After the party was over, they all sat down and came up with the following code of conduct for all the parties to follow for the 2009 general elections:
1. Giving Criminals a ticket - Just because you commit a murder or five or incite a mob to go on a killing spree does not mean you get disqualified from serving your country. Didn't you know that if you are a politician, the doctrine "Everyone is innocent even if proven guilty multiple times" applies to you. Even if you do look like a gangster from a RGV movie. I mean, c'mon, if it doesn't look kosher, it doesn't taste kosher, it's got to be kosher, isn't it?
2. Politics of Division - There is an urban legend in Indian. That if the British hadn't used the policy of Divide and Rule, today's India would be a nation of people who run around hugging and giving each other eggless chocolate cakes. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, however, we are politicians. If we start speaking the truth then we run the risk of getting publically stoned like gay people were during biblical times. So we use every trick in the book to pit one part of the populace against the other. If religion, caste, region, choice of butter are taken, we'll find some new issue to encourage hatred. It's not like the people in this country want to sit with each other, light a bonfire and sing Kumbaya. This shit is almost too easy.
3. Stunt Casting - The people in this country don't really want some drab, boring professorial policy wonk who actually knows what he is doing to represent them. No siree Bob. They want famous people whose trifle million rupee income they can supplement by sending them to the legislature to err..um... "legislate". (By the way, we just googled the meaning of the word. Is that what our founding fathers imagined we would be doing with the paltry time of five years or less? Those people must have been on dope. LOL). So just when we run out of issues to recycle, happens every now and then, we bring in someone famous who has been tainted and/or has no other work and cannot get a job as a reality show judge.
4. Booth Capturing - This is the century of convenience. India is developing, people. If you can sit at home and get everything from toothpaste to a big screen TV, why not elect a government by sitting at home? Why worry yourself silly and decide which party you want to enable so that they can plunder the treasury. Let the professionals decide. Real democracy is letting the person who has the most number of professional goons decide who wins. As Darwin said, survival of the fittest. You would have known who Darwin was if we would have built the school we promised. Well, our bad. Maybe next time, eh?
5. Policy Scmolocy - Look, we'd love to have a policy and follow a strict ideology and all. But the advantage of not having a well defined agenda is that it makes it easier to align with any party when the need arises. We don't want to put labels on each other and get boxed in, you know. Some people may say that we are left-wing or right-wing or we rule from the center, but we really don't have any principles we care about. Except of course, the principle of doing anything to be in power.
6. Taking credit for things other people do - You can't get more Indian than taking credit for the work of others. So what if people and industries are successful in India despite the ancient bureaucratic red tape? So what if businessmen have to work AROUND the government instead of working with it? So what if the government machinery is structured in such a way that hard working people struggle to make ends meet? Those are just myths propagated by the liberal media elite. Elitists who wear kurtas made from khadi and women who wear "lipstick and makeup". Elitists all of them. These people don't vote anyway. So what if we take credit for things we absolutely had nothing to do with? Just be grateful that it escaped our radar and it somehow miraculously happened. Otherwise we would have nipped it in the bud. Or at least profited from it. Beauty Queens? We let the women out of their house. IT revolution? Who do you think they had to bribe to start their operations? Backoffice of the world? Well, if we had invested in things other then our own offspring's future, there might have been other jobs for MBA graduates. Indra Nooyi & Arun Sarin? We drove them out of our country and look how they were able to unleash their capabilities and catapult themselves to a successful career.
It's all because of us, people.
Jai Ho to you too.