Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The First Annual Prime Ministerial Correspondents Dinner

I was watching the White House Correspondents dinner and after it was over I felt sad that our esteemed PM would not be getting such an honor. And being the kind hearted soul I am, I thought that I should write one. I may not be Stephen Colbert or Craig Ferguson but I'm the only one who cares, so Dr Singh be ready for the speech of a lifetime. So let's imagine that we have the Prime Minister, his cabinet colleagues the opposition and all the power brokers sitting together in Vigyan Bhawan's main hall.We have been asked to deliver the keynote address. So here it is:

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Prime Ministerial correspondents dinner.

So, Mr. Prime Minister, this may be your last year in office. I mean if the congress wins the election next year, Mrs. Sonia Gandhi may select someone else to do her bidding. Of course sir, I am just kidding. Just like the left front kids around with the country's interest. In fact the left front hates the United States almost as much as Obama's pastor. However, if the left loved India even half as much as they love China, your government would be able to make at least some intelligent foreign policy decisions.

Now I see Rahul Gandhi sitting in the front row. Now, Rahul, I know you're not old enough to have a drink in one of Delhi's nightclubs but it's heartening to know that you might be our next prime minister. Congratulations. You are going to inherit an empire of more than a billion people with a rich cultural heritage and teeming with problems that have not been solved since your grandfather was PM.

Sitting next to Rahul, we see another Prime Minister in waiting, Mr LK Advani. In fact Mr Advani has been waiting for so long to be Prime Minister, that his new book is called Waiting Room. Mr Advani, your party must get it's act together before the next election otherwise you are going to be waiting for the rest of your life.

Oh wait!! I see Arjun Singh in the crowd. Sir, could you please stand and take a bow? Some of your fans, namely the upper caste medical students who couldn't get admission in AIIMS want to give you a standing ovation. What's that sir, you cannot stand. Oh I'm sorry. I forgot. Please accept my apologies. Sir, It's an honor to meet you. It is only once in a lifetime that one gets the opportunity to meet someone who is older than AK Hangal. In fact, ladies and gentlemen Mr Arjun Singh is so old, his first girlfriend was Anarkali's mother. A little known fact about Arjun Singh is that he used to be drinking buddies with Bahadur Shah Zafar. In fact, yesterday they found Arjun Singh's baby teeth among the ruins of Mohenjadaro. Please sir, don't try to speak. Most of us don't understand sanskrit.

Ah! And there is Mr Pranab Mukherjee. Our pan chewing foreign minister. You know, very few people know about Mr Mukherjee's secret bet with US president George Bush. Oh Yes. You see, both of them have been competing for the past few years to find out the man who is most efficient at butchering the English language. I think Mr Mukherjee, has won, hands down. We are proud of you sir and honored that you represent us. However, please stop wiping your pan stains on Sharad Pawar's white safari suit. It's the only one he has.

We also have members of the Indian media present here. Our Indian press has come a long way. And it's great to see our newspapers and T.V. bring real issues to the forefront instead of acting like cheerleaders for the government. Our reporters have matured over the years and do not act anymore like a three year old child who fell into a deep, dark ditch,
These people bring to the forefront issues which affect our everyday life. They tell us which celebrities are doing each other and what Lakshmi Mittal eats for breakfast. So let's give it up for the Indian media.

Anyway, unlike his cabinet colleagues who forget to inform him about important policy decisions, we shouldn't forget that this evening is about Dr Manmohan Singh.

So let's celebrate the term of a prime minister who takes decisions after they have been approved by a higher power. God, Gandhi, same thing, right?

Let’s celebrate the fact that we have a president and prime minister who bear allegiance not to the country, not to the flag, but to a family. Just like in The Sopranos. Such nobility and loyalty is so rare in this day and age. Though the congress party is full of such pioneers.

Of course this PM has had his comic moments. He really did entertain us with his unimaginably hilarious statements like The BJP wants him to die or that homosexuality is against Indian Culture or that he doesn’t know anything about politics. However you shouldn’t just sit there, you should clap for this man. He has his principles, but he has the hindsight not to be enslaved by them. If that isn't applause worthy, I don't know what is.

So let’s celebrate the fact that in the sixtieth year of independence, the government wants to ban actors smoking on screen. A measure which provides a smokescreen for real issues like inflation, poverty and corruption. Or let’s celebrate the brilliant idea of the finance minister, who decided that the only way to increase tax collections is to increase the tax burden on the people who already pay the tax. Wonderful idea. You need to applaud, ladies and gentlemen, not just sit there with an expression of disgust.

Of course, who can forget the brave decision to kill the Indo-US nuclear deal, something which caused irreparable damage to India’s reputation in the US Congress? Let’s celebrate the fact that because of a few people living in 1970, like Sitaram Yechury & Co, our ability to generate electricity is severely harmed thus putting a spanner in the country's economic development.

This brave man insisted on continuing with what some people termed as populist measures like unnecessary subsidies. Though they harmed the economy in the long run, at least they bought his allies into power in their respective states.

We should feel proud of the fact that this particular council of ministers has amongst it’s midst, a man convicted of murder and a man convicted of embezzling a few hundred crores.
The PM's efforts at rehabilitating these ex-criminals are incredible and deserve a Param Vir Chakra.

We are here to celebrate the catastrophic failure of a government we have at the center. A government, which if it wins power again, will follow the same self fulfilling prophecy it has for the past four-and-a-half years. A government which claims to exist for the common man, but has done nothing to decrease the common man's misery. So let’s give our beloved prime minister a standing ovation, for he made a huge effort to ensure that history will rank him as one of India's most ineffective Prime Ministers.

Personally, I’m glad your term is coming to an end Mr. Prime Minister. In fact I can’t wait for your government to leave. However, I would request you to do me one last favor. Please, sir, don't let the door hit you on the a** on your way out.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your time. I hope you enjoyed your evening. Good Night.


Firefoxcub said...

Did he really say "homosexuality is against Indian culture"? Dr. Manmohan Singh? Fuckin oldies, I tells ya. One day I'll do a rant on how much old people piss me off.

A murder and embezzler? Who they are? It scares me how little I know of our current PM and his cronies. I kinda saw him as a good guy, in the sense that he's not a psychopath corrupt dude with a chargesheet. Like the infamous Narasimha Rao or Laloo.

Prannoy Roy should run for PM.

Over Rated said...

Yes he did. In fact that was his government's argument in the supreme court against the abolition of article 377. For these oldies, the litmus test of Indian Culture is all that matters.

BOth are from Bihar. One is the leader of the JMM, the other is a former chief minister.

The PM is a good guy per se, but is also a wimp. He cannot even go to the little boys room without a note from Mrs G.

Narsimha Rao for all his faults was the best Congress prime minister. Though that is not saying much.

Prannoy Roy is a good choice but he's too educated and sophisticated for Indian politics.

ess said...

I'm sorry. I know this was meant to be funny, but seeing all of the government's failings together just leaves me feeling hollow. Where did we go wrong? Why do we keep electing the same jokers back into power everytime? And why the fuck isn't the CPM politburo exiled for treason?

Sigh. I'll be able to vote for the first time next year. But I'm not sure I want to.

Over Rated said...

It wasn't meant to be funny though it does have some elements of dark humor. We keep electing the same jokers because behind the comical mask all of them are the same moron looking out of their interest only.
The CPM politburo has not been exiled because people in Bengal and Kerela keep voting them in power and giving them enough leverage in the Lok Sabha.

Well, I haven't voted ever either. I don't even have a voter's identity card. Cause I really don't wanna choose between Clownface 1 and Clownface 2.

Moo said...

Well, Ess, we keep voting for the same jokers again, because we've only jokers to choose from. Name ONE party that has no hidden agendas and vested interests, apart from public welfare.

*spits to that*

And Overrated, seriously man, WHAT has Arjun Singh done to you? Hahaha!!! On a serious note, isn't it about time he died, though? Or isn't Lucifer interested in him, either?


Over Rated said...

*spits to that too*

*well done moo*

*hey, that rhymes*

*i think I'd better stop this now*


:P :P

The fact that he is aiding and abetting the cause of his brethren to take India back too the dark ages is kinda the only thing I got against him. :P .... He was supposed to die 4126324 years ago, but he keeps surviving because of some quota or the other [I'm sure u didn't see that coming :P]

dodo said...

"Our pan chewing foreign minister"....you sure?? Does he chew paan??? I think here you have gone a bit wrong...actually he is the ONLY performer in the cabinet and he does not chew paan and if you don't judge him by his accent ( which many ,including the comment writer, regards relics of ancient snobbishness) his english is quite laudable.

Disclaimer: Neither a fan of UPA nor a fan of Pranab Mukherjee, who can not win a single election on his own.