I realised that I never completed the essay on republic Day my teacher in third grade told me too write. So since I don't like to leave things incomplete, and I am up at this infernal hour, I thought why not do that essay in the form of a live blog. Because why the fuck not? Blogging is just like writing an essay in third grade, except with more cuss words.
Therefore (yeah, we're even using fancy words now! Mrs. Keeler would be so proud!) grab a bottle of your favourite alcoholic drink and join us while we commemorate India's 61st Republic Day. If you are one of the five people who read this blog, or are someone new, you can always use the comment section to comment!
08:55 AM They're showing various ancient people they call 'Governors' reading out something I presume to be a speech. If they had any guts, they would show an ND Tiwari/Viagra advert instead.
09:00 AM The news channels are going all out!! Everyone is dressed in ethnic chic!!
09:05 AM Headlines Today continues to do it's patriotic duty by continuing to SCARE PEOPLE! DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME!! BOOOOOOO!!
09:10 AM Okay, news channels. We get it. There is heightened security. Can we move on, please?
09:15 AM My alarm just went off. I NEVER wake up before my alarm. This almost never happens. It must mean that the universe WANTED me to write this live blog.
09:20 AM They're showing patriotic songs now, sung by that famous old singing lady, while shots of determined people interwoven with other things. A thousand throats must be choking right now, with poignant sadness.
09:22 AM New song has mixed theme: Mobile Phones, children in school, solitary Olympic Gold medal. I had forgotten that DD videos are a work of 'art'.
09:25 AM The DD anchor lady is either on crack or just found out that her mother-in-law is moving out.
09:30 AM India Gate is looking beautiful! No, seriously. But Rajpath is fogged like a son-of-a-bitch!
09:32 AM They are doing a history lesson! In all languages!
09:36 AM No one can see anything. Specially the defence minister! Which is a good thing!
09: 39 AM The voice-over lady has said the words "Indira Gandhi" 31525463991740374891 times already.
09:44 AM Anchor lady is reading out President Kalam's poems. Kalam is many things, however, sadly, not a poet.
09:50 AM I hope President Pratibha Patil either fly's down on her own or has someone fly her over Rajpath while she skydives towards the podium, while everyone looks on, applauding her for her gumption.
09:55 AM This year's chief guest is South Korean President Lee Myung-bak. South Korea is the non-crazy Korea.
09:58 AM Dammit! President Patil did not do any dare-devilry today. That would have been awesome, and let's face it, done wonders for the ratings. Also, the video would have gone viral on You Tube. Sigh. So many missed opportunities.
09: 59 AM Also, why no theme song? Our President deserves a theme song! Even Vince McMahon has one!
10:00 AM Pranab Mukhrejee looks like he just teleported from Antarctica!
10:05 AM Wow! The brave Major's wife is also a Major! Our soldiers really do make us proud!
10:10 AM Someone please get the DD anchors some coffee. I think they have a DD anchor pool in their office where they hold a contest to see how many people they can bore to sleep.
10:15 AM I'm not going to lie, but the Koreans are already bored. Quick, someone give them an idea so that the can get busy inventing something!
10:20 AM Wow! Portable pulls! They are going all out, for this parade!
10:18 AM I can never understand why the tank guns are AIMED towards the person they are supposed to be saluting? To scare them to keep saluting or something?
10:20 AM The tank carrying the medical supplies looks SO CUTE!!
10:25 AM The Lok Sabha speaker Meira Kumar has a permanent smile plastered on her face. She's the Arjun Rampal of Lok Sabha speakers.
10:27 AM Did you know that the Republic Day marks the anniversary of the adoption of the Constitution of India and the transition of India from a British Dominion to a republic on January 26, 1950?
10:30 AM The IAF tableau could have used a better font.
10:32 AM The display of all those missiles has a somewhat "Looking at you, neighbours!" spirit to it. Hey, it's Republic Day. We need to tell everyone that we can open a can of serious nuclear whoop-ass on them.
10:38 AM Obama wishes the Indian constitution a happy 60th birthday! http://bit.ly/6eAzEO
10:42 AM Right now, someone is explaining to the Thackreys what "constitution" means. *Spoiler alert*: It has nothing to do with the strange feeling in your digestive system!
10:50 AM The Rajasthan contingent has the tallest Sardarji's I've ever seen!
10:52 AM Millions of teevee viewers were disappointed that the Rajasthan tableau did not include that famous teevee child bride.
10:54 AM The Maharastha tableau depicts taxi drivers being beaten by MNS activists! Oddly, accompanied by a hindi song!! THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO DOWN WELL WITH YOU-KNOW-WHO!!
10:56 AM Seriously DD cameraperson, there are other people besides the UPA CHAIRPERSON attending the parade!
10:58 AM The Goa tableau has a bikini-clad drunk white lady along with Indian high school students who are snorting something.
11:02 AM The Kerela float had a couple of replica buildings from Dubai and a person looking like Shashi Tharoor, typing intensely into his blackberry.
11:04 AM The Uttrakahand float depicts children who are lost in the Kumbh mela, who will grow up to be future hindi film characters and ND Tiwari's casting couch.
11:06 AM The cultural ministry tableau contains Ustad Amjad Ali Khan's broken sarod!
11:09 AM The South Korean delegation is amused by the Indian Railways ancient steam engine float!
11:10 AM So the Global Warming float consists of an actual healthy earth? So Jairam Ramesh wins?
11:15 AM The Travel Ministry float depicts touts fleecing millions of innocent tourists.
11:16 AM The sports ministry float contains half-built stadiums for the 2010 CW games and starving sports people.
11:20 AM All these kids have been rehearsing their performances for months!
11:21 AM The Delhi kids who are performing are accompanied by a tiny India Gate replica and a list of government officials you can bribe to get your work done ASAP!
11:25 AM Students doing aerobics for world peace! As Gandhi once said, nothing brings world peace like a Richard Simmons leg crunch!
11:32 AM You know what they call eight people riding a bike in China? A family's day out!
11:35 AM IF THE BORDER SECURITY FORCE IS DOING LAME MOTORCYCLE STUNTS, WHO IS LOOKING AFTER THE BORDER?
11:38 AM I'm sorry, whenever I see planes flying, I am reminded of this. Teehee!
11:40 AM The parade is now getting over? Well, I haven't even used up all my recycled jokes yet!
So here are floats we were not able to see:
- The UP tableau, which contained three statues of Mayawati Aunty along with a family which is without any food, electricity or water, but is still depicted voting for her!
- The Gujarat float, which only had an almost life-like replica of Narendra Modi's head.
11:45 AM The parade ends with famous old lady singer singing another national song which some people don't like singing, because of the difficult lyrics?
11:48 AM OMG! The DD anchor on crack is BACK!
So then we came to an end!
I haven't sat through such a long teevee broadcast in ages! Specially on DD, which I had even forgotten existed! It still is the same, sad network it was, back in the day. Except that the anchors are on drugs! Maybe they always were on drugs!
Anyways, all the cynicism aside, no matter how sucky it gets, no matter who they elect to be Prime Minister (Personally, I wouldn't mind Snooki from Jersey Shore, but whatever!), I will always love my country because there is no other place in the world where I can have Dal Makhani with Veg. Fried Rice!
Happy Republic Day, everyone.
Also, use a condom, perhaps?