Sunday, November 22, 2009

Manmohan Singh to visit the US to have awkward conversations of epic proportions

Now that President Obama is all grown up and is allowed to have friends over for the whole night,  he couldn't have invited a guest more polite than Manmohan Singh. Mr Singh probably never leaves wet towels lying around, makes his own bed and would rather starve than raid the host's fridge at midnight. Also, I think he would bring a better gift than the usual ferrero rocher chocolates that the other guests bring.

Anyways, as luck would have it, the Indian PM is Obama's first "official state guest". Ha ha, suck on that, Japan. Obama may bow down to your make-believe emperor, but he's only got eyes for the land of karma. This has impressed all our bureaucrats at South Block and our journalists, because both these groups of people have hearts of little teenage girls and all they want is for someone to make them feel special and whisper sweet nothings into their ear. Over the next few weeks, we will see countless panel discussions and read a zillion articles on how the US has finally de-hyphenated the South Asia desk and now simply hyphenates both Afghanistan & Pakistan together, affectionately referring to both those countries as Clusterfuckistan. This must mean that we finally get to play in the same room as the five veto-powered 'superpowers' whenever one of our schoolchildren visit the UN. We now probably have the same power over the other countries of the world that the BCCI has over the ICC. Pretty soon we will have our own little domestic United Nations, based on the IPL, which we can let Shashi Tharoor head so that he finally gets his childhood wish fulfilled.

However, sadly, this might never come true. That's because due to some unforeseen circumstances like reality, the US and India don't really have a lot of common goals anymore. Both countries view the world with a different prism. The US wants the rest of the world to call it Zen Master Popeye and India just wants everyone to get along and watch musical movies which make no sense unless you suspend logical thinking completely.

There are other tight 'knots' in this friendship band too. The US continues to fight the war on terror on two wrong fronts, while ignoring the real root of the problem in Pakistan. The US also want India & Pakistan to resolve the Kashmir issue which New Delhi doesn't see happening anytime soon, because in reality there is no one in the Pakistani establishment who sees a benefit in making peace with India and no one in the Indian government has hypnotic powers.

Both India and the US are on different sides on the issue of reducing carbon emissions. There doesn't seem to be an urgency in India to 'save the environment' because (a) There are very few out and open Lesbian-hippies in India and (b) the Indian news channels haven't yet shown a "news" report about the environment accompanied by scary, armageddonesque music. So we focus on other pressing issues of the day, like reality shows. 

The only thing India and the US really sorta agree on is the Indo-US nuclear deal, which, it seems, hasn't really been completed yet. Although we've signed agreements for civilian nuclear power with other members of the NSG like France, Russia and Canada. Canada! The Indo-US nuclear deal is like the worst will-they, won't they sitcom storyline ever.

So when President Obama and Prime Minister Singh sit down mano-a-mano to talk business, the conversation will be quite similar to the conversation that parents of an inter-religious couple have when they meet for the first time. They will skip anything which may reek of controversy and try to convince each other that all they want is for their children to be happy.

However, that's not going to deter both parties from praising each other's 'leadership' and how they see a 'new beginning' in this 'important' relationship between the world's largest and biggest democracies, and how together they can work towards solving problems like climate change, terrorism and preventing Twilight and Harry Potter fans from mating.

Of course this will impress a lot of people. But unlike real teenage girls, our metaphorical ones forget to learn life's most important lesson: If Colin Farrell replies to your blood-stained letter in which you confess your true and eternal love for him with a generic "Dear Fan" boilerplate, then, he's just not that into you.

That, and how you always get a zit whenever you have an important date.


Damn, looks like I really need to stop watching Drew Barrymore movies. It's kind of affecting my mixed metaphors!


thejoker said...

You never aim for anything else than the bullseye with these articles do you? Can you perhaps throw a shoe at Raj Thackeray for me? :D

Rakesh said...

really really rotfl after a long time OO !!!

I guess MMS brings out the best in you ;D

And yeah, I second Joker ! Are you biased? You reserve the craziest of your metaphors for the big brother...

Awesome OO, 'Bittu' this is the 'real' stuff...:D

Over Rated said...

@The Joker: Hehe, thanks! Raj Thackrey is a shiny object the Indian media picks up and plays with every now and then. Too banal for my blog! . . . :P . . .

@Rakesh: Hehe, thanks! I'm glad you're back on my side!! I really enjoyed writing this too . . . I guess for a political junkie like me the intersection of Indian and American politics is like the holy grail! :D . . .

Das Globalist said...

brilliant posting! in life, money talks. and in politics, our most valuable currency has become energy. we should definitely expect that a complimentary nuclear deal will predominate conversation between India and the US.

i can think of numerous other ill-matched pairs who, despite their contradictions, had much to commune about. oddly, though, i cannot seem to actually identify a single example. any ideas, folks?

britney with kevin federline? hmmmm. not so much. britney pretty much held her own and federline became mrs. spears. the benefits sought were not mutual.

a good example will come to me once i close this browser; i just know it!

Rakesh said...

i dunno but somehow 'intersection' didn't sound your style... Reading you for so long, it sounded more like 'intercourse' :P

Anonymous said...

whats the colin Farell reference ? sounds like it could be a good movie ?

Over Rated said...

@Das Globalist: Well, it's not as ill-matched as Brit-Brit and K-Fed. Maybe Indo-US relations are like Harrison Ford & Calista Flcckhart? Or AbhiAsh?

@Rakesh: Hehe . . . :P . . . Yes, that would be more apt!

@Anon: Heh, actually the Colin Farrel reference is not from a movie. Although, He's not that into you is a Drew Barrymore movie.

Jhayu said...

Oooooooh... Haven't seen punch like this in your posts for a bit.. A comeback is happening, yes?

...preventing Twilight and Harry Potter fans from mating.


And oh, good lord, shudder at the thought.

Over Rated said...

@Jhayu: Well, I guess the quality of the posts are directly related to how pissed/drunk or pissed drunk I am. Well, since I laugh at almost anything, sometimes I have no idea if something works or not. So I just put everything out there.

I know!! The thought of those two fans mating makes me want to build a bunker.