Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Great Indian Culture Guidebook Part 1

Due to the influx of western influences like Rock Music and the Internet, Indian children have been losing their cultural identity. Before all hell breaks lose and chaos reigns supreme, we have compiled this guidebook to help you debauched youngsters regain your Indian-ness.
This guidebook has been sponsored by our Cultural Umbrella for National Togetherness Samellan.

Now, most of you might accuse us of Xenophobia, bigotry and racism, but we just wants our children to have an inherent Indianess.

(1) Sex

This seems to be everybody's favorite topic these days. This is nothing but a blatant proof of the western influence on our country. In our country sex simply does not exist. Children are born (a) When a husband looks lovingly into the eyes of his wife (b) When people take a vow at Vaishno Devi or at Chisti's tomb.

However, in the above attempts fail to grant a couple a male child, sex is not only allowed but is highly encouraged. In fact, it is mandatory at that instance.

It is also against to talk about sex. Teaching children about safe sex makes want to have sex. Therefore any talk about sex is a strict no-no.

(2) Breasts

Indian women are not supposed to talk about breasts. In fact there is not even a word in any Indian dialect for breasts. All culturally approved Indian women do not show their breasts. Not even to their husbands. Breasts are only to be used to feed milk to a male infant. A female infant can be given goat's milk or something. (We really don't give a damn about the female infant. Teehee.)

(3) Food

Firstly, culturally approved Indians do not eat anywhere except at home. In case one is forced to eat outside, only VHP sanctioned 'vashnavi' Dhabas are allowed. Some Udipi restaurants are okay too. However, having a burger at McDonalds or sipping a Latte is seriously unbecoming an Indian.

In fact, why have coffee when you can have boiled tea with Cow's milk?

Also eating non-vegetarian food on holy days is a big no-no. And beef cannot be eaten at all. IF you do eat non-veg on Tuesday and eat beef at all you must be Catholic. Or Muslim. Or *gasp* *gasp* Both.

(4) Holy Men

Holy men are the doyens of Indian culture. All holy men must be respected and worshiped like a God. In fact, in some cases holy men can outrule God. No biggie. And Holy men needn't practice what they preach.

Young nubile virgins should consider themselves blessed when Holy men choose to de-flower them. It's their fiduciary duty to present themselves to the service of holy men because Holy men work selflessly to guide us towards the correct path. Even though we can use Google maps to get a shorter path, only holy men can help us balance our Karma and attain Nirvana. Or at least help us lose weight. Whatever.

(5) Marriage \ Love

No Indian has the right to get married without the explicit permission of both set of parents and relatives. Any such marriage devoid even one of these permission slips is strictly null and void. Parents of such couples will never recognize their better half and can make their offspring feel as guilty as they want. They may also bar them from any inheritance. They may also keep asking thier children to get married completely ignoring the fact that their child has now started a family.

It is completely against Indian culture for anybody to fall in Love. Love is only allowed for one's parents, relatives and culture. All other love is illegal. Indian children cannot fall in love. Indian males can keep staring at women and might even be allowed to see them without their head scarf. However, Indian women are expected to keep their gaze on the floor at all times. This helps them identify which area of the floor is dirty so that they can make a mental note to clean it at a later time.

This rule can only be relaxed if an older over the hill rich man falls in love (or lusts whatever) after a 16 year old teenage girl. That's okay. However, young people with their overflowing hormones need to stop eying people of the opposite gender. Or the same gender for that matter. Hmph.

(6) Homosexuality

Homosexuality is sooo against Indian culture. Not because of any of that republican bullshit but because Indian men are supposed to bear children. That's their primary duty. Keep impregnating their wives. An Indian women is not complete until she becomes a mother. So if two guys get together to do the dirty-dirty where would children come from?

However, if a man has five children with a minimum of three being male, he can hump any other male he wants. And of course, holy men are allowed to have as much gay sex as they want. Also sevaks and workers of culturally I.S.I. approved political outfits who haven't seen a women in eight years are exempt too.

Women are not allowed to do each other. If Indian women start doing the one thing Indian men are capable of doing, howsoever badly, where do the men go?

(7) Women's Liberation

An Indian women is can only be liberated from her parents house by her husband. From her husband's house she can only be liberated after death. So basically, if Mimi was Indian, she would never have been emancipated. All money earned by a unmarried woman is property of her father and after marriage belongs to her husband or his family. What's next? Women having their separate bank accounts? Aiyiyiyiyiyiyi. What is the world coming to?


ess said...

Convey my regards to the Cultural Umbrella for National Togetherness Samellan. They have shown me the true way to regain my Indianness. No more looking at women, no more meat-eating, no more hanging out at coffee shops. For that matter, no more use of decadent western phrases like "hanging out"

I shall shut down my blog and write only about the virtues of the Hindu family and the male child.


Firefoxcub said...

fucking hilarity dude. Love the 'dirty floor' observation.

One VERY important tenet you forgot to include is the rejection of this alien language (read: angrezi) that we type/speak/think in.

ALso I wonder where in our quest for Indianness we should give up electricity, phones (Bell is westerner no?), cars and other such 'western' amenities. I mean who needs a shower when the men can watch women bathe under a waterfall in a white sari?

ess said...

ffc, of course you must give up phones. Why do you need a phone, when a carrier pigeon does the job much more slowly and inefficiently?
And about the white sari/waterfall thing, I'm glad you've started thinking like an Indian as well. Very effective post this :P

Over Rated said...

We at the Cultural Umbrella for National Togetherness Samellan (C.U.N.T.S.) are happy and proud at your response. We are glad that we have been able to help channel you "inner Indian".

God bless you and may all of you bear our country loads and loads of male child infants.

-- Namaste,

Cultural Umbrella for National Togetherness Samellan (C.U.N.T.S.)

Moo said...

WHAT? I can't comment in the national language? :O Then I'm sorry. Whoever's not loyal to my nation doesn't deserve my time.

You've lost yourself a reader, and gained a hypocrite.

Mugger Much said...

What scares me is how terrifyingly true this is all turning out to be. I'm not quite sure how to cast my vote in the next general elections: it's the same sorry bunch of mentally challenged louts that have been leering at us from huge cutouts and Bollywood-ishtyle posters ever since Adam and Co. left Eden to set up their cosy love nest.
Is there a strong case for establishing a Liberal Party here in India? I tried to follow what those new-fangled "IITian" parties were up to, and laughed myself silly when I went through their inane manifestos and pseudo-scientific jargon-laden websites. It's a sad day for a nation when it becomes uncool to be liberal without being a communist sympathizer. (Yes, you can separate the two ideologies; they're about as miscible as butter chicken and prasad from Siddhi Vinayak.)
Perhaps the greatest gift each of us can give to the country is by pointing fingers at these "upholders of Indian tradition" and mocking them loudly, unceasingly.
As Moo told me once (in an entirely different context), "what a sorry bunchafuckwits".

Abhishek said...

Aisi baatein likhne ke liye main tumhe jaayadad se bedakhal karta hoon :)

Over Rated said...

moo: If you don't keep reading this blog, you are erring in you national duty

mugger much: All political outfits in this country are the same. They just try to please different sets of people with superficial promises. The problem with our country is that most of us have given up any hope of ever electing a decent government and have even stopped bothering about the larger picture. Most people in this country have learnt to adapt to life without having any sort of governance and rule of law. People have adopted the "every man for himself" attitude and are busy pulling each other down while the politicians are out to loot the country with both hands. Hopefully mocking these protectors of culture will expose their nothingness and awaken people from their deep deep slumber. Though I don't think so.

abhishek: Nahi ... Aisa nahi ho sakta ........

Gentle Whispers said...

Just hopped across to your blog from Moo's and I'm in love with the way you write. Amazingly funny.

I love sarcasm!

Over Rated said...

thank you ..... sarcasm is the only language we can speak properly ... :P

Anonymous said...

Awesome! But I think there need to be occasional posts seriously bashing the great Indian culture. Don't get me wrong, I am a big fan of sarcasm. But you have to be apologetic by default when you display humour.

Come on, I want some real bashing too!