Sunday, March 30, 2008

New Rules

New rules: People who need to have a nice warm cup of STFU

People with news born kids:

Unless you are my brother or sister, stop trying to tell me how cute your kid is. I may fake an "Awwwwww" but I really coudn't give a rat's ass. No, I Don't need to be woken up at 3 AM because your kid is rapping out the alphabet. And no, I don't think it is funny that you kid mispronounces his name. In my book, he's gonna be a retard. Unless baby's first word consists of the F-bomb, I really am not interested.

People with nosy questions:

Just because you know my parents does not give you the right to question me. No, I don't think I should get married and I don't think I should look for a job with another company. I really don't care what you think constitutes good behavior. The only reason that I don't hit you is cause you know my parents. Though one of these days, I might forget that.

People who send the same wishes by SMS:

People need to stop sending the same message every year for all the occasions. I'm tired of reading the "let me wish you before the network gets jammed" message for Holi, Diwali, New Year's, Christmas, St Patrick's Day. No, don't send me the list of alcohol brands listed alphabetically. It does not mean that you're funny. It shows that (a) you're a closet alcoholic and (b) you don't have an original brain in your body. Next time a brain fart sends me a teddy which will stay in my inbox till 12.00 am is going to get an earful. Seriously.

News channels who dedicate hour long segments to the great khali:

Stop spoiling my favorite sport. Khali is the worst wrestler in the world and the only reason he is even in the WWE is because he is a freak show. He can't speak English to save his life and even when he speaks punjabi/hindi he is incomprehensible. So news channels who show reports about Khehli (what they call him) should be banned. Stop trying to act like Khali is the equivalent of the Tata-Jaguar deal. He's just a effing freak show. The only reason he became champion was because EVERYONE else was injured. He does not deserve to even be in a WWE ring. So stop trying to present him as India's next greatest conquerer. And everyone please stop showing the year old clips of him winning the championship. He ain't ever gonna win again, no matter how many havans there are on the banks of the ganges. And please stop saying wrestlemania is the grandaddy of em' all. I know. When I hear an Indian reporter say it in his hinglish accent, a part of me dies. So please, go back to ignoring wrestling and I can go back to watching it without having "khelieh is going to win at the grannddd-dadeeeh of them AAAll" ringing in my head.

People with Kids living overseas:

People with kids living overseas should really need to stop telling me how different things there are. Yes, I know they don't have any servants there. Yes I know both your child and their wives/husbands/mistresses have jobs which keep them out of the house for more than 12 hours. I know that. I know things are different there. How? It's a different country. Furthermore, unless he is sending me part of the million dollars per year he makes, I really don't give a flying fuck. Thanks.

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