What’s Hot: Your guide to a festive weekend!

Did you miss valentines day because you were working and your asshole boss would not let you take the day off and even made you work late? Or is that what you told your partner even though you could have easily taken the day off and when you said “late” you meant you were canoodling with you office sexytime partner? Well, in case you want to make it up or even if you didn’t screw up a made up hallmark holiday and want a weekend out on the town, we are here to help you! We go everywhere and taste everything so that you don’t have to! So here are the most happening events taking place this weekend. Enjoy!

Books

Talk about intellectual stimulation! On Friday, in preparation for World Cup 2011, Roli Books presents a special coffee table book,1983: A Circle Jerk, a pictorial essay of the most glorious day of Indian cricket which did not involve either Sachin Tendulkar or beating Pakistan. The book is the brainchild of India’s only world cup winning captain, Kapil Dev. He has also chosen the title, written the foreword and selected the pictures that were included in this historic book! The MC for the event is another member of the historic team, Kirti Azad. We are glad that both of them took time out from their busy schedule appearing on various news channels to attend this event. Unfortunately, no other members of the historic team will be at the release ceremony as they had something better to do and/or are dead. After the book release, a few select guests will be taken to a small concert hall where international superstar Bryan Adams will perform along with world famous music composer, Biddu.

Movies

This week is all about politics!

Whose speech is it anyway?

Mistaken Identity! International Espionage! People who have no idea how to do their job! From the makers of 27 Dresses: The Shivraj Patil Story comes the most awaited comedy of the year, Whose speech is it anyway? The movie opens with a minister of the Indian government reading a wrong speech at an international conference. He then catches the wrong flight and is then kidnapped by pirates, who think he is someone else! Hijinks ensues, and one hilarious misstep after another almost starts world war 3. Starring Paresh Rawal as the minister, Tom Alter as generic white guy who talks in accented hindi and Rajpal Yadav in blackface as an incompetent Somali pirate.

Prime Minister Slow Motion

This political thriller set in contemporary times is about a geriatric politician who is prime minister in name only. He stands by and watches chaos reign all around him. He is happy to rest on his past laurels and all he wants to do is hold on to power long enough so that his rival, the leader of the opposition, is never able to fulfil his ambition of holding the second most powerful office in the country, (the first being the host of Times Newshour).  All this ends when a young, dynamic leader, a scion of the most powerful political family in the country uses his influence to challenge the status quo and then becomes Prime Minister. He then starts solving problems from overpopulation to climate change. He falls in love with a village belle after eating a meal at her house. She is then kidnapped by his political foes, who are aided in this mission by foreign powers. Will the leader be forced to choose between his country and his lover? Will the foreign powers succeed in dividing the country? Starring thespian Dilip Kumar as Prime Minister Major Slow Motion, AK Hangal as the leader of the opposition and the evergreen Dev Anand as the young, dynamic and charismatic leader who saves the day. Katrina Kaif plays his mother. Anushka Sharma plays the village belle he falls in love with. The movie also contains a sultry item number performed by the demure Dolly Bindra.(The makers of this movie insist that none of the characters in this movie are based on anyone in real life. In fact, the story of the movie is a modern interpretation of the err…umm…. Mahabharatha. Yeah, that sounds about right.)

Exhibition

This week, an exhibition of the photographs of budding photographer Sunanda Pushkar, is being held at Lalit Kala Academy. The model for all the pictures is the photographers muse and husband, former Union minister, Shashi Tharoor. The exhibition includes many haunting images like “Shashi Tharoor staring thoughtfully into the future” and “Shashi Tharoor standing next to the parliament building and staring thoughtfully into the future”. There is also a humour section which displays playful images like the one in which Shashi Tharoor pretends blowing a trumpet which is also called Shashi Tharoor. Unfortunately, the controversial image “Shashi Tharoor riding a holy cow” was removed after lawful protest by members of the Hindu Janajaguriti Samiti. Light music and entertainment will be provided by visiting international superstar, Bryan Adams who will be accompanied by the Prince dance group, winners of the first season of India’s Got Talent.

Theatre

The India Habitat Centre has a special treat for all it’s members this weekend. A special performance of the one man show “My Struggle for India”, written & directed by noted playwright and part-time politician Amar Singh. It is a touching story about a man who just wants to do right by his country and is betrayed at every stage of his life by the people closest to him. He loses everything, including his pants, but still keeps carrying on, refusing to ride into the sunset. Starring award winning Hollywood actor Danny DeVito, this touching story will have you crying harder than a small child who just found out that his dad killed Santa Claus!

 

Food

Opening this weekend, in the heart of the capital, is a new fusion restaurant, The Berlusconi Plaza. That’s right! Placed right between the CWG games construction site and Palika Bazar, this new “concept” restaurant is just what the city needed!  You thought Chicken Manchurian was a big fucking deal? Wait till you let your tastebuds satiate on such signature delicacies like Mutter Meatballs and Sag Spaghetti! Come for the great food, stay for the awesome dessert! You can choose between “The Italian Senator”, in which a leggy Italian blonde hooker blows you while you eat your favourite ice cream or “The ND Tiwari”, in which an underage girl-child from Bangladesh feeds you crushed strawberries and cream while another rubs ben-gay all over your aching limbs! On the opening night, dance to appetizing tunes from the 90s, courtesy of guest DJ and international superstar, Bryan Adams.

BREAKING: Arundhati Roy arrested by fashion police!

After appearing at a public event a couple of days ago, noted writer and regular user of Dabur Amla Hair Oil, Arundhati Roy, was arrested in the evening today for crimes against fashion. She has been taken into stylist custody. Tomorrow morning, she will appear before a panel headed by Justice Tim Gunn which will decide on further action to be taken. Her sentence might include watching the movie The Devil Wears Prada everyday for the next year and a free lifetime subscription to Vogue magazine.

An insider who refused to publically give his name as he wasn’t appropriately dressed said that Ms. Roy has been repeatedly warned against committing such heinous offences like wearing a cocktail dress to a morning event and buying off the rack.

Noted designer Manish Malhotra termed her outfit at the public event as a ”seditious felony against couture”. “She acts as if the rules of fashion do not apply to her”, he continued.

Sources in the ministry of fashion told us that in a report submitted by LIFW agents assigned to spy on her it was revealed that she gets her hair done from the same barber as Jairam Ramesh.

Sagarika Ghose, CNN-IBN journalist and the second person ever to be given the title Nightingale of India, wondered on twitter “Why has Arundhati not yet understood that Jimmy Choo is an integral part of the modern Indian woman’s wardrobe?”

Tiger Woods apologizes for being just too fucking awesome!

[pic via Reuters]

So the world came to a stop on Friday to collectively sit back and watch Tiger Woods robotic apology. Now, Tiger seemed to be a little dispassionate about his 'apology'. So, we, at Overrated Outcast decided to investigate the matter and find out what really went on. Turns out, this was not the speech Tiger originally wanted to give. The speech he was supposed to give was vetoed at the last minute by his PR team. So, we 'convinced' one of Tiger's blonde hussies to give us a copy of the original speech, due to the right to information act (which does not apply to US jurisdiction, but our blonde operative, Jessica Simpson, did not know that). So here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Woods's original speech (needless to say, this is so not safe for work. Or children. Or women):

Hey Everyone, thanks for gathering here, to hear me speak. Some of you here are my friends, some of you are my colleagues and as for the rest of you, I have no fucking idea what you are doing here.

The only reason I called this non press conference is because I'm fucking tired of all your fucking insinuation about my private life. So I'm just going to spell it out for you.

Yes, I did sleep with a lot of women. Yes, most of them were blondes. Yes, I like having sex.

Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a fucking river.

Back when I was in high school, and I was a kid and didn't have any friends because no one wanted to be friends with that weird kid who plays and talks about golf all day. Not even that weird fat girl who made Ugly Betty look like a goddess. No one gave a shit when I didn't have a date to my own Senior Prom and I sat at home and watched reruns of The Cosby Show.

Now that I'm rich and good looking and get more tail that all the Kennedy brothers combined (yes, I get more tail than JFK, the guy whose middle name was "Fucking"), everyone's bothered and up in my bizness.

You know what, fuck you.

I don't have a sex 'addiction'. I have what every other guy on this planet (& Ann Coulter) has.

A dick.

I get horny. So I do what any other person in my position would have done, I go out and have sex.

What's so wrong with that?

The only person who should have a problem with that is my wife.

Anyone else is just being too fucking nosy for their own fucking good.

I don't care if you judge me. You have nothing better to do anyway.

I'm a slut. A man-whore. A casanova. A womanizer. Hell, I'm the black male version of Paris fucking Hilton. In fact, there is even a Rihanna song about me! 

Don't expect a fucking apology tour from me, cause I ain't no fucking politician, and I don't need your fucking approval rating.

However, I do think I need to apologize to some people.

I apologize to all those single and not so single women that I have yet to sleep with. I promise you that I will get to you one of these days.

I apologize to all those people who had to bear all these pre-medieval fucks bark about things which are essentially none of their fucking business. 

In fact, I'm sorry I'm just too fucking awesome for most people to recognize.

I'm not sorry for what I did. In fact, after this bloody thing is over, Imma gonna do it again,

As for parents who think I'm a bad role model for children? Well, I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm a great fucking role model. It's important to teach your kids that the only way you can get so much tail is if you either have money or are good looking. Hell, scratch good looking. If you only have money. So, kids, if you're listening. No matter how ugly your are, no matter how many people pick on you, no matter what your parents say, when you grow up, just work towards one thing: Making money. Everything else is crap. If you have money, you can fucking do anything. And no one is gonna stop ya.

As for those sponsors who ditched me midway, Fuck You. I made more money for you than anyone else. You know, Accenture, no one even cared for your small-ass consultancy before I let you put my picture up next to your logo. And as for Pepsico, I made drinking Gatorade look cool. Even some hot-shot basketball player couldn't pull that off. Well good riddance to bad rubbish. I always preferred Coke anyway.

As for all those bad-ass players, my so called 'peers' who think they're better than me, well I got news for ya buddy. I'm the best fucking golfer this world has even seen or will ever see. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't have to play even a single day of golf if I don't want to. I have more fucking money than I know what to do with. I'll be spending my Sunday afternoons with Candy and the rest of her hot stripper friends while you are going to be 50, and playing in some lame-ass "Masters" tournament, in the middle of fucking nowhere like Peru or Narnia.

So, a here's a big, sweet merry Fuck You to you too.

As for the media, I didn't join the cast of Jersey Shore and get into their STD-infested sauna for the world to talk about my 'sex-life'. And I didn't go around like the Ghost of Larry King and marry 7 dwarf-wives. By the by, CNN, this is why no one's watching you. Cause you're talking about a fucking glfer and his fucking whores!

Lastly, Brit Hume, you slimy, old mother fucking asshole, Fuck you.

Also!

Now, everybody, let's stop worrying about my penis and get back to more important things.

Like, have you given any money for Haiti lately?

NAM Summit: World leaders gone wild

Did you know that all the "non-aligned" world leaders were meeting each other in the sexy spring break destination of Sharm El Sheikh. Most of the leaders are from countries which are not yet ready for prime-time. However, this does not deter them from meeting with each other to talk about the weather. The NAM summit is like the daytime Emmy's. Everybody makes the right noises and applauds. However, no one really gives a crap.

This time, however, the NAM summit was all over the news.

That's because after seven months of he said/she said/you're a terrorist/no you're the terrorist, India and Pakistan were finally talking to each other again, just like old times. In fact, the foreign secretaries of both countries sat down together and came up with a joint statement. As we all know, an India-Pak joint statement is like an Arunadhati Roy article. No one reads it, but somehow everyone is outraged by it.

The Prime Ministers of both the countries sat down had a great heartfelt conversation. PM Gellani confessed how he spends his days in office by doing Bilawal Bhutto's Oxford assignments. Then, between sobs & tears, Mr Gellani said that Bilawal was a really strict taskmaster. He added that if he makes even a single mistake, Bilawal makes him do the whole thing again. PM Manmohan Singh consoled Mr Gellani and tried to cheer him up by telling him how he calls former Prime Ministerial candidate LK Advani everyday using a disguised voice and shouts "Namaste Prime Ministerji" and then abruptly hangs up. That seem to bring a little cheer to Mr Gellani who wiped off his tears on Mr Singh's safari suit. Both leaders then had a serious discussion about how to speak with Raoul Castro without bringing his height into the conversation.

Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah was spotted site seeing along with his new camel-wife.

Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi was almost arrested walking around Sharm El Shiekh asking any women he saw if they wanted to see what a real live weapon of mass destruction looks like. An international crisis was averted when a local police officer recognized Mr Gadaffi and alerted his Libyan handlers.

Earlier, outgoing NAM general secretary Hosini Mubarak tried to be funny when he opened the summit by singing a cover version of the late-80's hit Walk like an Egyptian.

Unlike this blog, Mr Mubarak seemed to have succeeded.

Violent protests in India over something that happened in some other country

Today, riots erupted all over the country because something really awful happened in some country which most Indians, including this reporter, cannot even place on the map.

The details of the horrible events are very sketchy as of now, and more details are expected soon. No one really knows what actually happened, but everyone feels so strongly about it that they felt like burning or breaking something which does not belong to them.

Meanwhile, protestors all over the country have been destroying public property since the break of dawn. Till about mid-afternoon, 300 train compartments, 500 buses and a 1000 cars had been turned into scrap metal.

We asked a protestor in Delhi who was setting fire to a spanking new Volvo bus, the reason of his protest. He told us that he was dismayed by the lack of public transport.

Other protestors had their own reasons. A man was spotted breaking the windows of a luxury superstore. When we asked him why he was doing that, he said that his wife has been pestering him to get a new sofa for their living room and due to the recession he cannot afford any, this was the best way to get a new one. He then also stole our cameraman's equipment to help his son with his photography course.

A frequent protestor stopped us and gave the following statement, "I'm one of those people who will protest anything. Whether something even happened or not. Hell, we'll protest about stuff that takes place on television. The point is that we like to compensate for our lack of sexual expression by breaking stuff. It's just how we roll. When everyone is guilty, no one really gets caught".  If we hadn't recorded and published his statement, he threatened to "protest" outside our publication's office along with his merry band of protestors.

When asked to take stock of the situation, a newly appointed cabinet minister, who declined to be named, asked us to have some patience. "It's just a small protest involving thousands of people. They'll burn a few things down, destroy taxpayer property even though most of these protestors haven't ever paid any tax, hit people who had nothing to with the events that unfolded in some other country, and eventually will head home when they are tired. There's nothing much we can do".  He abruptly ended the interview when the reporter bent down to tie his shoe.

However, former home minister and future Provogue brand ambassador, Shivraj Patil, was visibly shaken and very upset. "This is a terrible tragedy and the government will investigate the matter and punish the perpetrators", he said, more of a reflex action than a meaningful statement. His tense mood could be gauged by the fact that he had changed his clothes more than five times since he first heard of the riots. He solemnly added that "This time, the pee on my clothes did not belong to my grandson".

The news channels were abuzz with activity since the morning. India TV showed images of the violence along with performances by stand-up comedians and predicted that this is the beginning of the end of the world, TimesNow somehow connected the event to Pakistan and blamed Arunadhiti Roy for being a frequent cause of such riots, everyone at NDTV was so outraged that all they showed were commercial breaks and the various anchors at CNN-IBN were so damn loud that one could hear them even after muting the volume.

State-run television, Doordarshan, was showing an old documentary about Mahatma Gandhi, which highlighted how his methods of non-violent protests were adopted by successful movements all over the world.

Government flip-flops; wants to make shoe throwing a national sport

After pretending to be offended at the various shoes that have been thrown at various politicians, the Indian government today said that if it comes to power again after the elections, it would introduce legislation making shoe-throwing a national sport.

In a hastily called press conference, Sports & Youth Affairs minister, M.S. Gill said that "Why fight it? It's an inexpensive sport. You don't need anything much for it anyway. All you require is an old shoe and a despicable politician. And need I remind you that our country is filled with thousands and thousands of specimens of the latter?" .

When asked by a reporter  whether all the people who threw the shoe were actually frustrated with the current crop of politicians and wanted to see something other than empty promises, Mr Gill laughed off the question. "This is India. We elect politicians who don't do anything for us. And then we elect them again. And again. You see, our elections are like washing your hair with shampoo. Lather, rinse and repeat. Simple. Although, washing your hair does actually make it cleaner. No chance of that happening in the elections".

He added that even if people are missing their target and are actually not that good with their aim, need not worry. "Not being talented has not stopped anyone from being successful in sports before. Look at the Indian cricket  team for example. And in the circumstance the shoe hits it's target, well, as the fellow once said, if the shoe hits, bear it". He then laughed at his own joke for ten minutes.

Mr Gill seemed to be very excited about his new venture. "In fact," he told the reporters present that "I have even selected a theme song for the sport. I am even exploring the possibilities of including it in the 2010 Commonwealth Games in New Delhi".

When questioned by a reporter from Mint about where he would get the money from, he said that even though he is working on a shoe-string budget, he would try to find some money for his project. And that he believed that the UPA was a shoo-in to form the next government, and that he hoped that it would be one of the government's priorities.

The left parties were wary of the government. "This bears the footprint of the neo-imperialists. You know which country I am talking about. The same country which would put Sanjaya on worldwide television", said a fuming Sitaram Yechury still angry over the season six American Idol contestant.

SP general secretary Amar Singh criticised the move. "When we come to power, we will just ban people from wearing shoes. That's the best solution to everything. For example, to reduce the population, we need to ban sex".

MNS leader Raj Thackrey said that anyone in Maharashtra who plans to pursue this sport should only throw shoes which have been manufactured in Maharashtra. "Maharashtra is for Maharashtrian shoes only. All other shoes should be sent back to where they came from. Anyone seen throwing shoes which are not of Maharashtran origin will be made to smell Bappi Lahri's shoes for a week. Remember, he's been wearing the same pair since 1965".

Pakistani President to share home with Taliban

By our correspondent for affairs of crazy-ass countries

ISLAMABAD, April 26: Today, the Pakistani President, Asif Ali Zardari declared that he would hand over the keys to one half of his Presidential palace to the leader of the Pakistani Taliban, Mullah Sakbk Omar.

He said that just by giving him two out of three floors of his living quarters does not mean that he is surrendering. "On the contrary, they now seemed settled and are quite enjoying themselves. Why, just yesterday I saw them shooting at, what used to be, my plasma TV. I had to convince them not to feed my laptop to their goats by showing them my large collection of Sarah Palin photos. Although, that angered them and they have asked me not to come down to their quarters anymore otherwise they will kill me. Small compromise. That's what relationships are about, aren't they? So now I get myself airlifted everytime I need to leave the palace. After all, the army and the air force is not doing much these days. So I might as well put them to some use".

The United States government and members of the European Union warned that the Pakistani government is abdicating it's responsibility to it's people by ceding more and more territory to the Taliban.

Senior Pakistani government officials dismissed the warnings of the international community as paranoia. Bilawal Zardari, son of slain former Prime Minister Bhutto and Presidnt Zardari, said that the Pakistani government is standing by it's people. "They might stand by and watch them getting flogged, looted and raped, but at least they are there for them. As I learned at Oxford, it's the thought that counts".

He was then seen providing PM Geelani with details on the types of food his pet Chihuahua is allergic too. Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Quereshi was dispatched with a brown bag to take Bilawal's "little angel" for a walk around Islamabad. 

Priyanka Gandhi says that Rahul Gandhi's as yet unborn children are fit to be Prime Minister

Fielding questions from C-level journalists while campaigning for Congress candidates, Priyanka Gandhi today said that she thinks that her brother Rahuls as-yet-unborn children will be fit to be PM, as and when they are born and grow up.

"I'm sure they would make great leaders even though they are not born yet. How do I know that? Well, the as-yet-unborn kids are the great-great-grandchildren of Jawaharlal Nehru, they are the great-grandchildren of Indira Gandhi and grandchildren of Rajiv Gandhi. What other qualifications do they need?". She added that "Our family's hold on Congress politics and the country is just like the duracell bunny. It goes on and on and on".

HRD minister Arjun Singh welcomed the statement. "This country runs in the right direction only if a scion of the Nehru Gandhi family is at the helm. The children of our future prime minister, Rahul Gandhi, are our future, twice removed".

However, party spokesperson,  Abhishek Manusingvi, when asked the same question adamantly refused to answer it and said that "I don't answer hypothetical questions". This was right after the long answer he provided to a reporter who questioned him about the policies Congress party would follow if it won the elections.

Meanwhile, after holding a press conference about the party's unflinching support for Varun Gandhi, BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad said that "This is the difference between the BJP and the Congress. The Congress is all about dynasty, whereas we support no dynasty".

Even Tamil Nadu Chief Minister MK Karunanidhi chimed in. At a function to announce candidates for the coming elections, including his three children, he said that "Dynastic politics is like a termite which is destroying Indian politics. We should put an end to it and practice real intra-party democracy". Afterwards, in conversation with party workers, he alluded to the possibility of his son, Stalin, taking over the DMK by the next election.

Rahul Gandhi's as-yet-unborn children were unavailable for comment.

SP promises to ban the 21st century

It's back to bad haircuts, kitschy clothes and writing more than 140 characters at a time.

In a bid to take away the "we'll take you back to the stone age" mantle away from the left parties, the Samajwadi Party announced in it's manifesto that if it comes to power, it will ban the 21st century.

In an interview, SP supremo, Mulayam Singh Yadav said that "Duh. We love the past. That's where we want to be. Why do you think we keep nominating Jaya Pradha, huh?"

"Look, it's not like we're totally into the past", said SP general secretary Amar Singh, "We just believe that until everyone is on the same page, the country should not advance. In our conservative estimates, by the year 2420, everyone will be miserable in equal proportions.  Until then, we can't even think about removing the ban. So you better get with the program and party like it's 1997. However, please note that it's not a ploy to bring back cargo pants. That's just a positive side-effect. Now please excuse me while I go get the dust off of my Spice Girls CD collection".

"We also wanted to ban common sense and the formality of integrity. But some issues need to be left for the next election cycle", said new SP member, Sunjay Dutt.

World leaders hold summit to formally blame George Bush for the current economic crisis

The heads of government of the (technically mathematically inaccurately) named Group of 20, aka G-20, are scheduled to meet in London, starting tomorrow, to try find a way out of the current global clusterfuck. On the agenda are possible solutions for the economic crisis, discussion of a possibility of a global stimulus package and some juicy gossip about German Chancellor Angela Merkel's love life.

A banquet was held by the Queen today to formally welcome all the heads of state.

"Basically we are all here to convince the world that the current economic crisis is George Bush's fault. I blame Bush for everything." said Russian President Dmirty Medvedev. "Even when my children catch a cold. Or when Putin gets drunk, puts on a dress and starts singing I will survive in Russian. Oh, Lenin. I really shouldn't have said anything. I am so dead." He then was seen getting down on his knees and making a phone call.


The facade of camaraderie was absent the summit this time around. French President Nicolas Sarkozy threatened to walk out when he saw that the Italian Prime Minister was continuously eyeing his wife. "Hey Berlusconi, stop lookeeeng at my wife or I weeel break youur arms." He then chased the Italian Prime minister through the lush green Buckingham Palace gardens all the while shouting, what one can only hope, nice things about Mr Berlusconi's mother. Both of them were then stopped by current US President and part-time Messiah, Barack Obama and given a sermon about how "Thou shall not covet your neighbors wife". "It's the same sermon I gave to Bill Clinton last week", Mr Obama told reports later on.

Meanwhile Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was spotted sipping some Gaterorade and playing chess with the Chinese President. "Madam told me not to say too much. It's good advice, I tell you. Very good advice. I usually bite off more than I can chew. Just yesterday, I had some butter chicken and I still feel a little gassy. Well, what can you do. Old age is old age. ha. hA. HA". When Mr Singh got up to refill his glass, the Chinese President repositioned the pawns on the chessboard to his advantage. No one knows if Mr Singh noticed the change when he came back.

The Argentinian President Ms. Cristina Kirchner, was in heated discussions with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown about who is a better football player, Lionel Messi or David Beckham. After hours of going back and fourth, the only thing both of them agreed upon was that Victoria Beckham has the aura of a slut.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was seen feeling left out, sipping his mojito alone, which brought back memories of his own senior prom. He spoke to us with a heavy heart while trying to hold back the tears in his eyes. "It's hard sometimes, you know. We barely get noticed. People only call on us when they want us to watch their kids or to attend a funeral. It's just not fair. Why does everyone do that? Is it because we're a little gay?"

Indian politicians lack of tech-saviness bytes them in the modem

People all over India are simultaneously fuming over the attempts of political leaders who are trying to create an impression of being tech-savvy. It seems that the voters have no bandwidth for leaders who aren't Y2K-okay. Or for people who use words like "tech-savvy".

"It's like a slap on the face", said Ram Bharosay, a farmer in the Eastern state of Uttar Pradesh, while baking cakes of cow dung. "They're half-baked attempts at trying to sound relevant would have been funny if they weren't so tragic. And I should know about tragedy. My family lost me at the Kumbh mela. Although I was able to find them on facebook last year. It's so painful to hear that these politicians are just discovering the internet. C'mon. I even met my wife through the internet. Although, she looks nothing like the picture she posted on her eHarmony profile. In fact, I later found out that it was a picture of Meg Ryan. I feel so stupid when I think about it now."

"Meh", said 13 year old Anandi, mother of five, who in a few years will become the world's youngest Octo-Mom. "These old fuddy-duddy politicans are so not with it. Look at me, I catch up on my blog-reading and answer all my mails on my blackberry while I trek four miles everyday to fetch a pale of water. In fact, I'll sell the next daughter I have to get money for this cool new VAIO P mini laptop the girls at the river have been talking about. I would have sold one of the daughters I currently have, but someone needs to cook and clean and look after my two precious little boys. Since we can't afford insurance cover, giving birth to as many boys as I can is my best bet for old age. I mean, at least one of them will survive malaria and live to be a great-grandfather at forty."

"It's stuff like this which makes me want to go live in America", said 17 year old Enaraye, while sipping his Chai Latte. "These people just got started with blogging. And everybody knows that blogging is so 2004. Everyone is on twitter now. Who do these people think they are? Obama?". He would have said more but he was busy sending tweets to the fake Tina Fey profile hoping for a response.

When accused that they are copying Barack Obama's internet strategy, one of the chief architects of the IT team helping political parties formulate an online presence, Mr Anu Malik, said that "So what? No one can lay claim on an idea. Two people can have the same idea, can't they? In fact just yesterday I thought of this song ..." He then began singing a song which was suspiciously similar to Coldplay's Viva La Vida.

However, not everyone is impressed. One of the leaders of the left parties, Mr Iama Doosh, said that "all this facebook-ing and tweeting is a capitalist conspiracy to encourage people to stay in touch. Why do we need to stay in touch, exactly? I have not spoken a word to my wife since our wedding night fifty years ago and both of us are happy. Although, sometimes I do wonder why my son bears a striking resembalance to my wife's yoga teacher, and feel the urge to ask her a few questions. But I have a strict principle that one should not fix something which ain't broke. Just like our policy of non-alignment. Except of course, when it comes to China. Then all bets are off."

Other objections were also being raised. Mr Ver Gin, a prominent leader of the Ramanand Sagar Sena, said that "All this social networking etc. is against our culture. We will not tolerate all these loose women who are ..err... let loose by their parents so that they can visit these amoral websites. In fact, we are going to storm any cyber-cafe which dares to let women access the internet without being accompanied by a male relative. The only "networking" these women should be doing is with kitchen utensils."

Critcs also lament that the politicians attempt to reach out to younger, trying-to-be-hip voters is a farce. In response to a question, filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt said that "The lingua franca used by the self-anointed pioneers of modish culture is bewildering, perplexing, confounding and it contravenes and repudiates the small fabric which binds society together and annihilates national integration. I call for the end of such disengenious and rasputainesque attempts." We later found out that the question Mr Bhatt was asked was "Will you have fries with that?"

Indian Political Parties decide upon common code of conduct

Today, all the leaders of the all the political parties met to decide on a common code of misconduct conduct. They said that even though the election commission has one, they have decided to come up with a few bullet points lest they be accused of having a hidden agenda. The atmosphere was of quite cordiality. Everyone was all hugs and air kisses. It was more like a high school reunion and less like the meeting of mortal enemies. Which was even more surprising because most of these people haven't even been to high school.

After the party was over, they all sat down and came up with the following code of conduct for all the parties to follow for the 2009 general elections:

1. Giving Criminals a ticket - Just because you commit a murder or five or incite a mob to go on a killing spree does not mean you get disqualified from serving your country. Didn't you know that if you are a politician, the doctrine "Everyone is innocent even if proven guilty multiple times" applies to you. Even if you do look like a gangster from a RGV movie. I mean, c'mon, if it doesn't look kosher, it doesn't taste kosher, it's got to be kosher, isn't it?

2. Politics of Division - There is an urban legend in Indian. That if the British hadn't used the policy of Divide and Rule, today's India would be a nation of people who run around hugging and giving each other eggless chocolate cakes. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, however, we are politicians. If we start speaking the truth then we run the risk of getting publically stoned like gay people were during biblical times. So we use every trick in the book to pit one part of the populace against the other. If religion, caste, region, choice of butter are taken, we'll find some new issue to encourage hatred. It's not like the people in this country want to sit with each other, light a bonfire and sing Kumbaya. This shit is almost too easy.

3. Stunt Casting - The people in this country don't really want some drab, boring professorial policy wonk who actually knows what he is doing to represent them. No siree Bob. They want famous people whose trifle million rupee income they can supplement by sending them to the legislature to err..um... "legislate". (By the way, we just googled the meaning of the word. Is that what our founding fathers imagined we would be doing with the paltry time of five years or less? Those people must have been on dope. LOL). So just when we run out of issues to recycle, happens every now and then, we bring in someone famous who has been tainted and/or has no other work and cannot get a job as a reality show judge.

4. Booth Capturing - This is the century of convenience. India is developing, people. If you can sit at home and get everything from toothpaste to a big screen TV, why not elect a government by sitting at home? Why worry yourself silly and decide which party you want to enable so that they can plunder the treasury. Let the professionals decide. Real democracy is letting the person who has the most number of professional goons decide who wins. As Darwin said, survival of the fittest. You would have known who Darwin was if we would have built the school we promised. Well, our bad. Maybe next time, eh?

5. Policy Scmolocy - Look, we'd love to have a policy and follow a strict ideology and all. But the advantage of not having a well defined agenda is that it makes it easier to align with any party when the need arises. We don't want to put labels on each other and get boxed in, you know. Some people may say that we are left-wing or right-wing or we rule from the center, but we really don't have any principles we care about. Except of course, the principle of doing anything to be in power.

6. Taking credit for things other people do - You can't get more Indian than taking credit for the work of others. So what if people and industries are successful in India despite the ancient bureaucratic red tape? So what if businessmen have to work AROUND the government instead of working with it? So what if the government machinery is structured in such a way that hard working people struggle to make ends meet? Those are just myths propagated by the liberal media elite. Elitists who wear kurtas made from khadi and women who wear "lipstick and makeup". Elitists all of them. These people don't vote anyway. So what if we take credit for things we absolutely had nothing to do with? Just be grateful that it escaped our radar and it somehow miraculously happened. Otherwise we would have nipped it in the bud. Or at least profited from it. Beauty Queens? We let the women out of their house. IT revolution? Who do you think they had to bribe to start their operations? Backoffice of the world? Well, if we had invested in things other then our own offspring's future, there might have been other jobs for MBA graduates. Indra Nooyi & Arun Sarin? We drove them out of our country and look how they were able to unleash their capabilities and catapult themselves to a successful career.

It's all because of us, people.

You're welcome.

Jai Ho to you too.

Gordon Brown awarded US congressional medal of boredoom

The day after British Prime Minister Gordon Brown addressed the joint session of the US Congress, he became the first ever world leader to be awarded the "Congressional Medal of Boredom."

House speaker Nancy Pelosi hailed the move as a step in the right direction. She said that "In a chamber which has Senators John McCain and John Kerry, it takes a lot to be called as most boring. In fact, by the end of Mr Brown's speech, the Botox under my lower lip had started to leak".

Last year Senator John Kerry visited Aqua World and as soon as the dolphin performing that day saw him, she went into depression and died the next day. And former presidential candidate, John McCain had to hire the sixth Spice girl, Bible Spice, as his running mate to stay afloat during the elections last year.

Scientists say that Gordon Brown has been discovered to have the charisma of a bottle of home made disinfectant and the magnetism of a stale box of Pringles.

"Listening to his speech was like watching four back to back episodes of Doctor Who. It was like time stopped. Even getting circumcised was less painful", said Connecticut Senator Joe Liberman.

Some congressional representatives tried to use technology to escape. "I was twittering Save me....Save me Jesus in morse code", said Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-OR).

"Now I know what my wife and children go through everytime we sit to have dinner" read the twitter feed of Rep. Rob Wittman (R-VA).

White House spokesperson, Robert Gibbs praised Congress for acting so prudently. "The British Prime Minister can kill hope as fast as President Obama can manufacture it. In fact, this is one of the reasons we kicked the British out in 1776. That and because who in their right mind would want to have Sheppard's pie for dessert?"

We tried to get a reaction from the British Prime Minister, but our reporter killed himself while Mr Brown was in the middle of his acceptance speech.

Pakistan denies existence of the Sri Lankan Cricket team

The spokesperson for Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari, El Harami, in a press conference today denied that there was any attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team, which was widely reported and shocked the world yesterday. "In fact", said Mr Harami, "we believe that there is no country known as Sri Lanka. It suspiciously sounds very similar to someone who would come up with a program like the Art of living. Therefore, if they do not exist, how can they have a cricket team? This clearly proves that this is an attempt by certain foreign elements who want to damage our stellar international stature. Also, in a side note, we don't believe in the art of living. Living is for wimps. We prefer dying. In fact, it's sort of a national sport. It was pioneered by the Bhutto family".

When quizzed about the growing problem of terrorism in Pakistan, Mr Harami said that "Look. President Zardari is a big follower of the policies of former US President, George W Bush. And according to the Bush doctrine, the first step in eliminating a problem is to deny it's existence. Step 2 is blaming the wrong country and Step 3 is TBD. We are just on Step 1."

When asked about Pakistan's growing reputation as a failed state, he said that "Hey, no publicity is bad publicity. We are like the Paris Hilton of countries. Instead of exporting STD's we export crazy people who want to kill a large number of innocent people who cause them no harm. We're not a flash in the pan outfit like Hamas. We got tenure on our side. We've been doing this shit for decades".

When asked to comment on the Pakistani President's statement, a representative for the Sri Lankan foreign ministry, Mr Hol Ycrapinghe said that "At this stage, who really cares about what Pakistan thinks. We were one of the the last few to pay attention, really. The only other countries left are Bangaldesh and Ghana."

India makes history by electing first USB drive as a Laptop

In another Tryst with destiny, India made history today by giving the title of a Laptop to a glorified USB drive.

In a statement released by the education ministry, Mr Arjun Singh, the first 1000 year old man to hold a such an esteemed position in the Indian cabinet, lauded the move and said that this is a testament to the rising power of India. "We now live in a world where any small, useless USB device can grow up to be a laptop. This proves that our reservation policy works. All this talk of merit is nothing but a huge right wing conspiracy. Where right does not refer to the religious right, but to the people who base their opinion on facts and reality. Just because this device does not have complex computing skills and can perform the same tasks as a pre-Y2K floppy drive, does not mean that it cannot aim for the highest category of computing devices. In fact, I have asked my deputies to come up with a comprehensive reservation policy in which 30% of all laptops in India will be sold in the form of USB drives. The current discrimination must stop. Immediately".

Congress President Sonia Gandhi, in a message to the nation, said that this was the ruling coalition's attempt at showcasing India's technical finesse to the rest of the world. "Forget Obama. We have again shown the world how forward our culture is. We may be beating women who dare to grab a drink, but only in our country can we come up with something that looks like Vinay Pathak mated with that awful computer from Koi Mil Gaya. Not only are we post-race in terms of human beings, we're also post-race in terms of computing devices. Suck on that, Iceland. You may have the first lesbian Prime Minister, but we have the first lesbian computing device".

The Indian Prime Minister, released a statement right after Mrs Gandhi did. It was a simple one line note which read "What her most exalted highness, madam said".

The Health Minister released a cautionary statement and said that "This USB drive is bigger than a lot of average Indian male wieners. This might lead to a large outbreak of Penis-envy. We must stop this epidemic from growing more than it's usual size. Some sort of protection against such a calamity must be erected".

Although not everyone was as convinced of the utility of the device.

The Chinese President, in an off the record remark made to a reporter, said that "In our country, a one year old can mass produce ten thousands of these in an hour. Ha. This is one even a challenge. We will own the faux-laptop market in a matter of months if not by next week". He then bit into his sandwich made of export quality peanut butter and went into a clinical coma.

Pakistani President Zardari, denied that Pakistan had any involvement in producing the device. In a statement released on his behalf by Information minister Sherry Rehman, he said that "In Pakistan, we only use science to make weapons of mass destruction which are mostly targeted towards India. Any other scientific development in our country involves cheap shit from Korea".

The Russian Prime Minister was busy attending a concert of an ABBA cover band and was not available for comment.