The beagle has landed

 
Manmohan, dude, could you at least get your safari suit dry cleaned?

 

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh arrived in Washington on Sunday afternoon, for a five day "state" visit. Now, no one really knows what a state visit means, but everyone agrees it's sort of important, like the American Idol season finale or Tyra Banks opinion on America's Next Top Model.

Let's see what the demi-gods of our times, the conscious keepers of our nation, those wonderful people who tell you what you need to think, journalists are saying:

DNA wants our jumpy foreign office to stop being so paranoid:

Serious strains in Sino-US relations are showing up barely days after US president Barack Obama concluded a conciliatory visit to China, and ahead of Singh's visit to the US. These belie the paranoid perception from New Delhi that an emerging Washington-Beijing entente is selling India's interests short. In particular, a paragraph in the Sino-US joint statement at the conclusion of Obama's visit, which commits the two countries to promoting peace in South Asia, has given rise to much Indian angst over China being given a "policing role" over Indo-Pakistan relations.

Some analysts caution against the risk of investing too much authority to sentiments reflected in joint statements. "A joint statement is less binding than, say, a joint declaration," points out Pang Zhongying, professor of international relations at Renmin University in Beijing. "If the two sides were sure they wanted to work together, they would have issued a declaration."

Dude, didja forget that our whole foreign policy is based on paranoia? Most of the people in our ministry of external affairs are only seen in public when we have to denounce a statement made by some crazy fuck in Pakistan or some godforsaken "newspaper" in China. But, hey, if it is already broken, why even try to fix it?

Our ambassador to the US, Meera Shankar, thinks that India wants Indo-US ties to be more than just a B2B relationship:

. . . defence relations have seen steady progress as an important aspect of the strategic partnership. Our Defence Policy Group (DPG) and its sub-groups, which meet annually, have acquired substance and depth in their deliberations. There has been an increase in the interaction between our armed forces. All our three services now conduct annual exercises with their US counterparts. At the same time, we are also looking at the US as one of the possible suppliers of weapon systems as we continue to modernize our armed forces. We would like the relationship not just to be limited to a buyer-seller relationship but also to move into areas of joint development and transfer of technology. Our armed forces are also cooperating in areas such as maritime security, which is vital to economic and national interests of both our countries.

Yay. Both our armed forces are ready to take on China the minute the US repays back all the money it owes to home of the dragon.

The US and India will also be signing a pact to cooperate on 'counter-terrorism':

US and India will sign a pact on intelligence sharing and counter-terrorism during the Prime Minister's visit, one of nearly a dozen agreements to be inked during the visit. Details of the pact are not being disclosed yet, but such was the importance of the agreement that CIA Director Leon Panetta flew down to New Delhi last week to discuss details with his Indian counterparts before the fine print could be drawn up. The agreement could involve exchanging and stationing more intelligence personnel in the two countries, including mobile units, to facilitate better interaction.
Initiative for the intelligence upgrade, including ''technical means,'' has come from the US side after Washington finally realized the fallacy of distinguishing Pakistani terrorist groups such as Lashkar-e-Taiba from al-Qaida, a grasp that has been brought home by the latest episode involving the terror suspect duo of Tawassur Rana and Daood Gilani aka David Headley.

Does this mean our guys get to ask Rana why he was metaphorically sodomizing Rahul Bhatt?

Now, there are some people who borrow a page from the Obama campaign and lower expectations:

When Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and his team land at the Andrews Air Force Base in nearby Maryland on Sunday afternoon (early Monday in India) for the first state visited hosted by the Obama administration, they will find a capital region that is bathed in sunshine, although there is a nip in the air that presages winter, and trees are devoid of foliage, autumn having been swept out.

[snip]

However, circumspection is expected to be the order of the day, even though if you go by the fact that this is Singh’s second state visit and the third hosted for India in less than a decade (more than any other country), you’d think the two countries are more than just natural allies or strategic partners . While there is an element of security in the bilateral relationship, India and the US are not allies in the conventional sense and are not likely to be so any time soon, says Walter Anderson, a veteran South Asia hand. His advice: "India will have to formulate its own strategy vis-a-vis its neighbourhood devoid of any unrealistic expectations from Washington, despite the perceived closeness.’’

For a minute there, I thought I was in an Indian novel, with the talk of all the sunshine and the foliage. Before this, I used to think I was the world's worst metaphor writer. Clearly, someone has me beat. 

Now, if for a minute, have you ever wondered how this visit would have been reported in the Soviet Union fifty years ago? Well, if you have, this is your lucky day, because our second most favourite insufferable old curmudgeon, Prakash Karat, answers your question:

The Communist Party of India (Marxist) on Sunday warned the United Progressive Alliance government against allying with the U.S.-led NATO forces in Afghanistan and promised to launch joint struggles with its counterparts in the region against increasing American intervention in South Asia.

[snip]

“We have to continue our struggle against capitalism, put an end to it and establish socialism as the real alternative. At the same time, we also oppose the India-U.S. strategic ties — economic and military,” Mr. Karat said at a public rally at the end of the 11th International Meet of Communist and Workers Parties here.

Where do I even begin? Oh, Prakash. In case you had been asleep for the past twenty years, in the whole decades long football match between socialism and capitalism, the scoreboard stands as, Capitalism - 1, Socialism - 0. Even though capitalism is now crony capitalism, it's evil twin, your system still sucked. Also, fyi, you lost the election. So, please have a nice, warm cup of green tea from China.

Now lets see what the thought leaders on the other side of the pond are thinking. One wonders whether they would be as excited about the visit as much as our own press is.

Since not much of the American press is covering this right now, let's turn our attention to the Times UK, for how the Obama administration is preparing for the Indian PM's visit:

The first dinner party in a new house is a test for every hostess and an awkward eater is the last thing she needs. In Michelle Obama’s case, not only is her first guest of honour an abstemious vegetarian, but the whole world will be watching.

On Tuesday the Obamas host their first state banquet since taking office in January. After the staid years of President George W Bush, who liked to be in bed by 9pm, Washington is desperate for some glamour.

“Official Washington is hungry for this — it’s an important moment,” said Robert Watson, author of American First Ladies and associate professor of American studies at Lynn University, Florida. “It’s a test for Michelle. Every detail will be looked at, from the menu to the guest list, to who’s sitting next to whom. One faux pas and the critics will pounce.”

As the youngest White House family since the Kennedys, the Obamas draw inevitable comparisons. Everyone will be watching to see how Michelle ranks against Jackie.

OMG, did someone remember to send an e-vite to Manmohan?

However, Politico has WON THE DAY, by it's superb coverage of the state visit.

Looks like former President Clinton won't be attending:

Former President Bill Clinton did snag an invite to the White House state dinner on Tuesday, but he won’t be there with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

It’s not a case of “Been there, done that” for Clinton, though he hosted 30 state dinners of his own. Clinton just has other plans. “He’ll be at previously scheduled events in New York,” Matt McKenna, Clinton’s spokesman, told POLITICO.

Well, just get invite a young woman who is on the healthier side. I am sure that Mr Clinton's schedule would 'suddenly' open up.

Now, since Bill isn't going to be there, Mr Hollywood himself, Ari Emanuel, is going to make up for his absence:

Hollywood super-agent Ari Emanuel (and brother to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel) is expected to be at the White House Tuesday evening for the Obamas' first state dinner.

[snip]

Ari Emanuel won't be the only one from Tinseltown at 1600 Pennsylvania on Tuesday. POLITICO confirmed late last week that Hollywood director M. Night Shyamalan will also attend the dinner.

Although, to be fair, Shyamlan's appearance at the dinner will likely be a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo. And, now that he's there, look for something really paranoid and boring to happen, simultaneously.

There were originally supposed to be 400 guests at the banquet. However, since EVERYONE in the WHOLE WORLD basically wants to be there, the banquet will now consist of 600 guests. The only criteria is that you should have some kind of remote connection to India. Cause, for this banquet, brown seems to be the new black.

 

Photo Credit: The Magalorean

No trains were harmed while writing this post . . .

. . . because that would be like destroying my own money. And I'd rather spend it on stocking up on alcohol to use on "dry" days. But that's another story.

[Image Via IEXP]

Some officer concerned with the profitability of the Railways asked a few trains not to stop everytime someone gets up to take a leak. This didn't go well with some people, and they did the obvious, normal, rational thing. They burnt down the f'king train. Because that's what you do in this country when you want to bully the government. Get together a few dozen people who like to destroy stuff to compensate for being emasculated by their wives , have some masala chai and then burn down something which the government paid for with taxpayer money. Some people might have a legitimate concern but going from Level 1 to Level lets-burn-the-fucker-down is just plain stupid. Or incredibly brilliant. Depends on whether you're reading Ayn Rand or Paulo Cohelo. 

I know laws don't matter a lot in Bihar but let's make a new one. Anyone who burns trains or destroys public property actually does not get their demands met. This is the easiest way for anyone to force the government to do anything. Oh, I'm sorry, We already have such a law. It's the government's responsibility to protect our national property. It's our taxes we which pay for this. Letting these people go scot free encourages everyone else to do that too. In fact, that's what LAWS are for. If we really had a government which put country before petty regional politics, they would have said NO. People can be heard out and if their concerns are legitimate, they can be addressed. But not this way. Alas, since our government thinks that the taxpayer's money is their dowry stash, they magnanimously "forgive" these people. And then they lean back in their taxpayer funded chair while staying in their taxpayer funded house while being cooled by their taxpayer funded air conditioner. Then they go on television and dismiss the concerns of the taxpaying public as "elitist" opinions.

Gee, what does one have to do to knock some sense into these people?

Burn a train or something?

_______________________

India is about to get it's first woman speaker. The soft-spoken and former daughter of deputy PM Jagjivan Ram. [Note: The post of deputy PM is not of much consequence. It does not come with any real powers and is basically used to assuage huge egos. It's just like the head of the UN.]

I'd like to know whose brilliant idea this was? Has anyone heard Meira Kumar speak? One has to put the volume on max just to see her lips move. This time if any members of the lok sabha are gathered at the well of the house, they won't be protesting, they would be trying to HEAR the speaker. Her appointment is going to be like a stimulus package for the hearing aid industry.

______________________

Now that a new era of governance is upon us, India re-learns the fact that the Pakistani establishment is not serious about combating terror.

Really? What tipped you off, genius? Is it the fact that they still consider the Taliban which is TAKING OVER their country a strategic asset? Or the fact that the United States had to literally bribe the Pakistani Army to take on insurgents in their OWN country and protect the very people they are supposed to serve?

No, seriously. I'm curious to know what would make you believe that the Pakistani establishment would put an end to it's only export.

______________________

Two people returning from a vacation from the US bought along with them shares of general motors, an unlicensed gun, umpteen boxes of Ferrero rocher to gift to their relatives at every occasion and the dreaded pig virus which might or might not kill us all. Sounds like a really fun trip.

______________________

Laloo continues to be rejected by the people of Bihar, the people in Tripura are sick of the left, and Karunanidhi is to celebrate his birthday along with all his hundred wives and five thousand children. I wonder how Karunanidhi's family ever organises a surprise party? Do they all get together in a large stadium or an empty planet or something?

Oh, and someone please send him a telegram!

Dude, where's my government?

Taking a break from swearing at each other, the Congress and it's allies finally decided to swear with each other. Finally, Karunanidhi was able to satisfy all his forty wives and give ministries to hundreds of his own children. Farooq Abdullah doesn't have to sulk and hit on women in foreign countries anymore and Agatha Sangma is  joining a government of a party her father literally loathes.

So besides having thousands of ministers, another hallmark of this government, as per the Congress talking heads, is that it's younger than the previous one. Clearly, nothing says "young" than a council of ministers with an average age of 62. Thanks, Grandpa.

So everyone has been wondering where exactly is their government at? I mean didn't we just vote for one over a whole excruciatingly painful month? So what came of such a "decisive mandate"?

This is the problem with the Congress. Before the elections, it's always like this boy who has never had sex and is asking every girl he sees for an alliance. And after the elections, it's like the boy who doesn't know what goes where and always ends up in the wrong, errr, part of town on his wedding night.

We've literally had a government in absentia even before the elections were notified. We do need a government sometimes. There is a global recession going on, something you would not believe if you see all the weddings taking place in Delhi.  Also, depending on the TV ratings, there might be a global pandemic which might kill everyone who loves them some pepperoni pizza. And in case no one noticed, with the kind of neighbours we have, who really needs enemies who want to see you drop dead?

Some might argue that most government departments are better off and more efficient without a minister, which to an extent is very true. However, we do need someone to make those policy decisions because our bureaucrats are busy sending the same files to each other over and over again because no one in the IAS has ever heard of the internet. Alternatively, having a "performer" as a minister does make a difference. Hell, even the pretence of performance is somehow good for the country. That's because, as everyone knows, in our country people appreciate symbolism more than actually doing something. If you don't believe me, ask Param Vir Akshay Kumar.

In short, this is what we can expect in the next five years. Family politics played out on national television, ministers who can't even write their own name, putting party before country, lip service instead of doing any actual work. 

What was that thing about change, again?

Apologies to the Indian Voter

Dear Indian Voter,

I owe you a sincere apology. Till about Friday evening, I always used to think of you as a dick. Sometimes, I even wondered whether you were retarded. Or assumed that like most of the people I know, you were on crack too.

But, fortunately for you, for the first time in my life, I take my words back. (Discounting the time when I was five and my Dad made me take back what I said to a particular nosy relative even though I didn't mean too. Since I don't want to go into details, let's just say that she had never been called a word that rhymes with punt).

Knowing your penchant for pretending that human beings do not have reproductive organs, and children are born because you starve yourself to death every Monday, I safely assume that you would be outraged at being called a dick. After all, it's just like the love that dare not speak it's name.

However, can you blame me for referring to you with such an epithet? You are the same people who, just five years ago, gave the party of Prakash "I'm going to wear the same white shirt for five years no matter how much it fades" Karat SIXTY seats. And the same people who almost gave everyone a heart attack by making us think that the words "Prime Minister Mayawati" might ever be a distinct possibility. You even voted for Sukh Ram. Sukh Ram. The guy whose cleaning lady is a billionaire because she used to find unattended currency notes lying around in his house. In fact, if Sukh Ram would have been British, he would have been the Speaker of the House of Commons. But we're Indian. We should have a higher standard than a country which would let a future King marry a horse.

However, kudos to you, for voting out the "kingmakers", the "wheeler-dealers", and other kinds of pimps whose desire to "serve" you was as fake as Pakistan's intentions to take on the Taliban.

You proves that al the talking heads on TV, who call themselves Pundits are as clueless as, well, real Pandits! You even showed the middle finger to smug elitist little assholes (who are not me) masquerading as journalists. For that, yes, I do owe you an apology.

However, let's not lose sight here. We might have voted for the lesser evil, but remember it is the lesser evil. While it may not be Darth Vader, it's just as bad as Dr. No.

These are the same people who thought that giving serial dresser, Shivraj "Look at my coat, bitches" Patil the HOME ministry and giving him the responsibility to lead our national security team was a good idea. These are the same people who continue to let someone who can't even stand, shoulder the responsibility of our education. I don't know about you, but I think that it's not a good idea for someone born in the late 15 Century be our minister for Human Resource and Development. These are the same people who let part time sociopath and full time deranged individual be the administrator of public health. These are the same people who quoted the Bible, yes, the same book which Donald Rumsfield used to justify killing Iraqis, as proof against homosexuality, in a court of law. The same book which says that the earth is flat and that animal cruelty is okay because God gave animals no soul.

So let's not lose sight of what's important here. Despite what the sensex will tell you, we do have tough times ahead. We need a government which actually pushes through some much needed reforms. The new government has to choose. It can either be like the movie Juno, and be an underrated sleeper hit or it can turn out like Speed 2, which although had so much potential, was a bigger disaster than the movie depicted.

However, until then, let's just gloat about the fact that the Indian voter put an economist into the most powerful office in the country. Even if he doesn't wield that much power. 

What? Do you think a "game-changing" election means newer jokes?

Now that's funny!

This week in Entitled Politicians

Last week's election day was not good for the Yadav brethren of the "fourth front". Both Mulayam and Laloo were caught on candid camera.

Relax, it's not what you think.

Mulayam was caught seen trying to intimidate an IAS officer deputed for election duty as the officer did not allow him to take more than one "bodyguard" while going to cast his ballot. The officer of course was only following the rules. But Mr Yadav insisted that "he was the law". Something like that anyway.

The next mildly disturbing visual was the other Mr Yadav, Laloo, treating the reporters gathered at the polling booth the same way he treats a wild cow in his shed. Raising his hand to pretend to hit them until they go back into their "rightful" place.  [Please note that no cows were hurt during the thought process for this terrible metaphor. Thanks.]

Of course. Both of them did this with brazen comeuppance. Not even the pretension of minimum civility that they usually put on when the cameras start rolling.

These are the tactics of people who have nothing else to lose. They simply reek of desperation. They know their so called vote bank is not really into TV news probably because most of them don't even have TV. And if they did, it would have been stolen by the local mafia. anyway This is their frustration rearing it's ugly head. They might get such a small number of seats that they would have no leverage. And since they are out of power at the state level too, they can literally smell their stint in irrelevance. Therefore they do things like these or throw tantrums asking for the Congress's attention because sometimes, a brother just wants a hug.

***

Another entitled politician is out Minister for Youth affairs, Sports and other things no one else cares about, Mr M.S. Gill. He is so fake outraged by the mobile IPL game that he even fake warned Lalit Modi. Does the Congress have a problem with anyone who uses the last name Modi?

As for the Sports Minister, is this what you want to take on? Don't you have better things to do? Like take on those bookies who ACTUALLY gamble on the game? Or maybe find and book other criminals. But of course, how can you take on criminals? That would involve persecuting members of your own party and your other "allies". Of course, in case people don't agree with you, then you can threaten them with consequences.

You know what's a bigger gamble, Mr Minister? Voting for your party. In fact, for any party. Because you may be mortal enemies with certain parties one day, and be their staunchest allies the next. Like the honourable PM. Last year said that the left parties made him feel like a "bonded labourer", and now, suddenly he "enjoys" working with the left.

Really? Because when one thinks of fun and enjoyment, one thinks of Prakash Karat and Sitaram Yechury!

Enjoy? Seriously?

***

Speaking of people who are entitled, has anyone ever noticed as how our politicians always refer to coming into government as "coming into power". And their terms in government are defined as "X Party reign" and the party is government is always referred to as the "ruling party".

Not that I am under any delusions, but, Gee, Freudian slip much?

***

How can one speak of entitled politicians and not mention the uncrowned Queen of the Congress party?

Does anyone remember the last interview she gave? I, for one, do not.

I agree that sometimes our media is nothing to write home about. We've got one lady on a particular channel who keeps feigning outrage at the drop of a hat, another host of 9 PM show who I'm sure cries to sleep everyday and another managing editor who doesn't forget to say "A week is a long time in Indian politics" at every damn opportunity. (No offense, but get a new catchphrase buddy. It's been fifteen years. Even Hulk Hogan reinvented himself more than you do).

However, having said that, the media, is a very important part of our democracy. Granted that most of their shows revolve around little children falling into a ditch and the next temple AbhiAsh is going to worship at, but sometimes they do come through.

Of course the argument can be made that Mrs G does not hold any office and hence is not answerable to the public. Au contraire, my dear Watson. She calls herself the leader of the UPA. And she is the President of the Congress Party. She goes around the country every election asking for people to vote for her party. She does need to be questioned. And she needs to give non-scripted answers.

Although I don't think that's possible. Any journalist who does manage to get access, will probably ask such softball questions that even Jayanti Natrajan would tear up a little bit. And the last time Jayanti cried, it was the minute after she was born.

Not that I would be interested. If I wanted to see someone speak Hindi with a bad accent, I would watch a Salman Khan movie.

What?

Loose ends

Thursday was the big debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Although pundits called the debate a draw, Sarah Palin proved to the world that she is ready to lead. Ready to lead the next season of Sesame Street.

I'm not saying she was bad at the debate, but her brother, the teacher of a third grade class in an elementary school in Alaska, gave her an "F".

Closer home, the Tata's moved their Nano project from Singur, thanks to the protests led by Ms Mamta Baneerjee. In fact, while the Tata's are welcomed to other states with a red carpet of cheap real estate and tax cuts, Ms Banerjee still remains in a state of denial.

India and the US are finally going to sign the nuclear deal. The left is still visibly upset. In fact, today Prakash Karat withdrew support for his wife's new dressing table and everytime a reporter on any news channel mentions the nuclear-power deal, Sitaram Yechury does a tequila shot.

Nokia is about to release it's real answer to the iPhone. In fact, not only does the new nokia phone have all the bells and whistles the iPhone has, it also does your taxes, sends your girlfriend flowers everytime you screw up and finds you an empty parking spot during peak hours. In fact, the Sarah Palin edition of the phone even detects and kills witches withing a three mile radius.

Health minister Ramados is happy that his nationwide smoking ban is now in place. He says his next target is alcohol. This is all part of his "Suck all the fun out of life" strategy.

Weekend Update

A new movie has been released on the relationship between the Indian left parties and China. It's called How Harold gets Kumar to Fuck up his country.

ISRO is about to launch 10 satellites at one go. Apparently, the name of the project is Kareena Kapoor.

Harbhajan Singh slapped Srisanth in their recent IPL encounter. To get back at him, Srisanth superpoked him through facebook.

When asked about it, Bhaji said that after Srisanth approached him, he thought What would Amy Winehouse do?

A jealous Ponting asked Ishant Sharma to spank him like a little girl.

Jackie Chan recently visited India to release the music of Kamal Hasan's new movie. He was accompanied to the event by his groupie, pile-on friend Malika Sherawat. Before heading back home, he required surgery. Yes, he needed to have Malika's lips surgically removed from his ass.

The Delhi government has refused to disband the new Bus Corridor. In a statement, Chief Minister Shiela Dikshit said, it is our constitutional duty to provide as many road blocks as possible. If we don't fuck up things now, how will we promise to solve them in the next election?

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in a statement yesterday asked all political parties to refrain from politicizing the misery of the people. He then got back to reviewing the forthcoming book about his speeches, called Baloney & Bullshit.

43 year old Director Guillermo del Toro has been selected to direct the movie The Hobbit and it's sequel. He is moving to New Zealand for four years to sh0ot the movies. Yeah, Del Toro is a very famous director. In fact he is the only living director to have a movie made on his life. Yup. The movie was called The 40 year old virgin.

The president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, refuses to accept the result of the election he lost and is now going to hold another election.

When he heard about it, Al gore said Why didn't I think of that.

I'm not saying that Mugabe is rigging the election, but he just hired Jeb Bush as election commissioner.

The Dalai Lama said that he welcomed the talks with China, as long as they were serious. Apparently, he was angry at the email from the Chinese government which said Dude, we sooo need to talk.

Myths & Truths

The UPA government needs to go. And fast.

Any government which thinks that China and Iran are our friends and the US needs to be told to bugger off, needs to stop smoking. Seriously.

Myth: China is a friend

Err... No. China is the major contributor to Pakistan's nuclear missiles (which are mainly developed for us ... to be used when we finally cross the LOC and finally obilerate those mother fucking terrorist camps.)

Also, China illegally occupies Aksai Chin and has not given up claim over the Indian state of Arunachal Pradesh.

So having a friend like China is like having a neighbor, who, after receiving an invitation from you for dinner and drinks, comes in and then occupies the door between his house and yours and then keeps claiming the area around your bar.

To put it in terms Pranab Mukherjee would understand:

China is like Rasgullas made from milk contaminated with lead.

To put it in terms the general population of India would understand:

China is like Amrish Puri in Ghayal. They pretend to be our friend, but are actually the ones who kidnapped and kill our family members.

To put it in Terms Sonia Gandhi would understand:

China Bad .... Dragon .... Fire ... Boom .... Chicken Manchurian give stomachache


Myth: Iran is a Friend

Iran is not a friend. Iran is like the "crazy uncle" we all know and hate.

Iran is what would happen if China and Pakistan mated.

Iran would never support us in a war with China or Pakistan. Or even with Bangaldesh.

Hell, Iran won't even support us in a bad Tom Clancy novel.


Myth: The US is a enemy

This is bullshit. Horse Manure. Really? The world's only superpower, who is ready to give us civilian nuclear power and integrate us into the Missile Defense Shield to protect our countries from maniacs in Pakistan and China?

Of course, the US would look out for their interest. Are they stupid not too? However, what they offer us, benefits both the countries. It benefits India more. And it is in the interest of the United States to develop it's relationship with India.

It is in the interest of both the countries to jointly fight terrorism in South-East Asia (pakistan) and around the world. It is in the interest of both countries to curtail the negative influence of China in Africa. It is in the interest of both countries to work together to solve the twin crises of Global Warming and the upcoming global food shortage.

Ok, they made a mistake with Iraq. Well, they are paying for it aren't they? Even if they are paying their own companies .... they're still paying? .... It's the thought that counts.

The left parties should stop acting like it's 1970 and the cold war is still on. Hellloooooo? There is no Soviet Union, by the way (and the Vodka from Russia sucks). So it's time to stop playing the populist game and actually do something for the country. For once, stop acting like a bad haired version of Hugo Chavez.

See the thing is, America and India are, now, for all intents and purposes, in a relationship. And so what if it's a little gay? Sometimes they're on top, and sometimes we are. It's fine. And they keep ignoring Pakistan's request for a blow job. As long as they do that, we're good.

And we never do things they request us to do, which we don't want to. Like we did not send troops to Iraq because well, they were busy protecting Mayawati from terrorist threats. Nor did we vote against Iran. So, as our good "friend" Nehru would say, "Why the fuck are you getting your knickers in a knot?"

So stop labeling the United States as a bully. They can't bully us. Hell, thanks to George Bush, they can't even bully Canada, now-a-days.

So I'm asking the left parties, to stop acting like headless chickens (oh.. i'll go there ...) and for once stop the idiotic statements and do what's best for the nation. Stop giving those knee jerk reactions. And for the love of Sweet Corn Soup, instead of being loyal to China, be loyal to the country you live in, India. After 5 years of fucking up the nation, you owe us that much, don't you?

It's time our government stopped acting like the actors in RGV ki Aag and start behaving with some intelligence. I know it's a lot to ask, but we can try can't we? If they don't our life will turn into an endless repeat of a Himesh (I'm about to puke) Reshyamiya movie.