Friday, February 26, 2010

Dating advice from hell by Love Guru Chetan Bhagat

India's largest selling author, who has an even larger head, Chetan "Imma block yo ass" Bhagat, is not just a writer (and we use that word very loosely here. Very. Loosely.), he is also also responsible for bringing together millions and millions of lonely people by helping them find a way to love each other.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Love Guru extraordinaire, Chetan Bhagat:

We start with the basics:


Yes, ladies. It's as simple as that (aka the less popular ASAT). Whenever you feel lonely, whenever you feel that you are ready to finally fill the void in your life (which cannot be filled by either food or ice-cream) just smile. And then thousands and thousands of men will literally present themselves and will be yours for the taking. Even though there is a multi-billion dollar industry whose whole purpose is to get women laid (Cosmo, Maybeline, Daniel Steele), just ignore all that and smile. You're welcome!


Yes, because men are somehow like penguins, maybe? Also, in case you really, really like her shout the words "Ouuugaaaaaa, Muaagaaaaaaaaaaa" and jump up and down three times. She is sure to select you, then! Money back, guarantee!


Yup. You want to keep your options open, always. Also, make sure to move fast, because seriously WHAT THE FUCK?


Now for some brass tacks:


You can also send a "fraaandship" request on Orkut, keep superpoking her on facebook and if you really want to win her over,  send her really weird sentimental messages every two hours. If she doesn't reply and ignores you, it doesn't mean she wants you to stop. It just means that you need to try harder!


Burping is for wussies. If you want to show her how much of a man you are, FART right in front of her. If she doesn't slap you, SCORE, bro! After the farting is over, please remember to be nice to her. Like give her a room freshener or something!


Other accepted things you can call her: Lesbian. Because if she doesn't like people who give her constant missed calls, stalk her online and fart in front of her, she probably is not into men at all. Ergo, Lesbian. Also, can you blame her? FYI, in case she already has a significant other, you can also call her 'a whore' while bad-mouthing her to other people. It's your right, as a shunned, creepy, almost-romeo.


If you are one of those people who think that the above steps are too much to remember, then have we got a deal for you! Something, short, sweet and really handy:


Yes, the path to a woman's heart is by irritating her. If you have feelings for her, irritate her. If you really like her, quit your job and follow her around wherever she goes. If she calls the police, she probably likes you back and wants you to follow her even more. Do not stop, continue to follow her around and this time, make obscene gestures. And if you really, really love her, just go ahead and punch her in her face. Nothing says "I love you long time" like a broken frikin' jaw!


Now, you may wonder what exactly makes Chetan qualified enough to give "advice" on love to other people. You might be a little skeptical.  For you, ladies and gentlemen, I present Exhibit A:


Mind = blown.


Phoenixritu said...

OMG! Seriously WTF! Is this for real?

Usha said...

pulling ponytails!!? like what, as if the rest of the world too stopped growing up in their tweens, just like him!

Vallath said...

Explains why arindam has a ponytail. He's hoping someone will yank it as the ultimate expession of love.

Tazeen said...

Bhagat ji is probably still in grade school

neon said...

wow, he even spelled desperate incorrectly, and he's india's best selling author. quite sad.

Ketan said...


I am impressed by the amount of effort you must have put to see a pattern in isolated tweets! And no, I am not drawing any conclusions as to what drove you to put that kind of effort. ;)

Kappa said...


some one please ask chetan to stop writing

instead of french and hindi , he should have learnt english

sidiot said...

ZOMG !! LOOLLLZZZ !! ROFL!!!1 WTF !!11 n0000b !!11111111111111111111111

See how annoying that is ?

You know he's not extremely far off.
1. The hair pulling is for school and school alone.
2. Calling her an insecure bitch is really really pathetic for a guy to do. However, why she would fall for some lame ass pretentious wannabe idiot is a topic for another day, another blog and needs about 10 years.

The rest of the stuff works.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha - wait dude, this is his next book you're reading. And it will sell another million copies cause isn't his writing style just so rah-rah fucking accessible to the common man?

Patrix said...

You follow CB?

Re: last tweet. The French thank their stars.

ki said...

ha ha ha ha ha :D poor fellow :P is THIS how he impressed his WIFE?!

Anonymous said...

Really glad that you came out with something like this coz I'm still not over the first book of his that i read in 2004 and have been getting nightmares since...

I do hope people take this as a statutory warning!!!

P.S: When is Shobha De one coming out??

Lonelyeyes said...

Some highly depressed IITian or IIMian will read this and start pulling ponytails. As if clearing JEE and CAT wasnt enough(and the follow up boasting), we women have to deal with this love guru advice!

Over Rated said...

@Ritu: Yup. These screenshots are from his actual twitter feed! You can't make this shit up!

@Usha: Exactly! Apparently, these were due to "popular demand". Yikes!

@Vallath: Haha, LOL! I'm pretty sure he would turn that experience into a best selling business book!

@Tazeen: Hehe, that does explain his writing!

@Neon: Best selling does not mean "good". And to be fair, spelling typos on twitter should be allowed!

@Ketan: Actually, this was a whole series of tweets, ugh, tweeted together! I didn't have t make much effort. And my only purpose behind doing anything is to be able to mock it!

@Kappa: That would have helped, I guess. Hehe!

@Sidiot: LMAO!!1!! That is my whole vocabulary you got there?! You say that annoying! ZOMG!!!!!!

Also, the rest of the stuff works? Really? Wow.

I'm so glad that I don't know people who would fall for this! Or maybe I'm such a nOOOOOOb!!!

@Daddysan: Hehehe! A million copies? Watch out ladies, here come the pony-tail pullers!

@Patrix: I don't "follow" CB, or Sags for that matter. I somehow saw one tweet of his which led me to see the whole series! And I couldn't help myself, because they just sat there and were like "Mock ME!! MOCK ME, YOU FOOL!!!" :P . . .

@Ki: Wow! I hope not!

@Anon: Hehe! I know what you mean! Never has a book pained me more! Oh, and as for Ms. De, where do I even start?

@Lonelyeyes: Hahaha! I feel bad for all those women who have to bear the "brunt" of this advice!

Paradox Philic said...

This makes me sad... really! This is what we have for an icon? Whatever happened to India being progressive? Is this what we have become?

Dijo said...

*Rushes to stick feathers on my butt and dance.*

lucifer said...

Dude...get a lyf...stop finding faults wid ppl...i`m not a fan of chetan bhagat... U cant give a guy hell jus cos he`s famous...jus cos some bloody ass got blocked doesn mean he`s a hot head...start thinking from the other point o view too...ur observations nd conclusions r awesome...but use it 4 something gud ya....peace..@


chetan bhagat is trashing english litrature...ecstatic to read this..i thought i was the only one who felt that he is just another self absorbed big headed fool....he doesnt kno what he is talkin about. seriously! pulling ponytails!..pervert!

the man should be kept away from anything even remotedley resembling a pen

neha said...

He is my favorite author and very good person too. I liked almost all his book but my favorite book is Half Girlfriend.