the cheerleaders open their sexuality in the land of the Kamasutra? They should be arrested and sent back to the Western world full of immoral people having sex for fun. In India, people can only have sex to bear a male child. Otherwise it is a sin against Indian culture.

However, my favorite line from this article has to be:

The cheerleaders appeared at the match in less revealing outfits -- where there was once exposed cleavages, midriffs and thighs, there was now only skintight lycra.

Lets read that again. ...Where there was once exposed cleavages, midriffs and thighs ...This is real HARD hitting news. The amount of detail the reporter has provided us with is astonishing. Each and every exposed body part has been documented and mentioned separately. I'm sorry, not body parts, each and every limb has been mentioned separately.
......There was now only skintight lycra.
Skintight Lycra. One last time. Skintight Lycra. I can never even in my wildest dreams be so articulate. This is just too good for words. The author of this article has to be a demi-God of journalism.

The article ends with the following paragraph:

But well-known cheerleaders from the Washington Redskins are still performing for the Bangalore Royal Challengers, and there have been no reports that they have toned down their performances.
Err..ummmm...ahem...... I hate to be a party pooper, but if this is true then WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF THE ARTICLE?

I am telling if this article does not win the Pulitzer prize, I am crying foul. Nothing can come close to it. Nothing. Thanks to google and it's targeted display of news items I was able to view this article and enrich my life forever. I shall now be able to die a happy man.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Hindu Organisation petitions Malika Sherawat

After her recent fashion faux paux at the music release function of Kamal Hasan's latest movie, Malika Sherawat was today petitioned by a hindu youth organistation, the HHA (Horny Hindus Association) to wear less clothes.

The HHA have released the following statement:

We, the HHA, encourage Ms. Sherawat to wear more revealing clothes. At a recent public event, she was covered from her neck to her knees. Even her feet were invisible under some godforsaken shoes Jackie Chan had given her. There wasn't even a hint of cleavage. Thousands of our members who had gathered there to catch a glimpse of her ass were outraged to see that she was all covered up. We urge her not to be pressured to dress appropriately while in public. Those old prudish basteds don't know what they are talking about. We would rather that Ms. Sherawat while selecting an outfit for a public appearance should remember not to leave anything to the imagination. Frankly, if she doesn't show us any T & A, all we are left with is Rakhi Sawant. And with all due respect to that media whore Ms. Sawant , we'd rather wank over Ritiesh Deshmukh in drag.

The HHA has started a campaign, Thongs for Malika, to garner support so as to send a strong message to Ms. Sherawat that Less is More. They are also sending volunteers to Ms. Sherawat's house every hour to collect the sarees being sent to her by the Mahila Mukti Sammelan. The sarees that are collected are being sent to tsunami affected areas in Tamil Nadu, to serve as a temporary shelter for families for whom the government has still not been able to build concrete homes.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Loose Ends

Harbhajan Singh has a new theme song: Slap my Bitch up .....

After he was seen crying so much on TV, Srisanth has landed a new sponsor, Pampers.

After the Bhaji-Sri row, now Ganguly and Warne have started trading verbal barbs.
When he heard about it, Harbhajan Singh said These guys are all talk and no balls!

Amy Winehouse's father wants to put her in a mental institution. Wow!! I'm sure nobody saw this coming.

If she doesn't go, at least we know what her next song is going to be about.

Amy Winehouse was recently released on a charge of slapping an onlooker. She was let go because it was one of those few times she was sober.

Q: What profession would the offspring of Amy Winehouse and Harbhajan Singh excel in?
A: Slapstick Comedy

Sonia Gandhi gave a speech on Monday saying that there is no place for violence in politics in a democracy. Then Raj Thackrey stood up and gave the rebuttal.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh yesterday criticized and blamed the global financial crisis on the bad handling of the financial sector in developed economies like the US. To which President Bush replied Thank you, Captain Obvious ...

In fact the economy is so bad in the US these days that former NY governor Elliot Spitzer was only able to spend $500 on prostitutes this month.

Hillary Clinton recently liked herself to Rocky recently. Not to be outdone, John McCain in a speech yesterday likened himself to the Disney Character, Old Yeller.

The movie Tashan has flopped so bad, that everytime Shahid Kapoor sees a poster or a promo of the movie, he gets an orgasm.

The "great" Khali is coming to India. Therefore, I'm leaving.
If I wanted to listen to a big, stupid oaf talk in an incomprehensible language, I'd watch a Sharad Pawar interview.
Khali is what would happen if Snoop Dogg and Jaspal Bhatti mated.

The Indian health minister, Dr Ramados recently said that hindi movies should not show actors either drinking alcohol or eating potato chips. It's all part of his new India is my fat, alcoholic teenage son campaign.

In response to his statement, censor board chief Sharmila Tagore released a statement asking Ramados to concentrate on his real job. She then went back inside the studio to be the judge for a reality show.

In a recent statement US Secretary of State Condolezza Rice said that the global food shortage was due to the improved diets of people in India and China. She also said that George Bush is a genius who is not appreciated in his own time, that Dick Cheney has a heart of gold, and the US is winning the war in Iraq. She then said that she is celebrating 4/20 a little late.

Major telephone operators slashed their long distance call rates this week. Great!! Now you can ignore your relatives at a cheaper rate.

A Stolen Tag

So we stole a tag from Moo. Sorry. We're jobless and devoid of anything interesting to do.

So what the hell? As the great man once said, here we go:

1) Last Movie You Saw in a Theatre:

Turistas and it was HORRIBLE ....... We had to see it because there was no other alternative and my cousins visiting from abroad wanted to experience an Indian "theater" ... wat-fuckin-ever

2) What book are you reading?

Good question. Though it should be book(s).
We are currently reading Side Effects By Woody Allen, The Zahir by Paulo Cohelo, The Book of Man by Osho. We just finished reading The Godfather, which is the BEST book ever. [yes, we read multiple books at the same time. We are kind of fucked in the head].

3) Favourite Board Game

Strip Monopoly, Strip Ludo, Strip Scrabble [ u get the idea]

4) Favourite Magazine

The New Yorker
..... used to read playboy when I was a kid (only FOR the articles, I assure you)

5) Favourite Smell

The smell of coffee,
The smell of a new book,
The smell of newly minted money

6) Favourite Sounds

The purr of an engine,
the sound of the espresso machine,
The sound of the door closing as soon as I wake up. Saves me a lot of needless conversation.

7) Worst feeling in the world

When I have to be nice to people,
When I have to praise ugly and untalented kids, [what???]
When a relationship lasts for more than two weeks [that's the pits].

8) What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

Most of the following:

What's her name?
Damn, that WAS too much alcohol!
I think I'll call in sick today too!
Do I have to make conversation?
Can I have her make a cup of coffee before she leaves?
Her sister was so much better!!
That was an awesome threesome!! You are good!!
Dammit, what the fuck is her name ...
That was one of the best times .... and she was a lesbian!! [looking down] good work, boy!!

9) Favourite Fast Food Place

KFC - it's finger lickin good
(in fact im havin some right now)

10) Future Child's Name

Exhibit A (for when I sue the condom company)

11) Finish this statement- "If I had a lot of money, I'd..."

Piss it all away,
Open my own publishing house to publish the crap I write,
Buy Comedy Central and have it run the sitcoms I want,
Buy all the Indian news channels, shut them down and burn their archive footage and feed the ashes to the then former owners of headlines today

12) Do you drive fast?

My legal advisers have asked me not to answer this question .... The matter is still in the courts

13) What was your first car?

It was made by atlas cycles, and my dad bought it for me on my third b'day

14) Storms- Cool or Scary?

Fuckin Scary ...... It prevents me to have my coffee while driving ....

15) Did you sleep with a stuffed animal?

No!! Please, she's not that bad looking!! Jesus .... Since when did tags start being so judgmental?

16) Favourite Drink?

Screwdriver (w/o the orange juice),
Rum with a flavor of Diet Coke,

Tequila .... [technically not a drink]

and freshly grounded coffee .........

17) Finish this statement- "If I had the time, I would..."

write a blog making fun of everyone ...... and be offensive and politically incorrect on all occasions all demographics ..... [err.. I already do that, don't I??]
or learn to spell and then write the great Indian novel

18) Do you eat the stems with Broccoli?

Now, what sort of question is that?It's like asking do you kiss with your mouth open? or Do you use a tongue when you kiss? Do you decide not to use the gearbox while driving? Do people still call it a gearbox? Congrafuckingtulations ...

19) If you could dye your hair any other colour, what colour would it be?

I love my natural hair, thank you very much. Though at the rate it's turning white, I might need to dye it black!!

20) Name all the different towns/cities you've lived in.


21) Favourite Sports to Watch?

Wrestling (WWE), Football

22) One nice thing about the person who sent this to you.

Since I stole it myself, I would say that I am a wonderful person, God's gift to the planet and when I was made me, God broke a new and special mold.

23) What's under your bed?

Right now? 24 empty beer bottles and 2 dozen boxes of Durex's finest

24) Would you like to be born as yourself again?

Ahhh YEAH!! Who else can compare to the King of Kings!!

25) Morning Person or Night Owl

A Night Owl who stays up during the day too ...

26) Over Easy or Sunny Side Up

Sunny side up

27) Favourite Place to Relax

In me bed or me jacuzzi [read that with a slight british accent ... then u'll get it]

28) Favourite Pie?

Mostly Putang pie, but apple is nice too ..... [don't google that, it is absolutely crass and vulgar, which if you aren't me it might not be your thing]

29) Favourite Ice Cream Flavour

"Iced Chocolate coffee Flavored Eskimo Frappucino" [yeah, baby]

30) Of all the people you've tagged who's the most likely to respond to this?

Anyone jobless, with a sense of humor and a long attention span.

So there. That wasn't half bad I think. However, no more tags for a while.