Due to the influx of western influences like Rock Music and the Internet, Indian children have been losing their cultural identity. Before all hell breaks lose and chaos reigns supreme, we have compiled this guidebook to help you debauched youngsters regain your Indian-ness.
This guidebook has been sponsored by our Cultural Umbrella for National Togetherness Samellan.
Now, most of you might accuse us of Xenophobia, bigotry and racism, but we just wants our children to have an inherent Indianess.
(1) Sex
This seems to be everybody's favorite topic these days. This is nothing but a blatant proof of the western influence on our country. In our country sex simply does not exist. Children are born (a) When a husband looks lovingly into the eyes of his wife (b) When people take a vow at Vaishno Devi or at Chisti's tomb.
However, in the above attempts fail to grant a couple a male child, sex is not only allowed but is highly encouraged. In fact, it is mandatory at that instance.
It is also against to talk about sex. Teaching children about safe sex makes want to have sex. Therefore any talk about sex is a strict no-no.
(2) Breasts
Indian women are not supposed to talk about breasts. In fact there is not even a word in any Indian dialect for breasts. All culturally approved Indian women do not show their breasts. Not even to their husbands. Breasts are only to be used to feed milk to a male infant. A female infant can be given goat's milk or something. (We really don't give a damn about the female infant. Teehee.)
(3) Food
Firstly, culturally approved Indians do not eat anywhere except at home. In case one is forced to eat outside, only VHP sanctioned 'vashnavi' Dhabas are allowed. Some Udipi restaurants are okay too. However, having a burger at McDonalds or sipping a Latte is seriously unbecoming an Indian.
In fact, why have coffee when you can have boiled tea with Cow's milk?
Also eating non-vegetarian food on holy days is a big no-no. And beef cannot be eaten at all. IF you do eat non-veg on Tuesday and eat beef at all you must be Catholic. Or Muslim. Or *gasp* *gasp* Both.
(4) Holy Men
Holy men are the doyens of Indian culture. All holy men must be respected and worshiped like a God. In fact, in some cases holy men can outrule God. No biggie. And Holy men needn't practice what they preach.
Young nubile virgins should consider themselves blessed when Holy men choose to de-flower them. It's their fiduciary duty to present themselves to the service of holy men because Holy men work selflessly to guide us towards the correct path. Even though we can use Google maps to get a shorter path, only holy men can help us balance our Karma and attain Nirvana. Or at least help us lose weight. Whatever.
(5) Marriage \ Love
No Indian has the right to get married without the explicit permission of both set of parents and relatives. Any such marriage devoid even one of these permission slips is strictly null and void. Parents of such couples will never recognize their better half and can make their offspring feel as guilty as they want. They may also bar them from any inheritance. They may also keep asking thier children to get married completely ignoring the fact that their child has now started a family.
It is completely against Indian culture for anybody to fall in Love. Love is only allowed for one's parents, relatives and culture. All other love is illegal. Indian children cannot fall in love. Indian males can keep staring at women and might even be allowed to see them without their head scarf. However, Indian women are expected to keep their gaze on the floor at all times. This helps them identify which area of the floor is dirty so that they can make a mental note to clean it at a later time.
This rule can only be relaxed if an older over the hill rich man falls in love (or lusts whatever) after a 16 year old teenage girl. That's okay. However, young people with their overflowing hormones need to stop eying people of the opposite gender. Or the same gender for that matter. Hmph.
(6) Homosexuality
Homosexuality is sooo against Indian culture. Not because of any of that republican bullshit but because Indian men are supposed to bear children. That's their primary duty. Keep impregnating their wives. An Indian women is not complete until she becomes a mother. So if two guys get together to do the dirty-dirty where would children come from?
However, if a man has five children with a minimum of three being male, he can hump any other male he wants. And of course, holy men are allowed to have as much gay sex as they want. Also sevaks and workers of culturally I.S.I. approved political outfits who haven't seen a women in eight years are exempt too.
Women are not allowed to do each other. If Indian women start doing the one thing Indian men are capable of doing, howsoever badly, where do the men go?
(7) Women's Liberation
An Indian women is can only be liberated from her parents house by her husband. From her husband's house she can only be liberated after death. So basically, if Mimi was Indian, she would never have been emancipated. All money earned by a unmarried woman is property of her father and after marriage belongs to her husband or his family. What's next? Women having their separate bank accounts? Aiyiyiyiyiyiyi. What is the world coming to?
