Barack the Vote, America

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

In a couple of days, when a majority of Americans get in line to vote for the next President, it would behove them well to remember 15 September, 2008, the day when Lehman brothers filed for bankruptcy and bought the global financial system to the brink of collapse, while the Bush Administration did nothing; or maybe 29 August, 2005 when Hurricane Katrina flooded the town of New Orleans causing extraordinary damage to both life and property while the Bush Administration did nothing; or maybe 1 May 2003, when President Bush gave a staged speech on a navy vessel declaring the end of the Iraq war with a ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner in the background; or maybe even back to 6 August, 2001 when during his daily ‘presidential brief’, Bush was presented with a classified document titled ‘Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.’, a warning that subsequent events revealed wasn’t heeded. 

Earlier this year, during the Republican National Convention, as Mitt Romney accepted the nomination for President, the crowd applauded tepidly. The convention didn’t look like a meeting of happy party members enthusiastically nominating a Presidential candidate. It appeared to be more like a Klan meeting. An auditorium filled with resentful people who were angry at the world for moving on and leaving them behind. A whole swathe of people with low I.Q’s yearning for a past which only exists in their head. A political party whose members had resigned from reality and were more than happy to live in the bubble where they felt safe and happy. Just like their guns, you’d have to take their bigotry, ignorance and fear from their cold, dead hands.

In the movie Game Change, Ed Harris’s John McCain warns Julian Moore’s Sarah Palin of letting the extreme wing of the Republican party co-opt her. Holy Foreshadowing, Batman! Because that’s exactly what happened. Not only did she become the uncrowned leader of the extreme wing of her party, she became its mascot. Yes, the party of Lincoln and Eisenhower is now the party of a reality teevee star who denies climate change, hates gay people, has nothing but contempt for anyone who has read any other book besides the bible and thinks Barack Obama is an Islamist Atheist Communist Terrorist-hugger. (They can’t even reconcile to the fact that a single person cannot be all these things at the same time.)

In the Republican bubble, the guy who ordered the kill on Bin Laden and drops bombs on terrorists using his killer flying robots everyday is soft on terrorism. In the Republican bubble, the guy who saved the American auto-industry from receding into oblivion and saved the global economy from collapse is hurting economic growth. In the Republican bubble, not constantly wanting to bomb every country in the world in alphabetical order is ‘going on an apology tour.’ In the Republican bubble, a person whose life has been investigated, examined and analyzed to such an extent that even his letters to his college girlfriend have been made public still remains ‘unvetted.’  In the Republican bubble, passing a healthcare law that has eluded five previous Presidents and is based on a successful law enacted by a Republican Governor is the sort of tyranny last seen during the Third Reich. (Oh, and by the way, the healthcare law was the only achievement of a one-term Governor known as Mitt Romney. Wonder what happened to that guy!)

When Mitt Romney first started running for office back in 1994, he pretended to be more liberal than his opponent, Edward Kennedy. He pretended to be a pro-choice, gay rights advocating, independent minded, moderate Republican. Even though he lost, he used the same shtick to become Governor in 2002. However, by the time he had started running for President in 2005 moderate Republicans were an endangered species. By 2011, when he announced his second run, moderate Republicans had become an urban myth, like unicorns or a person from Bangalore who doesn’t constantly talk about the weather. So post-2011 Mitt Romney became a ‘severely’ conservative candidate who wants to ban abortion & gay marriage, repeal the healthcare law and cut taxes for the mega-rich. Now he was for deporting undocumented immigrants, building a large fence on the border with Mexico, constantly hugging Israel and denying the existence of global warming. However, since we live in the era of YouTube, for every position taken by conservative Mitt Romney, there is a video of moderate Mitt Romney advocating for the opposing side. Even chameleons escaping a garden full of predators change colour less often.

Romney’s stated foreign policy goals are too unrealistic even for a Tom Clancy novel. He wants to start a trade-war with China and has been constantly talking about bombing Iran to prevent them from making a nuclear weapon. However, during the foreign policy debate with Obama he jettisoned all the previous positions he held and basically took the stance that he’d have the same foreign policy as Obama except he’d be more racist.

Not that Obama is a President who metaphorically walks on water. He’s made more than his share of mistakes and hasn’t been able to deliver on some of his campaign promises. He hasn’t been able to close Guantanamo Bay, his stance on drug use is purely political and he has expanded the Imperial Presidency. Yet, with him you know where he stands on most of the issues. And he doesn’t falter from doing the right thing just because it comes with a political cost. Mitt Romney is a shape-shifter who tries to fit into whatever mould he imagines you want him to.

The world is still recovering from the after-shocks of the last Republican presidency.

Let’s hope America doesn’t saddle us with another.

Only Sarah Palin knows what it takes to win something

via Salon:

"We miss Ronald Reagan, who used to say, when he would look at our enemies, he would say: 'No. You lose. We win.' That's what we miss. And that is what we have to get back to."
                                                        
                                                                          -  Sarah Palin

Insane clown Barbie is right. To win anything, all you have to do is look at your opponent, tell them that you win, and viola, YOU HAVE WON!

Holy Magic beans, batman!

If only this woman had been manufactured when I was in school.

Or maybe I can do this retroactively?

Yes, I can!

So here goes:

Listen up, all you people I was in school with, I WON ALL THE COMEPETONS! EVEN THE SPELLLLING B!

Suck it, nerds!

The future is finally here: Scientifically accurate predictions for the next awful ten years of your life

Even though the jury is still out on whether this is technically the start of the new decade or not, we are simply going to ignore all that and just like the mainstream media do whatever the hell we want to. Since everyone and their mother have summed up the last decade in hundreds of nauseating ways, we thought that we would channel the dead spirit of nostradamus (and the people who were pretty darn sure that Iraq had WMD's) and just like them, based on absolutely nothing, come with predictions which might or might not be true. Who really knows or cares because isn't everything printed on the internets the gospel truth?

The decade will start by forcing everyone who wants to travel in an airplane to basically travel nude because some dipshit who got tired of scamming people by pretending to be the son of a deposed prince and then wanted to blow up his crotch to prove a point which no one really knows (or as Joe Liberman put it, 'preemptive War on any Muslim sounding country'). Since no luggage will be provided, airlines will try to recoup their losses by charging people with large body parts more money under 'extra baggage'. Emo kids and reality teevee stars will also be asked to pay double, due to their large amount of emotional baggage.

If no celebrities will die then Larry king will get Nancy Regan to séance with Michael Jackson's ghost in which he will finally confess to being a white catholic Republican lady in disguise. This will ensure that Jebus forgives all his 'alleged' child-porn sins.

The oracle of hope, President Obama, will win the 2012 election by default because Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin will end up inadvertently shooting each other in their Last Hunter Standing match at Wrestlemania, which would be held to decide the nomination for the Republican candidate.

The green movement in Iran will finally win their fight for electoral reform. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will escape to America where he will be hired as a contributor to Fox News wherein his only task would be to appear on the screen for five minutes during the Glenn Beck show and make scary faces while continuously shouting "Death to Diet Bagels".

Sometime during the decade, Arnab Goswami will get tired of shouting at the camera and decide to take matters into his own hand and will invade Pakistan along with Farook Dhondy and Suhel Seth.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari will gay-marry Hussain Sharrif so that their love-child, Benazir Bilawal Asif Nawaz Hussain Zardari Bhutto Sharif, will become the youngest President of Pakistan.

Manmohan Singh will cite 'health grounds' and Jayanti Natrajan's body odour in his resignation letter to future astronaut and current President, Prathibha Patil, which will pave the way for Rahul Gandhi to become Prime Minister of both the India's, the 'real one' (which only exists in Madhur Bhandarkar movies) and the 'fake one' (which only exists in Karan Johar movies).

96 year old ND Tiwari will become the Governor of India's 137th state, which will solely consist of all the children he has 'allegedly' illegally sired over these years. He will continue to have orgies in the Governor's mansion.

However, all the screwing will stop when Narendra Modi and his merry band of non-voting NRI's, who will make it compulsory for everyone to vote for them, take over and no one will ever have sex in India ever again.

Have a great decade, people! If this doesn't make you look forward to it, I don't know what will.

Dr. Singh goes to Washington

Even though Prime Minister Singh and Mrs Kaur would have rather stayed at home with the Obamas and enjoy Michelle's world-famous Pecan Pie after playing a game of charades, President Obama threw together a fancy-schmancy dinner party for the leader of the ghee world along with 400 other distinguished guests and Joe Biden.

The toast given by both were short and sweet. Obama quoted Nehru and Singh quoted Lincoln. Even though everyone knew that both of them got some underpaid assistant to copy that from Wikipedia, both were applauded for their knowledge of each other's culture. Although, Obama won this competition because he welcomed everybody in hindi. And you know how we macacaz simply go all crazy when someone foreign speaks in one of our languages. You could almost hear the Prime Minister mumbling in his head "Oh Barack, you complete me!!".

After the speeches were over the guests dug into scrumptious potato and eggplant salad (ugh) and roasted potato dumplings in tomato chutney (double ugh. Although, CHUTNEY!). There was this weird moment when they announced that they would be serving Pumpkin Pie Tart which made everyone look towards the stage because they thought it was the cue for Sarah Palin to do some dramatic reading from her new book which has replaced the bible as the biggest selling book of all time. Which did not happen because Sarah Palin went rogue and was stuffing her face with good ol' American turkey in some good ol' city in the "real" America. No self-respecting hockey mom would be caught dead in a elitist state dinner full of stuffy east coast liberals eating hippie food like chickpeas and okra.

Everyone was dressed in their elegant best and supposedly the flower arrangements around the tables were a homage to the Indian peacock. Which begs the question, what happened to the Indian peacock?

The guests were an eclectic mix of people from the fields of politics, business and entertainment, none of whom would be caught dead in a reality show.

There were many Indian-Americans and Indian-Indians among the guests. There was Obama's weed czar, Kal "Kumar" Penn, America's favourite sweetheart surgeon Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Louisiana Governor and spelling bee champion Bobby Jindal, who was regaling everyone with his unintentional impression of Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock. While Fareed Zakaria and Rajiv Chandershakeran were making Zardari jokes, Ratan Tata and Mukesh Ambani were probably eyeing each other suspiciously. Also spotted was Jhumpa Lahri, making furious notes on a napkin about a new story in which the son of a Bengali immigrant in America gets elected to the highest office in the world,  as the host of the Oprah Winfrey show.  Nobel laureate Amratya Sen was heard explaining his idea of justice for millions of downtrodden people to Deepak Chopra. Deepak then explained to Amratya that  hunger is a man-made desire which can easily be overcome by subscribing to the new (& improved) patented personal program, The Deepak Chopra 12 New Yoga Positions to Eliminate Hunger. M. Night Shayamalam and his wife were eating the PB & J sandwiches they brought from home because Night doesn't trust anyone. Anyone. Airtel honcho Sunil Mittal was seen going out of the tent to take a call, because his phone wasn't getting any signals inside. He then kept asking the caller whether they could hear him now! Steven Spielberg, who is now an honorary Indian-American because he is property of Anil Ambani, was also there, probably discussing with Pepsi honcho Indira Nooyi about making a bi-lingual biopic about her life.

There were also a lot of distinguished American-Americans present at the dinner. There was Colin Powell, telling anyone who would lend him an ear about how he was tricked into lying at the UN. All three of the Pelosis were also in attendance. Nancy, Paul and Nancy's face were just like a family. Uber-producer David Geffen was also there, with his partner, Jeffery Katzenberg. Although Mrs. Kaur kept referring to Jeffery as David's "roommate", accompanied by a wink. And since Oprah could not make it, she sent her "roommate" *wink, wink*, Gayle King.

It was not all fun & games. There was also important state business conducted at the dinner. Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was heard teaching National Security Advisor MK Narayanan on how to intimidate your subordinates by alternating between starving them and calling them MoFo's. External affairs minister SM Krishna and Secretary Clinton both agreed that if newly sworn in Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai wants to be taken seriously, he has to ditch that damn Harlem pimp coat he never leaves home without.

The entertainment was provided by Jennifer Hudson and AR Rahman, among others. Adam Lambert's appearance was cancelled at the last minute because having more then two gay people in attendance would alienate one of Obama's core constituency, rednecks & retards.

It was a fun evening for those attending although some people were disappointed that Katie Couric didn't get drunk enough to start doing her thang. There was just one awkward moment when Joe Biden asked Prime Minister Singh to help him with those pesky pop-ups he gets everytime he tries to send an email. To shut Joe up, President Obama kneed him on the "Bidens" and he was taken away by the secret service to be put back into his cage. Obama then reassured a visibly shaken Dr. Singh not to worry because that was just Joe being Joe.

As they say, all's well that ends with Joe Biden shooting his mouth.

 

State Dinner Menu [Gawker]
State Dinner Guest list [HuffPo]
Manmohan/Obama toast [HuffPo]

Photo Credit: The Daily Beast

If only Julia Roberts could fight terrorism, we would be okay

The opening paragraph of this 'report' is the most awesome description of why things in our country are so fucked up. [Rediff Movies]

Pakistan puts Hafiz Saeed 'in custody'. They will let us know what that means once they figure it out themselves. Meanwhile, intelligence sources told us that Saeed is still allowed to order his favourite biryani pizza from Dominos, everyday. So much for austerity. [HT]

After successfully ruining some dude's life by getting him to impregnate Rakhi Sawant with an alien child, the producers of NDTV Un-Imagine have decided to find a child bride for famewhore Rahul Mahajan. Mahajan's ideal partner should have long hair, believe in traditional values, be able to change adult diapers and have both male and female reproductive organs. [NDTV Movies]

Sonia Gandhi asks Shashi Tharoor to write "I will not twitter during class" a hundred times, using a Mont Blanc ink pen. This will also go into Tharoor's permanent record and might hinder his getting admission into a good college. [The Hindu]

Sarah Palin will address fund managers in Hong Kong because those douchebags have too much money and they thought that instead of a real person they would just hire a hockey mom who winks a lot. After she gives her 'speech', she will give each attendee a free copy of the      straight-to-dvd movie Knocked Up: The Bristol Palin story. Then, she will go sightseeing to the 'Americatown' part of Hong Kong. [Bloomberg]

The Union Home Minister says that Delhiites need to change their behavioural pattern and need to learn to respect the rules. Phooey! That's such false propaganda. Delhiites respect the law, we just tend not to follow it on rare occasions. Like I jumped only two red lights today. Okay, it was five. But I had a good reason for it. I was late for happy hour. Fine, whatever. By the way, someone needs to tell the minister that the biggest lawbreakers in Delhi are those guys he sits with in that Lok Sabha thing where he and his peers do that thing they do. As I said, whatever.[TOI]

If we didn't have Jackie Shroff movies, there would be no point of reference to use for comparison with terrible things

The leaner and meaner version of the UPA has completed 100 days into it's second term. Coincidently, it's performance is as bad as the 1991 movie, 100 Days. The last time I saw such bad results, I was looking at my Class 12 marksheet. [Indian Express]

The Australian deputy Prime Minister tries her best to convince weary Indians that Australia is a safe and welcoming place, just like Sarah Palin's womb. [TOI]

Arjun Rampal opens a restaurant in Delhi. In honour of its owner, the restaurant will serve just one type of cocktail and everything on the menu will be overcooked and will taste the same. [IBN Live]

Trillions of dollars of ill-gotten money, which rightly belongs to the Indian government, lies in limbo in Swiss Banks because most of the shady characters who have been killed by Inspector Vijay failed to mention to their kith and kin that they might have terribly large sums of money hidden safely in their uber-evil Swiss bank accounts. In fact, if we could get back all that money, we could build so many statues that a certain Chief Minister's head would explode. [The Hindu]

A magazine in Germany came up with a fake "Michael Jackson is alive" video and posted it on the web. Minutes later the video went viral and everybody was convinced that MJ was part of the undead, much like the Zombie he portrayed in his Thriller video. Turns out, they just wanted to prove that people will believe anything. My theory is that MJ is still alive and has been recruited by the secret shadow Kenyan crime syndicate which planned Obama's socialist presidency about 50 years ago. There, I said it, no matter what personal price I have to pay. FYI, if I suddenly disappear, you know who to blame. [CNN]

Disney Inc. has just bought Marvel Comics. I'm not saying that this will ruin marvel comics, but in the sequel to this year's Wolverine, the self-healing mutant of Canadian-origin spends the first half of the movie trying to find Donald Duck's pants. [NYT]

They have got to come up with a better naming system for hurricanes. I mean, Hurricane Jimena? Are you fucking kidding me? That doesn't sound scary enough. It sounds less like an intense storm and more like what happens to your stomach after you happen to "accidentally" overeat at Taco Bell. [LA Times]

Indian Government thinks that babies are delivered by storks and Dr Hymen visits Madhya Pradesh

Our national government is hard at work these days. Since taking charge a little over a month ago, our government has been busy protecting the citizens of this country.

For example, after spending thousands and thousands of hours of  manpower reviewing the evidence, your pro-people government has decided to go ahead and ban the Indian cartoon porn site, Savita Bhabi.

For those in the corridors of power, however, Savita’s promiscuity was no laughing matter. Last month the Government ordered internet service providers to block the site. To do so it evoked section 67 of the Information Technology Act. The law allows the Government to ban websites that threaten “the sovereignty or integrity of India, defence and security of the state” or that endanger “friendly relations with foreign states”.

In other words, the government thinks a cartoon porn site is a threat to our national security. Gee, I wonder who the cartoon really is.

Now, admittedly, I don't care for the existence of that site. Not because I am not cheap and trashy, but because cartoon porn does not interest me. Therefore I am not one of the "60 million sexually repressed" Indians who visit the website every month for their sexual catharsis.

What I want to know is why is the government policing the internet? The government is not supposed to "parent" the country.

No. That's the job for the anchors at Times Now.

Isn't it great that the people in our government have finally figured out this internet thing everyone keeps talking about? And now that they have banned the ungodly Savita Bhabi website, which obviously has NO way of being accessed through an alternate source, this will finally put an end to pornography on the internet.

Jai Ho, indeed.

_______________

Have you been looking around and realizing that the number of people around you is growing at an exponentially large rate? Have you ever wondered if the government is going to take a few steps to curb the population growth? Well, don't fear, cause Ghulam Nabi Azad is here:

Marry late and have children even later, is Union Health Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad’s mantra to control population.

Azad was speaking at a function to commemorate ‘World Population Day’, the day India’s population crossed 1.17 billion.

Couples from backward areas, who had opted to marry after turning 18, were awarded by the health ministry at the function

 

After reading the above extract, my mind fills with a million questions. First of them is, Why the fuck are we commemorating "World Population Day"? Is the human race on the brink of extinction? Do we not have enough people in this country?

In a country's history, a time comes when the the whole nation and it's people need to sit back for a moment and reflect. Such a time has come for our country. When we can have more than a thousand people who are ready to enter married "bliss" with Rakhi Savant, it should give everyone a little pause. What happened? What really went wrong? What caused such a tragic turn of events? Why do people have such low self-esteem? Where are we heading as a nation? My point is, don't we have enough people already? Why do we need to COMMEMORATE one of our nation's biggest failures? What's next? The child-marriage weekend extravaganza? A new reality show called I'm a farmer, get me out of here which documents the plights of poor farmers who end up killing themselves? Why not have a bi-annual weekly festival commemorating corrupt politicians?

Another question I have is about the brilliant suggestion given by the health minister. Asking people to get married at thirty. It's a WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL idea in a country which is OBSESSED with marriage. I'm sure hearing the honourable minister make such a dispassionate appeal about getting married at thirty will change the minds of millions of people who get their pre-pubescent teenage children married to someone else's pre-pubescent teenage children.

Okay, do you have any other ideas, Mr Minister, which will help to slow down the population explosion?

Ghulam Nabi Azad, the Health and Family Welfare Minister, has called for the country to redouble its efforts to bring electricity to all of its huge rural population.

The introduction of the electric light and television sets to those vast areas that still did not have them would discourage procreation, he argued.

“If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children,” Mr Azad said. “When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies.”

 

Is it written in the constitution that the country's health minister has to be a DERANGED and DELLUSIONAL individual? Why are our health ministers mentally so UNHEALTHY?

_________________

However, the MP government is spending taxpayer's money to literally fell up it's constituents. No, kidding.

All 151 girls who participated in a mass wedding conducted by the Madhya Pradesh government on June 26 were forced to undergo virginity tests before doing so.

The mass wedding in Shahdol, 600 km east of Bhopal, was part of a welfare measure, the Mukhyamantri Kanyadaan Yojna (Chief Minister’s ‘giving away the bride’ programme) begun by the state in April 2006. Under it, single adult women from poor families – be they unmarried, widowed, divorced or abandoned – who have found themselves prospective spouses but cannot afford the wedding expenses, are married off in groups and paid a fixed sum of Rs 6500 as well.

 

Why is the government of Madhya Pradesh giving away brides? Did the people elect the owner of Shaddi.com as their chief minister? What exactly happened there? Who comes up with such ideas?

There is more:

“At first I refused to go through the test,” said a Baiga tribal girl, who was among the brides at Shahdol, but who does not want to be identified. “But an officer told me I would not be allowed inside the marriage hall unless the gynaecologist declared me eligible. And the only way I could be eligible was by going through the test.”

“The gynecologist [sic] manually examined,” she added.

I think the reporter writing this news item has never heard of a little handy tool called spellcheck!

As usual, this is not even the worst part of the news. There is still a little more:

“I’ve ordered an enquiry,” Neeraj Dubey, Shahdol district collector told HT. But his sympathies were clear. “The test was a precautionary measure,” he added. “Last year one of the brides delivered a baby even as the marriage ceremony was on. Since there is money involved, many women, try to take advantage.”

The programme [sic] been allocated a Rs 25 crore budget this year. In three years, 88,460 such marriages have been solemnized in different districts of the state.

 

This is the worst vetting process EVER. Even the McCain campaign, which cleared clusterfuck Governor Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from becoming the leader of the free world, had a better vetting process.

And if you're spending Rs. 25 crores, it is advisable to come up with a better method of investigating the intentions of the participants than HAVING A GYNACOLOGIST SEARCH FOR BROKEN HYMENS. ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?

Also, I'm guessing that none of these brides were over 30. Where was the health minister?

Oh yes, he was busy COMMEMORATING the country's population.

 

 

I think I need to fill out my Prozac prescription right about now.

Later, then.

 

 

 

 

Savita Bhabhi cartoon porn website blocked by Indian security law [Times UK]
Ghulam Nabi Azad says late-night TV will help slow India’s birth rate [Times UK]
Govt holds virginity test for MP brides [HT]
Azad favours late marriages to curb population growth[HT]

Sarah Palin quits as Governor to make her children mooseburgers for breakfast everyday

While all of you on this side of the pacific were spending your weekend having the kind of sex which would anger the Pope and might still be illegal in 27 states, the world was watching, with bemused horror, how the hockey Mom from Alaska used a baseball analogy to resign from her "job" as Governor of Alaska.

She did that because she wanted to make a real difference.  Because being chief executive of a state is really not the place to make real policy difference.

That's not even the crazy part.

 

 

Basically, she says that since she's not a quitter, she's quitting so that she could better help the state she is currently the chief executive for. And even that's not the crazy part.

Her speech (literally from the horse's mouth) consists of 18 exclamation marks and still does not have an actual point. However, my favourite part of the speech is this:

May we all learn from them!

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska.

Oh Sarah, you truly are the bestest. This woman makes the fourth-grade level speeches George Bush gave seem kinda Presidential.

Now, people throw around the word "victim" a lot. (Specially those people who read books about neo-spirituality and act all happy and shit really early in the morning. I mean, WTF is wrong with you crazy fucks?) However, if there was anybody who could be used as the poster child for being a "victim", then it is the Wicked Witch of Wasilla, Sarah Palin. has made a career of playing victim. Whether it is feuding with David Letterman over a silly joke or blaming Barack Obama for bloggers who are allegedly badmouthing her, she plays victim to the tee. This woman exemplifies the present day conservative movement in America. The take-no-responsibility for your actions, find a straw man to blame for all the mistakes you make, make fun of people who read anything other than the bible, deny global warming crowd. This is the kind of people who define conservatism today. The holier-than-thou sanctimonious idiots who blame hurricanes on everything from abortion to same-sex unions. These people are so further away from the truth, that one imagines which planet they really inhabit.

The GILF has now quit every elected office that she has held, including previously when she was mayor and when she was resigned as a member of the Alaska Oil and Gas commission to run for Lt. Governor. She and her supporters like to romanticize actions like this by saying that she is a "maverick". Looks like being a maverick in the republican playbook means quitting. Even the original GOP maverick, John McCain, "suspended" his campaign to handle a "crisis".

It takes a lot to be the looniest Governor in a party which has such thought leaders like Mark Sanford and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Never mind that most of the recent attacks on her have been from people in her own party, she nevertheless didn't falter in blaming the liberal media and democratic "writers" for her decreased job satisfaction, the wolf-hunter is now going to sue everybody on the internet who tries to expose her lack of any ethics or any live brain cells. Yes, because to get people to stop talking about something, you ask your cheap-ass lawyer to threaten them. (Please see everbody else who tried that before you to see how that usually works out.)

There are many competing theories as to why did she go all mavericky and quit in such a hastily called press conference. The only thing anyone is sure of is that the train wreck called Sarah Palin is just getting started and that there is so much more to come.

It might have come from Wassila, but it's not going back there any time soon.

You betcha!

Obama sends message to Indian Prime Minister by writing it on Papyrus with a really big Quill

Six weeks ago, a group of brave men and women dressed like men set sail from the New York Harbour. The purpose of this important, difficult and treacherous voyage was to find and reach the East Indies and deliver a letter to the leader of the people of the East Indies. Not just any letter. A letter from the President of the United States of America. The letter contained a message of peace and was written with the purpose of establishing a treaty of cooperation and friendship between the two countries.

The brave crew of the ship, three of whom were thrown overboard by a white supremacist from the continent of Australia who then himself died of gonorrhoea, dodged thunderstorms, hunger, even fought off pirates who were led by a clever man called Jack Sparrow and finally arrived at their destination a week ago. From the coast they were flown into the capital city by a genie and his magic carpet. They sought an audience with Queen Sonia. They were granted an audience with the Queen's Prime Minister, who met the emissaries of the American President at high noon and they handed over the handwritten letter to him. In return, the Prime Minister gave them an aphrodisiac made from the blood of seven dragons and an instruction guide on yoga written by one a member of the Rajasthan Royal family, Shilpam Shetty, to be presented to the President upon their return. As local officials explained to them, that is how the people of the East Indies start a friendship.

The merry band of visitors even crossed the bridge of dangerous serpents and went to meet scary old Uncle Grumpus.

___________

Okay, I might have exaggerated a little, but c'mon. Really, Mr President? A letter?

How very Nehru of you!

Are you telling us that the recession has hit the United States so bad that you can't even afford an international fax anymore? Are you telling us that instead of Harrison Ford's plane from Air Force One, you now use Harrison Ford's plane from Six Days Seven Nights?

What's wrong with you, Barry?

I would have gone on, but government officials in my country send each other telegrams. What can a brother do?

(Okay, that's the last time I link to that post.)

(On second thoughts, maybe not. It just never gets old.)

___________

By the way, Obama may keep on saying that India is a "crucial" ally and everything, but I'm sensing that he's sort of bluffing.

I think I know why.

He might have called customer support for his computer one time and  he must have faced this:

Thank you for calling ***** *****. All of our operators are currently serving other customers. Please stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
Thank you for holding. Please continue to hold.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Your call is the next call in the queue.
[Irritating midi tone of "Summer of '69"]
We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
This call maybe recorded for quality control purposes.

 

And then when he finally reached a customer service representative, the guy took his details, put poor Barry on hold for another half hour and then told him that he needs to buy a new computer.

I'll tell you the same thing I told a kid whose bike I ran over: Shit happens, get over it.

Just be glad that this didn't happen to you.

___________

Maybe Obama might have been pissed at a few members of the Indian establishment who were pulling for John McCain.

Hey, Mr President. We can't help it. We're Indians. We like old people. In fact, we hate young people so much that we don't even listen to anything they say until they grow old and shrivelled.

Also, we only liked George W Bush because he spoke his own version of English, just like us. Pinkie swear.

And some people were pulling for McCain because they thought that if McCain won, then both he and Manmohan Singh can go for a prostate exam together. Those things are really hard and it's comforting to have a friend take it along with you.

Also, the Palins with their hundred kids and knocked up daughter kind of reminds us of the families portrayed on our television. Tee Hee.

 

However, please remember that there were some of us who were on your side.

 

Does that help?

When pageant contestants attack

The most folksy Governor in the world and former Miss Alaska second runner-up, Sarah Palin, is getting a $11 Million book deal. That's even more than the advance Hillary Clinton got for her memories.

So let me get this straight, you lose an election, you don't know basic geography, you wink at little children and scar them for life, become a leader of the know-nothings and viola, EVERYONE wants to pay top dollar for your book.

A question for all pregnant couples right now: Is this the world you want to bring your child up in?

[For more information, click here and here]

Now, ghost written books aside, all you law students out there get ready for the next big case that is going to take America and the rest of the world by storm. Move over OJ Simpson, you're not even a blot on the surface of this bandwagon.

Eighty years from now, when you're living in a make-shift cave like structure because nature finally decided to be pissed of enough at the human race because of global warming, you can warm your freezing family which is dying of hunger by telling them that YOU were alive and were able to bear witness to HISTORY.

Presenting the case of the millennium:

Sarah Palin v CrackHo.com

[For more information click here and here]

This shit just writes itself.

If this doesn't make Ms. Palin the frontrunner of the Republican Presidential nomination for 2012, I don't know what will.

The defense rests, your honour.

The fuck it does!

***

Speaking of beauty queens who won't go away, the world's most prejudiced fake boobs, Miss CA Carrie Prejean, has been pardon by the most self-serving set of hair, Donald Trump, for being a bigoted ignoramus.

[Gawker has more info]

Keith Olberman sums up nicely what the rest of us want to say.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Pakistani President to share home with Taliban

By our correspondent for affairs of crazy-ass countries

ISLAMABAD, April 26: Today, the Pakistani President, Asif Ali Zardari declared that he would hand over the keys to one half of his Presidential palace to the leader of the Pakistani Taliban, Mullah Sakbk Omar.

He said that just by giving him two out of three floors of his living quarters does not mean that he is surrendering. "On the contrary, they now seemed settled and are quite enjoying themselves. Why, just yesterday I saw them shooting at, what used to be, my plasma TV. I had to convince them not to feed my laptop to their goats by showing them my large collection of Sarah Palin photos. Although, that angered them and they have asked me not to come down to their quarters anymore otherwise they will kill me. Small compromise. That's what relationships are about, aren't they? So now I get myself airlifted everytime I need to leave the palace. After all, the army and the air force is not doing much these days. So I might as well put them to some use".

The United States government and members of the European Union warned that the Pakistani government is abdicating it's responsibility to it's people by ceding more and more territory to the Taliban.

Senior Pakistani government officials dismissed the warnings of the international community as paranoia. Bilawal Zardari, son of slain former Prime Minister Bhutto and Presidnt Zardari, said that the Pakistani government is standing by it's people. "They might stand by and watch them getting flogged, looted and raped, but at least they are there for them. As I learned at Oxford, it's the thought that counts".

He was then seen providing PM Geelani with details on the types of food his pet Chihuahua is allergic too. Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Quereshi was dispatched with a brown bag to take Bilawal's "little angel" for a walk around Islamabad. 

Say it isn't so, Bo

This is just not fair, Mr President-Elect. You just sucked the fun out of Presidential press conferences. You did not fumble when you spoke, you did not invent any new words, your short speech did not sound like something an awkward fourth-grader would say. The words you used had the G's at the end intact. You pronounced nuclear as, nuclear. Hell, you even completed your sentences.

In fact, you appeared to know your shit. You have nuanced positions on certain issues, for crying out loud.

This is completely unacceptable and has to change. Look, we cheered for you. Kenya had an orgasm when you won. The British dropped their plate of spotted dick (it's a food item, you pervert) as soon as they heard. The Chinese opened up some lead-infested dog food to feed some of it's rural workers, in your honor. A few Russians stopped hitting their wives for a while to see CNN declare you the winner over that 200 year old man and that professional infomercial saleswoman.

So, you need to give us our comic relief.

Look, for the past eight years, it has been easy for the rest of the world to see your current President and feel good about ourselves. No matter how fucked up our own leaders were, just having them stand next to that dumb fuck from Texas made them appear statesmen-like. Americans felt inadequate and apologetic whenever they were overseas. We had a good laugh at them, even though orphans in our countries were dying. I mean, who cares about the poor when you have the so called leader of the free world cannot say anything coherent?

You had to win and ruin it all. Thanks to you, being intelligent is cool again. When you held that press conference, it was like listening to adults have a serious and constructive conversation. Where is the fun in that?

Damn you, Mr President-Elect.

I don't speak for everybody, but some of us are going to miss President Numb Nuts.

Although, my third eye tell me that there is someone on the horizon who is going to make things right again. You betcha!!

Loose ends

Thursday was the big debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Although pundits called the debate a draw, Sarah Palin proved to the world that she is ready to lead. Ready to lead the next season of Sesame Street.

I'm not saying she was bad at the debate, but her brother, the teacher of a third grade class in an elementary school in Alaska, gave her an "F".

Closer home, the Tata's moved their Nano project from Singur, thanks to the protests led by Ms Mamta Baneerjee. In fact, while the Tata's are welcomed to other states with a red carpet of cheap real estate and tax cuts, Ms Banerjee still remains in a state of denial.

India and the US are finally going to sign the nuclear deal. The left is still visibly upset. In fact, today Prakash Karat withdrew support for his wife's new dressing table and everytime a reporter on any news channel mentions the nuclear-power deal, Sitaram Yechury does a tequila shot.

Nokia is about to release it's real answer to the iPhone. In fact, not only does the new nokia phone have all the bells and whistles the iPhone has, it also does your taxes, sends your girlfriend flowers everytime you screw up and finds you an empty parking spot during peak hours. In fact, the Sarah Palin edition of the phone even detects and kills witches withing a three mile radius.

Health minister Ramados is happy that his nationwide smoking ban is now in place. He says his next target is alcohol. This is all part of his "Suck all the fun out of life" strategy.

Stupid & Clueless: The Sarah Palin Story

Let's talk about foreign policy. So Gov. Palin, you have been quoted by various media sources saying that you have foreign policy experience because Alaska shares a border with Russia. That's a joke, right?



Err. Ummm. Okay then. It wasn't a joke. You really meant it. Hey you know what, using the same logic, let's say I just read a book. So that must mean that I am a world renowned author. Like Yay.


Okay, so this whole bailout thing. What the hell are they talking about?



Right. Thanks for clearing that up, Governor. Your clarity of thought is mesmerizing.




This explains why SNL sketch is so funny even though it used your ACTUAL quotes.






Okay. Maybe bringing in Grandpa would make things a little bit better.



Ummm ... Sadly, that makes things worse. McCain looks like his head was about to explode. But he also cracked a joke, right? I didn't get it. Maybe because I'm not a maverick.


Anyways, all I have to say, is that if this pair wins on Nov 4, my advice to all the people living in America would be: Run, Baby, Run.