Monday, October 27, 2008

New Rules

The Indian media has to stop having an orgasm every time India wins a match. Listen, sparky. The match was in India. On a fucking Indian pitch. We were bound to win. You can shove your balls in the Aussies faces once you win a match outside of India. Even I know that. And I don't even watch cricket.

CNN has got to show something other than news about the presidential election. There are more than 180 other countries in the world, dawg. Or didja forget the "International" in "CNN International"? It's gotten so bad that Osama and his freaks could blow something up and still not make the headlines. In fact, they just bumped Nelson Madela for an exclusive with Barney the Coffee Guy.

China has to stop trying to poison the rest of the world. It seems that everything that comes from China has some sort of poison in it. Listen up people, if your milk carton is cheaper than the cost of chewing gum, then it's going to make your lungs explode, you cheap fuck.

The British government has to stop trying to suck up to India. Face it, you old fart. We're not going to bail you out of your financial crisis. We told you that this would happen when you made Shipla Shetty your yoga guru. Now remove your leg from behind your head and stop asking us for chump change.

Friday, October 24, 2008

7 reasons to get really drunk this diwali

7. You are more likely to be killed by "peaceful" political demonstrations than by your favorite distilled beverage.

6. Fun drinking game: Everytime you see the words Diwali Special on your TV screen, gulp down a shot of tequila.

5. Thanks to the financial crisis, liver transplants that use livers sourced from the Philippines are now 10% cheaper.

4. Do it for the kids. See, If I drink all the vodka I can get my hands on, there will be none left for the kids. That's what all good role models should do.

3. Two words: Sarah Palin.

2. We were finally able to send some clunkety old machine to the moon on our own. Suck on it, China. We namba one.

1. Seriously, do you think I need a reason?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

America, stop showing your buttcrack and pull up your pants

Halo, America. Long time no see. I guess you and we (the rest of the world) aren't really getting along. We have tried. Believe us, we have. We gave that buffoon you call a President every chance to do the right thing. And as usual, he ended up with his head up his own arse.

Listen, big guy, you can't really wash your hands of your responsibility. You won the effing cold war, so by default, you are now supposed to be the one remaining superpower in the whole world. It's time you act like it and drop your whole schoolyard-bully shtick.

I understand power got to your head. Happens to the best of us. I bully my pets too. But you need to understand that you need to grow up a little. When you screw up, the rest of the world has to pay, like the old ancient Chinese proverb says, You broke it, we bought it. In other words, when you don't have a bowl of chicken soup, the world gets a cold.

It's time for you to be guided in the right direction. So clean your room, wear some clean underwear, have your glass of milk and vote an intelligent person into the office of the your President.

Choose Obama. He's smart, he's educated, he's articulate and he won't steal your wallet. Make a sensible decision for once in your lifetime. Remember all your great leaders. JFK. Bill Clinton. George Clooney. Do it for them. Just think how nice it would be to have a President who can pronounce the word nuclear Or knows how to eat a pretzel.

Let's face it, America. We are angry at you but we love you. Without you we would neither have anything good to watch on TV nor would we have any Internet Porn. Although the Germans make porn too but you can never understand whether they are saying "Daddy's little girl" or "Heil Hitler". Kind of confusing. Ruins the whole mood.

We can't bear to watch you continuing to dig yourself in a deep hole.
You clearly require some sort of intervention. So let me put things in terms you can understand.

See, a Barack Obama administration will be like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. It's going to start out good and although everyone will lose their way in the middle, it'll always end on a happy note. A John McCain administration will be like an episode of Sex & the City. You don't really know what to expect but you can be sure that someone is going to get screwed during the process.

Look, all we're saying is be sensible. If you elect another folksy dumb fuck for President, the rest of the world is going to break up with you. Fo shizzle.

You know, to show how much we care, we'll even sweeten the deal for ya. We promise, henceforth, not to call ya dumbass Americans anymore. At least for a while, anyway. Hell, we won't say anything even if we see one of those cowboy boots wearing Texans who think a framed cow's ass is a conversational piece. It'll be hard, but we're ready to make that sacrifice.

Just do a little something you've not done for a while.


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Loose ends

Thursday was the big debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Although pundits called the debate a draw, Sarah Palin proved to the world that she is ready to lead. Ready to lead the next season of Sesame Street.

I'm not saying she was bad at the debate, but her brother, the teacher of a third grade class in an elementary school in Alaska, gave her an "F".

Closer home, the Tata's moved their Nano project from Singur, thanks to the protests led by Ms Mamta Baneerjee. In fact, while the Tata's are welcomed to other states with a red carpet of cheap real estate and tax cuts, Ms Banerjee still remains in a state of denial.

India and the US are finally going to sign the nuclear deal. The left is still visibly upset. In fact, today Prakash Karat withdrew support for his wife's new dressing table and everytime a reporter on any news channel mentions the nuclear-power deal, Sitaram Yechury does a tequila shot.

Nokia is about to release it's real answer to the iPhone. In fact, not only does the new nokia phone have all the bells and whistles the iPhone has, it also does your taxes, sends your girlfriend flowers everytime you screw up and finds you an empty parking spot during peak hours. In fact, the Sarah Palin edition of the phone even detects and kills witches withing a three mile radius.

Health minister Ramados is happy that his nationwide smoking ban is now in place. He says his next target is alcohol. This is all part of his "Suck all the fun out of life" strategy.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

There is so much love in this country that it kills me

Someone asked me the other day why most shows on our television are crash & burn shows like Jerry Springer or tear fests like Oprah. He meant that why are all the happy people on our television white or African American? At that time I was too drunk to answer so I just shrugged and had another drink. It's not something you'd like to answer when you are five minutes away from passing out.

However, since I do have a hangover right now, and have had multiple cups of coffee, I think I'm mentally ready to provide answers to great sociological question mankind is curious about.

The reason why we love to see people cry and suffer is simple: We really hate each other.

I know you're going to hate me (what's new about that) for saying this, but let's face facts.

We hate each other and love to see each other suffer. In fact, we hate each other so much, we'll kill our countrymen at the drop of a hat.

Don't pray to my God, well, let me send you to yours.
I don't like your surname, can I kill you?
Didja look at my daughter in a funny way even though you're blind? No sweat, but can I break all the bones in your body?
I hate the drapes in your living room. It's a crime against fashion, bitch. You deserve to go to hell.

We can't see anybody happy. Our neighbors, our work colleagues, our friends, famous people, random people on the street etc.

We don't have debates and discussions in our country. If people don't agree with each other, they simply kill each others children. It's a simple and effective way to get your point across and it keeps the population in check.

All those rights about freedom of choice or religion mentioned in our constitution are just extracts from a boring story book. It's not about who's right or who's wrong. It's about who can spend more money to hire a mob of people.

No, no. Don't get me wrong. We do respect an individual's right to choose as long as he chooses what we think is right for him.

In fact, sometimes, if we don't agree with our children, we kill them too. After all we know what's best for those ungrateful basteds.

So tonight, when you do go to sleep, remember, sleep with one eye open. Because watcha gonna do, when they come for you?

Okay. Wrong song. But you get the picture, right?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Stupid & Clueless: The Sarah Palin Story

Let's talk about foreign policy. So Gov. Palin, you have been quoted by various media sources saying that you have foreign policy experience because Alaska shares a border with Russia. That's a joke, right?

Err. Ummm. Okay then. It wasn't a joke. You really meant it. Hey you know what, using the same logic, let's say I just read a book. So that must mean that I am a world renowned author. Like Yay.

Okay, so this whole bailout thing. What the hell are they talking about?

Right. Thanks for clearing that up, Governor. Your clarity of thought is mesmerizing.

This explains why SNL sketch is so funny even though it used your ACTUAL quotes.

Okay. Maybe bringing in Grandpa would make things a little bit better.

Ummm ... Sadly, that makes things worse. McCain looks like his head was about to explode. But he also cracked a joke, right? I didn't get it. Maybe because I'm not a maverick.

Anyways, all I have to say, is that if this pair wins on Nov 4, my advice to all the people living in America would be: Run, Baby, Run.