The following is a recollection of the horror of what was without any argument one of the most painful evenings of my life.
So, what happened was that due to some unforeseen and unplanned circumstances, I ended up at home last Saturday night. Alone. With medium quality Chinese takeout to eat and Indian television to watch. Yes, I had to watch television. I did not want to read the 5 books I am currently reading and I did not want to watch a DVD cause I am Lazzzy (i mean the DVD cabinet is faaaaaar) and I did not want to use you tube cause I was bored. So we ended up switching on the TV. Needless to say, we were horrified, bored and our mind was turned into mush. Despite various warnings from other sane minded people, we dared to venture into the world that is called Indian TV. Or at least whatever tata sky was offering. Sit back and enjoy the highlights.
We first started with a show on one of those hindi channels which basically had some losers playing pranks on helpless bystanders. To give you an idea why lots of people commit suicides in India, these contestants went to bridge or something and as people walked by, they broke into an impromptu song and dance. Then the jury, which consisted of Farah Khan (or Sajid Khan ... coudn't make out), Cyrus Brocha and ...... and ..... and ... MIKA. Mi fucking ka. Mika as in the Punjabi Singer. So I threw my slipper at the screen and changed the channel. Is this what people's self respect has come to? Being judged by Mika?
So we thought maybe we can listen to some music. However, when we switched to the music channels ALL of them were showing one reality show or another. ALL of them. One had people with the iq of 15 doing dances, the other had roadies, which featured and a task involving acting like bangcock (....get it?) lady boys. It was awful. Then, vh1 had laguna beach. The last one really surprised me. Do they actually think we want to blonde male and female bimbos have relationship conversation? What happened to playing some fucking music? Why do these motherfucking music channels show reality TV? Isn't that what general entertainment and hindi news channels are for?
And what makes people participate in these reality shows? Is it the suffering? Is it the humiliation? Is it dancing like a whore with your ass hanging out? What? Well, that deserves it's own post.
So our quest for watching something entertaining continued, so next up were some award shows on NDTV imagine. I wanted to attend award shows, I would've gone to my own convocation. Anyhoo, we changed channels. We thought maybe CNN is showing the daily show with Jon stewart. But nooooooooo, they were showing something about britney spears ...... Gosh!! My stomach churned and I threw up.
So, still not giving up, backed up a little and Lo! behold .... some english news channel was showing a vignette on Saif Kareena, who, Fyi, have not yet been given their own portmanteau supercouple name. I suggest the following, SaK, FaK, Kaif, khanpoor, Sebo.
I really don't give a flying fuck anyway.
So, we ended our quest to be entertained by Indian television there and then. We would rather our brain be fried over a tandoor and dipped in Olive oil and then chopped into little pieces and fed to hungry people from bangaldesh.