Friday, January 30, 2009

Give war a chance . . .

Indonesia declares War on "Hindu" Yoga

Following the lead of their wonderful and secular neighbours Malaysia, the clerics in Indonesia issued a fatwa against Yoga. Apparently, they took this decision after they saw Shilpa Shetty's latest Yoga DVD.

Sri Ram Sena declares War on Women

In a shocking and deplorable incident last week, on the eve of Republic Day, a large number of men who have nothing better to do in their life, except pick on people having fun, bullied and beat up four women in a Manglore city pub. The president of their cult later released a statement saying that "If people think that the Taliban are the only people who can use force to espouse sixth century values then they got another thing coming". Then he went back home to beat his wife for daring to lift her head while talking to him.

Rajathan CM declares War on Shopping

Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot has come out strongly against the mall "culture" and said that hormonal young adults holding each other's hand while trying to buy a T-Shirt which says "Just Do It" is against Rajasthan's traditions. He added that he was all for upholding tradition. The tradition of underage girls getting married to men old enough to be their grandfather while their family goes into huge debt for her wedding dowry which they keep trying to pay for the rest of their life. Tradition which makes you warm and glowy inside.

..... And so does the Karnataka Chief Minister

The chief minister of Karnataka has promised the people in his state that he would not let "pub culture" grow. In a statement, he added that he and his party are in no way affiliated with the Sri Ram Sena, but would still like to "stop young people from drinking the alcohol and engaging in the sexual intercourse and having the inter-caste children".

NDTV declares War on Blogging

In what many hail as a win for free speech, poor & defenseless NDTV has forced a big mean blogger to withdraw and apologize for posting his opinion on his own blog. Sources who in no way are close to NDTV or any of it's affiliates told us that this is part of their plan to strike fear in the hearts of everyone who holds an opinion and wants to share it with a few dozen like minded people. Our sources also tell us about NDTV's plan to take over the world. We would have said more but our lips are sealed. By a court order.

MNS declares War on things of Pakistani origin

In an ultimate show of patriotism, the MNS made the owner of Karachi Sweet Shop change the name of his UnIndian and traitoresque shop to something more Indian. In fact, the owner of the shop even dared to complain to the Bombay police. Luckily, in the holy tradition of Indian democracy, the police "advised" the sweet shop owner to follow suit with the MNS diktat. This is another applause-worthy move by the MNS after banning books by Pakistani authors and sending self proclaimed comedians back to where they belong. No word yet on whether eating Lahori Meat is patriotic or not.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The real George Bush farewell speech

So, tomorrow, by this time, America will have a new President, our generation will have it's JFK (or Clinton?) and Iran will have a new picture to burn and direct it's anger at.

Finally, as the world breathes a sigh of relief, the Bush years come to an end.

So, as a special favor for our unflinching support, President Bush had his speechwriter, Forth grader Debra McBride from Crawford Texas send us the first draft of his farewell speech for us. As he loves to say, it seems that our childrens are really learning.

Fellow citizens: For eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your part time Decider and part time comedian president. The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence — specially for Iraq and Afghanistan. a time set apart. Tonight, with a thankful heart, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the journey that we have traveled together, and the future of our nation Which I tried my best to ruin.

Ten, Nine, Oh it's not a countdown?Five days from now, the world will witness the vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding mothers? cowboys? the village people??? let's keep it as a TBD, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by you, the American people and not the wall street banks, Big oil companies, big tobacco and the Florida Supreme court. Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose history reflects the enduring promise of our land. This is a moment of hope and pride for our whole nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to President-elect Obama, his wife Michelle, and their two beautiful girls.

Tonight I am filled with gratitude — to Vice President Cheney Specially for not shooting me in the face and members of my administration most of whom are either dead or writing a book exposing my administration; to Laura, who brought joy to this house and love to my life and who never used big words while talking to me; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna for not getting knocked up; to my parents, whose examples have provided strength for a lifetime. And above all, I thank the American people for the trust you have given me. I thank you for the prayers that have lifted my spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of courage, generosity and grace that I have witnessed these past eight years mostly in the innocent people my administration has tortured.

As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. But I never did. Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nationexcept on Sundays when I received briefings from Jesus himself. Or some crazy pastor who hates the gays.. I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe even if I needed to invade every country with oil reserves.

Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security has been created so that "random" brown people can be felt up at airports all over the country. The military, the intelligence community I use the word intelligence loosely and the FBI have been transformed into drive in McDonalds. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor the terrorists' movements Al Jazeera, freeze their finances by making sure money doesn't have value anymore and we are back to using the barter system and break up their plots. And with strong allies at our side No one says kickass more than Algeria and Uganda, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them except those who support them in Pakistan. Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al-Qaida and stoned women in the streets to a nation where the Taliban throw acid on the faces of woman who try to go to school or to work and where Al-Qeada has grown stronger young democracy that is fighting terror and encouraging girls to go to school. Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an subsidiary of Haliburton Arab democracy at the heart of the Middle East and a friend of the United States a Friend who we would never invite over for Dinner. But a friend nonetheless.

There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions. But there can be little debate about the results Everyone except Sarah Palin agree that I fucked up majorlythese were. America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. This is a tribute to those who toil night and day to keep us safe — law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States Armed Forces except the Gay ones. The gay ones make us weak. Or at least that's what my pastor tells me.

The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems rich and poor. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideologyI'm looking at you , Rev Warren. The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God, and that liberty and justice light the path to peace also torturing innocent people. What? I'm just saying.

This is the belief that gave birth to our nation that and a need for a local Starbucks. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens Although we might have jumped the shark. When people live in freedom, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror Unless they are forced by the US Supreme court. When people have hope in the future, they will not cede their lives to violence and extremism. So around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights and human dignity Once it woks in the rest of the world, we will try it in America. We're standing with dissidents and young democracies, providing AIDS medicine to dying patients which usually cost an arm and a liver — to bring dying patients back to life just like we bring back Dick Cheney everytime he has a heart attack, and sparing mothers and babies from malaria Was I the only one who saw Slumdog Millionare?. And this great republic born alone in liberty is leading the world toward a new age when freedom belongs to all nations except if they have oil. Then they belong to us. Tee hee.

For eight years, we've also strive to expand opportunity and hope here at home Specially if they are bankers. Across our country, students are rising to meet higher standards in public schools they can now write their own name. I can't even do that!. The addicted and suffering are finding new hope through faith-based programs Just like I did. Although I find it easier to talk to God when I am high. Vulnerable human life is better protected specially since I took away Dick Cheney's gun. Funding for our veterans has nearly doubled. America's air and water and lands are measurably cleaner if by cleaner you mean full of dead bodies of people who dared to cross the mob. And the federal bench includes wise new members like my former nanny Justice Sam Alito and my former gardener Chief Justice John Roberts.

It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your president. There have been good days and tough days but most of them were bad days. But every day I have been inspired by the greatness of our country, and uplifted by the goodness of our people . I have been blessed to represent this nation we love The great state of Texas. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other — Chief Cheerleader - a title I earned in my college days citizen of the United States of America .

And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time: Good night Please stop celebrating for at least a minute. May God bless this house and our next president Do you know he's black?. And may God bless you and our wonderful country. Thank you Colnel Sanders.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Gaza: It's deja vu all over again

The situation at Gaza has begun to worsen day by day. And since no one wants to give peace a chance, we at Overated Outcast gave various individuals and entities a chance to provide a solution to this huge humanitarian crisis.

The Hillary Clinton Solution: Israel and Palestine become the 51st and 52nd states of the United States of America. Then they award all their delgates to Hillary, who then goes to the supreme court to recall Obama and voila, say halo to Madam President Clinton.

The Sarah Palin solution (in her own words): Oh, gosh darnit you people. Say it isn't so. Now listen here. Y'all stop fighting and accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour. And everything will just be a-okay. You betcha!! Doggone it.

The Asif Ali Zardari solution: War? There is no war. It's just that a single poor Israeli solider was caught in the cross fire between two farmers who were cheating on each others goats. Nothing major. It's all good. The Hamas led Palestine government has nothing to do with it. It's just it's militant arm, a totally non-state actor, which is causing all the rukus. No war. Everything is fine. Couldn't be better.

The Nicolas Sarkozy solution: Why don't ze all of you get a haut wife like I did and have sex weed her ze whole day long?

The Satyam solution: Convince the Hamas leaders that due to the wonders of modern techlogy, you have been able to build more land beyond the gaza strip. And that you would hand it over to them for a token sum of $1 billion. Once you have all their money, leave immediately and let the Israelis handle all the questions.

The Afganistan solution: You know what will bring peace to gaza and the rest of the world? Our all new bitchin Nan. It's yummy stuffing consists of half of the choicest goat's balls and half of the head of an infidel. It's full of energy and will help you beat your wife the whole day long. Please note that we do weddings and Burqa parties. Contact your nearest Taliban office.

The Oprah solution: Less killing and more hugging people. And everybody gets their bombshelled house redone by Nate Berkus. And a free copy of the next fraud author we pick for the Oprah book club.

The Deve Gowda solution: Why don't we all retrace our steps back to our beds & hammocks and just take a nap? Anyone? No? Just hear me talk for a few minutes. You'll enter a self induced coma. Trust me.

The Dick Cheney solution: Hey, why are you girls fighting each other? You do know you got no oil, right?

The Guns N Roses solution: Dunno about that right now, but would come up with a solution within the next eighteen years. P.S. Need some cocaine, ASAP.

The Armageddon solution: Do whatever you're doing right now, and when you finally end up killing each other, Iran can use Gaza as a concert venue.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

. . . And the stupid shall inherit the earth

Somethings make you wonder, why are we so stupid in our country most of the time? Why can't we be the funny and smart date for once?

Is it the food? Is it because a lot of people are vegetarian? Or it's the sex deprivation? Or like that alien video in a old movie, the stupidity travels from one person to another in the form of India TV?

What is it, exactly?

I read an article yesterday that Mr Mumbai himself, Sir Raj Thackrey, has issued a "fatwa" banning Pakistani books from bookstores in Bombay. And the books have been removed. Well, because mostly bookshop owners do not want to see all their nice, shiny new books torn and thrown on the ground. So they promise to bring the two books by Pakistani authors back sometime in the future.

Mind you, there is no official ban. That's because the Maharashtra government is busy trying to, well, errr, ummm, write scripts for Ram Gopal Varma movies?. Just like the UP government is busy building lots of statues and the Tamil Nadu government is busy trying to launch TV channels and the Bengal government is busy trying to fight an opposition who wants to teach old commies a thing or two about being a commie. The Delhi government is busy trying to figure out how it won the election and no one has told Vasundhra Raje that she ain't the Rajasthan Chief Minister anymore. Oh, and the Gujrat government is trying to get the last available spot on Roadies.

Do we really want to turn into that 70's country? Aren't we supposed to be the mature one? At least internationally. We all know the real truth (nudge nudge, wink wink). Aren't we the agony aunt all our neighbors come crying to when they are bullied in some international body or another? Although nobody really listens to us because they treat us like a step-grandmother, who although means well, is somehow always misunderstood.

Let's face it. We share our borders with mostly schizophrenic and dellusional countries. China may have the greatest economy in the world now, but write one blog post criticizing the government and they have you tortured, jailed and booked for life before you can even say Kung Pao Chicken. Nepal has more political parties than actual seats in it's parliament. Bangladesh keeps producing more and more underage Kolkatta sex workers and Sri Lanka just wants to get the overseas rights of all Rajni movies. Then there is Pakistan. Whose current state reminds me of the tagline of an old show Drew Carrey used to produce. Whose line is it anyway? - The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

Don't we get it? We are the only country keeping this place sane. Well, sort off. We are like the only member of a boyband who can actually sing. Or the playboy bunny who doesn't sleep with Hugh Hefner or like the Micheal Corleone character from The Godfather right before he kills Captain McCluskey and Virgil Sollozo.

I know mob lynching everything we don't like sounds super-duper fun, but let's leave the sixth century censorship to others.

Point is that if we turn psycotic and stupid too, where will really poor and cheap tourists from North America and Europe go for vacations and spritual blow jobs?


(p.s. In case you're wondering, I don't get paid to promote tourism in Thailand. Or anywhere else for that matter. I don't get paid at all. Period. I do all this for free. It's mostly a social service.)