What people say and what they really mean

I like meeting interesting people

--> I am so desperate to meet someone, I'll meet anyone

Of course honey, you don't look fat

--> You look like someone Bill Clinton would want to hump

Your house is so...charming

--> It's rat hole! How the hell can you live here?

You are a real interesting and funny person

--> You are so boring that I want to cut off my arm just so I can hit you with it

Music is in my blood

--> My Dad was a Harmonium Salesman

or

--> My Dad was a guitar salesman


To me it's not about the money and fame, it's just about the music

--> I auditioned for Indian Idol

I love all kinds of music

--> Britney Spears is God

I love to read

--> I have only read The Da Vinci code and I loved it

I read anything I can get my hands on

--> Anything by Sidney Sheldon, Daniel Steel and Jackie Collins

I love reading autobiographies

--> I read Jenna Jameson's and Larry Flynt's books

I have eclectic taste in books

--> My bookshelf is full of cheap translated Scandinavian literature

I like mainstream books, I'm not an elitist

--> I only read books recommended by the Oprah Book Club

I don't like popular fiction

--> I have read and re-read Lord of the rings and Harry Potter

I only read books which uplift my soul

--> I only read self-help books

Books for me are like a journey

--> I love Mills & Boon

I give the book a rating of 1 out of 5

--> The author did not sign my copy of the book and did not pay for lunch

My book is not for everyone, it's a piece of art

--> My book is the biggest pile of monkeycrap anybody has ever written

Writing is a lost art

--> I wrote a book but no publisher was even ready to publish it even if I paid them

Modern Authors can't compare to Shakespeare and Blyton

--> I'm British

I am a big fan of the translated books of Rabindranath Tagore and Premchand

--> I have no clue who Arunadhiti Roy, Jhumpa Lahri and Salmam Rushdie are and I don't even care

Jhumpa Lahri limits herself to writing about expat Bengali families only

--> I can't get a visa to visit the US

Indian authors have a unique spin on life

--> No one writes about white people anymore

I have the hardcover special collectors edition of this book

--> Even though I haven't read the book, I do have more money than you which makes me more intelligent

The First Annual Prime Ministerial Correspondents Dinner

I was watching the White House Correspondents dinner and after it was over I felt sad that our esteemed PM would not be getting such an honor. And being the kind hearted soul I am, I thought that I should write one. I may not be Stephen Colbert or Craig Ferguson but I'm the only one who cares, so Dr Singh be ready for the speech of a lifetime. So let's imagine that we have the Prime Minister, his cabinet colleagues the opposition and all the power brokers sitting together in Vigyan Bhawan's main hall.We have been asked to deliver the keynote address. So here it is:

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Prime Ministerial correspondents dinner.

So, Mr. Prime Minister, this may be your last year in office. I mean if the congress wins the election next year, Mrs. Sonia Gandhi may select someone else to do her bidding. Of course sir, I am just kidding. Just like the left front kids around with the country's interest. In fact the left front hates the United States almost as much as Obama's pastor. However, if the left loved India even half as much as they love China, your government would be able to make at least some intelligent foreign policy decisions.

Now I see Rahul Gandhi sitting in the front row. Now, Rahul, I know you're not old enough to have a drink in one of Delhi's nightclubs but it's heartening to know that you might be our next prime minister. Congratulations. You are going to inherit an empire of more than a billion people with a rich cultural heritage and teeming with problems that have not been solved since your grandfather was PM.

Sitting next to Rahul, we see another Prime Minister in waiting, Mr LK Advani. In fact Mr Advani has been waiting for so long to be Prime Minister, that his new book is called Waiting Room. Mr Advani, your party must get it's act together before the next election otherwise you are going to be waiting for the rest of your life.

Oh wait!! I see Arjun Singh in the crowd. Sir, could you please stand and take a bow? Some of your fans, namely the upper caste medical students who couldn't get admission in AIIMS want to give you a standing ovation. What's that sir, you cannot stand. Oh I'm sorry. I forgot. Please accept my apologies. Sir, It's an honor to meet you. It is only once in a lifetime that one gets the opportunity to meet someone who is older than AK Hangal. In fact, ladies and gentlemen Mr Arjun Singh is so old, his first girlfriend was Anarkali's mother. A little known fact about Arjun Singh is that he used to be drinking buddies with Bahadur Shah Zafar. In fact, yesterday they found Arjun Singh's baby teeth among the ruins of Mohenjadaro. Please sir, don't try to speak. Most of us don't understand sanskrit.

Ah! And there is Mr Pranab Mukherjee. Our pan chewing foreign minister. You know, very few people know about Mr Mukherjee's secret bet with US president George Bush. Oh Yes. You see, both of them have been competing for the past few years to find out the man who is most efficient at butchering the English language. I think Mr Mukherjee, has won, hands down. We are proud of you sir and honored that you represent us. However, please stop wiping your pan stains on Sharad Pawar's white safari suit. It's the only one he has.

We also have members of the Indian media present here. Our Indian press has come a long way. And it's great to see our newspapers and T.V. bring real issues to the forefront instead of acting like cheerleaders for the government. Our reporters have matured over the years and do not act anymore like a three year old child who fell into a deep, dark ditch,
These people bring to the forefront issues which affect our everyday life. They tell us which celebrities are doing each other and what Lakshmi Mittal eats for breakfast. So let's give it up for the Indian media.

Anyway, unlike his cabinet colleagues who forget to inform him about important policy decisions, we shouldn't forget that this evening is about Dr Manmohan Singh.

So let's celebrate the term of a prime minister who takes decisions after they have been approved by a higher power. God, Gandhi, same thing, right?

Let’s celebrate the fact that we have a president and prime minister who bear allegiance not to the country, not to the flag, but to a family. Just like in The Sopranos. Such nobility and loyalty is so rare in this day and age. Though the congress party is full of such pioneers.

Of course this PM has had his comic moments. He really did entertain us with his unimaginably hilarious statements like The BJP wants him to die or that homosexuality is against Indian Culture or that he doesn’t know anything about politics. However you shouldn’t just sit there, you should clap for this man. He has his principles, but he has the hindsight not to be enslaved by them. If that isn't applause worthy, I don't know what is.

So let’s celebrate the fact that in the sixtieth year of independence, the government wants to ban actors smoking on screen. A measure which provides a smokescreen for real issues like inflation, poverty and corruption. Or let’s celebrate the brilliant idea of the finance minister, who decided that the only way to increase tax collections is to increase the tax burden on the people who already pay the tax. Wonderful idea. You need to applaud, ladies and gentlemen, not just sit there with an expression of disgust.

Of course, who can forget the brave decision to kill the Indo-US nuclear deal, something which caused irreparable damage to India’s reputation in the US Congress? Let’s celebrate the fact that because of a few people living in 1970, like Sitaram Yechury & Co, our ability to generate electricity is severely harmed thus putting a spanner in the country's economic development.

This brave man insisted on continuing with what some people termed as populist measures like unnecessary subsidies. Though they harmed the economy in the long run, at least they bought his allies into power in their respective states.

We should feel proud of the fact that this particular council of ministers has amongst it’s midst, a man convicted of murder and a man convicted of embezzling a few hundred crores.
The PM's efforts at rehabilitating these ex-criminals are incredible and deserve a Param Vir Chakra.

We are here to celebrate the catastrophic failure of a government we have at the center. A government, which if it wins power again, will follow the same self fulfilling prophecy it has for the past four-and-a-half years. A government which claims to exist for the common man, but has done nothing to decrease the common man's misery. So let’s give our beloved prime minister a standing ovation, for he made a huge effort to ensure that history will rank him as one of India's most ineffective Prime Ministers.

Personally, I’m glad your term is coming to an end Mr. Prime Minister. In fact I can’t wait for your government to leave. However, I would request you to do me one last favor. Please, sir, don't let the door hit you on the a** on your way out.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your time. I hope you enjoyed your evening. Good Night.

Weekend Update

It was so warm today, Shatrugan Sinha called Amitabh Bachchan just for the cold shoulder.

It was so warm today, Harbhajan Singh went around slapping people from the met department.

It was so warm today that scantily dressed hindu conservatives pissed of Malika Sherawat.

It was so warm today, President Bush started blaming India for global warming.

Have you heard? Yesterday, President Bush during a speech said that the current global food shortage crisis was caused because of increased food demand in India. You know, it's good to see that General Musharaf has finally found a new job working as Bush's speech writer.

The Dalai Lama's envoy is holding talks with the Chinese government. They had a good start. Both of them have come to the conclusion that Chicken Manchurian sucks and Chilli Gobhi is an outrage.

Ganguly said yesterday that his team lost four matches in a row because of a certain "situation". Yes, apparently, sucking at batting and bowling can now be termed as a "situation".
In fact, "situation" is the new "wardrobe malfunction". Time to update your pop culture dictionaries, people.

Yesterday, in Kentucky, a couple left their two month old baby in the car for more than 20 minutes while they went to see the Kentucky Derby. Hey, I didn't know that Britney And K-Fed were back together.

At a recent public event, PM Manmohan Singh asked the captains of Indian industry to cut down on frivolous spending and to live a more aesthetic life. He then left the function in one of his 3 BMW's and was followed by 24 other cars in his entourage.

Top 10 signs that you are not smarter than a fifth grader

10. You spent eight years in the 5th Grade and still had to bribe your way out
9. You are hooked on to India TV & Star News
8. In a DVD store, you ask for Krazzy 1 , 2 & 3
7. When faced with a tough situation, you find yourself thinking "What would Shilpa Shetty do?"
6. On your Shaadi.com profile, you describe yourself as having the wit & charm of the great khali
5. You write a fan letter to Jadoo from Koi Mil Gaya
3. Your speech about religion which no one can understand is a viral video on You Tube
2. You need to send a memo to your council of ministers asking them to keep you in the loop on major policy decisions even though you are the Prime Minister
1. You post a lousy Top 10 list on a blog which no one reads

Best news article EVER!!

This is the reason I can never be a journalist. I thought that the cheerleaders issue had died down. But, boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Apparently, it's big enough to be picked up by Reuters. And even though they put it in their oddly enough section, the tone of the article is more serious than an eulogy at a state funeral. If I could have been able to write like this, I would be a rich, rich man.


The article begins with some great quotes by eminent Indian politicians, for example:

"The manner in which semi-clad girls keep shaking their limbs is in bad taste," Uddhav Thackeray, head of the hardline Hindu nationalist Shiv Sena party was quoted as saying in the Times of India.

Shaking your limbs!! Don't you just hate it when people do that? It's disgraceful, I tell you. An outrage. The nerve. God is going to damn them to hell for revealing their limbs like that.


The article also reveals some really important facts:

The sight of many foreign women and Indians dancing in high boots and skimpy shorts sparked anger from both Hindu nationalists, who opposed their open sexuality, and some leftist parties who said it crudely copied Western culture.

I am sure the hearts of Hindu "nationalists" and "leftist" parties would be warmed to know that they are on the same side. How dare the cheerleaders open their sexuality in the land of the Kamasutra? They should be arrested and sent back to the Western world full of immoral people having sex for fun. In India, people can only have sex to bear a male child. Otherwise it is a sin against Indian culture.

However, my favorite line from this article has to be:

The cheerleaders appeared at the match in less revealing outfits -- where there was once exposed cleavages, midriffs and thighs, there was now only skintight lycra.

Lets read that again. ...Where there was once exposed cleavages, midriffs and thighs ...This is real HARD hitting news. The amount of detail the reporter has provided us with is astonishing. Each and every exposed body part has been documented and mentioned separately. I'm sorry, not body parts, each and every limb has been mentioned separately.
......There was now only skintight lycra. Skintight Lycra. One last time. Skintight Lycra. I can never even in my wildest dreams be so articulate. This is just too good for words. The author of this article has to be a demi-God of journalism.


The article ends with the following paragraph:

But well-known cheerleaders from the Washington Redskins are still performing for the Bangalore Royal Challengers, and there have been no reports that they have toned down their performances.

Err..ummmm...ahem...... I hate to be a party pooper, but if this is true then WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF THE ARTICLE?

I am telling if this article does not win the Pulitzer prize, I am crying foul. Nothing can come close to it. Nothing. Thanks to google and it's targeted display of news items I was able to view this article and enrich my life forever. I shall now be able to die a happy man.

Hindu Organisation petitions Malika Sherawat

After her recent fashion faux paux at the music release function of Kamal Hasan's latest movie, Malika Sherawat was today petitioned by a hindu youth organistation, the HHA (Horny Hindus Association) to wear less clothes.

The HHA have released the following statement:

We, the HHA, encourage Ms. Sherawat to wear more revealing clothes. At a recent public event, she was covered from her neck to her knees. Even her feet were invisible under some godforsaken shoes Jackie Chan had given her. There wasn't even a hint of cleavage. Thousands of our members who had gathered there to catch a glimpse of her ass were outraged to see that she was all covered up. We urge her not to be pressured to dress appropriately while in public. Those old prudish basteds don't know what they are talking about. We would rather that Ms. Sherawat while selecting an outfit for a public appearance should remember not to leave anything to the imagination. Frankly, if she doesn't show us any T & A, all we are left with is Rakhi Sawant. And with all due respect to that media whore Ms. Sawant , we'd rather wank over Ritiesh Deshmukh in drag.

The HHA has started a campaign, Thongs for Malika, to garner support so as to send a strong message to Ms. Sherawat that Less is More. They are also sending volunteers to Ms. Sherawat's house every hour to collect the sarees being sent to her by the Mahila Mukti Sammelan. The sarees that are collected are being sent to tsunami affected areas in Tamil Nadu, to serve as a temporary shelter for families for whom the government has still not been able to build concrete homes.

Loose Ends

Harbhajan Singh has a new theme song: Slap my Bitch up .....

After he was seen crying so much on TV, Srisanth has landed a new sponsor, Pampers.

After the Bhaji-Sri row, now Ganguly and Warne have started trading verbal barbs.
When he heard about it, Harbhajan Singh said These guys are all talk and no balls!


Amy Winehouse's father wants to put her in a mental institution. Wow!! I'm sure nobody saw this coming.

If she doesn't go, at least we know what her next song is going to be about.

Amy Winehouse was recently released on a charge of slapping an onlooker. She was let go because it was one of those few times she was sober.

Q: What profession would the offspring of Amy Winehouse and Harbhajan Singh excel in?
A: Slapstick Comedy


Sonia Gandhi gave a speech on Monday saying that there is no place for violence in politics in a democracy. Then Raj Thackrey stood up and gave the rebuttal.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh yesterday criticized and blamed the global financial crisis on the bad handling of the financial sector in developed economies like the US. To which President Bush replied Thank you, Captain Obvious ...

In fact the economy is so bad in the US these days that former NY governor Elliot Spitzer was only able to spend $500 on prostitutes this month.

Hillary Clinton recently liked herself to Rocky recently. Not to be outdone, John McCain in a speech yesterday likened himself to the Disney Character, Old Yeller.


The movie Tashan has flopped so bad, that everytime Shahid Kapoor sees a poster or a promo of the movie, he gets an orgasm.

The "great" Khali is coming to India. Therefore, I'm leaving.
If I wanted to listen to a big, stupid oaf talk in an incomprehensible language, I'd watch a Sharad Pawar interview.
Khali is what would happen if Snoop Dogg and Jaspal Bhatti mated.


The Indian health minister, Dr Ramados recently said that hindi movies should not show actors either drinking alcohol or eating potato chips. It's all part of his new India is my fat, alcoholic teenage son campaign.

In response to his statement, censor board chief Sharmila Tagore released a statement asking Ramados to concentrate on his real job. She then went back inside the studio to be the judge for a reality show.

In a recent statement US Secretary of State Condolezza Rice said that the global food shortage was due to the improved diets of people in India and China. She also said that George Bush is a genius who is not appreciated in his own time, that Dick Cheney has a heart of gold, and the US is winning the war in Iraq. She then said that she is celebrating 4/20 a little late.


Major telephone operators slashed their long distance call rates this week. Great!! Now you can ignore your relatives at a cheaper rate.

A Stolen Tag

So we stole a tag from Moo. Sorry. We're jobless and devoid of anything interesting to do.

So what the hell? As the great man once said, here we go:

1) Last Movie You Saw in a Theatre:

Turistas and it was HORRIBLE ....... We had to see it because there was no other alternative and my cousins visiting from abroad wanted to experience an Indian "theater" ... wat-fuckin-ever

2) What book are you reading?

Good question. Though it should be book(s).
We are currently reading Side Effects By Woody Allen, The Zahir by Paulo Cohelo, The Book of Man by Osho. We just finished reading The Godfather, which is the BEST book ever. [yes, we read multiple books at the same time. We are kind of fucked in the head].

3) Favourite Board Game

Strip Monopoly, Strip Ludo, Strip Scrabble [..er... u get the idea]

4) Favourite Magazine

The New Yorker ..... used to read playboy when I was a kid (only FOR the articles, I assure you)

5) Favourite Smell

The smell of coffee,
The smell of a new book,
The smell of newly minted money

6) Favourite Sounds

The purr of an engine,
the sound of the espresso machine,
The sound of the door closing as soon as I wake up. Saves me a lot of needless conversation.

7) Worst feeling in the world

When I have to be nice to people,
When I have to praise ugly and untalented kids, [what???]
When a relationship lasts for more than two weeks [that's the pits].


8) What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

Most of the following:

What's her name?
Damn, that WAS too much alcohol!
I think I'll call in sick today too!
Do I have to make conversation?
Can I have her make a cup of coffee before she leaves?
Her sister was so much better!!
That was an awesome threesome!! You are good!!
Dammit, what the fuck is her name ...
That was one of the best times .... and she was a lesbian!! [looking down] good work, boy!!


9) Favourite Fast Food Place

KFC - it's finger lickin good (in fact im havin some right now)

10) Future Child's Name

Exhibit A (for when I sue the condom company)

11) Finish this statement- "If I had a lot of money, I'd..."

Piss it all away,
Open my own publishing house to publish the crap I write,
Buy Comedy Central and have it run the sitcoms I want,
Buy all the Indian news channels, shut them down and burn their archive footage and feed the ashes to the then former owners of headlines today

12) Do you drive fast?

My legal advisers have asked me not to answer this question .... The matter is still in the courts

13) What was your first car?

It was made by atlas cycles, and my dad bought it for me on my third b'day

14) Storms- Cool or Scary?

Fuckin Scary ...... It prevents me to have my coffee while driving ....

15) Did you sleep with a stuffed animal?

No!! Please, she's not that bad looking!! Jesus .... Since when did tags start being so judgmental?

16) Favourite Drink?

Screwdriver (w/o the orange juice),
Rum with a flavor of Diet Coke,

Tequila .... [technically not a drink]

and freshly grounded coffee .........

17) Finish this statement- "If I had the time, I would..."

write a blog making fun of everyone ...... and be offensive and politically incorrect on all occasions ...to all demographics ..... [err.. I already do that, don't I??]
or learn to spell and then write the great Indian novel

18) Do you eat the stems with Broccoli?

Now, what sort of question is that?It's like asking do you kiss with your mouth open? or Do you use a tongue when you kiss? Do you decide not to use the gearbox while driving? Do people still call it a gearbox? Congrafuckingtulations ...

19) If you could dye your hair any other colour, what colour would it be?

I love my natural hair, thank you very much. Though at the rate it's turning white, I might need to dye it black!!

20) Name all the different towns/cities you've lived in.

Delhi

21) Favourite Sports to Watch?

Wrestling (WWE), Football

22) One nice thing about the person who sent this to you.

Since I stole it myself, I would say that I am a wonderful person, God's gift to the planet and when I was made me, God broke a new and special mold.

23) What's under your bed?

Right now? 24 empty beer bottles and 2 dozen boxes of Durex's finest

24) Would you like to be born as yourself again?

Ahhh YEAH!! Who else can compare to the King of Kings!!

25) Morning Person or Night Owl

A Night Owl who stays up during the day too ...

26) Over Easy or Sunny Side Up

Sunny side up

27) Favourite Place to Relax

In me bed or me jacuzzi [read that with a slight british accent ... then u'll get it]

28) Favourite Pie?

Mostly Putang pie, but apple is nice too ..... [don't google that, it is absolutely crass and vulgar, which if you aren't me it might not be your thing]

29) Favourite Ice Cream Flavour

"Iced Chocolate coffee Flavored Eskimo Frappucino" [yeah, baby]

30) Of all the people you've tagged who's the most likely to respond to this?

Anyone jobless, with a sense of humor and a long attention span.


So there. That wasn't half bad I think. However, no more tags for a while.