Open letters

To,

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

When you actually have to say something multiple times, it implies that it isn't true. By repeating to every person you meet that "you're not weak", it ends up having the completely opposite effect. It further adds to their belief that you are weak. To keep on repeating something which is not a fact isn't going to make it come true. (Ref. Bush administration Iraq-WMD evidence)

If you want to prove to the world that you aren't the most weak person ever in a list which includes VP Singh and IK Gujral, then I would suggest that you either fire one or your ministers or release "secret" footage of you crushing a Heineken beer can with your bare hands.

To,

Prakash Karat,

If you are hell bent on renegotiating every treaty we ever signed, can you first please renegotiate your head out of your ass? Thanks.

To,

LK Advani,

You're not Barack Obama. Just because you put online adds, and thanks to google's user-surly targeted adds system, they appear on every goddamn site we visit,  we're not going to think that you're Barack Obama. You're more than eighty years old. Everything from the talkies to colour television was invented AFTER you were born. So, just because you start a blog doesn't mean we're going to be able to connect with you.

Although, please consider a request. For the love of everything good in the world, please, never open a twitter account. Thanks.

To,

Conspiracy theorists,

If you want to prove that Rahul Gandhi is "Raoul" and Priyanka is "Bianca" then please produce some actual evidence. Not everything that is printed on the internet is true. You do know that you can use google to search for things other than porn & detailed instructions on building a nuclear weapon in your secret science lab in the basement, don't you?

To,

MK Karunanidhi,

A bandh never makes sense. It makes even less sense when YOU are in the frikin government. Only in India do politicians hold demonstrations against themselves. Oh, and by the by, what happened? Did you suddenly run out of telegrams? You could have sent one to yourself instead of pretending to close a whole city.

To,

J Jayalalitha,

When you say that you have the country's best interest in your mind, how do you keep a straight face and not be all "LMAO, y'all".

Also, do you think we really believe you when you say that?

You do?

LMAO.

To,

Susan Boyle,

Oh Susan! What have you done to yourself? We want you to look frumpy. We want your bad eyebrows back. We want you to look like something a drunk Scottish cat dragged in. That is because then we can feel wonderful about the fact that, for once, we appreciated someone for their "inner beauty". Whatever that is.

p.s. Your semi-makeover makes you look like Hyacinth Bucket.