India makes history by electing first USB drive as a Laptop

In another Tryst with destiny, India made history today by giving the title of a Laptop to a glorified USB drive.

In a statement released by the education ministry, Mr Arjun Singh, the first 1000 year old man to hold a such an esteemed position in the Indian cabinet, lauded the move and said that this is a testament to the rising power of India. "We now live in a world where any small, useless USB device can grow up to be a laptop. This proves that our reservation policy works. All this talk of merit is nothing but a huge right wing conspiracy. Where right does not refer to the religious right, but to the people who base their opinion on facts and reality. Just because this device does not have complex computing skills and can perform the same tasks as a pre-Y2K floppy drive, does not mean that it cannot aim for the highest category of computing devices. In fact, I have asked my deputies to come up with a comprehensive reservation policy in which 30% of all laptops in India will be sold in the form of USB drives. The current discrimination must stop. Immediately".

Congress President Sonia Gandhi, in a message to the nation, said that this was the ruling coalition's attempt at showcasing India's technical finesse to the rest of the world. "Forget Obama. We have again shown the world how forward our culture is. We may be beating women who dare to grab a drink, but only in our country can we come up with something that looks like Vinay Pathak mated with that awful computer from Koi Mil Gaya. Not only are we post-race in terms of human beings, we're also post-race in terms of computing devices. Suck on that, Iceland. You may have the first lesbian Prime Minister, but we have the first lesbian computing device".

The Indian Prime Minister, released a statement right after Mrs Gandhi did. It was a simple one line note which read "What her most exalted highness, madam said".

The Health Minister released a cautionary statement and said that "This USB drive is bigger than a lot of average Indian male wieners. This might lead to a large outbreak of Penis-envy. We must stop this epidemic from growing more than it's usual size. Some sort of protection against such a calamity must be erected".

Although not everyone was as convinced of the utility of the device.

The Chinese President, in an off the record remark made to a reporter, said that "In our country, a one year old can mass produce ten thousands of these in an hour. Ha. This is one even a challenge. We will own the faux-laptop market in a matter of months if not by next week". He then bit into his sandwich made of export quality peanut butter and went into a clinical coma.

Pakistani President Zardari, denied that Pakistan had any involvement in producing the device. In a statement released on his behalf by Information minister Sherry Rehman, he said that "In Pakistan, we only use science to make weapons of mass destruction which are mostly targeted towards India. Any other scientific development in our country involves cheap shit from Korea".

The Russian Prime Minister was busy attending a concert of an ABBA cover band and was not available for comment.