Fantasy Elections and slick politicians

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

One of the most strangely popular hobbies of sports fans is to participate in a fantasy league. A fantasy league is sort of a fan’s wet dream come true. It gives them the one thing that they think will help their team win the game. If only they could choose the players! Yes, the best judge of a team’s strategy is the guy with a beer belly shouting things at the television who has never played a sport in his life.

Such sentiment is not limited to sports fans, though. There is an amateur pundit in all of us. From the day the last vote in the assembly elections was cast, to the day the counting began, the punditrati was busy playing fantasy elections. The news anchors, political analysts and party spokespeople spent three days holding discussions on hypothetical results. Though no party would accept the fact that they would do as badly as the results predicted, the harsh rhetoric of the past few months had been already forgotten and everybody was in a conciliatory mood. Old tropes were being dusted off and called into service again to sugar-coat any future cynical power grab. Each party was ready to work with their sworn opponent, ‘for the good of the people of the country.’ Ah! We are so lucky to be living in a utopia in which our politicians are so patriotic that they don’t let mere principles stand in their way.

The Congress used this time for a soft launch of ‘Operation Don’t Blame Rahul Gandhi.’ Everyone from Rita Bahugana to the ghost of Arjun Singh went around saying that if the Congress did bad in UP the blame was to solely rest on their shoulders. The BJP took turns giving dubious reasons for the absence of Narendra Modi from the campaign trail to having to explain why having 15 contenders for a single post means that everybody in the party is on the same page.

Then, as the election results came in, alliances were being built in the television studio. As the largest party in all the states staked their claim to form the government with Arnab Goswami, common sense conclusions were being presented as an ‘exclusive’ (BREAKING: Water will quench your thirst. Remember, you heard it here first!). The only narrative anyone was paying attention to was the emergence of Akhilesh Yadav as the new star of Indian politics. Since he is a blank slate in the public imagination, it’s easy to project people’s hopes and aspirations on him. He’s young! He can speak English! He uses an iPad! He caused a tectonic shift in Indian politics as the people of UP rejected a scion of a dynasty for the scion of another dynasty!

However, in six months, everyone will be asking whether Akhilesh is “losing his mojo” when he is unable to clamp down on the law and order problem in UP (because how do you clamp down on the very people whose support you need to stay in power?). And then, in 2014, when some other party gets more seats than the SP in the parliamentary election, everyone will ask whether he was “all hype and no substance.” There is no evidence to support the hypothesis that a government led by Akhilesh will be any different than a government led by his father, but who knows! Maybe Chief Minister Michael Corleone will be the one to take the family business legit. 

It was also hilarious to watch the exberts on twitter dance on the grave of Rahul Gandhi’s political career. Because in India, political careers hinge on one victory or one loss! That is why the career of a young, promising MP called Atal Behari Vajpyee was ended in 1984, when his party was routed in the election. Who knows, maybe he could have gone on to become Prime Minister! And has anybody heard from former Tamil Nadu Chief Minister J Jayalalitha after she lost two consecutive elections? I bet she is planning to go back to acting in movies right about now.

People forget that Indian politics is like the Hotel California. You can check-out any time you like but you can never leave. 

Honky, please aka if you keep beating up us Indians, who is going to tell you how to use your computer or help you cheat on your taxes?

It's open season on Indians everywhere. Since Kangaroo-fucking season is over, it's now the turn of the annual curry-bashing festival.

When the hot, bikini model was handing out invites to Indian students requesting the pleasure of their company in one of their esteemed universities where they teach high-value courses like crocodile hunting and beer guzzling, she missed to mention one teeny-tiny detail. Which was, that you might get mauled or killed if you commit the heinous crime of being brown.

Everything was going fine and no one was really bothered until the keeper of our national conscience, Arnab Goswami and Times Now, told us to GET ANGRY. That's because as a nation, we really aren't bothered about what happens to people who are not us. Hey, since there are so many of us, why to waste our time worrying about a few stray incidents? After al those people shunned their patriotic duty and did not waste their time "studying" in one of our crappy universities. Hey, if they can't get into an IIT/IIM, how good will they be? Karma is a bitch, isn't it?

And god forbid we should say anything to our government. They were just sworn in. Most of the ministers haven't even been allotted their official house in Delhi where they can keep their mistresses. Also, if you want to blame someone, blame self-proclaimed national monument, Arjun Singh and don't go pointing fingers at everyone else who enabled him. This new-old government is going to open an IIT in every city and staff them with the same government school teachers who mark their attendance by proxy and collect extra pay by giving private tuition. If they don't like government run universities, they can always get their degree in a university the government doesn't recognize. Works out for everyone, doesn't it?

And Australia? Horrifying! Who would have thought that those sweet convict descendants will not be nice to their paying houseguests?

The Australian government isn't that concerned about these incidents. C'mon, what's a few comatose students between good friends? Those race bashers are probably some kooky old skinheads who must be nostalgic for the good ole days when Australian bigotry was coded in the Australian constitution. Isn't that right, mate? No need to get all snappy.

As yoda would say, a few stray incidents here and there do not a racist nation make.

Also, mate, "curry bashing" is so retro. It sounds so 80's Britain. If you want to use a racial epithet, then get it correct. It's Macaca now. Ma-ca-ca.

Apologies to the Indian Voter

Dear Indian Voter,

I owe you a sincere apology. Till about Friday evening, I always used to think of you as a dick. Sometimes, I even wondered whether you were retarded. Or assumed that like most of the people I know, you were on crack too.

But, fortunately for you, for the first time in my life, I take my words back. (Discounting the time when I was five and my Dad made me take back what I said to a particular nosy relative even though I didn't mean too. Since I don't want to go into details, let's just say that she had never been called a word that rhymes with punt).

Knowing your penchant for pretending that human beings do not have reproductive organs, and children are born because you starve yourself to death every Monday, I safely assume that you would be outraged at being called a dick. After all, it's just like the love that dare not speak it's name.

However, can you blame me for referring to you with such an epithet? You are the same people who, just five years ago, gave the party of Prakash "I'm going to wear the same white shirt for five years no matter how much it fades" Karat SIXTY seats. And the same people who almost gave everyone a heart attack by making us think that the words "Prime Minister Mayawati" might ever be a distinct possibility. You even voted for Sukh Ram. Sukh Ram. The guy whose cleaning lady is a billionaire because she used to find unattended currency notes lying around in his house. In fact, if Sukh Ram would have been British, he would have been the Speaker of the House of Commons. But we're Indian. We should have a higher standard than a country which would let a future King marry a horse.

However, kudos to you, for voting out the "kingmakers", the "wheeler-dealers", and other kinds of pimps whose desire to "serve" you was as fake as Pakistan's intentions to take on the Taliban.

You proves that al the talking heads on TV, who call themselves Pundits are as clueless as, well, real Pandits! You even showed the middle finger to smug elitist little assholes (who are not me) masquerading as journalists. For that, yes, I do owe you an apology.

However, let's not lose sight here. We might have voted for the lesser evil, but remember it is the lesser evil. While it may not be Darth Vader, it's just as bad as Dr. No.

These are the same people who thought that giving serial dresser, Shivraj "Look at my coat, bitches" Patil the HOME ministry and giving him the responsibility to lead our national security team was a good idea. These are the same people who continue to let someone who can't even stand, shoulder the responsibility of our education. I don't know about you, but I think that it's not a good idea for someone born in the late 15 Century be our minister for Human Resource and Development. These are the same people who let part time sociopath and full time deranged individual be the administrator of public health. These are the same people who quoted the Bible, yes, the same book which Donald Rumsfield used to justify killing Iraqis, as proof against homosexuality, in a court of law. The same book which says that the earth is flat and that animal cruelty is okay because God gave animals no soul.

So let's not lose sight of what's important here. Despite what the sensex will tell you, we do have tough times ahead. We need a government which actually pushes through some much needed reforms. The new government has to choose. It can either be like the movie Juno, and be an underrated sleeper hit or it can turn out like Speed 2, which although had so much potential, was a bigger disaster than the movie depicted.

However, until then, let's just gloat about the fact that the Indian voter put an economist into the most powerful office in the country. Even if he doesn't wield that much power. 

What? Do you think a "game-changing" election means newer jokes?

Now that's funny!

Headlines

I am a loyalist and not a sycophant, says Arjun Singh

I'm glad that got cleared up. This actually means that he's not an ass-kissing fucked-in-the-head out of touch with the world crazy lunatic instead he is just a plain old regularly crazy Gandhiphle suffering from foot-in-the-mouth disease who regularly finds his own head buried inside his ass.

Lalu can do chhat puja, I too will attend it: CM Deshmukh

Aww!! So big of you Mr CM Sir. Isn't it nice? You and Lalu can make love while the rest of the North Indians keep getting beaten up by MNS and Shiv Sena goons. How very big of you, Mr Chief Minister. In fact, this is the biggest Mussharfesque gesture ever. And it so doesn't hurt that Lalu is kinda in alliance with your party. Such good buddies, no?

Sena's latest target: Mumbai-Bombay tug of war

Shiv Saniks went around BOMBAY yesterday blackening all signboards of establishments which used BOMBAY in their company name instead of it's Marathi replacement. Therefore, anything with BOMBAY written on it got blackened and was replaced by (insert marathi word for BOMBAY). So all we want to say to that is BOMBAY BOMBAY BOMBAY BOMBAY BOMBAY BOMBAY. BOMBAY CITY ...... Maybe I got up so early that it was the 90's again? It's not enough that the city has gotten it's name changed. Pretty soon people would need to get 'Mumbai' (BOMBAY) tattooed on their ass. And one last time, everyone together, BOMBAY. Good. *pats readers back in a friendly gesture*


Khali calls on Shah Rukh Khan at 'Mannat'

Wow. First the President. Now SRK. This guy is doing rounds of the who's who of the country. Once he meets IK Gujral, this guy will have met the trifecta of power in this country.
It might also be possible that SRK can be protecting his IPL team by asking Khali to guard them against Harbhajan Singh?
And what makes this guy the next Indra Nooyi?

Mallaya mauls 'boss' Dravid

Vijay Mallya is sad at his team's bad performance. He blames Dravid and Charu Sharma. Hopefully, the string of defeats do not drive Mallaya crazy and he spends all his money on women and alcohol. I hate when that happens.

Kalam says that by 2020 India Will Be The Best Place On Earth

Alright. Can someone please tell me what this guy has been smoking? I think he needs to stop hanging out with Rahul Mahajan now. Or maybe stop seeing Arjun Singh's doctor?

Loose Ends 4.0

So Barack Obama is getting as much bad press as Hillary Clinton. Needless to say, he is bitter.

Obama's favorite tongue twister:

Betty bought a bit of butter ... The bit of butter was bitter ....

Yesterday, Obama received an endorsement from Bruce Springsteen. When quizzed about it, voters in Pennsylvania said "We're still waiting to hear from Sanjaya".

Hillary Clinton labeled Obama as an elitist due to his "bitter" remarks. She made this statement while on her way to a $50,000 per plate fundraiser.

Meanwhile, John McCain called the people in Wall Street "greedy". Although he did add "...unless you're a republican. In that case you are just ambitious."
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So George Bush went to receive the Pope at the airport. When asked about it, the president said that "He really wanted to meet the guy they named those eggs after".

There was this moment of awkwardness when Bush asked the pope about the wife and kids.

It was good that President Bush took time out from his busy schedule to pick up the Pope from the airport. I mean even though it's the fag end of his term, he keeps himself busy. I mean, the 24 set DVD set containing all the seasons of are you smarter than a fifth grader are not going to watch themselves.

Of course, when you think about it, Bush and the Pope have so much in common. One is a strict religious man with empty beliefs with continuing decrease in popularity and the other is the pope.

When the president and the pope came face to face with the protesters, the protesters got confused. They didn't know whom they hated more.

When the Pope landed in New York city, he said that he wanted to see all the sites in New York, like central park, the museum of natural history and Donald Trump's hair.

The Pope gave a very emphatic speech about the temptations of the flesh and the sanctity of marriage. And that was just to the Governor of New York!!

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Snoop Dogg is now coming out with books for little children. The following titles are scheduled to be released:

(a) Cinderella's Fella
(b) Hump Gretel
(c) Horton's ho'
(d) Snowhite blows the seven dwarfs

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Arjun Singh was recently hit on the knuckles by her highness for suggesting that the regent Dr Singh make way for the crown prince, Rahul Gandhi. Me thinks it's time to send old yeller to the farm. Or in this case, make him a governor.

Arjun Singh does not talk to his wife much. She's very reserved.

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