Sunday, May 9, 2010

Armageddon is almost here: Pakistanis in America pretending to be Indians!

According to this Reuters report, Pakistanis in America are pretending to be . . .  wait for it . . . . . wait some more . . .  . INDIANS!

"A lot of Pakistanis can't get jobs after 9/11 and now it's even worse," said Asghar Choudhri, an accountant and chairman of Brooklyn's Pakistani American Merchant Association. "They are now pretending they are Indian so they can get a job."

This news has made everyone at TImes Now come in their pants. Jinnah is rolling in his grave, and has started hitting the bottle again. Gandhi is smiling, not because he heard this news, but because he made friends with Che Guevara in freedom fighter heaven and he’s high. Nehru just shrugged and is continuously eating Lady Mountbatten’s head by telling her that he knew this day would come. And Sardar Patel is still mad at Hari Singh because WHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG TO SIGN THE DAMN THING, HARI?

Anyways, this is big news in the subcontinent, because this is even bigger than Arsenal fans trying to pass for fans of Manchester United! (Or vice versa! Or do all the kids love Chelsea these days? Real Madrid? Delhi Daredevils? Facebook United? I DON’T REALLY KNOW THESE THINGS!) or Red Sox fans cheering for the Yankees!

This is so because India and Pakistan were roommates almost six decades ago and had a really bad separation. And everyone is still bitter about it, mostly because Pakistan took India’s Kenny Chesney CD collection. EVEN THOUGH INDIA BOUGHT ALL THE CDs. And now, India is in a polygamous relationship with America and a few European countries and Pakistan is in a monogamous relationship with China, which is unhealthy because China always insists on being on top.

Anyway, this nationality switcheroo seems a bit strange, because most racist Americans (i.e. Republicans/people from Arizona) don’t know an Indian from a Pakistani. For them there are only two types of brown people. One is all those people from Burritoville, who bring up their kids, mow their lawn and sleep with their wives. Everyone else is an Ay’rab [sic], who do their taxes, make funny smelling food and watch those musical movies.

However, on this blog we are nothing but fair (snigger!), so here are some helpful tips for all those people who want to pass as a person of Indian origin living overseas:

9. Find out who Rajan Zed is – If I wanted to tell you, I wouldn’t say “find out”, now would I? This is important not because you need to agree with him, but whenever someone asks you where you are from, you can always answer with “Did you hear what Rajan Zed said now? . . .  Can you believe that guy? Sheesh”. Also, this might even lead to guest blogging opportunities at Sepia Mutiny.

8. Watch and love every hindi movie ever made – Not only is it important to watch those movies, you HAVE to like them. Even the crappy ones. And it is your solemn national duty to defend them in front of people who don’t like them. Even if your argument doesn’t make any sense.

7. Join the Narendra Modi fan club – You need to spend at least two hours everyday trolling the interwebs for blogs/articles/tweets about “NaMo” or any of his other brethren and attack whoever dares to write about them, without even reading what the blog/article/tweet is all about. If you don’t know what to write, just throw in the following in your word salad: “The mainstream media sucks, Congress bias, something something Sonia Gandhi and/or Rahul Gandhi”. Check the comments on www.rediff.com for more inspiration.

6. Always act guilty around your parents A sure sign of Indian upbringing is when you see a perfectly normal, confident person act like a bumbling idiot in front of his or her parents. No matter how successful you get, no matter how much money you have, your parents will always make you feel guilty. You can’t fight thousands of years of civilisation. (Which reminds me, Mom, Dad, if you are reading this, then please remember that I didn’t do anything. I WAS TRICKED INTO WRITING ALL OF THESE THINGS). 

5. Excel at science and/or medicine – Let’s face it. Most kids of NRI’s are ready to do their PhD’s before they celebrate their tenth birthday. As to why, refer to reason no. 6. Hey, don’t take my word for it.

4. Don’t marry your cousin – That is because then you’ll be mistaken for someone from Arkansas. And believe me, you’d rather be from the caves of Tora Bora than from Arkansas.

3. Whenever someone tells you that your English is really good, thank them and inform them that their English is heavily accented.

2. Don’t kill your wife -- No, seriously. Don’t.

And the #1 most important thing to keep in mind while trying to pass as Indian in America:

*cue drum roll*

1. Don’t blow shit up.

Bada Bing, Bada boom . . . G’night everyone!

8 comments:

Chirag K. Shah said...

Ha ha..That Narendra Modi thing is right. Every member of Indian Students Association loves him here(including me). I do write MSM sucks and would like to use your blog as a platform to reiterate my view that MSM sucks and your BLOG ROCKS.

Ketan said...

LOL! You didn't give any credit for this turn around to a monkey, Aasha (i.e., Aman ki Aasha)?

And no, I'll not touch upon *that* point, lest I be blamed to be a Pakistani in America try to pass off as India, without even reading your blog post! Eeew ;)

Serious question, aren't you promoting terrorism by giving away such practical & useful tips? Do you even know there's no true anonymity over the badlands of the internets? What if, next time a Pakistani in America trying to pass off as Indian, planting a bomb, fails to fail?! :O

Please be a bit more irresponsible in choosing your topics! :P

Rakesh said...

he he, I should show this to my Pakistani colleagues, no seriously... just for kicks :D

Btw, they do love every Hindi movie, even the crappy ones which we don't see, and even Bigg Boss (that maybe for Sherlyn Chopra)...

Good stuff OO!

Patrix said...

But the important question isn't answered, how are they passing themselves off as Indians right now? Do they stop people in the street and say, "I'm not Pakistani. I'm an Indian"

Over Rated said...

@Chirag: Haha, every member? I figured it's true! Though, to be fair, I still know a couple of NRI's who are not of the opinion that Mr. Modi is the most awesome-st thing ever! But, having said that, I think it's good that he has got so many people involved in Indian politics! A lot of people get pulled into politics when they are drawn to a particular leader.

@Ketan: Haha, this is hardly useful to anyone! I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog to find "useful" information. The only thing we offer is stale and recycled jokes!

@Rakesh: Haha, that's another thing we can blame them for. I mean they are responsible for all recent and future Mahesh Bhatt movies? WHY WON'T THEY STOP WITH TEH CINEMATIC TERRORISM? :P

@Patrix: I'm guessing it involves changing their facebook status? I guess it would be like this Monty Python Gag: http://bit.ly/uyDX8 . Not that I'm suggesting an equivalency.

Anonymous said...

damn man.. you are soo f*ing funny.. I am a follower now

Anonymous said...

okay I admit your write up was funny! However, that you celebrate the degeneration of US broader socio-econ condition is telling. Che was a commie no matter how much Gandhi Ji slept nude with littel girls, SHWING ! he got a boner and realized he was no saint. Nehru is eating something else and it aint lady Mountbatten either ! :-) Dont know about country music , but the word India is derived of river Indus which happens to be in Pakistan. Bharatmata anyone ?? if you guys want to end in istan then you owe us royalty fees che lover ..learn capitalism buddy !! After a dysfunctional Commie monogamous relationship its understanding to see your ilk be the global harlot of former NoN-alinged fence sitting. By the way China offers NO strings attached as opposed to US/Zio/Bhindutva that really pimp your sovereignty and would like to fill the coeffers of greed mongering share holders in the west to who your lot ARE the ugly exotic flavour du jour.
9) frankly honey ....we dont give a damn !
8) Hindi movie...aww c'mon admit it hindi is Urdu bastardized with Sanskrit buddy ! and you Bollywood sucks ...and am glad lollywood is non existent. Thus they suck less known ...lol...lol....lol...
7)NaMo ...you seem to be have severe case of NoMo'itis ! Please spare us fascism ...we are fighting it in more than one front your ilk is loving it.
6) yeah ! we know ....dysfunctgional to the core ...its here you almost sound yiddish to me buddy ...tsk ...tsk ...plagiarism of the Zio-Nazi Jew ?? awww ...dont worry we know your ilk is buddy with them now!! and really Gandhi ji maybe getting high because you good ol chaps love sleeping with the cult of racism and bigotry! wow ..your extreme hate will sink so low to buddy up to the likes of Judaeo-supremism of the goy !! but natural and mortal enemies eh buddy !
5) ah the mandar of your values ?!?! makes your ilk exceptional doesn't it ? damn boy ...how many times am I gonna bust you for plagiarism of the Zio-Jew ...yahwey's special ...what that makes your people ganesh's exceptional ...more like Kali Ma's really !! :-) daman sonny ..your are your own worst enemy !? lol..
4) Sati / or perhaps Cow pee drinking contest as opposed to cow tipping ....besides its not nice to piss off your recently acquired benefactors the US. Your disdain for people of Arkansas is duely noted.
3) Ya'all drink some aass hot tay ?! umm ....okay I got nothing on this one ...!!
2) Sati ....the practice of spousal murder is not our value ..but has its origins in ...drum roll pahleeze ....you got it ....BharatMata Hinduism !!
1) damn right ..tell them Bhindian Maoists ...even China is going the way of Capitalism so stop terrorizing the poor people of BharatMataLand. Hmm....I wonder why does CNN and Foxxy News not harp on them Maoists so much ???

Nice top ten list ....but again stop plagiarizing Letterman ...I dont like him ...he's a bit too cocky and arrogant by my taste ..ya know ...ya betcha ya !

If you got kojones ..I dare you to publish this ...if not ...dont worry ...it will highlighted here !
http://paktribune.com/pforums/posts.php?t=43858&start=1#177425

Cheerio gool ol chap !
Dhanevaad was a pleasure !!

Saad Raees said...

HAHAHAHAHHA fucking funny hahahaha :p Pakistani here :p

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