Jairam Ramesh takes a brave stand against fictional wizards!

Jairam Ramesh, the UPA’s most forthright comedian and India’s #1 collector of wigs designed by Susan Boyle , has finally come out against a crazy, cultish breed of human beings who believe in boy wizards and magic wands!

No, I’m not talking about the RSS, silly!

It’s fans of Harry Potter!

India's environment minister, Jairam Ramesh, who suggested Harry Potter may be at least partly responsible for the decline of the country's owl population. "Following Harry Potter, there seems to be a strange fascination even among the urban middle classes for presenting their children with owls," he reportedly said.

Finally, someone brave enough to stand up to those irritating and demanding human beings commonly referred to as “kids”.Toupee Gandhi will not stand by while all those helpless parents, terrorized by fear, yield to the demands of their powerful and cruel children.

Jairam always knew this would happen. How, you ask? Well, Jairam always knows. It’s among his many gifts. He’s psychic like that! They don’t call him Captain Haircut for nothing!

The report by the wildlife group Traffic, also cited the dark arts of magic as being responsible for the owls' decline but did not blame Harry Potter, instead suggesting that a number of owls were being killed, trapped and traded for traditional rituals."While the exact number of owls traded each year in the countrywide is unknown, it certainly runs into thousands... There are anecdotal reports of owls becoming rare throughout India due to loss of suitable habitat, especially old-growth forests," it said.

Ha! Screw you, “Traffic”! What do you know? You’re just a bunch of people doing comprehensive research on a particular subject. You don’t know what Jairam Ramesh knows. Not only does Jairam Ramesh think outside the box, he’s so far away from the box that the box appears as a dot to him. After all, he is, what Malcom Gladwell calls, an outlier.

"Shaman or black magic practitioners, prescribe the use of owls and their body parts such as skull, feathers, ear tufts, claws, heart, liver, kidney, blood, eyes, fat, beak, tears, eggshells, meat and bones for ceremonial rituals." The report, which is supported by WWF India and the International Union for the Conservation of Nature, says that half of India's 30 species of owl can be found on sale in markets.

You better stop teaching black magic to little kids, Harry. Or Jairam Ramesh will take all the owls in the world and hide them in his hair. Why? Because he can.

 

The Hedwig effect: Harry Potter blamed for endangering owls [The Independent]

(via IyerDeepak)

Apparently, megalomania has no statue of limitations

Warning: This is not fake news.

An Indian politician is calling for a police force to be created to protect statues she has erected of herself and her mentors. The chief minister of Uttar Pradesh state, Mayawati, says her political opponents want to demolish the statues. A bill proposing the force has been introduced in the state assembly, to be debated at a later date.

Yes, pick up your jaw from the floor, sew it back on and then come back for more.

According to the bill tabled in the state assembly, the squad would be named the Special State Security Force. If passed, the bill will give officers powers to detain people they suspect of threatening security near the statues. The initial cost of raising the force is estimated to be 540m rupees ($11.6m; £7.1m). Yearly maintenance would cost 140m rupees ($3m; £1.8m).

That's just dandy.

Maybe if the people of Uttar Pradesh turned into statues, then someone might try to protect them from the criminals?

No?

I could really put a long rant here about how dangerous this woman is to the institution of democracy or how she doesn't give a rat's ass about her constituents.

But what's the point?

She's like Marie Antoinette who wanted the hungry people in her kingdom to eat cake, instead of bread. She's like Colonel Jessop and probably thinks that we can't handle the truth. She's like Arthur Kirkland and believes that it's not her but everyone else who is out of order.

She's like the ugly zit on your face which no amount of make-up can hide. She's like Angela Petrelli from Heroes, responsible for everything bad that occurs, but still getting away with zero percent of the blame.

She's like . . . wait, you get the idea!

ZOMG, we're living in an Anurag Mathur novel!

So I go to sleep for almost a month to try and see what Rip Van Winkle was raving about and it seems that instead of waking up in the real world, I seem to have woken up in one of Anurag Mathur's satirical novels.

Let's look at the evidence:

Karan Johar had to apologize to Raj Thackray for essentially doing something which is guaranteed by the constitution. A little something called Right to Free Speech. So obviously in real life this would not have happened. In real life, the police would have stopped the rent-a-goons which disrupted the movie screenings. In real life, the Chief Minister of Maharashtra would not have gone on every news channel and said that Karan should have gone to the police. Because in real life, one doesn't need to ask the police to essentially do their duty. Because hasn't the Maharashtra government protected the North Indian taxi drivers and railway exam candidates from the MNS goons? And didn't they do a stellar job during 26/11? So this could never have happened in the real world.

Our minister of permanently getting his foot inside his mouth, Shashi Tharoor, got jealous because he had to give a speech on Gandhi Jayanti instead of sitting home and twatting on twitter. So he suggested that everyone should stop taking a day off on Gandhiji's birthday and instead should work like it's going out of fashion. Again, this would never happen in the real world because politicians should be the last people to give tips on "working hard". Because my grandmother does more work than these politicians and she's been dead for ten years. So this won't happen in the real world. Ever. And if it did, I would be giving Mr Tharoor the same advise I give my Aunt Nina when she wants to drunk-dial one of her ex-husbands. PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

Then our fearless government appointed liaison of corporate affairs, a bobble-head named Salman Khursheed, decided to appoint himself the UPA government's "pay-czar" and 'warned' the companies against 'vulgar' salaries & perks. That could never happen in the real world. Because if anyone knows about vulgar salaries & perks, it's the politicians. In the real world, people who get taxpayer's to pay for their house, their cars, their household help, their phones, their travelling expenses, their toilet paper, their food, their viagra, their hernia operation, their re-election expenses, the upkeep of their mistresses's and her family, would not shoot their mouth and accuse others of unnecessary expenses. This would never happen in the real world because didn't we learn during one of those 'moral science' classes that we must practice what we preach?

Of course when one is writing a satirical novel about India, how can the symbol of our national apathy and ability to procrastinate endlessly, Air India, be left behind? Because in real life, if there was a scuffle between the airline staff in mid-air, there would have been hell to pay and heads would roll. But during this chapter in the book, nothing happened except a few really creepy news reports. Also, in real life, the government would never invest billions of rupees in a company which has already lost billions of rupees. In real life, any company with such a bad business model would have been shut down. Unless of course, if it was a Wall Street bank. Because Wall Street banks are too big to fail. Even in a fictional novel. In real life, we need to do to Air India what we do to poor, useless old people. Euthanize it.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that pseudo-sanctimony is very funny. A movie, titled Indian Summer, based on the book of the same name, uses the backdrop of our Independence struggle while also depicting the personal lives of some of our 'esteemed' leaders, has faced a lot of artificial roadblocks while it is still in the pre-production phase. Somehow our 'fictional' government feels that this is against our 'culture' and deeply censors the movie to the point that it completely deviates from reality. That's because the fictional government doesn't want to let out the secret that even the leaders of our freedom movement had sexual intercourse, because that would make them lesser human beings and prove that immaculate conception is really a myth. In real life, this would be really, really ridiculous and people would actually not stand for such nonsense.

One of the funniest things about our political culture is the large amounts of sycophancy that is in the DNA of our politicians. So therefore in a satirical novel, no one would raise an eyebrow when the incompetent head of the Commonwealth games organising committee would suggest that the commonwealth games can be salvaged only by Rahul Gandhi. It would never happen in real life because anyone with even half a brain would realize that it would be suicidal to add nepotism to a project which has already been clusterfucked beyond any recognition.

Lastly, have you ever thought how hilariously funny it would be if the CBI suddenly decided to close the bofors case-file just because it has been too long? How can this even happen in real life? Because doesn't conventional wisdom tell us that the long hands of the law catch up to us one time or another? Where are The Hardy Boys when you actually need them! It's also really funny that the character who plays 'Minister of Law' in the book says that they stopped pursuing a case because it would be really sad to 'celebrate' the case's golden jubilee? Ha, ha. That is simply too funny to be true. I think Roman Polanski would agree with me on this one.

 

Therefore, I think it would be best if I back to sleep and hopefully wake up in the real, saner world.

 

 

Karan Johar’s apology a publicity stunt: Ashok Chavan [Indian Express]
Why is Gandhi Jayanti a holiday? [Times Now]
Salman Khursheed warns firms on "vulgar" top pay [Reuters India]
Air India speaks on cabin scuffle [BBC News]
Air India Estimates 50 Billion Rupees Loss This Year [WSJ India]
From saint to statesman [Mint]
Rahul Gandhi can be leader of Commonwealth Games: Kalmadi [TOI]
We did not want to celebrate golden jubilee of Bofors case [TOI]

Maya's revenge: The perils of a VIP constituency

Why is this not surprising:

On Tuesday, Amethi observed a 'bandh' to protest the undeclared power cuts which last up to 18 hours a day. Amethi is being subjected to blackouts for almost a fortnight now.

So Amethi pays the price for voting their preference. Since the people of Uttar Pradesh threw cold water on her Prime Ministerial ambitions, she takes it out on them. Not that this is anything new. This woman lives in her own world where the constitution does not exist and everyone else in the country is there only to enable her to achieve her dream of installing a statue of herself in every inch of the country. She's like a female Kim Jong-Ill, right down to the bad hairdo.

Yes the power situation is bad all through the country, but the situation in Amethi is fubar'ed because of "political reasons":

If UP Power Corporation sources are to be believed, the 'power' problem is a more political one. A senior official said the Centre had set up a 220 KVA power sub-station in Rae Bareli at a cost of Rs150 crore, three years ago, to ensure uninterrupted power supply to Amethi, Rae Bareli and other adjoining districts. "Since this is a VIP area, the distribution lines were also linked with the national grid. If despite all this, power rostering of up to 18 hours is being done, then the reasons are obvious," the official said.

I find the fact that these two "VIP" constituencies given special rights quite disturbing indeed. That is nothing new and it deserves a whole another post.

However, denying the people their basic right and making them suffer for not voting for you is bullying and is nothing short of treason. She is proud of the fact that she spent millions and millions of Rupees building statues for herself while a large portion of her state lacks even basic amenities.

On Tuesday, people in Amethi who were trying to peacefully protest were lathi-charged.

Not that other people fare any better. When Mulayam Singh was CM, he used to do the same thing. Now is is huffing and puffing about the how the people of both these constituencies are being treated unfairly. How the mighty have fallen.

These "politicos" along with their counterparts in the bureaucracy and the police have their own unique system of governance. Instead of actually being doing their job, they exist to suck the the blood out of the tax-paying public.

People like them have no business in Government, but as long as they have a mass base which will continue to turn a blind eye to their shenanigans, we will never get rid of them.

 

Where is Mr. India when you really need him?

Gah.

 

Powerful Mayawati renders Rahul's Amethi powerless [DNA]
'Drubbed in polls, vindictive Maya targeting Amethi voters' [TOI]
Power crisis in Amethi, Cong suspects Maya's power play [IBN-LIVE]

Indian Government thinks that babies are delivered by storks and Dr Hymen visits Madhya Pradesh

Our national government is hard at work these days. Since taking charge a little over a month ago, our government has been busy protecting the citizens of this country.

For example, after spending thousands and thousands of hours of  manpower reviewing the evidence, your pro-people government has decided to go ahead and ban the Indian cartoon porn site, Savita Bhabi.

For those in the corridors of power, however, Savita’s promiscuity was no laughing matter. Last month the Government ordered internet service providers to block the site. To do so it evoked section 67 of the Information Technology Act. The law allows the Government to ban websites that threaten “the sovereignty or integrity of India, defence and security of the state” or that endanger “friendly relations with foreign states”.

In other words, the government thinks a cartoon porn site is a threat to our national security. Gee, I wonder who the cartoon really is.

Now, admittedly, I don't care for the existence of that site. Not because I am not cheap and trashy, but because cartoon porn does not interest me. Therefore I am not one of the "60 million sexually repressed" Indians who visit the website every month for their sexual catharsis.

What I want to know is why is the government policing the internet? The government is not supposed to "parent" the country.

No. That's the job for the anchors at Times Now.

Isn't it great that the people in our government have finally figured out this internet thing everyone keeps talking about? And now that they have banned the ungodly Savita Bhabi website, which obviously has NO way of being accessed through an alternate source, this will finally put an end to pornography on the internet.

Jai Ho, indeed.

_______________

Have you been looking around and realizing that the number of people around you is growing at an exponentially large rate? Have you ever wondered if the government is going to take a few steps to curb the population growth? Well, don't fear, cause Ghulam Nabi Azad is here:

Marry late and have children even later, is Union Health Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad’s mantra to control population.

Azad was speaking at a function to commemorate ‘World Population Day’, the day India’s population crossed 1.17 billion.

Couples from backward areas, who had opted to marry after turning 18, were awarded by the health ministry at the function

 

After reading the above extract, my mind fills with a million questions. First of them is, Why the fuck are we commemorating "World Population Day"? Is the human race on the brink of extinction? Do we not have enough people in this country?

In a country's history, a time comes when the the whole nation and it's people need to sit back for a moment and reflect. Such a time has come for our country. When we can have more than a thousand people who are ready to enter married "bliss" with Rakhi Savant, it should give everyone a little pause. What happened? What really went wrong? What caused such a tragic turn of events? Why do people have such low self-esteem? Where are we heading as a nation? My point is, don't we have enough people already? Why do we need to COMMEMORATE one of our nation's biggest failures? What's next? The child-marriage weekend extravaganza? A new reality show called I'm a farmer, get me out of here which documents the plights of poor farmers who end up killing themselves? Why not have a bi-annual weekly festival commemorating corrupt politicians?

Another question I have is about the brilliant suggestion given by the health minister. Asking people to get married at thirty. It's a WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL idea in a country which is OBSESSED with marriage. I'm sure hearing the honourable minister make such a dispassionate appeal about getting married at thirty will change the minds of millions of people who get their pre-pubescent teenage children married to someone else's pre-pubescent teenage children.

Okay, do you have any other ideas, Mr Minister, which will help to slow down the population explosion?

Ghulam Nabi Azad, the Health and Family Welfare Minister, has called for the country to redouble its efforts to bring electricity to all of its huge rural population.

The introduction of the electric light and television sets to those vast areas that still did not have them would discourage procreation, he argued.

“If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children,” Mr Azad said. “When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies.”

 

Is it written in the constitution that the country's health minister has to be a DERANGED and DELLUSIONAL individual? Why are our health ministers mentally so UNHEALTHY?

_________________

However, the MP government is spending taxpayer's money to literally fell up it's constituents. No, kidding.

All 151 girls who participated in a mass wedding conducted by the Madhya Pradesh government on June 26 were forced to undergo virginity tests before doing so.

The mass wedding in Shahdol, 600 km east of Bhopal, was part of a welfare measure, the Mukhyamantri Kanyadaan Yojna (Chief Minister’s ‘giving away the bride’ programme) begun by the state in April 2006. Under it, single adult women from poor families – be they unmarried, widowed, divorced or abandoned – who have found themselves prospective spouses but cannot afford the wedding expenses, are married off in groups and paid a fixed sum of Rs 6500 as well.

 

Why is the government of Madhya Pradesh giving away brides? Did the people elect the owner of Shaddi.com as their chief minister? What exactly happened there? Who comes up with such ideas?

There is more:

“At first I refused to go through the test,” said a Baiga tribal girl, who was among the brides at Shahdol, but who does not want to be identified. “But an officer told me I would not be allowed inside the marriage hall unless the gynaecologist declared me eligible. And the only way I could be eligible was by going through the test.”

“The gynecologist [sic] manually examined,” she added.

I think the reporter writing this news item has never heard of a little handy tool called spellcheck!

As usual, this is not even the worst part of the news. There is still a little more:

“I’ve ordered an enquiry,” Neeraj Dubey, Shahdol district collector told HT. But his sympathies were clear. “The test was a precautionary measure,” he added. “Last year one of the brides delivered a baby even as the marriage ceremony was on. Since there is money involved, many women, try to take advantage.”

The programme [sic] been allocated a Rs 25 crore budget this year. In three years, 88,460 such marriages have been solemnized in different districts of the state.

 

This is the worst vetting process EVER. Even the McCain campaign, which cleared clusterfuck Governor Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from becoming the leader of the free world, had a better vetting process.

And if you're spending Rs. 25 crores, it is advisable to come up with a better method of investigating the intentions of the participants than HAVING A GYNACOLOGIST SEARCH FOR BROKEN HYMENS. ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?

Also, I'm guessing that none of these brides were over 30. Where was the health minister?

Oh yes, he was busy COMMEMORATING the country's population.

 

 

I think I need to fill out my Prozac prescription right about now.

Later, then.

 

 

 

 

Savita Bhabhi cartoon porn website blocked by Indian security law [Times UK]
Ghulam Nabi Azad says late-night TV will help slow India’s birth rate [Times UK]
Govt holds virginity test for MP brides [HT]
Azad favours late marriages to curb population growth[HT]

Sarah Palin quits as Governor to make her children mooseburgers for breakfast everyday

While all of you on this side of the pacific were spending your weekend having the kind of sex which would anger the Pope and might still be illegal in 27 states, the world was watching, with bemused horror, how the hockey Mom from Alaska used a baseball analogy to resign from her "job" as Governor of Alaska.

She did that because she wanted to make a real difference.  Because being chief executive of a state is really not the place to make real policy difference.

That's not even the crazy part.

 

 

Basically, she says that since she's not a quitter, she's quitting so that she could better help the state she is currently the chief executive for. And even that's not the crazy part.

Her speech (literally from the horse's mouth) consists of 18 exclamation marks and still does not have an actual point. However, my favourite part of the speech is this:

May we all learn from them!

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska.

Oh Sarah, you truly are the bestest. This woman makes the fourth-grade level speeches George Bush gave seem kinda Presidential.

Now, people throw around the word "victim" a lot. (Specially those people who read books about neo-spirituality and act all happy and shit really early in the morning. I mean, WTF is wrong with you crazy fucks?) However, if there was anybody who could be used as the poster child for being a "victim", then it is the Wicked Witch of Wasilla, Sarah Palin. has made a career of playing victim. Whether it is feuding with David Letterman over a silly joke or blaming Barack Obama for bloggers who are allegedly badmouthing her, she plays victim to the tee. This woman exemplifies the present day conservative movement in America. The take-no-responsibility for your actions, find a straw man to blame for all the mistakes you make, make fun of people who read anything other than the bible, deny global warming crowd. This is the kind of people who define conservatism today. The holier-than-thou sanctimonious idiots who blame hurricanes on everything from abortion to same-sex unions. These people are so further away from the truth, that one imagines which planet they really inhabit.

The GILF has now quit every elected office that she has held, including previously when she was mayor and when she was resigned as a member of the Alaska Oil and Gas commission to run for Lt. Governor. She and her supporters like to romanticize actions like this by saying that she is a "maverick". Looks like being a maverick in the republican playbook means quitting. Even the original GOP maverick, John McCain, "suspended" his campaign to handle a "crisis".

It takes a lot to be the looniest Governor in a party which has such thought leaders like Mark Sanford and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Never mind that most of the recent attacks on her have been from people in her own party, she nevertheless didn't falter in blaming the liberal media and democratic "writers" for her decreased job satisfaction, the wolf-hunter is now going to sue everybody on the internet who tries to expose her lack of any ethics or any live brain cells. Yes, because to get people to stop talking about something, you ask your cheap-ass lawyer to threaten them. (Please see everbody else who tried that before you to see how that usually works out.)

There are many competing theories as to why did she go all mavericky and quit in such a hastily called press conference. The only thing anyone is sure of is that the train wreck called Sarah Palin is just getting started and that there is so much more to come.

It might have come from Wassila, but it's not going back there any time soon.

You betcha!

Delhi Government to help city conserve power by not giving any to it's citizens

So people all over Delhi are spilling on to the streets because if they stay at home, they might dehydrate or die of a heat stroke or something. So what does the Chief Minister of the National Capital region do to help the masses? What does the third-term wonder, the woman who almost became Prime Minister back when there was a lot of speculation on which humanoid/robot/bat-like-creature would occupy the formerly august office? What wondrous solutions would the super-granny of Delhi come up with as per her pre-election promise of fixing the problems that she has not been able to fix in the past ten years, which includes everything.

Delhi Government is mulling a proposal to provide personal security officers to all the MLAs in the national capital.

Oh, goody! Go, Sheila, go! If this does not solve the problems of the people then I don't know what will. All the protestors who spend the night knocking the doors of an empty BSES office (saw this on teevee) and the day trying to earn some money to pay the government so that they can provide them with, err, water & electricity, can go home now. It always pays to keep it simple, stupid.

The problem with getting elected with a huge majority is that people actually expect you to fix things, attend to their problems, think of them for a minute or two during some fleeting moment when you are not trying to distance yourself from the problems that arise from the decisions you make or when you are not blaming someone else for your OWN failure.

Not that the rest of the legislature is any better.

A day after Vidhan Sabha speaker Yoganand Shastri directed all House members to be present during discussions pertaining to their respective departments, the Delhi Assembly had to be adjourned for 30 minutes as the dismal attendance of Members of the Legislative Assembly (MLA) for the session failed to fulfill the quorum of the House.

While the session was scheduled to begin at 2 pm on Friday, only 17 members of the ruling party and three of the Opposition were present, falling short of three MLAs to complete the quorum of 23 members required to begin the proceedings of the House

So while most of them don't even bother to attend, at least those who are there have something important to discuss:

Several MLAs in Delhi assembly yesterday demanded amendments in the relevant law so that they are allowed to use red beacon lights on their vehicles.

Raising the issue in the House, BJP legislator Saheb Singh Chauhan said although an MLA was higher in status in comparison to the Chief Secretary of the state, they were still not allowed to use beacon lights on their vehicles.

Several MLAs cutting across party lines supported the demand and said government should made amendments in the Motor Vehicle Act to remove the hurdle for using the beacon lights by the elected representatives.

Beacon lights.

They want beacon lights.

 

For more info, click here, here and here.

Delhi's grandmother wants to spend the next five years writing thank you notes

So last year, the people of Delhi lost their mind and out of respect and deference to the elderly, gave Shiela Dikshit a third term so that she may complete her task of ruining Delhi.

While her finance minister presented his budget in the annual laughing club meet of the Delhi assembly, her government billed it as a "thanksgiving budget". Why did they do so? because they wanted to thank the people of Delhi for voting for the Congress twice in less than a year. I'm sure most Delhities will never forgive themselves. Although, it's not like they had a choice. It was either Grandma Dikshit or that guy who puts anyone he speaks to into a deep slumber for a hundred years.

So what great gifts did the government reward it's people with? Ten bucks and an e-card? More electricity? Better roads? Mandating that tofu be served along with the snake-infested mid-day meals in government schools?

No, actually.

They went about this in another direction.

Long, long ago, in 2005, when the earth wasn't dying so fast and Maddona had only one stolen kid from Africa, our diligent lawmakers gave themselves a gift of top of the line laptops and inkjet printers. Now, many of them were from the previous assembly and already had been allotted printers and laptops. But, somehow, most of them seemed to have "lost" or "misplaced" their computers and thus required a new one. Just like when you lose your car keys, you havta buy a new car! This whole exercise cost the taxpayer a measly sum of Rs. 51 Lakhs. Turns out, most of the MLA's didn't even know how to use their fancy computers. So let's fast forward to this year, when, to help all our MLA's find free porn sites which don't install too many spyware programs, the government of Delhi has given them an allowance of Rs. 7,500 to be paid monthly to a "data operator".

It's like Christmas in June for the citizens of Delhi.

Meanwhile, the government also promises to one day complete the Delhi State Cancer Institute which was supposed to be actually operational by 2006. Hey, at least they almost got it's website to work. The real thing will follow soon. Progress takes time, ya know.

Oh, and the government also wanted to open a super-hospital for liver treatment sometime in this decade. They even interviewed people for it last year. So what, eh? Cheer up. Most people with liver problems are alcoholics anyway. And they can follow former prime minister VP Singh's example and get treated on taxpayer's expense in London. You can make a vacation out of it. In the mornings they can dilate your liver and in the evenings you can have tea and scones with the Queen in the Buckingham Palace Gardens while the Duke and Prince Harry shout racist abuses at you.

Oh, and don't forget grandmother CM's crowning achievement. A BRT corridor which has actually caused more problems then it has attempted to fix. In fact, some say that it outlived it's usefulness even before it was built. However, as per grandma, that's just media generated talk. The Chief Minister even drove through the corridor during non-peak hours when there was mild traffic to prove that it works. Even if in reality it doesn't work anywhere in the world. If Sheila Dikshit says it does, than it does. She's very Chuck Norris about these things.

Even though this might seem like the government's flipping you the bird and pointing at you & laughing while simultaneously chanting "Gotcha for a third time, you stupid suckers!" over and over again, it's a show of appreciation.

As the great decider of democracy once said, ". . . fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again".

Railways Ministry bites the hand it was (not) supposed to feed

Elections have consequences. Sometimes, even for those who treat the country as their own private backyard.

It appears that when Mr Laloo Yadav was Railways Minister, there was some land allotted to two of his relatives. Afterwards, the land was acquired back by the government for construction of a railway station.

When any land is acquired by the government, the person who owns the land is supposed to receive a fair compensation in lieu of the attached property.

So basically, the government gave away the land. After a few months it realized that it was a dumb thing to do and it actually needs the land. So it did the brilliant thing and BOUGHT back the land. Of course, an alternate route was a strict no-no.

I'm sure Mr Yadav being the railways minister had nothing to do with this "transaction" at all. I'm sure that it is simply a coincidence. I'm sure that there was no conflict of interest at all.

It can happen to anybody, can't it? I mean don't you remember when you were young you gave away all your toys to a younger cousin of yours and then you realized that you might have also hidden your porn stash in there and so you run to his house to get it back but you find that the little asshole has already discovered it and now you need to pay him off so that he would stay mum about your errr, exotic interests?

Since a new station wagon now runs the Railways Ministry, the new District land acquisition officer has not only cancelled the allotment, but has also asked the relatives of Mr Yadav to return the money.

How do you think it makes Mr Yadav feel? Till a few months ago he had a cabinet berth, a ministry a lot of people crave for and he was regaling students from Ivy league schools with anecdotes about his pet cow(s). And now, no one voted for him, no one wants to give him a ministry anymore and they are even taking back taxpayer's money from his relatives which they will now probably spend to build some railway track in godforsaken West Bengal.

As they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall!

 

For more information, click here.

Dude, where's my government?

Taking a break from swearing at each other, the Congress and it's allies finally decided to swear with each other. Finally, Karunanidhi was able to satisfy all his forty wives and give ministries to hundreds of his own children. Farooq Abdullah doesn't have to sulk and hit on women in foreign countries anymore and Agatha Sangma is  joining a government of a party her father literally loathes.

So besides having thousands of ministers, another hallmark of this government, as per the Congress talking heads, is that it's younger than the previous one. Clearly, nothing says "young" than a council of ministers with an average age of 62. Thanks, Grandpa.

So everyone has been wondering where exactly is their government at? I mean didn't we just vote for one over a whole excruciatingly painful month? So what came of such a "decisive mandate"?

This is the problem with the Congress. Before the elections, it's always like this boy who has never had sex and is asking every girl he sees for an alliance. And after the elections, it's like the boy who doesn't know what goes where and always ends up in the wrong, errr, part of town on his wedding night.

We've literally had a government in absentia even before the elections were notified. We do need a government sometimes. There is a global recession going on, something you would not believe if you see all the weddings taking place in Delhi.  Also, depending on the TV ratings, there might be a global pandemic which might kill everyone who loves them some pepperoni pizza. And in case no one noticed, with the kind of neighbours we have, who really needs enemies who want to see you drop dead?

Some might argue that most government departments are better off and more efficient without a minister, which to an extent is very true. However, we do need someone to make those policy decisions because our bureaucrats are busy sending the same files to each other over and over again because no one in the IAS has ever heard of the internet. Alternatively, having a "performer" as a minister does make a difference. Hell, even the pretence of performance is somehow good for the country. That's because, as everyone knows, in our country people appreciate symbolism more than actually doing something. If you don't believe me, ask Param Vir Akshay Kumar.

In short, this is what we can expect in the next five years. Family politics played out on national television, ministers who can't even write their own name, putting party before country, lip service instead of doing any actual work. 

What was that thing about change, again?

Apologies to the Indian Voter

Dear Indian Voter,

I owe you a sincere apology. Till about Friday evening, I always used to think of you as a dick. Sometimes, I even wondered whether you were retarded. Or assumed that like most of the people I know, you were on crack too.

But, fortunately for you, for the first time in my life, I take my words back. (Discounting the time when I was five and my Dad made me take back what I said to a particular nosy relative even though I didn't mean too. Since I don't want to go into details, let's just say that she had never been called a word that rhymes with punt).

Knowing your penchant for pretending that human beings do not have reproductive organs, and children are born because you starve yourself to death every Monday, I safely assume that you would be outraged at being called a dick. After all, it's just like the love that dare not speak it's name.

However, can you blame me for referring to you with such an epithet? You are the same people who, just five years ago, gave the party of Prakash "I'm going to wear the same white shirt for five years no matter how much it fades" Karat SIXTY seats. And the same people who almost gave everyone a heart attack by making us think that the words "Prime Minister Mayawati" might ever be a distinct possibility. You even voted for Sukh Ram. Sukh Ram. The guy whose cleaning lady is a billionaire because she used to find unattended currency notes lying around in his house. In fact, if Sukh Ram would have been British, he would have been the Speaker of the House of Commons. But we're Indian. We should have a higher standard than a country which would let a future King marry a horse.

However, kudos to you, for voting out the "kingmakers", the "wheeler-dealers", and other kinds of pimps whose desire to "serve" you was as fake as Pakistan's intentions to take on the Taliban.

You proves that al the talking heads on TV, who call themselves Pundits are as clueless as, well, real Pandits! You even showed the middle finger to smug elitist little assholes (who are not me) masquerading as journalists. For that, yes, I do owe you an apology.

However, let's not lose sight here. We might have voted for the lesser evil, but remember it is the lesser evil. While it may not be Darth Vader, it's just as bad as Dr. No.

These are the same people who thought that giving serial dresser, Shivraj "Look at my coat, bitches" Patil the HOME ministry and giving him the responsibility to lead our national security team was a good idea. These are the same people who continue to let someone who can't even stand, shoulder the responsibility of our education. I don't know about you, but I think that it's not a good idea for someone born in the late 15 Century be our minister for Human Resource and Development. These are the same people who let part time sociopath and full time deranged individual be the administrator of public health. These are the same people who quoted the Bible, yes, the same book which Donald Rumsfield used to justify killing Iraqis, as proof against homosexuality, in a court of law. The same book which says that the earth is flat and that animal cruelty is okay because God gave animals no soul.

So let's not lose sight of what's important here. Despite what the sensex will tell you, we do have tough times ahead. We need a government which actually pushes through some much needed reforms. The new government has to choose. It can either be like the movie Juno, and be an underrated sleeper hit or it can turn out like Speed 2, which although had so much potential, was a bigger disaster than the movie depicted.

However, until then, let's just gloat about the fact that the Indian voter put an economist into the most powerful office in the country. Even if he doesn't wield that much power. 

What? Do you think a "game-changing" election means newer jokes?

Now that's funny!

This week in Entitled Politicians

Last week's election day was not good for the Yadav brethren of the "fourth front". Both Mulayam and Laloo were caught on candid camera.

Relax, it's not what you think.

Mulayam was caught seen trying to intimidate an IAS officer deputed for election duty as the officer did not allow him to take more than one "bodyguard" while going to cast his ballot. The officer of course was only following the rules. But Mr Yadav insisted that "he was the law". Something like that anyway.

The next mildly disturbing visual was the other Mr Yadav, Laloo, treating the reporters gathered at the polling booth the same way he treats a wild cow in his shed. Raising his hand to pretend to hit them until they go back into their "rightful" place.  [Please note that no cows were hurt during the thought process for this terrible metaphor. Thanks.]

Of course. Both of them did this with brazen comeuppance. Not even the pretension of minimum civility that they usually put on when the cameras start rolling.

These are the tactics of people who have nothing else to lose. They simply reek of desperation. They know their so called vote bank is not really into TV news probably because most of them don't even have TV. And if they did, it would have been stolen by the local mafia. anyway This is their frustration rearing it's ugly head. They might get such a small number of seats that they would have no leverage. And since they are out of power at the state level too, they can literally smell their stint in irrelevance. Therefore they do things like these or throw tantrums asking for the Congress's attention because sometimes, a brother just wants a hug.

***

Another entitled politician is out Minister for Youth affairs, Sports and other things no one else cares about, Mr M.S. Gill. He is so fake outraged by the mobile IPL game that he even fake warned Lalit Modi. Does the Congress have a problem with anyone who uses the last name Modi?

As for the Sports Minister, is this what you want to take on? Don't you have better things to do? Like take on those bookies who ACTUALLY gamble on the game? Or maybe find and book other criminals. But of course, how can you take on criminals? That would involve persecuting members of your own party and your other "allies". Of course, in case people don't agree with you, then you can threaten them with consequences.

You know what's a bigger gamble, Mr Minister? Voting for your party. In fact, for any party. Because you may be mortal enemies with certain parties one day, and be their staunchest allies the next. Like the honourable PM. Last year said that the left parties made him feel like a "bonded labourer", and now, suddenly he "enjoys" working with the left.

Really? Because when one thinks of fun and enjoyment, one thinks of Prakash Karat and Sitaram Yechury!

Enjoy? Seriously?

***

Speaking of people who are entitled, has anyone ever noticed as how our politicians always refer to coming into government as "coming into power". And their terms in government are defined as "X Party reign" and the party is government is always referred to as the "ruling party".

Not that I am under any delusions, but, Gee, Freudian slip much?

***

How can one speak of entitled politicians and not mention the uncrowned Queen of the Congress party?

Does anyone remember the last interview she gave? I, for one, do not.

I agree that sometimes our media is nothing to write home about. We've got one lady on a particular channel who keeps feigning outrage at the drop of a hat, another host of 9 PM show who I'm sure cries to sleep everyday and another managing editor who doesn't forget to say "A week is a long time in Indian politics" at every damn opportunity. (No offense, but get a new catchphrase buddy. It's been fifteen years. Even Hulk Hogan reinvented himself more than you do).

However, having said that, the media, is a very important part of our democracy. Granted that most of their shows revolve around little children falling into a ditch and the next temple AbhiAsh is going to worship at, but sometimes they do come through.

Of course the argument can be made that Mrs G does not hold any office and hence is not answerable to the public. Au contraire, my dear Watson. She calls herself the leader of the UPA. And she is the President of the Congress Party. She goes around the country every election asking for people to vote for her party. She does need to be questioned. And she needs to give non-scripted answers.

Although I don't think that's possible. Any journalist who does manage to get access, will probably ask such softball questions that even Jayanti Natrajan would tear up a little bit. And the last time Jayanti cried, it was the minute after she was born.

Not that I would be interested. If I wanted to see someone speak Hindi with a bad accent, I would watch a Salman Khan movie.

What?

The scary singing dictator

 

He can get anyone in the world killed at a whim. He wants everyone to pay ten times over for use of Russia's natural resources/restrooms. He can take a bull by the horn during his morning walk and reach home in time for breakfast.  He wants to take your babies and use their blood to feed his army of cyborgs.

But Damn! He can sing!.

Look out, Susan Boyle. Russia's got talent too!

Government flip-flops; wants to make shoe throwing a national sport

After pretending to be offended at the various shoes that have been thrown at various politicians, the Indian government today said that if it comes to power again after the elections, it would introduce legislation making shoe-throwing a national sport.

In a hastily called press conference, Sports & Youth Affairs minister, M.S. Gill said that "Why fight it? It's an inexpensive sport. You don't need anything much for it anyway. All you require is an old shoe and a despicable politician. And need I remind you that our country is filled with thousands and thousands of specimens of the latter?" .

When asked by a reporter  whether all the people who threw the shoe were actually frustrated with the current crop of politicians and wanted to see something other than empty promises, Mr Gill laughed off the question. "This is India. We elect politicians who don't do anything for us. And then we elect them again. And again. You see, our elections are like washing your hair with shampoo. Lather, rinse and repeat. Simple. Although, washing your hair does actually make it cleaner. No chance of that happening in the elections".

He added that even if people are missing their target and are actually not that good with their aim, need not worry. "Not being talented has not stopped anyone from being successful in sports before. Look at the Indian cricket  team for example. And in the circumstance the shoe hits it's target, well, as the fellow once said, if the shoe hits, bear it". He then laughed at his own joke for ten minutes.

Mr Gill seemed to be very excited about his new venture. "In fact," he told the reporters present that "I have even selected a theme song for the sport. I am even exploring the possibilities of including it in the 2010 Commonwealth Games in New Delhi".

When questioned by a reporter from Mint about where he would get the money from, he said that even though he is working on a shoe-string budget, he would try to find some money for his project. And that he believed that the UPA was a shoo-in to form the next government, and that he hoped that it would be one of the government's priorities.

The left parties were wary of the government. "This bears the footprint of the neo-imperialists. You know which country I am talking about. The same country which would put Sanjaya on worldwide television", said a fuming Sitaram Yechury still angry over the season six American Idol contestant.

SP general secretary Amar Singh criticised the move. "When we come to power, we will just ban people from wearing shoes. That's the best solution to everything. For example, to reduce the population, we need to ban sex".

MNS leader Raj Thackrey said that anyone in Maharashtra who plans to pursue this sport should only throw shoes which have been manufactured in Maharashtra. "Maharashtra is for Maharashtrian shoes only. All other shoes should be sent back to where they came from. Anyone seen throwing shoes which are not of Maharashtran origin will be made to smell Bappi Lahri's shoes for a week. Remember, he's been wearing the same pair since 1965".

Dangerous Republicans

Republicans just don't get it. Remember there was once a stimulus package that was to be passed by the US Congress and the Senate? And the Obama administration couldn't get enough Republicans vote in the Senate, because according to the Republicans, there was too much spending in a bill which was created with the purpose of spending too much. So as to be able to, you know, stimulate the economy. Anyways, in the end they got three "moderate" Republicans to vote for them by cutting things that the three musketeers didn't like.

It turns out that one of the things that they cut from the bill was funding for preparing for a pandemic flu outbreak. Such as, wait for it, the flu currently toping the Pandemic flu charts, the Swine flu.

 

Nice work, GOP. Thanks to your incompetence to comprehend the basic reality, a lot of people will die.

This is the same party whose members refuse to recognize Global Warming calling it a "liberal idea" and who quote the bible when told about the consequences of not taking steps to decrease it.

Again, isn't this just another form of terrorism?

Update: Now, according to the republicans, the flu out-break is supposed to be a cover-up.

Even the tribes in the Amazon are like "Dude, are you cruking futs??"

Open letters

To,

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

When you actually have to say something multiple times, it implies that it isn't true. By repeating to every person you meet that "you're not weak", it ends up having the completely opposite effect. It further adds to their belief that you are weak. To keep on repeating something which is not a fact isn't going to make it come true. (Ref. Bush administration Iraq-WMD evidence)

If you want to prove to the world that you aren't the most weak person ever in a list which includes VP Singh and IK Gujral, then I would suggest that you either fire one or your ministers or release "secret" footage of you crushing a Heineken beer can with your bare hands.

To,

Prakash Karat,

If you are hell bent on renegotiating every treaty we ever signed, can you first please renegotiate your head out of your ass? Thanks.

To,

LK Advani,

You're not Barack Obama. Just because you put online adds, and thanks to google's user-surly targeted adds system, they appear on every goddamn site we visit,  we're not going to think that you're Barack Obama. You're more than eighty years old. Everything from the talkies to colour television was invented AFTER you were born. So, just because you start a blog doesn't mean we're going to be able to connect with you.

Although, please consider a request. For the love of everything good in the world, please, never open a twitter account. Thanks.

To,

Conspiracy theorists,

If you want to prove that Rahul Gandhi is "Raoul" and Priyanka is "Bianca" then please produce some actual evidence. Not everything that is printed on the internet is true. You do know that you can use google to search for things other than porn & detailed instructions on building a nuclear weapon in your secret science lab in the basement, don't you?

To,

MK Karunanidhi,

A bandh never makes sense. It makes even less sense when YOU are in the frikin government. Only in India do politicians hold demonstrations against themselves. Oh, and by the by, what happened? Did you suddenly run out of telegrams? You could have sent one to yourself instead of pretending to close a whole city.

To,

J Jayalalitha,

When you say that you have the country's best interest in your mind, how do you keep a straight face and not be all "LMAO, y'all".

Also, do you think we really believe you when you say that?

You do?

LMAO.

To,

Susan Boyle,

Oh Susan! What have you done to yourself? We want you to look frumpy. We want your bad eyebrows back. We want you to look like something a drunk Scottish cat dragged in. That is because then we can feel wonderful about the fact that, for once, we appreciated someone for their "inner beauty". Whatever that is.

p.s. Your semi-makeover makes you look like Hyacinth Bucket.

Time to shoot the messenger

When the Tamil Nadu chief minister says that he is in touch with the central government, he means that he is communicating with them in morse code.

Or worse.

The matter came up during the Congress briefing in view of reports that the Chief Minister had sent telegrams to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and External Affairs Minister Pranab Mukherjee asking them to issue an ultimatum to Colombo.

And this is not the first time.

"Save the total Tamil race in Sri Lanka from being completely wiped out - ensure ceasefire and initiate peace talks immediately," he said in a telegram, a copy of which was released to the media here tonight.

The telegram was also addressed to Congress President Sonia Gandhi, External Affairs Minister Pranab Mukherjee and Union Home Minister P Chidambaram.

Has Mr I-am-so-cool-I-wear-black-glasses-even-at-night ever heard of something called a telephone?

Or a computer?

And this is the leader of the party which gave us the Union Minister of Communications and IT.

Jesus F'ing Christ.

You can't make this shit up.

Sigh. Why is our political system like a Rob Schneider movie?

Mr K'nidhi, even texting is less complicated and more cheaper than using the telegraph.

Thankfully, according to some other old guy who loves things that are obsolete, the telegram is dying!

After more than 150 years of service, and often immortalized in film and fiction, the Indian telegraph system is losing out to newer means of communication. While investments and technology innovations are still forthcoming, demand for the service has dropped dramatically. And even long-time employees of the telegraph system believe the history of the telegraph in India, which began in 1833, is slowly drawing to a close.

Finally.

It's been more than one hundred and fifty years.

Die already.

Priyanka Gandhi says that Rahul Gandhi's as yet unborn children are fit to be Prime Minister

Fielding questions from C-level journalists while campaigning for Congress candidates, Priyanka Gandhi today said that she thinks that her brother Rahuls as-yet-unborn children will be fit to be PM, as and when they are born and grow up.

"I'm sure they would make great leaders even though they are not born yet. How do I know that? Well, the as-yet-unborn kids are the great-great-grandchildren of Jawaharlal Nehru, they are the great-grandchildren of Indira Gandhi and grandchildren of Rajiv Gandhi. What other qualifications do they need?". She added that "Our family's hold on Congress politics and the country is just like the duracell bunny. It goes on and on and on".

HRD minister Arjun Singh welcomed the statement. "This country runs in the right direction only if a scion of the Nehru Gandhi family is at the helm. The children of our future prime minister, Rahul Gandhi, are our future, twice removed".

However, party spokesperson,  Abhishek Manusingvi, when asked the same question adamantly refused to answer it and said that "I don't answer hypothetical questions". This was right after the long answer he provided to a reporter who questioned him about the policies Congress party would follow if it won the elections.

Meanwhile, after holding a press conference about the party's unflinching support for Varun Gandhi, BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad said that "This is the difference between the BJP and the Congress. The Congress is all about dynasty, whereas we support no dynasty".

Even Tamil Nadu Chief Minister MK Karunanidhi chimed in. At a function to announce candidates for the coming elections, including his three children, he said that "Dynastic politics is like a termite which is destroying Indian politics. We should put an end to it and practice real intra-party democracy". Afterwards, in conversation with party workers, he alluded to the possibility of his son, Stalin, taking over the DMK by the next election.

Rahul Gandhi's as-yet-unborn children were unavailable for comment.

SP promises to ban the 21st century

It's back to bad haircuts, kitschy clothes and writing more than 140 characters at a time.

In a bid to take away the "we'll take you back to the stone age" mantle away from the left parties, the Samajwadi Party announced in it's manifesto that if it comes to power, it will ban the 21st century.

In an interview, SP supremo, Mulayam Singh Yadav said that "Duh. We love the past. That's where we want to be. Why do you think we keep nominating Jaya Pradha, huh?"

"Look, it's not like we're totally into the past", said SP general secretary Amar Singh, "We just believe that until everyone is on the same page, the country should not advance. In our conservative estimates, by the year 2420, everyone will be miserable in equal proportions.  Until then, we can't even think about removing the ban. So you better get with the program and party like it's 1997. However, please note that it's not a ploy to bring back cargo pants. That's just a positive side-effect. Now please excuse me while I go get the dust off of my Spice Girls CD collection".

"We also wanted to ban common sense and the formality of integrity. But some issues need to be left for the next election cycle", said new SP member, Sunjay Dutt.

Hey Asshole, stop asking me to vote!

It's not like I don't want to vote. I do. In fact, I want to vote so bad that I once thought of voting for Indian Idol or one of it's clones. But then, thankfully, the next second I realized that it would involve voting for ugly, talentless karaoke singers the highlight of whose life would be a few weeks of constantly trying to impress Anu Malik. That's even worse than being the ghostwriter for George Bush's upcoming pop-up book (tentatively called "Dumbassery for Dummies") or handling PR for Osama Bin Laden.

Although, whoever is handling Osama's PR seems to be doing a pretty bang up job. That guy is huge is Afghanistan and Pakistan. Kind of like a medieval Micheal Jackson, but instead of little human children, he likes to have "fun" with goats.

So as I was saying, I'd like to vote for a candidate in the upcoming general elections. I would. But the problem is that out of the thousands of possible candidates, I can't even find one person who, in my opinion, should hold an office in our government.

Now, I remember a few months ago I was all like "Dude, you gotta vote.." and stuff, but as usual, I seemed to have flip-flopped.

It's easy to say "go out and vote", but really FOR WHOM?

Being asked to vote for the anyone in the current dispensation is like being asked to pick the talented Hilton sister. Or taking sides in the whole Brangelina-Aniston feud.

Democracy is supposed to be easy, isn't it? You vote for people who would do minimum damage to your taxes and spend the next five years regretting your decision. And then you vote for the other guy, and spend the next five years regretting your decision. And then it goes on and on, just like the Lord of the Rings.

Although our democracy is still better and more resilient than the madhouse inmates we have as neighbors. At least it pretends to give everyone a voice, even if everyone is shouting and no one can really hear each other.

What we forget is that a government is supposed to be as good as the people. So, our current government, who in a time of a global economic crisis does not even have a dedicated finance minister, is a perfect metaphor of how much we really care about the people who run our government.

We can pretend that having a bad government does not affect us, just like our board of education pretends that sex education can be imparted without actually talking about sex. We can tell ourselves that having people who have no knowledge of the nuances of foreign policy as leaders in our government does not really affect us directly, even when our leaders make a Bond villain seem like a saner choice. We can assure ourselves that we are lucky to be able to grease palms for getting things done, even for those activities which are essentially our fundamental right. After all, it is infinitely better than not being able to "afford" one's freedom.

Everytime a terrorist attack takes place in our country, we can feign helplessness, call everyone we know to find out if they are doing okay, blame the damn government and then go back to ignoring reality and voting for our favorite contestant on a reality show. I mean, c'mon, isn't Dancing with the Stars the best thing since sliced bread? And have you heard, the Bachchans and SRK are friends again? OMFG.

Unless we are part of the solution, we are also part of the problem.

The people "leading" our country are a mirror to our society. I completely agree that our leaders are supposed to be better than the swarming, bumbling, pathetic, out of touch, low life criminals having a rather large sense of entitlement we currently have.

But that's us too, isn't it?

The real question isn't whether they are better than that or not.

The real question is, are we?