Saturday, January 2, 2010

The future is finally here: Scientifically accurate predictions for the next awful ten years of your life

Even though the jury is still out on whether this is technically the start of the new decade or not, we are simply going to ignore all that and just like the mainstream media do whatever the hell we want to. Since everyone and their mother have summed up the last decade in hundreds of nauseating ways, we thought that we would channel the dead spirit of nostradamus (and the people who were pretty darn sure that Iraq had WMD's) and just like them, based on absolutely nothing, come with predictions which might or might not be true. Who really knows or cares because isn't everything printed on the internets the gospel truth?

The decade will start by forcing everyone who wants to travel in an airplane to basically travel nude because some dipshit who got tired of scamming people by pretending to be the son of a deposed prince and then wanted to blow up his crotch to prove a point which no one really knows (or as Joe Liberman put it, 'preemptive War on any Muslim sounding country'). Since no luggage will be provided, airlines will try to recoup their losses by charging people with large body parts more money under 'extra baggage'. Emo kids and reality teevee stars will also be asked to pay double, due to their large amount of emotional baggage.

If no celebrities will die then Larry king will get Nancy Regan to séance with Michael Jackson's ghost in which he will finally confess to being a white catholic Republican lady in disguise. This will ensure that Jebus forgives all his 'alleged' child-porn sins.

The oracle of hope, President Obama, will win the 2012 election by default because Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin will end up inadvertently shooting each other in their Last Hunter Standing match at Wrestlemania, which would be held to decide the nomination for the Republican candidate.

The green movement in Iran will finally win their fight for electoral reform. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will escape to America where he will be hired as a contributor to Fox News wherein his only task would be to appear on the screen for five minutes during the Glenn Beck show and make scary faces while continuously shouting "Death to Diet Bagels".

Sometime during the decade, Arnab Goswami will get tired of shouting at the camera and decide to take matters into his own hand and will invade Pakistan along with Farook Dhondy and Suhel Seth.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari will gay-marry Hussain Sharrif so that their love-child, Benazir Bilawal Asif Nawaz Hussain Zardari Bhutto Sharif, will become the youngest President of Pakistan.

Manmohan Singh will cite 'health grounds' and Jayanti Natrajan's body odour in his resignation letter to future astronaut and current President, Prathibha Patil, which will pave the way for Rahul Gandhi to become Prime Minister of both the India's, the 'real one' (which only exists in Madhur Bhandarkar movies) and the 'fake one' (which only exists in Karan Johar movies).

96 year old ND Tiwari will become the Governor of India's 137th state, which will solely consist of all the children he has 'allegedly' illegally sired over these years. He will continue to have orgies in the Governor's mansion.

However, all the screwing will stop when Narendra Modi and his merry band of non-voting NRI's, who will make it compulsory for everyone to vote for them, take over and no one will ever have sex in India ever again.

Have a great decade, people! If this doesn't make you look forward to it, I don't know what will.


woot said...

Hey first on your blog and its gooood. Btw why do you not like Five Point Someone, just curious.

Rakesh said...

The media is quite consistent in the sense that last century ended on 31 Dec 99 and so the Decade shld end on 31 Dec 09!

And now NaMo is in the band of expats? I thought we were supposed to strike back :(

But pls, we NRIs love sex :P

Anonymous said...

OMFG!! What have u done?? Nostradamus is gonna be so proud of you, might christen you as Nostradamus jr or something...
Btw it would have been better if you could have written this in parts.. Few questions:
#what will happen to Woods, Elin n Barbies?
#will Effron, Jonas, Oprah come out of the closet?
#Is/are Brangelina or Madonna still looking forward to adopt you?
#will Indians be forbidden to drive cabs abroad or will racisim still be there prerogative?
#Sarah Palin's literary skills aka sequel to the book n Nobel Prize??
#will Air India be deemed the world's best airline?
#will 3Idiots win Oscar?
#will Bhagat n De win Booker?
#will Pope??... nevermind
#After Telangana will we have Kachasthan for Sikhs, Yesudham for Christians, Uma Pradesh for the Hindus and America for Muslims?

Come on don't leave it in the middle.. give us answers or should one go to one of those tarot card/numerology experts???

longblackveil said...

Well done, I say, well done! Loved it. you are a how to say mins funny guy. :)

ess said...

Damn, you just keep getting better with time. Almost fell off the chair laughing at the bit about "two Indias"

Happy New Year dude!

Over Rated said...

@woot: Welcome to the blog and thanks! As for FPS, I thought it was not well written, among other things. But then I have a very weird choice and I might be missing something.

@Rakesh: Hehe! You can lead your own brand of cooler, rival expats. And yeah, going by the number of knocked up abandoned brides in Punjab, I'm guessing NRIs are really into "conjugal" visits!!:P . . .

@Anon: No, no, you don't need to go to a tarot card reader! I can answer all your questions, albeit for a large fee. :D . . . Other things that might happen: Shobha De, Chetan Bhagat and Sarah Palin's ghostwriter will combine their literally prowess and come up with a 1568324 page book titled "Going Rogue with Smita Smitten, showbiz kitten and other idiotic stories" . . . Tiger Woods will combine forces with Jude Law and repopulate the earth after millions of teenage girls kill themselves because Zac Effron and the Jonas brothers will move in together in a polygamous mormon-ic relationship. Air India will change it's slogan from "Fly with the Maharaja" to "In your face, Afghan airlines"!!

@longblackveil: Welcome to the blog and thank you!

@ess: You're back! Thanks and Happy new year to you too, dude!