A District Attorney in New York Arrested a Diplomat for Visa Fraud. You will Never Guess What Happened Next!

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

The past few weeks have been really distressing for those of us who like to think of themselves as ‘Americaphiles.’ We have been betrayed, left saddened and made to feel unwanted by someone we used to fondly refer to as Uncle Sam. By arresting Devyani Khobragade for the crime of simply being an Indian, they have unintentionally let us know what they really think of us. And from where we’re sitting, it doesn’t look pretty.

Various interests group have turned Devyani Khobragade into a symbol of their pre-formed beliefs. To some, the furore over Devyani’s arrest seems like a representation of everything that is wrong with India’s elites. They declare that the reason the establishment is acting out is because someone dared to treat them like “a normal,” and not like the precious gift that they are. They proclaim that since most members of the elite have been allowed to get away with breaking the law in their own country, they don’t understand why another country wouldn’t accord them the same privilege. Being given special consideration is their birthright and they shall have it!

Of course, the people accusing the country’s decision making apparatus of overreacting couldn’t be more wrong. Obviously, the real symbol in the whole hullaballoo is Sangeeta Richards. She is what is wrong with the country. She did not for once think about all the things Devyani had done for her! Would anyone else have taken her to New York? I bet that Sangeeta was probably the first member of her family to even see the inside of an International airport. And Devyani provided her with everything! She didn’t even charge Sangeeta market rates for all the calls made to India. She just automatically deducted a small amount of money from Sangeeta’s salary. Not because Devyani couldn’t afford to pay for Sangeeta’s calls. Not at all! She was teaching her the value of money. How else would have Sangeeta learned how important money is since she probably spent her whole life without having much of it? Devyani also gave Sangeeta all her clothes that she wasn’t using anymore. Some of them were almost brand new, or worn only a couple of times. Do you think Sangeeta could afford a Dior? Ha! Not with what Devyani paid her, for sure! It is clear that Sangeeta did this for a green card. She saw all those buildings visible from Devyani’s New York residence and got greedy. If only Devyani hadn’t relaxed the ‘no going outside at all’ rule she had for Sangeeta out of the goodness of her heart, none of this would have happened.

The Americans made a huge mistake by arresting Devyani. They can deny us access to the mastermind behind one of the major terrorist attacks in our country. They can even invade the privacy of millions of our citizens and access all their private information. But, arresting one of our own for violating the rule of law in their country? That is taking things too far! I blame Preet Bharara, the District Attorney handling her case, for detonating this diplomatic time bomb. What sort of name is “Preet Bharara” anyway? What is he, an appetizer in an Indian restaurant in New York’s Meatpacking District? Although, one day, I’d really like to meet his twin brother, Preet Changezi. Is this how he treats a citizen from the country of his birth? After all we’ve done for Bharara! Sure, if his parents had stayed in India, he’d not have gotten most (or any) of the opportunities that he has had, but that is not the point! We gave him a name that is not only familiar but also sounds exotic at the same time. That must be come in handy during election time. We gave him a lifelong love of the law by ensuring that his actual place of birth was a lawless wasteland. We even gave him a huge vote bank of Americans of Indian origin by making certain that the only way they could be successful was to go to foreign shores. And this is how he repays us?

Mr. Bharara put Devyani in jail. With common criminals! Is this how they treat important people in the so-called ‘oldest democracy in the world?’ Maybe Mr. Bharara and his cohorts should come to India to learn how to treat people of stature who might be suspected of committing or have been convicted of committing a crime. We give them the respect they deserve and the resources they are used to. Make them feel like they’re not in jail, but at home. And we don’t let them mix with the riffraff in any circumstances. Regular jail is for people without any connection to someone important. Only an unpatriotic person would disagree with this arrangement.

So we did what we had to do to put the Americans in their place. We hit them where it really hurts! First we unfriended them on Facebook. Then, we cancelled their licences for importing liquor and afterwards, we got rid of all the barricades outside their embassy. That’ll teach them! Now, they will think twice before messing with us. Although, if it were up to me, I would have taken more stringent measures. Like putting up a huge statue of Edward Snowden giving the finger right opposite the US Embassy in New Delhi. We could force them to use only the Vodafone 3G network to try to access the internet. Or give them free tickets to an exclusive screening of the new hobbit movie, block all the exits once all of them are inside the theatre, and then play Dhoom 3 instead.

However, the most important and inspiring lesson of the series of events was lost in all the noise. And it is that as long as you know someone who matters, you can do anything you want. The world is literally your oyster.

And don’t you ever forget that.

Now please excuse me as I explain to my indentured servants why rising prices mean that their salaries would have to be cut in half.

Keep Calm and Wank On

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Time stood still as the process to anoint its new lord began. Gunfire informed all the commoners that they now had a new master. Celebrations broke out all over the kingdom and the various realms of the commonwealth. The peasants broke into spontaneous cheer while the royals allowed a hint of a smile to appear on their face. The animal kingdom too was awash with the news of their new protector. The fauna all over the land turned green with delight. The sun, the moon and every other celestial body bowed to their future ruler. A new heir, succeeding a long line of outstanding luminaries, would take his rightful place as the chosen one, leading his people to new heights.  But enough about the appointment of the new Doctor Who!

Speaking of appointment by royal decree, whenever a vacant position in Britain is not filled by shadow chancellor Ed Balls, her majesty the queen personally chokes the life out of a corgi. If there really was a god, Ed would be elected the next Prime Minister of Britain. I’m no economist – even though I once ruined a party by constantly talking about the law of diminishing averages – but even I’m pretty sure that the only thing that will save Britain’s economy is making Ed Balls the Prime Minister. Just think of the tourism revenues! Also, he’d be able to get favourable agreements from leaders of foreign countries because they’d want something to quench their guilt after they impolitely laughed while addressing him. (Hey, you try saying “Welcome Mr. Balls” or “Presenting His Excellency, Prime Minister Balls” with a straight face.) Plus, he’s a bloke’s bloke! You can’t get more bloke-y than having “Balls” as your last name. That’s like a magician called “Cast A Spell” or a terrible cricket player called “Albert Hit Wicket.”  

Speaking of Prime Ministers, what’s up with Britain’s ‘Tony Blair 2.0,’ David Cameron? He continues to burnish his reputation as a wanker without a stiffy by threatening to pass a law banning all pornography on the internet. Just like national security is used as a backdoor to spying on all citizens, Cameron is using his crusade against child pornography to ban all sorts of pornography. That should end well! I didn’t even know Cameron was a graduate of ‘The Kapil Sibal International Institute of Thought Control.’ Apparently, he passed out with five eyebrows, their highest honour. Good luck in keeping horny teenagers (and hornier adults) away from pornography, Speaking from experience, if vigilant parents who know how to use a computer, slow dial-up connections which took an hour to download a single jpeg and password protected pornography sites couldn’t keep them away, then your silly law isn’t going to be able to do that either. Also, if you ban pornography then how will all of her majesty’s subjects look at pictures of Prince Harry? It seems like the only reason David Cameron is so intent on banning pornography is because he doesn’t want people to look at pictures of his face and figure out that he’s a huge asshole. 

Speaking of not letting people in through the backdoor, Cameron’s government also introduced a law – that goes into effect in November – which allows British Embassies in developing countries to ask people planning to enter Britain to deposit a small fortune with them as ‘security.’ Because if there is one thing Britain is good at, it’s returning things to their rightful owner. Hey David, if all those laws that penalise people for ‘flying while brown’ couldn’t keep us out, if being treated like sub-human entities by our own national airlines couldn’t keep us out, if being duped by hundreds of people pretending to get us a legitimate visa couldn’t keep us out, then your silly little law wouldn’t be able to do that either. Also, you started it. If your ancestors hadn’t come to our shores and seduced us with their gunpowder and fancy words for going to the loo, we wouldn’t have to come to your shores and participate in the secret operation to turn Trafalgar Square into an extension of Karol Bagh. The only thing that can keep us out is if your economy turns into shite. Which, to be fair, is something you personally seem determined to achieve.

Speaking of racist people with repressed sexual urges, the good folks at the economist – Britain’s #1 source of empire nostalgia – recently discovered another problem with immigrants. Apparently, Indian billionaires are participating in ‘reverse colonialism’ by buying up all the expensive real estate in Mayfair while spending all their dirty money at Harrods. Yes, because that is what colonialism was all about! Shopping! Not decimating the local population’s indigenous industry and stealing all their natural resources while selling them your overpriced junk. Nope! Neither was destroying their identity and making them feel like second class citizens in their own home. That was just some wild rumour spread by some ungrateful natives! Aren’t you glad we got all that cleared up now?

Speaking of being a presumptuous douchebag, one shouldn’t generalize a whole country based on the crimes of a few. Unless of course, one is talking about immigrants from Bangladesh. Those people come here, take our low-paying jobs, vote in our elections and overcrowd our fledging social services.

If only there was some way we could penalize them for overstaying their welcome.

A Tale of Two Thackerays

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Last week, the country lost a man of great influence. A man who ended up changing the politics of his home state forever. A man who didn’t need to win an election to make the government apparatus bend to his diktats. But enough about Ponty Chadha!

In a just world, the demise of such an important man would be all everyone would focus on. However, if you turned on the teevee, all you heard about was the death of an old, obscure politician called Bal Thackeray. News anchors couldn't stop talking about how great this man was.  Even Arnab Goswami, who shows his independence by interrupting politicians of all political parties, suspended his usual persona to show us his gentle side. You could see that he was holding back his own tears while he was talking about the passing of this great messiah. After all, this was the person on whom Arnab had based the character he plays every night on India’s #1 variety comedy show, Times Newshour. In fact, perhaps for the first time in its history, everyone on Indian television seemed to be in agreement that the country had indeed lost its most magnanimous leader. Perhaps such a tragedy merits such unifying gestures. Even the members of the Hindi Film Industry – a group of people who cannot even agree on a name for their industry – were steadfast and united in their praise for the departed. The last time India had been united like this, Emperor Ashok was earning his stripes and establishing his candidacy for lending his name to the National Emblem. If there was any doubt to his greatness, would millions of people gathered for his funeral? If there is anything history has taught us it’s that if millions of people worship a person, he can never be evil.

I then realized that I should get out of my ignorant stupor and use the Google machine to find out more about such a dear leader. But I was shocked and astounded! There was no mention of the Bal Thackeray everyone was talking about on teevee. But there was lots of information about another person named Bal Thackeray, who lived in Mumbai too and wasn’t the omnipotent force for good that the our Bal Thackeray was. In fact, I couldn’t find any information about the original Bal Thackeray. The person Pritish Nandy called one of his ‘finest friends’ with whom he could always enjoy great conversation along with a warm glass of beer and whose death made Lata Mangeshkar feel orphaned. Someone seemed to have scrubbed all the archives of the news reports which point towards the contributions made by the original Bal Thackeray to the development of the country that his supporters evangelize about.

Though I must admit that reading about what Bal Thackeray’s namesake had been upto was quite a horrifying experience. He appears to have used Balasahab’s name to create a boilerplate for anyone who wants to rule through hatred and fear. Start by creating ‘an other’ by misleading a large group of people (united only through a single attribute which they share due to the accident of birth) into believing how their share of happiness is being stolen by another large group of people (united only through an attribute which they share due to the accident of birth). Pretend to be the messiah who will save them from this group and their usurping tendencies. Beat some members of the villainous group but do nothing to help your so-called own people.  Insulate yourself from any criticism by convincing people that anyone who dares to question you is insulting not only the proud traditions of your people, but is spitting on the legacy of the great ancient king himself and must be put down like the diseased-ridden animal they are. Lather, rinse and repeat.

Bal Thackeray is not dead. He will live through every instance of an innocent teenager being arrested for daring to share his opinion on the Internet. He will live through each time a mob ransacks a home/office/clinic because they didn’t like what the people residing/working there said. He will live through every work of art which is prevented from being shown to the public because it hurt someone’s made up sentiments. He will live through every filmmaker who goes to the house of a politician with an apology for their supposed transgression and a request to call off their goons.

Bal Thackeray made sure Gotham city will always have a Bane.

Along with a lot of dark nights.

Dude, Where’s My Patron?

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

As the festival of lights screeched its way into the calendar like a rogue firecracker, the city of Delhi got ready to say goodbye to the scorching summer and welcome the wavering winter by decking up its houses in different shades of lights. The ones belonging to minimalists were decorated like they were being prepared for a showroom opening, the dreamers had decorated their houses like they were characters out of a YashRaj movie and the large dwellings housing the extra enthusiastic were decorated with enough lights to power an entire solar system.

Of course, winter in Delhi also means another seasonal session of Parliament. Our MPs get together for a few days next month for another epic wastage of taxpayer money. Recently, we were provided with a preview of things to come when the leader of the opposition and potential prime ministerial candidate (pro tip: if a member of the BJP is able to breathe, then they’re a Prime Ministerial candidate) gave a speech specifying her legislative priorities. If on any day of the session her party sticks around for more than ten minutes before rushing to the ‘well of the house',’ she plans to introduce bills penalising those who dare to defy her religion by referencing names of mythological characters in movies and on teevee. She also talked about protecting cows from being slaughtered. The last time she was in the news for strongly advocating a policy position, she had demanded that the Bhagavad Gita be made the national book, after a small court in Siberia was entertaining a petition to ban it. Seems like she really has her pulse on the important issues of the day!

Now, Mrs. Swaraj is neither joining PETA nor appearing on the cover of Vogue wearing a saffron fedora anytime soon. These are the issues she talks about because she knows that these are the sort of issues that are going to get people to talk about her. She has to be seen doing something! You think talking about child malnutrition or illiteracy is going to get her on prime-time? She knows her constituency well. They’re going to be quite happy that she’s pissing off the asshole secularists by trying to legislate a belief that exists solely because some dude said something hundreds of years ago. Holy foolproof argument, batman!

Anyway, we don’t elect our politicians to lead. We elect them to be patrons. We want extra gas connections, free colour teevees and subsidised prices. Get your 'sound economic policies’ off my lawn.

We don’t need a government run by professionals who know what they’re talking about. That is why we ended up with an environment minister who thought global warming was a hoax and a health minister who thought that late night teevee was the best method of birth control. We’re happy enough if the government is being run by someone with whom we can establish some sort of kinship. Like in UP, where the two main parties spend all their time in government avenging “their people.” One of the first thing Mayawati does after taking office is to transfer anyone with the last name ‘Yadav’ holding positions of consequence in the police or the bureaucracy to posts which are considered as ‘punishments,’ replacing them with her people. Then whenever Mulayam wins back power, one of the first things he does is to transfer those people back. 

Elected officials - whether they are in the ruling party or the opposition, whether they are an MP, MLA ,a member of the municipal corporation or local panchayat - can do a lot to change the lives of their constituents. But most of our elected officials are not there to do real things. They have favours to payback and coffers to fill. If they spend their time in office learning about the issues that actually affect people, when will they find time to earn enough kickbacks to be able to pay for the next election campaign?

And no one really bothers to burden our ‘lawmakers’ by asking them questions about policy. The latest ‘comeback kid’ of Indian politics, amateur comedian Laloo Prasad Yadav has been getting lots of coverage lately. Most of the articles focus on the fact that he’s making jokes at his rallies again, which, for some reason, translates into him becoming a strong contender to win back the state! Having lost a number of elections doesn’t mean that Prasad has to now offer specific solutions to people’s problem. That would be silly thing to do! Instead, he has generously offered to award the chief ministerial post to a member of any caste, should he win the next election. Who wouldn’t like to elect such a progressive leader?

Now please excuse me while I courier my local MP my proposed thousand page draft bill that bans the use of the word “chillax.”

Let’s just hope he can read?

Don’t break my glass house, bro!

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Everybody’s favourite failed state and South Asia’s #1 source of terrorism and the sort of music which makes you want to rip your heart out, throw it in the air and shoot it with an AK-47 just to make yourself feel better, was having a ‘crisis of democracy’ again. Pakistan has had more crises of democracy than the number of dossiers the Indian government has sent them.

The Pakistani Supreme Court thought that the best way to preserve democracy was to kick it in the nuts and bloody it’s face with a sledgehammer. Prime Ministerial careers were dying faster than a North Korean rocket. Just like a superhero franchise losing popularity, Pakistan rebooted its government and appointed a new – allegedly corrupt – Prime Minister. What are the odds! If a guy who looks like Ratan Tata mated with Killer Khalsa cannot restore the trust of the people in democracy, I don’t know who can.

Speaking of failed states, Greece, the birthplace of democracy and toga parties, also got over it’s weird Nazi phase and elected a semi-coherent government. Since the new government is made of coalition partners diametrically opposed to each other, this bodes well for the Euro. Because if there is one thing coalition governments are good at, it’s taking tough, unpopular decisions.

Which brings us to Egypt. For the first time in modern history, Egypt has an almost-popularly elected President who is not beholden to the army. Since he belongs to the Muslim Brotherhood, right wing nutjobs all over the world are wetting their pants in both fear and gleeful anticipation depending on their chosen theocracy of allegiance. Are you saying that a ruthless dictator supported by the United States who was lording over a middle eastern country with an iron hand and who – among other things suppressed religion, and was overthrown by a revolution led by young people – has been replaced by religious parties? If only history had given us some indication that this would happen!

People presume that just because they ‘liked’ that photo of all the people gathered in Tahir Square and re-tweeted actual revolutionaries, that they have a say in who Egypt elects as President. They don’t! It’s like we’re telling them, Hey Egypt, you can have a democratically elected President as long as we get to approve who it is! Even if the new government goes south very soon, having had even a small say in the policies of the government which lords over them is a big step. The old system is not going to give way so easily. And democracy is not something you get right from the get-go. You’re always striving to be better at it. Democracy is the ability to choose which road you want to pave with your good intentions while you lazily saunter towards hell.

Back home in India, we still continue to try different combinations even after sixty four years. Our current head of government is a man who started playing ‘statue’ when he was five years old and till this day ignores everyone who asks him to ‘stop.’ The last President of America did not know his way around a pretzel. Democracy in Pakistan has had more false starts than a Scooter manufactured in the 80’s. Even people in Greece behave like amateurs when you send them to the voting booth. 

Dictatorships are like the iPhone. They may look good and have a controlled environment nearing perfection, but the slave labour required to achieve such a state remains invisible. Democracy is like Android. It’s messy, it’s chaotic, and nobody who makes it agrees with each other and it’s always in need of improvement.

Electing religious parties to government is not all that bad. Many countries have had governments led by parties which have religion deeply embedded into their DNA. It’s not like these governments started killing members of other . . .  

Uh-oh.

Be afraid, Egypt.

Be very afraid.

India’s own private Idaho

(A version of this appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

One of the most difficult tasks in today’s world is to get politicians to take a stand on something, especially politicians running the UPA government. Getting the UPA government to take a stand on something is like trying to impregnate the statue of David. They are so neutral on every issue they make the Swiss look like Fox News. Even on the most obvious of issues, all you can get from them is the perennial why-cant-we-all-get-along plea of a wounded kangaroo trying to save her child from being killed by a larger animal.

So when it finally happened this week, hell froze over, there were more pigs in the sky than planes belonging to Kingfisher airlines, Imams were issuing fatwas calling for treating women as equals, Pundits were eating beef on a Tuesday and the only thing Priests in the catholic church were allowing choir boys to suck on was an ice cream stick. The UPA government had finally taken a stand on something! Even though the Supreme Court had to put a gun to their head to make them do it, but it’s the thought that counts, doesn’t it? They could have pivoted to the ignorant amongst us and taken a wrong stand, but they ignored Ghulam Nabi Azad and finally spelt out their support for the Delhi High Court judgement decriminalising homosexuality.

The fact that in 2012 human rights in this country are still up for debate is appalling. We treat our LGBT population like they are another species. Until July 2009, when good sense prevailed and the Delhi High Court read down section 377, the LGBT community in this country was technically still under colonial rule. Because unlike what the bigots proclaim, the only western influence present in this debate is institutionalized homophobia. Homosexuality has existed on this planet as long as life has existed on it.

One of the most popular hobbies of Indians everywhere is discriminating against people who they perceive to be different, but nothing unites all communities like their hatred of homosexuality. Gay people in this country have achieved something that even the ‘great’ MK Gandhi couldn't achieve; get all the crazy, bigoted people on the same side of an argument. These bigots predict that since the Delhi High Court has opened the floodgates, no one will want to love anyone of the opposite sex anymore. This will result in decreased male descendants ultimately causing the untimely demise of this young, vibrant nation whose people will then disappear from the face of the earth and take with them their ancient culture, their movies, the secret recipe of Chicken Manchurian and the ability to convince users of Dell computers to buy more RAM modules every time they call in to report a faulty keyboard. And then China will take over the vast empty wasteland and turn it into a nation of four year old child factory workers making smartphones whilst facing a working environment which probably violates a few provisions of the Geneva convention.

One doesn’t flick a switch and magically turn gay. Just like you don’t change the colour of your skin no matter how many tubes of fair & lovely you use, you can’t change the sexuality you were born with, no matter how much anybody else thinks that you will find the ‘right girl.’

Some countries punish all their gay citizens with death. In some countries bigots brutally murder gay citizens while the authorities look the other way or even encourage such vigilantism. In some countries you get sent to jail on the mere suspicion of being gay. In some countries legal sanctions can be brought against you for simply talking about homosexuality. In some countries, members of the gay community are raped by society's ‘moral guardians’ under the pretext of wanting to ‘fix’ them. In some countries you can be a self-hating homophobe tricking young gay men into feeling ashamed of who they are and still be married to a candidate running for President.

In India, you will get harassed by the police, bullied by the people around you and shunned by your family. Being gay is probably the number one item in the totem pole of things that upset Indian parents. It is even above marrying a person of a different religion or having a child without getting married first. Even our pop-culture is littered with rancid homophobia. Whether it is news channels who give credence to quacks like Ramdev who claim to heal homosexuality (If he was such a miracle worker, why can’t he stop his eye from constantly winking? What, is there no yoga app for that?) or celebrities who pretend to be gay for cheap laughs on award shows or even a lot of twitter users-who escape to the moral high ground when someone famous says something homophobic-have no qualms in mining bad stereotypes for re-tweets. The so called ‘macho’ leading men in popular movies prove how tough they are by mocking exaggerated stereotypes of gay men. Dude, you just bullied someone who has probably been facing discrimination every day of his life! Congratulations, here is your bravery award! This is not just limited to ill-informed and the uneducated, though. Even erudite ‘intellectuals’ will talk about promoting gay rights and then betray their ignorance by using ‘gay’ as a pejorative.

You know who else thought it was okay to discriminate against people for who they are?

From Annapalooza to Murdochmania

(Tweitgeist is my new weekly column for the Sunday Guardian.)

Twitter! It’s basically a direct connection to your id. No matter how much you try to dress it up with witty bon mots or parsimonious prose, you can never hide your inner a**hole. This is a good thing, because, if we wanted to read saccharine updates from horrible people, we’d stick to Facebook.

Appropriately, the last week of 2011 saw the last hurrah of pro-violence Gandhian and ineligible Bachelor of the Year, Anna Hazare. Not only were people in the real world deserting him, even Twitter’s revolutionaries were leaving his sinking ship. First he came for our alcohol, then he came for the women who couldn’t breed. People were suddenly surprised that an old man whose name literally translates to “Big Brother” had some strong opinions on how other people should live and behave. Not that most Indians mind, of course. We like our Messiahs like we like our leading men in south Indian movies – old, dystopian and rumoured to possess supernatural powers.

So, while the action at Annapalooza fizzled out, Twitter India’s hopes turned from the dear leader of Ralegan Siddhi and were soon invested in the great speeches being delivered in the Rajya Sabha, the Jogger’s Park of legislative bodies. If only history had shown us – even once, Herr Reader – that making great speeches does not necessitate good policies! This euphoria turned to abject disappointment once the bill wasn’t passed. There was righteous anger about the fact that a group of people who have benefitted from a certain system are not even pretending to attempt to change that very system.

After orchestrating the drama in the Rajya Sabha over the passage of the Lokpal bill, each political party went on a media offensive, trying to usurp the high moral ground. They tried every tired excuse in the book, at one point even accusing each other of playing politics! Gasp! A political party playing politics? That has never before happened in the history of the world!

The Congress proved how serious it was to combat corruption when it made Ajit Singh — a politician whose career, rumour has it, has been like a prolonged withdrawal from the ATM — the Civil Aviation minister. The BJP showed its resolve to eradicate corruption by inducting into its UP unit ex-BSP members who even Mayawati thought were too corrupt to be around. Being judged too corrupt by Mayawati is like being called a “fundamentalist loony” by Subramaniyam Swamy. Perhaps the BJP’s ingenious plan to deny power to corrupt politicians is to make them members of the BJP. Meanwhile, Sharad & Laloo Yadav proved once again that they’re more suited to headline the terrible Archana Puran Singh variety comedy show than determine public policy.

Maybe now we can stop pretending that the Lokpal bill would have even slightly dented corruption in this country.

The Twittersphere had an auspicious start to the New Year by outraging about British television presenter and professional troll Jeremy Clarkson. Apparently he made bad jokes about not all Indians having access to hygienic washroom facilities. How dare a foreigner make mildly amusing remarks about a stark Indian reality? Also, there is no lack of washroom facilities in India. What Clarkson doesn’t realize is that in India, if you want to take a s**t, the world is your oyster. To some of our countrymen, nature is their commode. And rivers are their bidet. Who needs to be stuck in a small enclosure when you can be one with nature whilst emptying your body of all of yesterday’s toxins? It’s practically meditative! Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it, Clarkson. Stop being such a burra sahib for once.

Also this week, real life Bond villain and voicemail enthusiast Rupert Murdoch joined Twitter, ostensibly to present his side of the story. Because if there was one thing Murdoch is lacking, it’s a platform in which to present his views. After a few hours another Twitter account appeared, purporting to be his young wife and current head of security Wendi Deng. Both accounts were verified by both Twitter and Newscorp. A day later the Wendi Deng account revealed that it was a fake. Shocking! Someone on the Internet wasn’t who they said they were! Why would anyone lie on the Internet and ruin it’s sanctity? If there was any justice in the world, the Rupert Murdoch account would have been run by a gay girl from Damascus.

Huffington Post SLAMS brown people*

The Internet’s favourite do-rag, the Huffington Post, where the real housewives of Jim Carrey go to “educate” people on the dangers of getting their children vaccinated and actual writers are forced to sit in a slave shop under Arianna Huffington’s desk and write for free, encourages people to racially profile their fellow passengers while boarding a plane.

In an article published a couple of days ago, written by the wife of David “Axis of Evil” Frum, Danielle Crittenden. goes all Mike Huckabee and masks her ignorant bigotry as with “concern for her children”. Not surprising, because these days even David spends his time trying to unsuccessfully pass of as a reasonable person! 

In January and February, 2004, there was a flurry of terrorist threats against international flights between London and Paris and Washington; some flights were canceled; aircraft were grounded and searched; in one instance, F-16 fighter jets escorted a British Airways flight from Heathrow to Dulles.

In March, my husband and I took our three children on a holiday in Europe: our return flight, aboard Air France, connected through Paris' Charles de Gaulle airport. We had a three-hour layover before we could board our homebound jet to Washington-Dulles. After clearing international security and poking around the terminal for a bit, the five of us settled into benches in the empty departure lounge -- empty, that was, except for two suspicious-looking men in a bench opposite ours.

Let’s see what those suspicious men looked like:

I say suspicious because they matched almost every profile of a terrorist I'd ever read: Both looked to be about 25 or 26, of Arab descent, beards, dressed in the modern Atta traveling fashion of jeans and t-shirts. Neither had any carry-on bags for an eight-hour flight. One of the men was reading an Arabic newspaper while the other seemed twitchy -- he kept looking around, and repeatedly kept pulling out his documents from a small bag to check them over again.

So, apparently, dressing in jeans and t-shirts is now part of the terrorist garb. Why couldn't those Muslims be conspicuous and wear “Death to America” t-shirts, instead of dressing like normal, harmless white people?. Also, how dare they pretend to act like every other bored airline passenger and keep checking their documents? So what if a middle-aged white woman kept staring at them like they were terrorists? They should have simply sat there silently, and not act twitchy and roam around the lounge making fragile people shit their pants!

Gradually more passengers began filtering into the lounge as the flight departure grew closer. Then, promptly at three o'clock, the two men went over to a large window, fell to their knees and began elaborately praying to Mecca.

"That's it," I told him. "I'm not getting on this plane."

Elementary, my dear Watson! That’s a sure-fire tell-tale sign. Not only were those two wearing the latest terrorist chic, they were praying TO Mecca, instead of in the direction of Mecca, just like the Catholics pray TO the Vatican and the Jews pray TO Jerusalem!

But, hey, maybe talking to security can allay her fears?

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t!

There was a very French-looking security man: white bushy hair, a big white mustache, and a girth that suggested he enjoyed his duck confit and lunchtime Bordeaux as much as his other fellow citizens of the Republic.

Okay, now she has a problem with the French? Then, what the fuck were you doing in fucking France? If you really are so afraid of everybody, why step out of your house at all? And, seriously, being an American, the capital country of obesity, you’re going to snark on the girth of a Frenchman? Also, just because he’s fat, does that make him incapable of being a proper security guard? He has to check people’s luggage for shampoo , not run a half-marathon! I’m beginning to think this lady might have a problem with people in general!

He listened to my husband, nodded, glanced over at the two men, then came over to speak to me. I stepped away from the children, who were all preoccupied with their electronic playthings. I reported everything I'd watched and he listened gravely -- I could not tell whether he thought he was dealing with a hysterical mother or not.

"Madame, I can assure you that no aspect of security has been overlooked on this flight."

"Why are you so certain."

He smiled slightly. "Because I am privy to security measures that I cannot discuss with you. French security is not so -- ahh -- let me say it is different from American security. Let me repeat: this is a very safe flight."

Over his shoulder I watched the two men join the boarding queue: they looked actively jumpy by this point.

Yes, jumpy! That is so suspicious. Because terrorists are known to attract attention to themselves while boarding a target. This woman is so smart, my brain hurts!

My husband and I discussed it between us. He was prepared to go ahead but equally okay to cancel out of the flight if I was that nervous; I felt a little embarrassed by my fears. Then I looked at the bent line of the heads of my children, fighting imaginary enemies on their toys. Was I going to trust their fates to the assurances of an airline security guard?

"If we stayed, we could get a room at one of the airport hotels, take the train in to Paris for dinner, and return here tomorrow morning," I proposed. "That wouldn't be so bad --"

"No."

"The alternative," I continued, "would be for you to have me digging my nails into your forearm for eight hours..."

We waited for our bags to be removed from the plane. The children were delighted at this turn of events. They had never seen Paris

Bigot McGee is right! It’s all about the children. That was her only concern. This wasn’t about her at all. She just didn’t want to see any of those evil looking, jeans wearing, Mecca praying “terrorisors” to harm her children. So what if her children grow up to be brown people hating bigots too? Isn’t that what’s American conservatism is all about? Passing on your own deep-seated fear of the “others” to your children, as inheritance?

But, hey, as Racist Barbie will tell you, just because she looks at brown people in a funny way, she ain’t no racist!

Three years after the shoe-bombing incident, I experienced my own episode of terrorist profiling (and maybe that's what we should call it: not "racial" profiling but "terrorist" profiling, because the two are completely different. The latter does not arise out of irrational prejudice).

Yes, it’s not “racial” profiling if you don’t call it that. Just like if you are for “family values” & “traditional marriage” doesn’t mean you hate gay people and want them to remain second class citizens. You just want to protect your children. And it’s not that you think women have a right to make choices about their own bodies, you just love believe in the sanctity of life. I mean if God didn’t want that baby to be born, he wouldn’t have let that frat boy date rape you! It’s that simple, people! God probably has a plan for you. It might include you spending your after-life in “eternal damnation”, but hey, a plan’s a plan!

Why is that so hard to understand?

However, let’s find out what ugly fate was wrought upon all those people who were stupid enough not to say something.

The flight we had rejected landed without incident.

So that means that you’re not going to do that again right? I mean, once bitten, twice shy, right? Right?

Now, nearly seven years later, and in the wake of the Juan Williams incident, I ask myself: Would I make that same decision again?

Without question. And I hope I would still have the guts to report a troubling passenger to an airline clerk without fear that I might be branded racist.

Basically, what she’s trying to say is: I was wrong. But I’d do it again, because of terrorism!

 

* Post headline written in the style of Huffington Post articles!

[via Gawker]

Armageddon is almost here: Pakistanis in America pretending to be Indians!

According to this Reuters report, Pakistanis in America are pretending to be . . .  wait for it . . . . . wait some more . . .  . INDIANS!

"A lot of Pakistanis can't get jobs after 9/11 and now it's even worse," said Asghar Choudhri, an accountant and chairman of Brooklyn's Pakistani American Merchant Association. "They are now pretending they are Indian so they can get a job."

This news has made everyone at TImes Now come in their pants. Jinnah is rolling in his grave, and has started hitting the bottle again. Gandhi is smiling, not because he heard this news, but because he made friends with Che Guevara in freedom fighter heaven and he’s high. Nehru just shrugged and is continuously eating Lady Mountbatten’s head by telling her that he knew this day would come. And Sardar Patel is still mad at Hari Singh because WHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG TO SIGN THE DAMN THING, HARI?

Anyways, this is big news in the subcontinent, because this is even bigger than Arsenal fans trying to pass for fans of Manchester United! (Or vice versa! Or do all the kids love Chelsea these days? Real Madrid? Delhi Daredevils? Facebook United? I DON’T REALLY KNOW THESE THINGS!) or Red Sox fans cheering for the Yankees!

This is so because India and Pakistan were roommates almost six decades ago and had a really bad separation. And everyone is still bitter about it, mostly because Pakistan took India’s Kenny Chesney CD collection. EVEN THOUGH INDIA BOUGHT ALL THE CDs. And now, India is in a polygamous relationship with America and a few European countries and Pakistan is in a monogamous relationship with China, which is unhealthy because China always insists on being on top.

Anyway, this nationality switcheroo seems a bit strange, because most racist Americans (i.e. Republicans/people from Arizona) don’t know an Indian from a Pakistani. For them there are only two types of brown people. One is all those people from Burritoville, who bring up their kids, mow their lawn and sleep with their wives. Everyone else is an Ay’rab [sic], who do their taxes, make funny smelling food and watch those musical movies.

However, on this blog we are nothing but fair (snigger!), so here are some helpful tips for all those people who want to pass as a person of Indian origin living overseas:

9. Find out who Rajan Zed is – If I wanted to tell you, I wouldn’t say “find out”, now would I? This is important not because you need to agree with him, but whenever someone asks you where you are from, you can always answer with “Did you hear what Rajan Zed said now? . . .  Can you believe that guy? Sheesh”. Also, this might even lead to guest blogging opportunities at Sepia Mutiny.

8. Watch and love every hindi movie ever made – Not only is it important to watch those movies, you HAVE to like them. Even the crappy ones. And it is your solemn national duty to defend them in front of people who don’t like them. Even if your argument doesn’t make any sense.

7. Join the Narendra Modi fan club – You need to spend at least two hours everyday trolling the interwebs for blogs/articles/tweets about “NaMo” or any of his other brethren and attack whoever dares to write about them, without even reading what the blog/article/tweet is all about. If you don’t know what to write, just throw in the following in your word salad: “The mainstream media sucks, Congress bias, something something Sonia Gandhi and/or Rahul Gandhi”. Check the comments on www.rediff.com for more inspiration.

6. Always act guilty around your parents – A sure sign of Indian upbringing is when you see a perfectly normal, confident person act like a bumbling idiot in front of his or her parents. No matter how successful you get, no matter how much money you have, your parents will always make you feel guilty. You can’t fight thousands of years of civilisation. (Which reminds me, Mom, Dad, if you are reading this, then please remember that I didn’t do anything. I WAS TRICKED INTO WRITING ALL OF THESE THINGS). 

5. Excel at science and/or medicine – Let’s face it. Most kids of NRI’s are ready to do their PhD’s before they celebrate their tenth birthday. As to why, refer to reason no. 6. Hey, don’t take my word for it.

4. Don’t marry your cousin – That is because then you’ll be mistaken for someone from Arkansas. And believe me, you’d rather be from the caves of Tora Bora than from Arkansas.

3. Whenever someone tells you that your English is really good, thank them and inform them that their English is heavily accented.

2. Don’t kill your wife -- No, seriously. Don’t.

And the #1 most important thing to keep in mind while trying to pass as Indian in America:

*cue drum roll*

1. Don’t blow shit up.

Bada Bing, Bada boom . . . G’night everyone!

Today in comical attempts at racism

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, racism can be funny! And instead of outrage, it invokes pity!

Here are a few examples:

First, everyone’s favourite American election issue, Outsourcing! (They hate it so much that they even made a terrible movie about it!)

 

There are so many things wrong with this video.

a) The background music is probably middle eastern. But really, India, Arabia, all brown people must listen to the same music, no?:

b) None of the background pictures are actually Bangalore. One of them is Connaught Place, New Delhi!

c) What’s with the accent?

To be fair, the “many, many” jobs guy is simply hilarious!  Hey, NRI’s, you should hire him at the next birthday/anniversary party to entertain the kids, so that the adults can talk about the desh, without getting disturbed.

Anyways, seriously, Arkansas?

Your state is famous for only two things, cousin-marriage and giving birth to Presidential candidates.

And out of the two Presidential candidates, Bill Clinton pretends he’s from New York because now that he doesn’t have to run for an election, he doesn’t want anyone to remember his hee-haw connections and as for Mike Huckabee, that’s just another hilariously stupid thing about Arkansas.

So if you rednecks want to compete with people from India, then, instead of blaming other people, get an education. Oh, sorry. Let me spell it out for you: ej-u-cay-shun. It means book-larnin’.

If you want your children to be competitive in the international market, maybe get them to read something other than the bible or Going Rogue? Or maybe you shouldn’t have sent your children to Jesus school, in lieu of college?

If you want jobs in Arkansas, then maybe it’s best not to teach your children that evolution is not true and global warming is fake? Because if you do, then they’re going to end up like you. Bitter, dumb and clinging on to their guns.

Who am I kidding? It’s obviously those damn foreigners, who take away jobs you are not qualified to do!

*****

Now, you may not know this, but seems like England is having elections! I know! I thought Susan Boyle became their Prime Minister for life last year? Or whatever. How do British elections even work?

Anyways, this post is not about that. It’s about idiotic racist emails!

Two Tory councilman have been suspended for sending out a racist joke via email, because the Tories are trying to convince everyone that they aren’t bigoted and racist anymore and welcome everyone to their party! As long as they are rich, white and straight!

So here is the joke:

A Somalian arrives in the UK as a new immigrant. 
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr UK man for letting me into this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am an Afghani [sic]!"

The man goes on and encounters another passer by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!"
The person says, "I not from the UK, I am Iraqi!"

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful UK!'
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Pakistan, I am not from the UK!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you British?"
She says, "No, I am from India!"  Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the British?"
The Indian lady checks her watch and says: "Probably all at work."

Haha, what jobs is she talking about? There are no jobs in England!

And those which exist, are all thanks to those damn foreigners!

Here are some suggestions on what the Indian lady at the end of the joke should say, to make it less racist and/or better:

a) All the British people are at the pub, drinking themselves silly!

b) All the British people are auditioning for Britain's Got Talent!

c) All the British people are working for my husband’s company!

d) All the British People? They’re all resting because they knawed on a terribly large piece of spotted dick and now all of them have food poisoning!

That’s not funny, it’s true.

If you don't stop eating that plate of scrumptious beef THIS INSTANT, Varun Gandhi will do unspeakable things to you

India's #1 idea person, Varun Gandhi, evil spawn of Sanjay "Imma cut your nads off" Gandhi and Maneka "Makes PETA look like pussies" Gandhi (gee, I wonder where Varun got his mean streak from?), is taking India into the 21st century by talking about issues relevant to people in this day and age:

Cow slaughter — topped Varun's agenda during his hour-and-half long address.
Urging Hindus to rise against the "heinous act which is a punishable offence and not only a social crime" the MP questioned the prevailing silence surrounding 'gau hatya'.
"Why hasn't a single case been registered so far for violation of anti-cow slaughter law," he asked.

Yes. Now that UP enjoys peace & prosperity due to there being a lack of actual real criminals (as they are busy trying to run the government!), why isn't the police pursuing more cow slaughterers? Besides stopping people from having sex, shouldn't this also be their other #1 priority? Which doesn't mean that they should forget their most important #1 priority, which is protecting Madam Maya's 'freedom' statues.

Varun also has another brilliant idea:

The Pilibhit MP asked his Hindu brethren to stand up for their "samman" (honour) and "swabhiman" (self-respect), and hoped to raise "an army of one lakh Varun Gandhi clones to fulfil his wish-list".

GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE! There are going to be Varun Gandhi's running around everywhere! Varun knows that he is one of the most awesomest human beings alive! So why not spread his awesomeness around? I'm pretty sure there is enough awesomenss to spare, for anyone who is interested! Isn't that simply awesome?

This is known as an 'Hands free' approach to governance! Since his cousin Rahul gets all the attention (due to the fact that he INVENTED politics and everybody anywhere is always 'pulling a Rahul Gandhi'), everything Varun does reeks of desperation. The poor guy is out in the wilderness and is continuously trying to draw attention to himself, as if trying to say "I'm a Gandhi, get me out of here!".

Tut, tut Varun. All you have to do to get noticed by the media is to get a twitter account, because if you don't have a twatter account or are not on "the bookface", you don't even exist anymore! Also, since the people on teevee have even lesser substantive things to talk about, they will put your twats on teevee everyday, because they are basically assholes.

In fact, through the magical powers of the hot tub time machine, one of our "reporters" from the "future" have sent in this "poem" which based on a very famous literary work, which speculates what life would be after a couple of decades under Prime Minister Varun Gandhi. It's never going to actually happen (because of education, which is a fundamental right now! Teehee, FUNDAMENTAL!), but let's just suppose it does, for shits & giggles:

When they came for the people who eat beef,
I said nothing because I prefer fried chicken.

When they came for the people who get their hair cut on a Tuesday,
I said nothing because I always have a standing appointment with my barber for every Friday evening.

When they came for people who drank alcohol on dry days,
I said nothing because those drunken bastards deserved it anyway!

When they came for the people who had sex outside of wedlock,
I said nothing because I was married and wasn't getting any sex so I didn't want anyone else to have it either!

When they came for all the gay people,
I said nothing because just like Chetan Bhagat, I am not "a gay".

When they came for all those women who wanted to be something other than a housewife,
I said nothing because they're women, what else are they going to do? 

When they came to give me a vasectomy so that I couldn't reproduce,
They left me alone because they realized I lost my testicles when I didn't say anything the first time they tried to curtail my freedom!

The 'Rahul Gandhi' is everyone's new favourite dance step!

So the new Rajnath Singh, Nitin Gadkari went to have lunch at a colleague's house, and it made the national news.

There are so many things wrong with that. Let's do a point by point thingie (or as purists call it  'bullet point analysis'. I call it 'thingie' cause it's amateurish & childish. Just like me!) to explain.

1. Unless Rahul Gandhi INVENTED politics, or 'pulling a Rahul Gandhi' is a new dance move which involves doing the hustle in your Kurta, no one can pull a 'Rahul Gandhi'. Every politician who requires points for his 'imma-son-of-the-soil' marksheet does this. In fact, in the book "Beginners guide in how to be a son-of-the-soil politician", this is probably Chapter 1 (Go eat in a poor person's house). Or maybe I'm wrong and even MK Gandhi was 'doing a Rahul' when he did this more than sixty years ago. Or maybe even those stuffy politicians in Europe, who were doing this in the 1800s were pulling a "Rahul Gandhi'. Who knows, really?

2. Eating a meal at a poor person's house is nothing but theatric symbolism. It sounds so good, "Oh Mah Gawd, he went and literally ATE at a poor person's house!! Literally!! The Horror! Must vote for him next time!" Don't they see the unintentional bigotry involved in this? Just by eating a small meal in their house, does it make you understand the years of their struggle? Does a white light emerge from the back of your head and you suddenly become aware of years of oppression your 'hosts' had to face? This is even worse than when Mayawati builds a statue of herself and tells all her poor, suffering voters "This pigeon-bait is going to solve all your problems! Thee should now rejoice, and haveth some cake!". Hey, at least she doesn't make them pay for lunch!

3. Don't the reporters have anything better to do than sit around watching a fat guy eat? Do the reporters who 'report' on such 'symbolic luncheons' actually believe what they are saying? If they do, would you actually want someone like that 'reporting' on the 'news'? If they don't and still go on about it, would you actually want someone like that 'reporting' on the 'news'? If I ask so many questions, does it make me sound like a certain anchor of a 9PM news-show? If it does, then will someone volunteer to kill me?

 

Gadkari does a Rahul, has lunch in Dalit's house [Rediff News]
Nitin Gadkari does a Rahul, has lunch in Dalit's house [DNA India]

Everyone is retarded, today!

India's #1 platonic comical duo Amar Singh and Jayapradha have been suspended from their party. While Amar has the sads, according to Jayapradha, she is neither 'happy' nor 'sad'. Well, she must want everyone to read her j-j-j-j-joker face. [The Hindu]

After a year and half of saying that there will be no dialogue with the Pakistani government, the Indian government has decided to re-start the dialogue with Pakistan. So that retarded 'Aman weds Aasha' campaign finally worked!1! [HT]

While the Indian and Pakistani diplomats exchange frozen mangoes, a tribe of dangerous dandruff-beard people wants to start Jehadin' again. They must be angry because they weren't included in the IPL, maybe?! [Indian Express]

Miserable old coot Bal Thackeray wants famous movie person Shah Rukh Khan to take his freedom of speech and move to twitter. Meanwhile, famous movie person Shah Rukh Khan just wants EVERYONE TO WATCH HIS GODDAMN MOVIE, in which he plays Shah Rukh Khan playing a retarded version of a person suffering from Asperger's syndrome. [HT]

Pakistan's ambassador to Saudi Arabia is a dick. Literally. [FP]

Obama is scheduled to meet the Dalai Lama later this month even though China has threatened to stop sending the US free Farmville goodies on Facebook if he goes ahead with the meeting. Obama is really eager to met the Dalai Lama because he rarely gets a chance to meet a fellow messiah. [The Guardian]

Director of Moulin Rouge & Australia, Baz Luhrman is currently touring India, for charitable purposes. He wants to make a movie with the Bachchans and AR Rahman. Ugh. Dude, that would be WORSE than a punch in the face, so why don't you just Baz away?. [The Hindu]

Honky, please aka if you keep beating up us Indians, who is going to tell you how to use your computer or help you cheat on your taxes?

It's open season on Indians everywhere. Since Kangaroo-fucking season is over, it's now the turn of the annual curry-bashing festival.

When the hot, bikini model was handing out invites to Indian students requesting the pleasure of their company in one of their esteemed universities where they teach high-value courses like crocodile hunting and beer guzzling, she missed to mention one teeny-tiny detail. Which was, that you might get mauled or killed if you commit the heinous crime of being brown.

Everything was going fine and no one was really bothered until the keeper of our national conscience, Arnab Goswami and Times Now, told us to GET ANGRY. That's because as a nation, we really aren't bothered about what happens to people who are not us. Hey, since there are so many of us, why to waste our time worrying about a few stray incidents? After al those people shunned their patriotic duty and did not waste their time "studying" in one of our crappy universities. Hey, if they can't get into an IIT/IIM, how good will they be? Karma is a bitch, isn't it?

And god forbid we should say anything to our government. They were just sworn in. Most of the ministers haven't even been allotted their official house in Delhi where they can keep their mistresses. Also, if you want to blame someone, blame self-proclaimed national monument, Arjun Singh and don't go pointing fingers at everyone else who enabled him. This new-old government is going to open an IIT in every city and staff them with the same government school teachers who mark their attendance by proxy and collect extra pay by giving private tuition. If they don't like government run universities, they can always get their degree in a university the government doesn't recognize. Works out for everyone, doesn't it?

And Australia? Horrifying! Who would have thought that those sweet convict descendants will not be nice to their paying houseguests?

The Australian government isn't that concerned about these incidents. C'mon, what's a few comatose students between good friends? Those race bashers are probably some kooky old skinheads who must be nostalgic for the good ole days when Australian bigotry was coded in the Australian constitution. Isn't that right, mate? No need to get all snappy.

As yoda would say, a few stray incidents here and there do not a racist nation make.

Also, mate, "curry bashing" is so retro. It sounds so 80's Britain. If you want to use a racial epithet, then get it correct. It's Macaca now. Ma-ca-ca.

Obama does not want to wake up one day and smell a burning Iran

Hopefully Kosher newspaper Haaretz reports that President Obama has told Israeli PM Netanyahu that he would consider a surprise attack by Israel on Iran a really bad belated inauguration gift. And if there is one thing Obama knows, besides knowing everything about everything else, it's about bad gifts.

U.S. President Barack Obama has sent a message to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu demanding that Israel not surprise the U.S. with an Israeli military operation against Iran. The message was conveyed by a senior American official who met in Israel with Netanyahu, ministers and other senior officials. Earlier, Netanyahu's envoy visited Washington and met with National Security Adviser James Jones and with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and discussed the dialogue Obama has initiated with Tehran.

In fact Obama was so concerned that Israel would sneak up on Iran and waterboard it Dick Cheney style that he couldn't even wait till Monday, the day he is actually scheduled to meet the Israeli Premier.

Thankfully, there is nothing going on this week which might freshen some old wounds.

OH NO! I think I spoke a little too soon.

But I'm sure there is nothing to worry about. After all, the people of the middle east are famous for their restraint, aren't they?

 

 

p.s. Can you twitter from inside a home-made bunker?

Air-France treats Indians like Indians treat other Indians: with contempt

According to various reports, India passengers on Sunday's Air France Boston-Paris-Mumbai flight, AF 218, were living history as they were treated by the French the same way their ancestors were treated by the British.

As the Indian Express reports:

The passengers say the real ordeal started after the aircraft with 168 passengers and 12 cabin crew, landed in Paris. According to Sen Gupta, all passengers were taken to the airport’s E terminal and those with European, American or Canadian passports put on a bus and taken to nearby hotels but those without transit visas were made to wait inside the terminal by Air France staff who said they were trying to arrange transit visas through the local police. Half past midnight, they were told the police had refused the transit visas.

After being refused transit visas they were not able to even use the airport lounge. “There was another security check that did not allow us to carry water bottles,” said Vinita. Kachru said they had to raise a hue and cry for water.

Apparently, an Indian carrying bottled water is a security threat. That's because a lot of Indians look like those scary brown terrorisors they show on TV. Also, no one really understood Slumdog Millionaire in France. They kept wondering what was the big deal about jumping into a pile of human crap anyway?

That's what they usually do there on Wednesdays.

What? I'm sure they have a good reason for that. It must be detoxifying technique or something.

Also, to be fair, it's France. Even harmless little poodles are classified as a threat to national security.

Moving on, according to the ToI:

They were confined to a lounge with too few seats, so many sat on the floor. There was one loo for 55 people. "We were only given a sandwich and a bottle of water each," said passenger Kalashree Sengupta. The passengers alleged that when some of them protested the long delay, an airline official threatened to hand them over to the police.

So the passengers were meted out the same treatment usually reserved for overcrowded weddings and BPO fresher interview sessions. 

Responding to the complaints, Air France said that "Fuck it, we're French. If we cared for what other people thought, we would have started using deodorant sixty years ago. And when you have a first lady as hot as ours, you can fucking do anything you like".

Okay. That's not exactly what they said. But I'm sure that's what they meant.

Uh-oh.

Pardon my French?

The Real Countries of South Asia

South Asia has turned into a really, really bad Bravo reality show. [Wikipedia]

Pakistan is like a bad imitation of Sigourney Weaver's character from the Alien franchise. Although, it's doesn't have the balls like Ellen Ripley to kill itself and the alien queen it's carrying in it's womb. [WaPost] Also, Alien vs Predator is a perfect moniker for Pakistan's "war" with the Taliban.

Someone put some industrial strength drugs into Nepal's drink and now it's woken up with a really bad hangover. [NYT]

Sri Lanka is in a really bad mixed marriage and has set a new bar for domestic abuse. [InEXP]

Which in turn is causing J Jayalalitha to go more crazy. [Asian Tribune] (Okay. I'm not saying that Jayalalitha is big enough to be her own country, but you do need a passport to meet her).

Bangladesh had pre-pubescent sex. Possibly with Michael Jackson.  [Mon&Critics]

China was in a really bad place and sipped it's own lead infested milk. And then it had some Mexican food. Now it's feet are bloated, it's eyes are shut and it's hiding in a corner in the attic worried that it might get Swine Flu. Although, eating the household rat was not a step in the right direction. [TIME]

As for Bhutan, don't just stand there, DO SOMETHING CRAZY. [BusStandard]

Watch out Poland, here come the Indo-Nazis

This is why newspapers are dying.

The UK's Daily Mail reports that Hitler's autobiography Mein Kampf is selling like, pardon the expression, hot cakes in India.

Booksellers told The Daily Telegraph that while it is regarded in most countries as a 'Nazi Bible', in India it is considered a management guide in the mould of Spencer Johnson's "Who Moved My Cheese".

Sales of the book over the last six months topped 10,000 in New Delhi alone, according to leading stores, who said it appeared to be becoming more popular with every year.

Really?

Hitler's auto-biography is treated as a "management guide"?

Well, that does explain a lot about my last manager. Although I wonder when he had time to read the book. between sucking up to senior management and apologizing to his two-timing girlfriend, he barely had time to even take a bath. I had to gift him an year's supply of industrial strength deodorant to get the message across. Sadly, it didn't work. It was the first time in my life I was glad to have allergies.

"They see it as a kind of success story where one man can have a vision, work out a plan on how to implement it and then successfully complete it"

Why? Because Hitler was so successful, innit?

Who in their right mind would actually admire Hitler?

Oops. My bad.

Right. Ahem. Still, delusional leaders aside, I think Poland has nothing to worry about yet. We don't invade foreign countries.

Except that one time. Tee Hee.

However, more than Poland, the people who are actually petrified of a Jai Ho Hitler revolution are the poor, docile readers of the Huffington Post.

In the comment section of the particular post (or as the Huffington Post calls each individual post, 'a blog') which references the daily mail article, the commentators do what a lot of Americans are really good at. Talking about stuff they have no real knowledge about. Although, to be fair, who can blame them, really? Already out of jobs and with everything good on TV either cancelled or about to go for a seasonal break, they need to pass their time somehow.

Besides, haven't you heard? Dick Cheney's debuting his new show "You'll never be safe without me, motherf*ckers". Here's the pilot episode.

At least this issue has united America. Finally, the right wing and the left wing nutjobs finally agree on something. 

Lastly, I'd have to admit that these nutjons are correct. Sort of.

Adolf does live.

Huh? Yes, it's true. Adolf lives.

Do you want to know where?

Well, the only place where he can. The good Ol' U.S. of A.

Now, the real question is, should we be afraid?

UN Anti-Racism conference ruined by Racism

The U.N conference on racism was doomed from the start. Not only were a few countries, including the US, Italy Israel, Australia, New Zealand, Poland and Germany boycotting it, the remaining delegates from the EU and Britain threatened to walk out if the forum was used for hate speech against Israel.

That's exactly what happened.

 

Can someone tell me who in their right mind would invite Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to a racism conference?

Was the UN trying to be ironical?

Sure racism is a serious issue and it warrants discussion, but letting Ahmadinjad loose on the floor is completely the opposite way to go. It's like asking Micheal Jackson to address a Protect-your-child conference or asking Elizabeth Taylor to address a townhall where she answers questions about how to make a marriage last forever or asking Lindsay Lohan to enlist seven steps on how to keep your shit together or getting Paris Hilton to write a whitepapper on the ways to prevent STDs.

This guy denies the holocaust. Something which is historical fact. Just because some people who wrote fake holocaust memoirs which Oprah selected for her book club doesn't change history. This guy held a hold conference in Iran to deny the holocaust. Even Hitler's like "Dude . . . that's a bit too much". He also said that Iran has no homosexuals. Yes, that's because in Iran homosexuality is punishable by a death sentence. In fact, the government of Iran is so scared of "the gay" that they issued a fatwa against Cher.

If Mr Nutjob thinks that he's doing Iran a favour by making it sound like the most racist place in the world (killer slogan to increase tourism, by the way), then I think he celebrated 4/20 a little too hard.

"The Love Guru" not getting much Love

"If trailer is an indicator of the content of the movie... then we feel this is most likely to hurt sentiments of seekers of various spiritual paths," Bhavna Shinde, a representative of the Hindu Janjagruti Samiti and Sanatan Society for Scientific Spirituality, said in a communique.

"It will hurt the religious sentiments of millions of Hindus worldwide, who hold the 'Guru-disciple' relationship as sacred," the communique said.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great protectors of our religious sentiments are at it again. According to news reports, various Hindu organizations have petitioned the FCC in the US and the Censor Board in India to prevent the release of Mike Myer's upcoming movie, The Love Guru.

What I want to ask these so called religious zealots is, Who died and made you king? Whatever gave you the right of representing 'Hindu sentiments' worldwide? And above all, who made you the representative of God? Didja get an email? Do you have a will? A document giving you a power of attorney perhaps? Anything? No? I thought so.

What gives you the right to decide what is offensive or not? Or what is right or wrong? If you don't like something, just don't go and watch it. No one is forcing you. However, you have no right to prevent others from watching it.

And pray tell me, if your belief in your religion is so strong, why is it shaken up by a single satirical movie?

All you are trying to do is scuttle free speech in the name of religion. What makes religion so sacrosanct that people cannot question it? Or make fun of it? Nothing is so sacred that it can't be made fun off. If you don't like it, don't buy it. Let everybody else form their own opinion.

Just because someone says "Religion" he is allowed to act crazy. Every foolish decision, every foolish tradition can be forgiven in the name of religion.

And God is not so week that he needs these people to defend him. I think he's doing fine on his own.

We forget that freedom of expression implies that all opinions are allowed to co-exist together. Even those which are not of the majority. Or which do not appeal to the majority.

However, I am sure that the movie will face a slew of protests when it is released in India, assuming it is allowed to be released in India. Satanic Verses, anyone?

And if it is released, theaters would be stormed, their owners would be threatened, Paramount's office in India will be picketed and someone in Gujarat will file a case against Mike Myers.

Another one for our Xenophobic protectors. Clap Clap, ladies and gentlemen, clap clap.