[pic via Reuters]
So the world came to a stop on Friday to collectively sit back and watch Tiger Woods robotic apology. Now, Tiger seemed to be a little dispassionate about his 'apology'. So, we, at Overrated Outcast decided to investigate the matter and find out what really went on. Turns out, this was not the speech Tiger originally wanted to give. The speech he was supposed to give was vetoed at the last minute by his PR team. So, we 'convinced' one of Tiger's blonde hussies to give us a copy of the original speech, due to the right to information act (which does not apply to US jurisdiction, but our blonde operative,
Jessica Simpson, did not know that). So here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Woods's original speech (needless to say, this is so not safe for work. Or children. Or women):
Hey Everyone, thanks for gathering here, to hear me speak. Some of you here are my friends, some of you are my colleagues and as for the rest of you, I have no fucking idea what you are doing here.
The only reason I called this non press conference is because I'm fucking tired of all your fucking insinuation about my private life. So I'm just going to spell it out for you.
Yes, I did sleep with a lot of women. Yes, most of them were blondes. Yes, I like having sex.
Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a fucking river.
Back when I was in high school, and I was a kid and didn't have any friends because no one wanted to be friends with that weird kid who plays and talks about golf all day. Not even that weird fat girl who made Ugly Betty look like a goddess. No one gave a shit when I didn't have a date to my own Senior Prom and I sat at home and watched reruns of The Cosby Show.
Now that I'm rich and good looking and get more tail that all the Kennedy brothers combined (yes, I get more tail than JFK, the guy whose middle name was "Fucking"), everyone's bothered and up in my bizness.
You know what, fuck you.
I don't have a sex 'addiction'. I have what every other guy on this planet (& Ann Coulter) has.
I get horny. So I do what any other person in my position would have done, I go out and have sex.
What's so wrong with that?
The only person who should have a problem with that is my wife.
Anyone else is just being too fucking nosy for their own fucking good.
I don't care if you judge me. You have nothing better to do anyway.
I'm a slut. A man-whore. A casanova. A womanizer. Hell, I'm the black male version of Paris fucking Hilton. In fact, there is even a Rihanna song about me!
Don't expect a fucking apology tour from me, cause I ain't no fucking politician, and I don't need your fucking approval rating.
However, I do think I need to apologize to some people.
I apologize to all those single and not so single women that I have yet to sleep with. I promise you that I will get to you one of these days.
I apologize to all those people who had to bear all these pre-medieval fucks bark about things which are essentially none of their fucking business.
In fact, I'm sorry I'm just too fucking awesome for most people to recognize.
I'm not sorry for what I did. In fact, after this bloody thing is over, Imma gonna do it again,
As for parents who think I'm a bad role model for children? Well, I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm a great fucking role model. It's important to teach your kids that the only way you can get so much tail is if you either have money or are good looking. Hell, scratch good looking. If you only have money. So, kids, if you're listening. No matter how ugly your are, no matter how many people pick on you, no matter what your parents say, when you grow up, just work towards one thing: Making money. Everything else is crap. If you have money, you can fucking do anything. And no one is gonna stop ya.
As for those sponsors who ditched me midway, Fuck You. I made more money for you than anyone else. You know, Accenture, no one even cared for your small-ass consultancy before I let you put my picture up next to your logo. And as for Pepsico, I made drinking Gatorade look cool. Even some hot-shot basketball player couldn't pull that off. Well good riddance to bad rubbish. I always preferred Coke anyway.
As for all those bad-ass players, my so called 'peers' who think they're better than me, well I got news for ya buddy. I'm the best fucking golfer this world has even seen or will ever see. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't have to play even a single day of golf if I don't want to. I have more fucking money than I know what to do with. I'll be spending my Sunday afternoons with Candy and the rest of her hot stripper friends while you are going to be 50, and playing in some lame-ass "Masters" tournament, in the middle of fucking nowhere like Peru or Narnia.
So, a here's a big, sweet merry Fuck You to you too.
As for the media, I didn't join the cast of Jersey Shore and get into their STD-infested sauna for the world to talk about my 'sex-life'. And I didn't go around like the Ghost of Larry King and marry 7 dwarf-wives. By the by, CNN, this is why no one's watching you. Cause you're talking about a fucking glfer and his fucking whores!
Lastly, Brit Hume, you slimy, old mother fucking asshole, Fuck you.
Now, everybody, let's stop worrying about my penis and get back to more important things.
Like, have you given any money for Haiti lately?