Yes ladies and gentlemen, I had to watch the filmfare awards. I had to squirm in my sofa while the other people in the room enjoyed the perormance. The other people in the room being my family. So since we live in India and family is family, we would not be saying anything about them. They were already subjected to more than 1654323 of (a) my mock jokes on bollywood (b) degrading them for watching these awards (c) Purposely changing the channel to watch WWE No Way out (d) Enjoying mocking everyone even though I could run to the next room and watch the Great Khali get his ass beaten on a bigger screen. Needless to say, they have suffered enough.
So anyway, on to business. So if you were among the 100 million people who watch the ffare awards, please pat yourself on the back. You have been successfully duped by the biggest farce in the Indian film Industry. And no that's not IIFA because that is the second biggest farce.
Yes, I mean to say that Indian awards are a farce. Nice to see you catching on, sherlock. (I just kid, I have much love for everyone). The thing is, everyone goes home happy. Now let me explain how this works. Not that I am much of an award history buff, but this is how the system works.
Now Shahrukh Khan is always going to win because he is nominated. In the year he is not going to win, he will get some stupid awards like the power award. Hrithik Roshan is nominated every alternate year. Now he will sweep all the awards in the year he is nominated. He will get the best actor, best supporting actor, critics choice award (unless there is a Munnabhai release in the same year, in which case Sanjay Butt wins this award because he is highly unlikely to get the one that matters), the best actress awards (or the best performance by an actor in a female role and if you still don't know they are called actors with boobs and I don't mean Bappi Lahri) etc etc. Now during this time, both the Bachans will face each other in the Best Supporting Actor award and AB's baby win. Now AB will be nominated against SRK and of course SRK will win. In case neither of them is going to win, either Jaya or Amitabh is presented with a lifetime achievement award or a Sippy Award or a RD Burman award or again, a power award. SO that's how it works.
Also the main criteria of winning is that one should be present to accept the award, except when you are Aamir Khan in which case you will still get the award as an incentive to attend next year's show even though the rest of the cast comes and keeps on saying that Aamir doesn't accet awards.
If you still by any faint chance think that the awards are not fixed, I give you exhibit B.
Now, your honor, it is a know fact that Karrena and Saif are temporarily doing each other. Also, Kareena was nominated for best actress (i know, its really funny). Anyway, Saif Ali Khan was called to present the award. Isn't it such a perfect coincidence? Like it was written in the stars. Ans it's so good that Saif got some face time. After all if he hadn't been called to give the award then we wouldn't have known that he was even attending the event. So if the naive people still beleive that the award is not fixed, well then you would also beleive that I am the King of England and that Anu Malik is not influenced by english/spanish/bangladeshi music.
Also, if what SRK and Saif kept on mumbling is really humor? I mean ridiculing Saawariya or Bhansali is so funny. Not that I am a fan of either. The only thing I liked in that movie was Ranbir dropping his towel (which I saw on you tube). HA!
So my fellow naive Indians, please do not beleive that award ceremonies are not fixed. And please don't compare them to the Oscars. The Oscars may be more long, more boring and well more glamorous, but they have a certain class that filmfare or IIFA cannot have. And that is my opinion.
Another thing that was brought to my attention was this ridiculous monkey controversy going on in Australia. All I want to ask the Australian press is that really? REALLY? Bhaji taunting the crowd with monkey gestures? He was scratching his fucking armpit.The only thing that it signifies is that he fucking needs a shower. Since this is award season I would like to present the Australian media with the worse-than-Rajat Shama-India TV-Rakhi Sawant combined award. Congratulations. I also read an article in which Ricky Ponting was bitching about the "bad stuff" getting to the team. REALLY? REALLY? Whatever happened to fire-in-the-kitchen and other horrible analogies you guys used? So you lost. You were beaten. You ass was beaten yellow. Face it. Accept it. Making excuses is the job of the Indian team. You guys are supposed to be the motherfucking world champions. Act like it sometime. And Ponting, if you want to go ahead and diss India all the time and then bitch about not being paid well enough. Well, son, boo-fucking-hoo. If I were one the team owners, I would buy you and fucking bench you ass for the rest of the season. You would be the 13th man. The one carrying the luggage. Oh and this is just playful banter Ricky. We are of course friends of the field. I'm just sledging pal. It's like a pat on the butt. Like in baseball. The difference between baseball players and the Australian cricket team/ Well the baseball players have big heads and small nuts because they take steroids.
Isn't this whole Jodha Akbar controversy really getting silly? I mean they had to fucking move to the supreme court? Talk about sore losers. It's like complaining to the teacher. Can the people in our country stop being such drama queens? I mean didn't that used to be the jobs of Pakistanis? Being drama queens and protesting about all Indian shit? Now Indians protest about all Indian shit. Wow. I mean one can't even have a effing cup of coffee without violating someone's religon, caste/creed or bowel movement. Gawd!! Last time I checked this was India. Does the word democracy ring a bell? Remember those times when we were not allowed to express our opinion. Like BEFORE INDEPENDENCE?? Brings back such sweet horrible memories.
Will someone please get Sanjay-Manyata a marrige license already. I mean leave them alone motherfuckers. They got married. They have a right to do each other. Get off their case. (Not that I am a big fan. Just beleive in privacy).
So Anil Ambani won praises for giving up Rs. 5000 crores from his personal fortune to the company to distribute to public shareholders. Awwwwwwwwwwww ...... what's a few thousand crores between friends? I mean Anil only has a 100000 gazzilion dollars left? I mean he is practically destitute. We should start a fund for him. Oh..I'm sorry we already have that. It's called our national budget.
Can some edition of Big Brother call Shilpa Shetty back and keep her in the house for a couple of years? At least she will stop coming out with Yoga DVD's. And can you beleive that this was a best seller in Britain. What's next? A do-it-yourself KamaSutra manual? Or a cookbook? Can you please get married to a bloke in Germany and let us be. Thanks. Much appreciated.
That's it for this edition of Overated Outburst. Have fun.