We're going to miss you, Blighty, you stupid tosser

Dear ol' bean,

You better keep your cup o' tea down before you read this. We promise to be as gentle as possible.

Although what we are about to say really saddens us, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Listen. Since there is no easy way to say this so we're just going to say this out loud.

We need to see other countries.


If it makes you feel any better, it's not us , it's you.


In a perfect world, we'd love to keep investing all our money in you. But since your economy turned into, as they say, shite, we'd like to move on. Before you think "Oi!! What's all this then?" and throw a wobbly, hear us out. We tried to buy all your stuff to keep you afloat (Tetley Tea, Corrus Steel, Elton John), but your economy is all sixes and sevens. Sweet fanny adams even the Somalian pirates are doing better than you are. Also, we don't trust that prat of a prime minister you have. He's like a wanker without a stiffy.

We'd love to stay and help, but we're afraid that you're going to be standing all starkers very soon. And we'd rather chew on some codswallop than see that.

Now don't be sad. Chin up, ol' sausage. You can always go scrumping to France.

And if you ever fancy a game of cricket, do give us a ring-a-ding. We're still mates, innit? And just for old times sake, we promise not to make a dog's dinner out of your team. Well, er, maybe.

Keep your pecker up.

Pip, pip cheerio and all that rot.