Sunday, January 18, 2009

The real George Bush farewell speech

So, tomorrow, by this time, America will have a new President, our generation will have it's JFK (or Clinton?) and Iran will have a new picture to burn and direct it's anger at.

Finally, as the world breathes a sigh of relief, the Bush years come to an end.

So, as a special favor for our unflinching support, President Bush had his speechwriter, Forth grader Debra McBride from Crawford Texas send us the first draft of his farewell speech for us. As he loves to say, it seems that our childrens are really learning.

Fellow citizens: For eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your part time Decider and part time comedian president. The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence — specially for Iraq and Afghanistan. a time set apart. Tonight, with a thankful heart, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the journey that we have traveled together, and the future of our nation Which I tried my best to ruin.

Ten, Nine, Oh it's not a countdown?Five days from now, the world will witness the vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding mothers? cowboys? the village people??? let's keep it as a TBD, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by you, the American people and not the wall street banks, Big oil companies, big tobacco and the Florida Supreme court. Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose history reflects the enduring promise of our land. This is a moment of hope and pride for our whole nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to President-elect Obama, his wife Michelle, and their two beautiful girls.

Tonight I am filled with gratitude — to Vice President Cheney Specially for not shooting me in the face and members of my administration most of whom are either dead or writing a book exposing my administration; to Laura, who brought joy to this house and love to my life and who never used big words while talking to me; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna for not getting knocked up; to my parents, whose examples have provided strength for a lifetime. And above all, I thank the American people for the trust you have given me. I thank you for the prayers that have lifted my spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of courage, generosity and grace that I have witnessed these past eight years mostly in the innocent people my administration has tortured.

As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. But I never did. Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nationexcept on Sundays when I received briefings from Jesus himself. Or some crazy pastor who hates the gays.. I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe even if I needed to invade every country with oil reserves.

Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security has been created so that "random" brown people can be felt up at airports all over the country. The military, the intelligence community I use the word intelligence loosely and the FBI have been transformed into drive in McDonalds. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor the terrorists' movements Al Jazeera, freeze their finances by making sure money doesn't have value anymore and we are back to using the barter system and break up their plots. And with strong allies at our side No one says kickass more than Algeria and Uganda, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them except those who support them in Pakistan. Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al-Qaida and stoned women in the streets to a nation where the Taliban throw acid on the faces of woman who try to go to school or to work and where Al-Qeada has grown stronger young democracy that is fighting terror and encouraging girls to go to school. Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an subsidiary of Haliburton Arab democracy at the heart of the Middle East and a friend of the United States a Friend who we would never invite over for Dinner. But a friend nonetheless.

There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions. But there can be little debate about the results Everyone except Sarah Palin agree that I fucked up majorlythese were. America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. This is a tribute to those who toil night and day to keep us safe — law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States Armed Forces except the Gay ones. The gay ones make us weak. Or at least that's what my pastor tells me.

The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems rich and poor. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideologyI'm looking at you , Rev Warren. The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God, and that liberty and justice light the path to peace also torturing innocent people. What? I'm just saying.

This is the belief that gave birth to our nation that and a need for a local Starbucks. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens Although we might have jumped the shark. When people live in freedom, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror Unless they are forced by the US Supreme court. When people have hope in the future, they will not cede their lives to violence and extremism. So around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights and human dignity Once it woks in the rest of the world, we will try it in America. We're standing with dissidents and young democracies, providing AIDS medicine to dying patients which usually cost an arm and a liver — to bring dying patients back to life just like we bring back Dick Cheney everytime he has a heart attack, and sparing mothers and babies from malaria Was I the only one who saw Slumdog Millionare?. And this great republic born alone in liberty is leading the world toward a new age when freedom belongs to all nations except if they have oil. Then they belong to us. Tee hee.

For eight years, we've also strive to expand opportunity and hope here at home Specially if they are bankers. Across our country, students are rising to meet higher standards in public schools they can now write their own name. I can't even do that!. The addicted and suffering are finding new hope through faith-based programs Just like I did. Although I find it easier to talk to God when I am high. Vulnerable human life is better protected specially since I took away Dick Cheney's gun. Funding for our veterans has nearly doubled. America's air and water and lands are measurably cleaner if by cleaner you mean full of dead bodies of people who dared to cross the mob. And the federal bench includes wise new members like my former nanny Justice Sam Alito and my former gardener Chief Justice John Roberts.

It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your president. There have been good days and tough days but most of them were bad days. But every day I have been inspired by the greatness of our country, and uplifted by the goodness of our people . I have been blessed to represent this nation we love The great state of Texas. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other — Chief Cheerleader - a title I earned in my college days citizen of the United States of America .

And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time: Good night Please stop celebrating for at least a minute. May God bless this house and our next president Do you know he's black?. And may God bless you and our wonderful country. Thank you Colnel Sanders.


Anonymous said...

I salute you! This is hilarious!

Abhishek said...

ummm.. tad long!

Madiha W Q said...

This was funny:)

I was fortunate enough to be at the inauguration and witness the boos he received when he emerged on the stage...I keep wondering what was going through his mind at that moment, and if he heard the boos as loud and clear as we all did wayy back in the grounds. But then again, it's Bush. He probably thought it was all a great big joke , or that the boos really were (as John Stewart says) just the crowd's way of shouting Buuuuuush!

JoHn @ blogger's paradise ... said...


Tazeen said...

I think I am gonna miss Jon Stewart ripping him apart almost everyday.

Over Rated said...

@labiamajora: thank you!!

@Abhishek: Actually, this is a shorter version of the original ... :P ..

@Madhia W Q: If he rationalized the boos, he would have also rationalized the scathing attack Obama made on his administration in the inauguration speech. By the way, where were you standing during the inauguration?

@John: Well, Bush is gone but his jokes are still with us ...

@Tazeen: I know what you mean. Both Stewart and Colbert have been less funny ever since Obama has been inaugurated.