Today in comical attempts at racism

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, racism can be funny! And instead of outrage, it invokes pity!

Here are a few examples:

First, everyone’s favourite American election issue, Outsourcing! (They hate it so much that they even made a terrible movie about it!)

 

There are so many things wrong with this video.

a) The background music is probably middle eastern. But really, India, Arabia, all brown people must listen to the same music, no?:

b) None of the background pictures are actually Bangalore. One of them is Connaught Place, New Delhi!

c) What’s with the accent?

To be fair, the “many, many” jobs guy is simply hilarious!  Hey, NRI’s, you should hire him at the next birthday/anniversary party to entertain the kids, so that the adults can talk about the desh, without getting disturbed.

Anyways, seriously, Arkansas?

Your state is famous for only two things, cousin-marriage and giving birth to Presidential candidates.

And out of the two Presidential candidates, Bill Clinton pretends he’s from New York because now that he doesn’t have to run for an election, he doesn’t want anyone to remember his hee-haw connections and as for Mike Huckabee, that’s just another hilariously stupid thing about Arkansas.

So if you rednecks want to compete with people from India, then, instead of blaming other people, get an education. Oh, sorry. Let me spell it out for you: ej-u-cay-shun. It means book-larnin’.

If you want your children to be competitive in the international market, maybe get them to read something other than the bible or Going Rogue? Or maybe you shouldn’t have sent your children to Jesus school, in lieu of college?

If you want jobs in Arkansas, then maybe it’s best not to teach your children that evolution is not true and global warming is fake? Because if you do, then they’re going to end up like you. Bitter, dumb and clinging on to their guns.

Who am I kidding? It’s obviously those damn foreigners, who take away jobs you are not qualified to do!

*****

Now, you may not know this, but seems like England is having elections! I know! I thought Susan Boyle became their Prime Minister for life last year? Or whatever. How do British elections even work?

Anyways, this post is not about that. It’s about idiotic racist emails!

Two Tory councilman have been suspended for sending out a racist joke via email, because the Tories are trying to convince everyone that they aren’t bigoted and racist anymore and welcome everyone to their party! As long as they are rich, white and straight!

So here is the joke:

A Somalian arrives in the UK as a new immigrant. 
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr UK man for letting me into this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am an Afghani [sic]!"

The man goes on and encounters another passer by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!"
The person says, "I not from the UK, I am Iraqi!"

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful UK!'
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Pakistan, I am not from the UK!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you British?"
She says, "No, I am from India!"  Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the British?"
The Indian lady checks her watch and says: "Probably all at work."

Haha, what jobs is she talking about? There are no jobs in England!

And those which exist, are all thanks to those damn foreigners!

Here are some suggestions on what the Indian lady at the end of the joke should say, to make it less racist and/or better:

a) All the British people are at the pub, drinking themselves silly!

b) All the British people are auditioning for Britain's Got Talent!

c) All the British people are working for my husband’s company!

d) All the British People? They’re all resting because they knawed on a terribly large piece of spotted dick and now all of them have food poisoning!

That’s not funny, it’s true.

Things that deserve their own post . . .

. . . but won't be getting one.

A member of the Christian Taliban kills pro-abortion doctor. [WaPost] Other alleged accomplices include television blowhard and voracious consumer of m'fuckin Ice Tea, Bill O' Reily. [Salon]. Meanwhile, this still hasn't given other anti-abortion wingnuts any pause. [FoxNews].

The guy who is always wrong about everything wants the US to start a nuclear war in the Korea Peninsula. [Media Matters]

Staying on the subject of crazy republicans, Nancy Regan still receives twitter updates from her late husband. [Vanity Fair] Although, Paul Krugman won't be on crazy first lady's christmas card list this year. [NYT]

US Treasury Secretary tries to suck up to the Chinese, and they laugh at him and pee on his face. [BBC]

President Obama wants bankrupt American giant GM to morph into a new, improved company with the help of laundered US taxpayer money and make fuel-efficient cars which James Bond would also love to use. [DetFrePress]

Apple is doing what it does best; making hapless customers pay for the same thing twice. [CRN] This is why God is slowly killing you, Steve Jobs.

Frumpy Hyacinth Bucket clone Susan Boyle is busy crossing off the list of all the steps required for reaching superstardom. Be a "wronged" underdog. Check. Throw your weight around and abuse the paparazzi. Check. Visit a mental health clinic. Check. Congratulations, Ms Boyle. You're now the Amy Winehouse for senior citizens. Just do a jingle for Ben Gay and you're golden, girl.

Fatima Bhutto wants Obama to give Zardari a wedgie and other stories

**WARNING: This blog post contains language and issues which the Indian censor board deems inappropriate for kids below the age of 30. Please read at you own risk. Reading this post might cause you to suddenly start having illicit sex and committing sodomy. Have fun, though.**

Pakistan's favourite fornicating feudal family, the Bhuttos, are at it again. While Fatima Bhutto's estranged uncle and Pakistani President, the one she accuses of murdering her father, takes his act on his new "We're more poor than those darn slumdog kids" international road show in which he is accompanied by the bi-curious Bilawal Bhutto, Fatima vents by "writing" for the Daily Beast pretending to be Pakistan's answer to glorified Presidential candidate daughter, Meghan McCain. I say "writing" because everyone knows that Fatima has one of her man-slaves write down the article and send it across to the daily beast while she and the rest of her harem beat the summer heat by spending all afternoon in the hamam. Just like Arriana Huffington.

Buxoming her journalistic credentials, Fatima lets everyone know that Pakistan has nuclear capabilities, which she explicity says that is not a surprise. Other obvious facts she states is that Pakistan is run by a corrupt government that essentially voted itself into power.  Oh nos. In the article she also equates Obama with other war criminals and to paraphrase, she says that "Jihaaaaaaad" is the Pakistani version of "Wasssssssup". At least that's what I think she says. You know what's scary? There are things that are obvious to even the daily beast's resident South Asian bimbo, but not to the Obama administration.

To be fair, at least she doesn't make you puke by talking about Republicans having sex.

Now try to get that image out of your head. Ha!

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Indonesian clerics want to issue a fatwa against facebook because they think that playing scrabolous and answering retarded quizzes leads to illicit sex. Clearly, they have it wrong. I mean if anyone spends most of their day on facebook, it's obvious that the only sex they are having is with their hand or other electronic objects. Also, it's strange coming from the Indonesian clerics. They embraced technology when they used it to meet all four of their underage wives through eHarmony.

Also, I think they if they really want to ban facebook, coming up with an application titled "Which fun thing do you want us to ban next?" is not the way to go about it.

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This video is only half-funny.

 

Don't look at me like that. You would have watched it NO MATTER what I would have said. Research shows that people who read this blog will watch ANYTHING.

Now go play a quiz on facebook. You might get laid tonight and/or destroy your sanity.

_____________________

By the by, Facebook addiction is under no CIRCUMSTANCE to be confused with twitter addiction. The latter is one of the most intelligent forms of discourse. Unless of course, one is following Oprah.

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Despite hitting the airwaves recently for introducing the world to ultra-talented ugly duckling Susan Boyle, and showing us the white version of the Obama-ears disease, Britain might be downgraded from it's currently much desired and practically useless AAA credit rating. As Winston Churchill would say before drowning himself in cigars and whiskey because he really missed his childhood boyfriend Victor, that is absolutely ghastly.

Also, you know that a country is on a path to self-destruction when it VOLUNTARILLY hangs out with Paris Hilton. I think they just don't care anymore. Sad.

Do you think this would be a bad time to ask them to return the Kohinoor? Not trying to be rude here, but it's been sixty years. It's time they return what belongs to us. Maybe we might then think about saving them from bankruptcy?

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I realize that this post does make a lot of references about people committing sodomy and enjoying it. To allay all your fears, some of my best friends are homophobic.

Does that help?

_____________________

Rejoice all you dynasty enablers. We finally have a new government. And unlike all those non-believers who were predicting a hung parliament and loads and loads of donkey-trading (I think donkey trading goes better with a hung parliament, doesn't it? Actually, only if the parliament is well hung. Jesus, just sayin.) I always knew that it was going to be a strong man-date.

Ooooopps. I mean mandate. Sorry.

Please remember: best friends = homophobic.

Whew! That was a close shave.

Okay, I didn't really know anything, and unlike the talking heads on Teevee I don't get paid a gazzilion bucks to be wrong, so I'll come right out and tell you that I just wanted to fit in another gay joke.

Hey, it's not like it's illegal or anything. I mean, c'mon. It's 2009. Who really bothers about stuff like this?

They do?

Uh-oh.

I'll tell you the same thing I told my parents years ago when they found me passed out outside our house for the *first* time.

 

SOMEONE SPIKED MY DRINK.

Open letters

To,

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

When you actually have to say something multiple times, it implies that it isn't true. By repeating to every person you meet that "you're not weak", it ends up having the completely opposite effect. It further adds to their belief that you are weak. To keep on repeating something which is not a fact isn't going to make it come true. (Ref. Bush administration Iraq-WMD evidence)

If you want to prove to the world that you aren't the most weak person ever in a list which includes VP Singh and IK Gujral, then I would suggest that you either fire one or your ministers or release "secret" footage of you crushing a Heineken beer can with your bare hands.

To,

Prakash Karat,

If you are hell bent on renegotiating every treaty we ever signed, can you first please renegotiate your head out of your ass? Thanks.

To,

LK Advani,

You're not Barack Obama. Just because you put online adds, and thanks to google's user-surly targeted adds system, they appear on every goddamn site we visit,  we're not going to think that you're Barack Obama. You're more than eighty years old. Everything from the talkies to colour television was invented AFTER you were born. So, just because you start a blog doesn't mean we're going to be able to connect with you.

Although, please consider a request. For the love of everything good in the world, please, never open a twitter account. Thanks.

To,

Conspiracy theorists,

If you want to prove that Rahul Gandhi is "Raoul" and Priyanka is "Bianca" then please produce some actual evidence. Not everything that is printed on the internet is true. You do know that you can use google to search for things other than porn & detailed instructions on building a nuclear weapon in your secret science lab in the basement, don't you?

To,

MK Karunanidhi,

A bandh never makes sense. It makes even less sense when YOU are in the frikin government. Only in India do politicians hold demonstrations against themselves. Oh, and by the by, what happened? Did you suddenly run out of telegrams? You could have sent one to yourself instead of pretending to close a whole city.

To,

J Jayalalitha,

When you say that you have the country's best interest in your mind, how do you keep a straight face and not be all "LMAO, y'all".

Also, do you think we really believe you when you say that?

You do?

LMAO.

To,

Susan Boyle,

Oh Susan! What have you done to yourself? We want you to look frumpy. We want your bad eyebrows back. We want you to look like something a drunk Scottish cat dragged in. That is because then we can feel wonderful about the fact that, for once, we appreciated someone for their "inner beauty". Whatever that is.

p.s. Your semi-makeover makes you look like Hyacinth Bucket.