The G20 lowdown

Sadly, the last international cocktail party before money becomes obsolete and we are back to using the barter system, called the G20 has now come to an end. While all the spouses chatted about the latest episode of Gossip Girl, the heads of state got down to business. In the end, everyone was happy and they decided to do the whole thing again.

Meanwhile, continuing our quest to tell you things no one else does  we bring to you the winners, whiners and losers of the summit. 

As the white house spokesperson would have you believe, America is a winner. Because it got to show off it's shiny new President to the world. (Look, he speaks English. Not just Texas English, but English English. People were actually cheering him. When was the last time that happened?) Although America was eager to start telling everyone what they need to do, not everyone was ready to listen. Still, it got some of it's "edge" back.

The Obamas are the biggest winners of the summit. It was supposed to be the first coming out party for America's sweethearts. And everyone and their tart of an aunt were enamoured by them. Michelle got more buzz than a contestant on the British version of Big Brother. And in Britain, it doesn't get big than big brother.  Everyone wanted to be her BFF. Even the queen. And as expected, Barack got to play messiah. For real, this time. Although as far as gift giving is concerned, I think someone needs lessons from Oprah.

The Queen finally won something other than contempt and disgust from her subjects.It would have been considered a successful visit if Prince Philip didn't say something obscene and racist. As luck would have it, not only did he STFU, the queen showed some human emotion. Someone finally touched her and (a) She didn't burst into flames (b) It didn't secretly launch Nuclear weapons on all of Britain's enemies. Even Prince Charles was a happy camper because whenever he stood next to Barack Obama, his ears did not feel out of place.

Gordon Brown scored some runs too. Not only did some of the Obama magic rub of on him, Mr Brown was able to justify the $75 million he spent for organising the summit. When they came up with the final agreement, it didn't look like a complete waste of time like the UN always does. Although, there was this awkward moment when the Saudi king tried to buy his wife. Other than that, it was a good summit for Brownie.

Nicolas Sarkozy & Angela Merkel won a hypothetical tag team match against well, hypothetical opponents. To think, just a little more than six decades ago these two countries wanted to kill each other. And now, they joined together and took on the might of the "Anglo-Saxon's". (Their words, not mine). Finally, the French stood up for something other than cheese and wine. Also, until now, people just thought of him as a horny cradle rocker (not that there is anything wrong with that). Now, Sarkozy has put his name on the map for something other than doing Carla Bruni. The press conference Sarkozy & Merkel held before the summit was for the benefit of their collective domestic audiences and for driving their respective translators crazy. I mean have you tried translating German to French? It's like going from "Yippe-ki-yay, MotherF*cker" to "Hakuna Mattata". Angela Merkel simply won because no one tried to give her a backrub.

China was so eager to win, it had a child labourer make it a trophy. The West was trying to seduce China because it's the only country in the world whose got money right now. In fact, no one really wanted to piss China off so when they talked about tax havens, they tiptoed around Macau and Hong Kong. In fact, China is a lot like a new, shiny iPhone.  It might look nice from the outside and have lots of third-party applications, but what it really wants to do is take over the world. Hey, don't take my word for it.

Unlike the Georgian invasion, Russia didn't do that well. All it's new President had to do is look a little less evil ,despotic and psychotic than the others. Sadly, that was not to be.

Manmohan Singh's trip, as usual, was in the middle. He had a sort of blink-and-you-miss appearance. None of the Indian news channels were even covering his visit. except of course DD "news". Although, Mr Singh got what he came for. And he also got an Obama verbal fistbump. As for our first lady, Mrs Gursharan Kaur, she was overheard sharing with the French First Lady Carla Bruni her secret butter chicken recipe.

Europe seemed to come out of the dark shadows too. The Grand Old Continent, once home to the most greedy and laziest people in the world, had dropped off from everybody's radar. Everyone had sort off forgotten about Europe ever since India and China started making money. The only people who cared were those, young, pesky travellers who want to see the whole of Europe with $30 in their pocket and a huge-ass backpack on their backs which they carry around even when they go to drink a cup of coffee. Now, the G20 has put Europe back on the map. In fact, even Barack Obama has promised that America will start making out with all the European countries again. Except of course, the British. Because frankly, they need to start brushing their teeth first.

Finally, another unexpected winner was the crowd of protestors. Thanks to the G20 they had a very productive few days. Otherwise they would have been stuck home watching new episodes of Eastenders and drinking home-brewed beer Or even worse, they would have been sitting in front of their computer and writing a blog. Who knows what kind of crap they would have come up with!