All the news that no one else covers

Britney Spears wants her children to have a normal childhood.

Err... Call me a pessimist but I think her children were scarred for life after they saw her performance at last year's MTV VMA's.

In a new add against Obama, the McCain campaign saya that "hot chicks dig Obama".

I think the add might be having the opposite effect because after seeing it, former president Bill Clinton said "I'm sold. Screw Hillary. I'm voting for Obama."

The government of India wants to set an ethical code of conduct for our television channels.

Does anybody else get a sense of irony when our government talks about ethics. *cough* Shibhu Soren *cough*. It's like asking Deve Gowda to give a speech on motivation.

Pakistani President Musshraf might be ousted by the newly elected government.

It looks like his chances for survival are bleak. I mean just yesterday they put the Pakistani presidential palace up for sale on eBay. I don't think that's a good sign.

An Indian recently won a gold medal at the Beijing Olympics.

To which a puzzled country asked, "That's nice and all, but what does it have to do with cricket, exactly??"

Signs that you are participating in a lame Indian reality show

- it somehow involves Urmilla Matondkar

- you are being given advice on a successful career by Sonali Bendre

- it's on primetime on Zee USA

- the winner gets to star in a Himesh Reshyamiya movie

- it's being sponsored by itch guard

- you are paid for participation in monopoly money

- even Rakhi Sawant refuses to participate in your show

- your co-contestant are Mika and Shilpa Shetty

- your whole family is participating

- the eliminated contestant gets to carry Saroj Khan's tiffin to the shoot for a week

- you are continuously insulted by that stupid bald guy on Roadies

- all the contestants only claim to fame is being a participant in a reality show

- the winner of last season now has a Chinese Food stall at Juhu Beach

- it's on TV

7 Things Overheard in the George Bush-Manmohan Singh meeting during the G8 summit

7. My Cheney is a woman!!

6. Stop calling me Funmohan, you dumbass

5. Funny thing, even I became a leader without winning the popular vote

4. HELP!!! The President is choking on a piece of chicken tikka ... !! I'm not a real doctor dammit . . . HELP!!

3. Can I borrow Karl Rove for my next election?

2. No, I can't help you fix your PC. I'm not technical support.

1. Mr President, STOP PLAYING HIDE & SEEK and come out from under the table. It's not funny now and it wasn't funny the first 49 times either.

Loose Ends

According to new reports, they have finally translated what is believed to be the world's oldest joke.

Unfortunately, it was about Senator John McCain being old.

Speaking of McCain, he recently joked about killing millions of Iranians with cigarettes.

He followed it up with a funny anecdote about roasting gay people.

Then, suddenly the sky opened up and lightning struck him. Twice.

McCain also recently ran an add which compared Obama with Britney and Paris Hilton.

When quizzed about it he said "Nicole Ritchie was busy".

The McCain campaign also accused Obama of being presumptuous about his victory. .

When asked about it, the Obama campign said "That is no way to talk about the next President"

A pakistani wrestler has challenged the "Great" khali to a match.

Khali responded to the challenge by saying ...er..ummm... something.Our research team is still working on cracking it. We might have a response in the next few months.

How to lose an election and other stories

The stage was all set for a big political comeback. The BJP was finally in the process of getting it's act together. The Congress had lost 12 consecutive assembly elections. The former deputy prime minister was finally going to fulfill his dream

Then, suddenly, the left withdraws support.

The UPA plans to move a trust vote in the lok sabha.

Mayawati, with approximately just 32 MP's in her kitty, overshadows the BJP and takes up the opposition space.

The BJP is caught napping, again.

Then, it on the eve of the trust vote, when it finally thinks it has an ace up it's sleeve, wherein it thinks it's got the government by the b***s, it's plan goes awry and it looks like the party of the past, again.

Suddenly, the congress is the pro-reform progressive party and Mayawati & the left are the anti-UPA. The BJP is left without an issue, without a poll plank and with egg on it's face.

As the old saying goes, a week is too long in Indian politics.

Really, the BJP should write a book on how to lose an election.

*********

The flimsy excuses being used by the left and Mayawati to justify their opposition were simply hilarious (though not in the traditional sense).

One reason that was given to the press was that the nuclear deal is anti-muslim and that after signing the Nuke deal, America would start a war in Iran. Okay, even the 9/11 conspiracy theorists refuse to beleive this one. Sheesh.


*********

Okay, I've heard and read many conspiracy theories doing the round about the recent blasts being organized by one political party or the other.
The reason I don't beleive that is because the bombs actually went off. Our political parties can't even make a firecracker burst on Diwali.

Then, again, that's my opinion.

*********

The speech given by Omar Abdullah during the trust vote was the only speech worth listening too. Not that I care for any speeches made in parliament. Maybe our politicians need training lessons from a certain Mr Obama.

*********
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please note that we at overated outcast have an equal acute disdain for ALL political parties. I'm just sayin.

Unfunny

The Bachchan family fueled "Unforgettable" tour is underway.

Even with all of them out of the country, our media still doesn't find anything else to report. Do they have no be on another planet for some actual news to be reported? Oh wait, if they are on another planet, that is actual news. Sigh. We can never win.

Arjuna Ranatunga recently criticized India's focus on T20 cricket and said that it's a corruption of Test Cricket.

Ranatunga also criticized mobile phones and emails and said that he still uses his pet pigeon to deliver his letters. He then called Arjun Singh and both of them talked about how "simple" things were during their childhood in the 18th century.

Sylvester Stallone is now going to be seen in a Bollywood movie.

Yes. he is playing the same character in the remake that Simi Garewal played in the original Karz.

Snoop Dog has song the theme song for an upcoming bollywood movie.

Yes, apparently the song is called, Singh is Shizzle.

Prakash Karat gave a fiery speech denouncing the UPA government and the BJP for the drama in parliament.

People who were witness to the speech called it the worst elevator ride ever.

It is rumored that Bono is to be the Godfather for the infant Jolie-Pitt twins.

Yes, an official announcement is expected to be made right after Angelina & Brad adopt them.

Lok Sabha Idol

Even though the current honorable speaker of the honorable lok sabha might have done justice to his chair, word on the street is that he may resign.

So, we consider it our national duty to suggest a few candidates which might be able to bring order to the house.

1. Navjot Singh Sidhu
This BJP MP embodies the word speaker. If there is anyone in the whole world who can speak, it is this man. Once this man participated in a debate for 18 hours. Although, he was debating himself. He can speak better than Emran Hashmi can smooch or Vidya Balan can pick bad outfits. The upside is that once he gets started no one, and I mean no one can stop him. The downside is that with him in the speaker's chair, no one else would be able to talk. Uh-uh.

2. Dharmendra
The MP from Bikaner is can control a crowd with just a few words. Anybody who dares to cross the chair will be referred to as a domestic animal and will be threatened to be relived of some blood. Alternatively, when there is the usual pandemonium in the house, this MP will threaten to jump from the speaker's chair and commit "suicide".

3. Deve Gowda
Thought he is not a natural choice for speaker, his natural charm and wit make him an ideal candidate. If this man is the speaker, by the time he finishes opening the day's proceedings, it'll already be time to break for lunch. And when he really is in his element and decides to address the house, most of the people present will go into coma.

4. Laloo Prasad Yadav
Remember those school days when the class clown was made the monitor and we ended up laughing all the time he was up there? Putting Mr Prasad in that chair will have the same effect. Give this man a microphone and he will kill you with his wit. Clearly, he is ratings gold. Who else, can turn a debate about the future of India's power generation capacity into a bad comedy segment on India TV?

5. Pranab Mukhrejee
Having him as speaker is very advantageous. Most of the time, the members will be trying to figure out what he is actually trying to say. So there will really be no time to disrupt the house proceedings.

6. Renuka Chowdhary
Arguably, the only man in the Lok Sabha. Hell, she could take down the great khali with one hand and have the other hand free for a fist bump with foreign tourists. Anyone who dares to cross the chair gets an ass-whoppin of a lifetime. Man or Woman, she's an equal opportunity ass-kicker.

7. Javed Akhtar
Ok, I know he's not an MP, yet. However, can you imagine him sitting in the speaker's chair and awarding points after every speech?

"Yes, Mr Advani ... I liked your speech however it did not have the punch lines that your opponents had. And at this stage of the competition, one really needs to bring something special to the table. You really disappointed me. I was expecting much more out of you. I can only give you 6 points though I wanted to give you more but compared to Omar Abdullah's performance, you were really lacklustre."

8. Maneka Gandhi
Clearly, this women is good with animals. They listen to her. So who else, really, better to chair a Lok Sabha debate?

Now, who do you want to nominate?

de-MOCK-cracy

As I write this, our television channels and news sites beam images of currency notes being put on the tables in the well of the Lok Sabha. Yes, these images are disturbing. Yes, these images are shameful. Yes, it's a black day for democracy.

However, one thing it is not is surprising.

When I first saw those images, somehow, I was not shocked. Because, finally, the facade has been broken.

We always knew the truth. We knew that support is bought and sold. We even coined terms for it like horse trading and aya ram, gaya ram. Jokes about it are now part of Indian pop culture. We even read scathing editorials and blog posts. We held discussions about it. We made successful and unsuccessful movies portraying it. Today, we finally saw it.

That is why I don't feel shocked. I don't feel betrayed. I only feel bemused and sad and disgusted.

Now all news anchors are giving us sentimental, sanctimonious speeches. Yes, we've all heard that before. Is anything going to change? No. Is Indian politics suddenly going to start being about ideology rather than about money and power. No.

What will happen? There will be outbursts, yes. But only on television. In some drawing rooms over a hot cup of tea or coffee. There will be editorials pooh-pooing all the various players involved. Magazine covers providing an in-depth analysis. Blog posts condemning the media, condeming the politicians, condemning the people. We might even get a few humorous and sarcastic posts out of it. Everyone will agree that politicians are scum and the everyone is corrupt.

After a few days, when the infinite loop of these images have earnt their last rupee on India TV, we will go back to talking about reality shows and bollywood wars. We will justify to ourselves that no one can change anything, that India will remain the same and it's the country is fucked up beyond repair. We will watch our movies for escaping from real life, for doing in the reel world what we cannot do in the real. We will read our books full of magic realism. We will go back to teaching our children that our culture in morally superior to other cultures, and on 15th August we will send each other SMS's which proclaim that our country is the best in the world. Our misplaced jingoistic patriotic pride at work again.

In the end, our politicians will go back to what they are the best at doing, making our country a bonafide de-MOCK-cracy.

Jai Hind.