AAAAAAAARGH!

Seriously? What's wrong with people's CV's these days? Is there some kind of make-a-crappy-resume epidemic going around that I don't know about?

People have got to stop making their CV"s like a 5-year old retard child. I've read real classic lines in the CV.

(a) Participated in Sony-TV pro gramme Boggie Woogie in 20**. (Actual quote .. along with typos)

Really? How sad is your life if among your achievements you had to list a D-rated reality program? You think that impresses me? Even if you had a PhD from Harvard fucking university I would not hire you. In my mind, if any sane person agrees to voluntarily participate in a reality show, to be judged by such imminent personalities like Gangu Bai, and Raju Rickshawallah then dude, you need help. Immediate, don't-have-enough-time-to-even-blink, psychiatric help. And to put it on your resume, the document which helps others decide your capability in their organization, is murder. Career suicide. The only people who would actually employ you - Reality shows. So I guess that works out fine in the end.

(b) Looking for an organization which provides me growth
Listen, Dude, we're not Major League Baseball. We ain't here to provide you with Human growth hormone. We don't scan resumes and say "Hey this mofo is looking for growth ... We found our guy ...". So you wanna grow. Whoopti-fuckin-doo. Isn't everyone. Isn't that a given? Have you come across any person, who is not another the influence of and legal or illegal substance who actually goes "Nah!! I actuall want to work for a company which shrinks and loses money every year. Insert Smiley." No. Simply because most people want to succeed in thier career. Unless you work in a funeral parlor. Or for the government. (Same shit, dawg).
The last person who came with a resume which mentioned this line, I actually TORE the paper in front of him and stormed out of the room. So the court case notwithstanding, let it serve as a warning for future growth seekers. Thanks.

(c) Interests: Listen Music and read

Conversation 1:
Interviewer: So what kind of music do you like?
Candidate: I listen to lots of Hip and Hop.
Interviewer(after two minutes of squirming in his seat and rolling his eyes): Which artists?
Candidate: Vanilla Ice and Baba Sehgal.
Interviewer(texts his friend to kill him right now): And which was the last book you read?
Candidate: Chandamama ....

Conversation 2:
Interviewer: So what kind of music do you like?
Candidate: I listen to heavy rock and metal.
Interviewer(pleasegodpleasegodpleasegodpleasegodpleasegodspleasegod): Which artists?
Candidate: Pink Floyd and Backstreet Boys.
Interviewer(looks at the candidate in amazement for five minutes): And which was the last book you read?
Candidate: The Day Vinci Code .... (not a typo, actual quote)
Interviewer(almost in tears): What is the story?
Candidate: Well, this guy dies and then this guy can read symbols and this french woman is Jesus's daughter........... and .....
Interviewer(cutting off candidate): Ummmm ... Thank you for your time, please don't call us. If and only if required, WE will get back to you.

(the conversations are self explanatory)

People, I have no problem with people who listen to Baba Sehgal while reading chandama and chomping on a bag of haldiram chips. All I ask is that you do not meet me. Ever. I have already been very close to a fucking nervous breakdown. And if you say you've read a book then fucking at least see the movie.

*The reason these questions were asked is because we required someone who had good communication skills and was able to engage in small talk with clients, in case anyone is still reading/wondering.

The quest for Entertainment ...

The following is a recollection of the horror of what was without any argument one of the most painful evenings of my life.

So, what happened was that due to some unforeseen and unplanned circumstances, I ended up at home last Saturday night. Alone. With medium quality Chinese takeout to eat and Indian television to watch. Yes, I had to watch television. I did not want to read the 5 books I am currently reading and I did not want to watch a DVD cause I am Lazzzy (i mean the DVD cabinet is faaaaaar) and I did not want to use you tube cause I was bored. So we ended up switching on the TV. Needless to say, we were horrified, bored and our mind was turned into mush. Despite various warnings from other sane minded people, we dared to venture into the world that is called Indian TV. Or at least whatever tata sky was offering. Sit back and enjoy the highlights.

We first started with a show on one of those hindi channels which basically had some losers playing pranks on helpless bystanders. To give you an idea why lots of people commit suicides in India, these contestants went to bridge or something and as people walked by, they broke into an impromptu song and dance. Then the jury, which consisted of Farah Khan (or Sajid Khan ... coudn't make out), Cyrus Brocha and ...... and ..... and ... MIKA. Mi fucking ka. Mika as in the Punjabi Singer. So I threw my slipper at the screen and changed the channel. Is this what people's self respect has come to? Being judged by Mika?

So we thought maybe we can listen to some music. However, when we switched to the music channels ALL of them were showing one reality show or another. ALL of them. One had people with the iq of 15 doing dances, the other had roadies, which featured and a task involving acting like bangcock (....get it?) lady boys. It was awful. Then, vh1 had laguna beach. The last one really surprised me. Do they actually think we want to blonde male and female bimbos have relationship conversation? What happened to playing some fucking music? Why do these motherfucking music channels show reality TV? Isn't that what general entertainment and hindi news channels are for?

And what makes people participate in these reality shows? Is it the suffering? Is it the humiliation? Is it dancing like a whore with your ass hanging out? What? Well, that deserves it's own post.

So our quest for watching something entertaining continued, so next up were some award shows on NDTV imagine. I wanted to attend award shows, I would've gone to my own convocation. Anyhoo, we changed channels. We thought maybe CNN is showing the daily show with Jon stewart. But nooooooooo, they were showing something about britney spears ...... Gosh!! My stomach churned and I threw up.

So, still not giving up, backed up a little and Lo! behold .... some english news channel was showing a vignette on Saif Kareena, who, Fyi, have not yet been given their own portmanteau supercouple name. I suggest the following, SaK, FaK, Kaif, khanpoor, Sebo.
I really don't give a flying fuck anyway.

So, we ended our quest to be entertained by Indian television there and then. We would rather our brain be fried over a tandoor and dipped in Olive oil and then chopped into little pieces and fed to hungry people from bangaldesh.

A look at our politicans .....

How about that Arjun Singh?

He looks like what Anupam Kher would look in a 100 years ..... He looks like the guy who drives a 1980 model red maruti 800 at 20 kms/hr on a highway ..... He looks like the guy who watches Hindi News channels all day ..... He looks like the guy who buys tickets to a Rakhi Sawant concert ..... He looks like a guy who criticizes teenage girls for wearing low cut jeans but secretly ogles them .... He looks like the guy who actually saw RGV ki Aag ..... He looks like a guy who runs for president of an association of residential colonies ....... He looks like the guy who has to be told that his mobile phone is ringing ..... He looks like the guy whose children don't want to stay with him ..... He looks like the guy who plays the President of Pakistan in a hindi movie ..... He looks like the guy who is married to Nirupa Roy ..... He looks like guy who cries every time he watches Mughl-e-azam .... He looks like the guy who keeps complaining how expensive stuff is in this day and age .... He looks like a chief guest at a function organized by a government school ....


How about that Uma Bharti?

She looks like a woman who sends sarees to Malika Sherawat's house ..... She looks like a woman who thinks thinking of sex can make one pregnant .... She looks like a woman who watches channels like Sanskar and Aastha the whole day long .... She looks like a woman who sends inland letters to her grandchildren ..... She looks like a woman who thinks that all white women are whores .... She looks like the women in a hindi movie who does not hand over the keys to the tijori to her daughter-in-law ..... She looks like a women who beat their chest when the neighbor dies ..... She looks like a woman who blames a young widow for her husband's death ...... She looks like a woman who sent hate mail to ekta kapoor when mihir virani died ..... She looks like a woman who fights with her subziwala for an extra cucumber ..... She looks like a woman who participates in adverts for surf excel .....

Loose Ends

Republican presidential candidate, John McCain is looking for a running mate. Yeah, the running mate needs a few important qualifications, knowledge of the econ0omy, foreign affairs and the ability to conduct constant prostate examinations.

******

British citizens were warned by their dental health organization not to come to India for cheap dental treatment. Boy, you know you dental care sucks if even the British are criticizing it. I mean have you even seen the queen's teeth? No wonder her husband calls her cabbage affectionately. It reminds him of the piece of cabbage that got stuck between her teeth when she was 14.

******

Madonna is now keen to adopt a child from India.

Our sources have revealed the name of the adopted child ...... Shipla Shetty.

Not to be outdone, Angelina Jolie has announced that she will adopt the country of Bangladesh.

******

The boyband from yesteryear, New Kids on the block, have reunited. However, keeping their age in mind thier band has been renamed to New Kids on the Assisted Living Block.

******

Rahul Gandhi is currently on a Discover India tour. That man is smart. If the congress loses the next election, he can go to work making documentaries for National Geographic.

You know who else went on a mission to discover India? Christopher Columbus. Well, we all know how swell that turned out.

******

Yana Gupta is now going to sing a rap song ...

I really feel sorry for the 5 people who will actually hear the song ...

******

Shah Jahan's dagger has been sold for 13 crore rupees.

In fact the only other artifact to survive from Shah Jahan's time is actor AK Hangal.

The guy who bought the dagger also received a marrige proposal from Heather Mills-McCartney.

Forbes just announced the new methodology used to grade the world's richest people for their annual list. It'll be divided into two sections. Section A will be people who can afford to marry Heather Mills and section B will be people who cannot.

******

Ban 'em

The following words/phrases need to be seriously banned. They might have been cool a few years ago, but now they are the best sellers at lame-o-rama.

So here we go:


1. Rockin \ Rock on

original meaning: used by rolling stone magzine between 1998 to 2001 to describe electryfying performances by alternative bands like Linkin Park.
what killed it: ever since people heard judges of every Indian reality show say "This was a rockin' performance" or "..You are a rock star ... Rock On" (..uggh). Now only used to describe himesh (yes .... im about to puke) reshamiya performances as in His performance at the dandia festival was rockin.

2. Chill \ Chill Out

original meaning: This was a popular slang during the 80's used in conjunction with other coll-at-that-time slang like daddy-o. eg: Chill out, Daddy-o, it's just a bag of weed.
what killed it: two things. (a)When it was used by wannabes in ekta kapoor serials in the form of "Chilla-axe" (b) When it was used as a song in a Salman Khan movie.

Is now used in advertisments for b-grade soft drinks in Madhur Bhandarkar movies.

3. Wassup \ S'up

original meaning: was introduced in popular culture through the Budweiser super bowl advertisments. Was popular for a few years.
what killed it: it died a natural death. It's usage is limited to people over thirty and people who ape the character Ross from FRIENDS. May also be the conversation opener for people who spell cool as kewl.

4. Whatever

original meaning: This word was originally used to describe an attitude of apathy and was an answer to everything. It used to be the epitome of the who-gives-a-shit attitude.
eg:
Person 1: Rita has given birth to quad triplets.
Person 2: Whatever


Girl: I love you ....
Guy: Whatever .....

what killed it: When emo teens only used this word for conversation.

eg:

Mom: Jack, come and have your dinner....
Emo teen: Whatever ....

Cop: Jane, your sister is in the hospital, your mother ran away with her brother and your Dad got arrested for humping a picnic table
Emo Teen: Whatever ....


5. Karma

original meaning: This was Lord Krishna's way of telling Arjuna, whatever the fuck goes around, comes around. Not that I am a big fan, but what else can you tell people who have just broken up/gotten divorced/gotten smooched by Govinda?
what killed it: When million of white folks descended on the holy cities on the banks of the ganges, having orgies with naked sadhus. Also, the final nail in the coffin was when Shilpa Shetty proclaimed on national television that she believes in Karma.


6. Biatch

original meaning: Meant to be a slang replacement of bitch
what killed it: David Lettermen using it in his Top Ten List. Also, what did it for me, when I heard graduates from IIPM using it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post is not meant to offended anybody, but if anybody is offended, all I have to say is:

Chill Out, biatch. Getting angry is bad karma. Wassup with that? Whatever.

Loose Ends

India's agriculture minister, Mr Sharad Pawar has said that there is a shortage of wheat because people in the south are having more chappitis than they used to.

Pawar also said that people in the north-east are putting too much salt in their lemonade, the citizents of Delhi have started to use too much sugar in their tea, and that the Bhang in Benaras is not what it used to be.

*******

Cuba's government will now allow it's citizens to have mobile phones. Great, once that works out they will talk about Indoor plumbing and heated food.

*******

The Hillary Clinton campaign has unveiled their new slogan: Duck!!

Not to be outdone, Barack Obama's campaign has released a statement in which they say that if the senator wins the white house, he will bring make congress pass a bill which will make a special day to be known as Crazy Pastor Day.

*******

There is this whole war of words between MNS on behalf of Nana Patekar and Jharkhand's CM on behalf of Tanushree Dutta. Also, Karnataka and Tamil Nadu are at odds again.

And you though the IPL would divide the country!!

*******

The screw ups at heathrow's new terminal have been so bad ..... even the people at the Patna airport are like "C'mon" ....

*******

The way The Indian government have been bending over backwards for the Chinese government, it seems like the government has been outsourced to General Mussharaf.

*******

Last night, I saw Sonali Bendre as a judge in a reality show. She was actually giving people tips for a successful career ... And I was like ..... How does she know? ........

I'm not saying that Sonali Bendre's career was unsuccessful but she got more coverage for being invited to the Abhi-Ash wedding than she got in her whole career.

This is really stretching the word "Reality" ..init?

*******

Breaking News: IOC changes name to BBC

by our staff reporter

New Delhi, April 3

The Indian Olympic Committee has changed it's name to the Beijing's Bitches Committee . The president of the committee, Mr. Chu Tiya has said that this rightly reflects the allegiance of the organization formerly known as IOC. "China's Chairman is our Chairman" said the president, echoing the slogan the Indian left parties have been using since 1962.
He said that after all that CHina had done for them, this is the least they could do. "This name change was not due to the the threat by Beijing that if we don't change the name, they will not let the Olympic torch come to India. We had planned to do it ages ago, but we looking for the right time and opportunity." He also said that other names were considered but this was the one unanimously chosen by the committee's board of directors. The other choices were, NBA (No Balls Academy), CGUO (China Gives Us an Orgasm), BBC (Beijing's Basted Children). He also made an announcement that Baichang Bhutia would be banned from all future events hosted by the former IOC. "What he did amounts to treason".

The left parties have praised this decision and called the BBC a pioneer. "This should have been done years ago", said Hitaram Yechury. "As soon as we accept China's supremacy over the rest of the world, the better", he exclaimed. He added that this is just a first step in their dream of one Chinindia, from Shanghai to Saharanpur, from Hong Kong to Hubli. He also said that we should also make Chicken Manchurian our national dish.

The external affairs minister, Mr Pranab Mukrlee, said that he would move a bill in parliament which would put lead in children's toys and pet food to show solidarity with China. "Just because a few thousand pets died and millions of infants were poisoned by Chinese made pet food and toys, does not give the big capitalist devil, the United States the right to ban imports from China. This is all a big conspiracy against the harmless peace loving dragon ", he said fuming with anger and frothing from the mouth.


The Chinese ambassador to India, Mr Hung Ho, said that India is doing all the right things. "However, we still don't give a fuck", he added.

Bhutia is no C*utiya

Ladies and gentlemen, the little BIG man from Sikkim deserves a round of applause. I really am not into Indian football much but this man, with his gesture has made me a fan of his. Finally, someone in the public domain who has the balls to say that China is f*cked up. He has proven, that he actually does have the golden balls. (Apologies for the horrible analogies)

However, the pussies in the Indian government are not moved. Pranab Mukhrjee issued a statement asking the Dalai Lama not to embarrass India. Wow.

Au contraire Mr Mukerjee, you are the one who is embarrassing India. You are the one is buying the propaganda Bejiing pedals. You are the one who crap in his pants when your ambassador is called at 2 a.m. You and your government are embarrassing Indian by letting China get away by laying claim to Arunachal Pradesh. The Dalai Lama has done nothing but appreciate your government for allowing him to stay. I'm sure if this was a muslim imam, he would have been allowed to be crazy. But it's the Dalai Lama. So who gives a shit? Isn't that right Mr Mukherjee?

I am embarrassed by you Mr Mukherjee. Embarrassed that I have to be represented by people like you. People who have no spine. Who can't stand up to the left for the country's future. People who cannot stand up to China because they are too shit scared. People who let China get away with murder while you try to silence a non-violent monk. YOU are an embarrassment. Not the Dalai Lama.

China has been eliminating the Tibetan identity like a cerebral assassin. The world just sits there and watches. Why not give the country which has one of the worst human right records in the world, the opportunity to host the olympics?
Just because they have a burgeoning economy , does not give them the right to act as they please. They have to be accountable. The Chinese government has to answer to the world for it's hitleresque actions in Tibet.

So Baichang Bhutia, well done. You're the first among equals. Good work. This is even better than the soccer world cup. Snubbing the arrogant dragon. To the people of Tibet, Carpe Diem!!