Hell is Other People

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Whenever a horrific incident imbibes itself in the consciousness of the people of our country, there are various stages of grief we go through together. Now, these are not based on any trenchant analysis by renowned mental health professionals. Instead, these are based on our values, our ancient culture, and the wisdom that has been passed on from generation to generation since the Indus civilization.

First comes shock. We feel this when we first hear of the incident. We wonder what kind of animals would do such a thing. We are taken aback by the fact that such people live and breathe among us. We can’t really believe that this happened! Despite there being plenty of proof and a large number of incidents documented in the past. Yet we imagine that this is the first time a deer distracted by the headlights got run over by a car. Wait, the snowball turned into an avalanche? Did not see that coming!

We feel guilty that we didn’t do anything to make sure such incidents didn’t happen. We kick ourselves for suffering injustice silently; for being those monkeys made out of stone and not hearing, seeing or saying anything. But the thing that we find most scary is the thought that this could happen to us too. That makes us angry. We get angry at everything and everybody. And we want revenge! We want heads to roll and bodies to pile up. No time to stop and consider how we contribute to an environment which leads to such an event. We want scapegoats and we want them now!

While the people are angry, the government is in denial. They did nothing wrong. They were all doing their job. In fact, according to them, they did an excellent job. And no, they’re not showing any cowardice by getting the police to suppress dissent using British Raj era tactics. They just retreated into their guarded palaces because they wanted to give the people some space. They aren’t holding onto to power within an inch of their life or anything. And refusing to meet people because of the misbelief that they aren’t going to vote for you anyway is not hubris. Neither is comparing people asking for justice for a fellow citizen with terrorists wanting to overthrow the state. And the advisory issued to news channels covering the protest, was as harmless as advice from a friend. No one was threatening anyone with dire consequences. Whatever gave you the idea!

Of course, it doesn’t take long for any discussion to devolve into a partisan food fight. Everyone stews in their righteousness, because they sincerely believe that this is just another event which happened because people don’t listen to them. Just another example of why the world is screwed up because of the other guy. If only more people would listen to us! You also can’t just be sad and upset about something by itself. You have to retroactively be upset about all the events that took place in the past. And simultaneously be upset about whatever is going to happen in the future.

Then we become mired in farce. Politicians want to make symbolic gestures towards the dearly departed. News channels want you to never forget until the next big story comes along.  And the rest of us just want to go back to our busy lives after someone assures us that we will be able to meander through the rest of our days in peace. Why don’t you just leave us alone, troubles of the world?

* * *

Life in India can make you quite cynical. When you see democracy being sold in packages of various sizes everyday, it’s quite hard to believe that words like “freedom,” “rule of law,” or “justice” mean anything.  Yet, there seemed something different about the current protests. When it started, it was a spontaneous expression of anger. It didn’t have the cold, calculative machiavellian organization of pasts protest. Nor were the protestors made up of the rent-a-mobs used by most political parties. They were outraged citizens who weren’t dead inside like the rest of us and still thought that they could change the world. They were also naive and so blinded by anger that they were not even sure of what they were protesting. They were in dire need of a civics lesson and those among them wanting to do unspeakable things to the accused should probably see a shrink.

We were trying to have a national discussion about things we need to do to make the country better for its female populace but we got caught in the same trap we always do. We lost our way somewhere between chemical castrations and mentally dented presidential scions.

Let’s hope it’s not too late to find our way back.

Dial Di for Delusion

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

As India’s favorite insane asylum outpatient, Mamta Banerjee celebrated the first year of her reign of terror and darkness, the kind folks at Sardesai TV had a bright idea. They decided to stop shouting for a couple of minutes and hold a Q & A session with the newish overlord of West Bengal. And then, in a scenario which even a casual viewer of a badly plotted sitcom could foresee, during the session, the minute someone asked her a real question, Ms. Banerjee not only refused to offer an answer, but for good measure called the person asking the question a maoist (as you do!) and then walked out. It takes real talent to share a stage with Sagarika Ghose and still come out looking like the crazy one, but, if anyone can accomplish this arduous task, then it’s the Commie Crusher of Calcutta. This is what happens when you surround yourself with yes-men and don’t allow any contradictory opinion to even wander near your frontal lobe. Maybe if she left the padded room they keep her in once in a while there would be hope that maybe one day she would have a tiny grip on reality?

It seems that delusion is an important part of public life in this country.

Perhaps it is why human tub of lard and Information and Broadcasting minister Kapil Sibal was able to stand on the ‘sacred’ floor of parliament and be able to claim, with a straight face, that India is perhaps more liberal than even America or Western Europe. So liberal it hurts! So liberal that we ban books without reading them. So liberal that we send the most number of takedown notices to Google. So liberal that we deny visas to foreign journalists who are critical of our policies.  Maybe he actually does believe the constant obfuscation he offers in lieu of real answers?

Although that was nothing compared to the travesty that was the ‘celebration’ of the three years in government of the second iteration of the UPA. That is like throwing a party to commemorate that drunken night three years ago when you had a one night stand with a random person and they gave you syphilis. Though no one was surprised because this government has turned tone-deafness into an art form. Not only have they spent each excruciating day in the past three years muddling from one crisis to the next, they are so barren that every time some wayward ally threatens to pull the rug from beneath their feet, a small part of you kind of wants them to go ahead with their threat so that this mass of diseased puss pretending to govern the country for the past few years can finally be put out of its misery. Only a deluded party would look at the drubbing it received in the assembly elections held in the country’s biggest state and try to convince itself that it was not a repudiation of its policies; that it would have won the elections had it not been for infighting. That it decided to stay the course is a testament to the long distance relationship between reality and the leaders of the Congress party.

Of course, if we had a proper opposition they would capitalize on such brazen incompetence. However, our principal opposition party is made up of a rag-tag bunch of jokers - bereft of any ideas - who cannot even stand the sight of each other yet still persist with the pretension of being a cohesive unit only because of their unmitigated and naked lust for power.  An opposition party which continues to offer nothing but empty, unproductive gestures instead of any legitimate debate or any useful policies. The opposition parties in this country are so weak and helpless that they forcibly ceded their space to desi Robin Hood and his merry band of tax evading, expense fudging, and invective throwing minions.

Now, nobody currently embodies the collective delusion of our political class more than P.A. Sangma. A politician who was important for a few minutes in 1996, and is on what many observers would describe – if they want to be really, really kind -  as a quixotic quest to be President. In his shamelessness, he has even managed to sell out the very people whose interests he claims to care for. According to Sangma, letting him mangle English words for five years in Rashtrapati Bhavan would right all the wrongs of the past. The profound distance the North East has felt from the mainland, the years of being ignored by the central government, it would all be fixed if they make a guy who even members of his own party aren’t aware of, the President. The most incredulous claim he has made is that a President Sangma would bring down naxalism and hurt the insurgency. Yes, a President Sangma would also find a cure for cancer, fix the imbalanced gender ratio, singlehandedly bring an end to the corruption that ails the country and make it rain cute puppies and edible confetti all the time.

Which brings us back to Mamta Banerjee. She ended her week by leading a protest against the government. This was an act of such bravado that it caused a fissure in the space-time continuum. Even though she is in government both at the centre and the state, she figured that the best plan of action would be to lead a procession against both these entities. Usually she is just judge, jury and executioner; however, this time she was both Chief Minister and the Leader of Opposition. There was even an awkward moment when she, in her capacity as chief minister, called herself, in her capacity as leader of opposition, a maoist.

Somewhere in famous people heaven, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung are looking down on her and going “Even we can’t cure this.”

No trains were harmed while writing this post . . .

. . . because that would be like destroying my own money. And I'd rather spend it on stocking up on alcohol to use on "dry" days. But that's another story.

[Image Via IEXP]

Some officer concerned with the profitability of the Railways asked a few trains not to stop everytime someone gets up to take a leak. This didn't go well with some people, and they did the obvious, normal, rational thing. They burnt down the f'king train. Because that's what you do in this country when you want to bully the government. Get together a few dozen people who like to destroy stuff to compensate for being emasculated by their wives , have some masala chai and then burn down something which the government paid for with taxpayer money. Some people might have a legitimate concern but going from Level 1 to Level lets-burn-the-fucker-down is just plain stupid. Or incredibly brilliant. Depends on whether you're reading Ayn Rand or Paulo Cohelo. 

I know laws don't matter a lot in Bihar but let's make a new one. Anyone who burns trains or destroys public property actually does not get their demands met. This is the easiest way for anyone to force the government to do anything. Oh, I'm sorry, We already have such a law. It's the government's responsibility to protect our national property. It's our taxes we which pay for this. Letting these people go scot free encourages everyone else to do that too. In fact, that's what LAWS are for. If we really had a government which put country before petty regional politics, they would have said NO. People can be heard out and if their concerns are legitimate, they can be addressed. But not this way. Alas, since our government thinks that the taxpayer's money is their dowry stash, they magnanimously "forgive" these people. And then they lean back in their taxpayer funded chair while staying in their taxpayer funded house while being cooled by their taxpayer funded air conditioner. Then they go on television and dismiss the concerns of the taxpaying public as "elitist" opinions.

Gee, what does one have to do to knock some sense into these people?

Burn a train or something?

_______________________

India is about to get it's first woman speaker. The soft-spoken and former daughter of deputy PM Jagjivan Ram. [Note: The post of deputy PM is not of much consequence. It does not come with any real powers and is basically used to assuage huge egos. It's just like the head of the UN.]

I'd like to know whose brilliant idea this was? Has anyone heard Meira Kumar speak? One has to put the volume on max just to see her lips move. This time if any members of the lok sabha are gathered at the well of the house, they won't be protesting, they would be trying to HEAR the speaker. Her appointment is going to be like a stimulus package for the hearing aid industry.

______________________

Now that a new era of governance is upon us, India re-learns the fact that the Pakistani establishment is not serious about combating terror.

Really? What tipped you off, genius? Is it the fact that they still consider the Taliban which is TAKING OVER their country a strategic asset? Or the fact that the United States had to literally bribe the Pakistani Army to take on insurgents in their OWN country and protect the very people they are supposed to serve?

No, seriously. I'm curious to know what would make you believe that the Pakistani establishment would put an end to it's only export.

______________________

Two people returning from a vacation from the US bought along with them shares of general motors, an unlicensed gun, umpteen boxes of Ferrero rocher to gift to their relatives at every occasion and the dreaded pig virus which might or might not kill us all. Sounds like a really fun trip.

______________________

Laloo continues to be rejected by the people of Bihar, the people in Tripura are sick of the left, and Karunanidhi is to celebrate his birthday along with all his hundred wives and five thousand children. I wonder how Karunanidhi's family ever organises a surprise party? Do they all get together in a large stadium or an empty planet or something?

Oh, and someone please send him a telegram!

Government flip-flops; wants to make shoe throwing a national sport

After pretending to be offended at the various shoes that have been thrown at various politicians, the Indian government today said that if it comes to power again after the elections, it would introduce legislation making shoe-throwing a national sport.

In a hastily called press conference, Sports & Youth Affairs minister, M.S. Gill said that "Why fight it? It's an inexpensive sport. You don't need anything much for it anyway. All you require is an old shoe and a despicable politician. And need I remind you that our country is filled with thousands and thousands of specimens of the latter?" .

When asked by a reporter  whether all the people who threw the shoe were actually frustrated with the current crop of politicians and wanted to see something other than empty promises, Mr Gill laughed off the question. "This is India. We elect politicians who don't do anything for us. And then we elect them again. And again. You see, our elections are like washing your hair with shampoo. Lather, rinse and repeat. Simple. Although, washing your hair does actually make it cleaner. No chance of that happening in the elections".

He added that even if people are missing their target and are actually not that good with their aim, need not worry. "Not being talented has not stopped anyone from being successful in sports before. Look at the Indian cricket  team for example. And in the circumstance the shoe hits it's target, well, as the fellow once said, if the shoe hits, bear it". He then laughed at his own joke for ten minutes.

Mr Gill seemed to be very excited about his new venture. "In fact," he told the reporters present that "I have even selected a theme song for the sport. I am even exploring the possibilities of including it in the 2010 Commonwealth Games in New Delhi".

When questioned by a reporter from Mint about where he would get the money from, he said that even though he is working on a shoe-string budget, he would try to find some money for his project. And that he believed that the UPA was a shoo-in to form the next government, and that he hoped that it would be one of the government's priorities.

The left parties were wary of the government. "This bears the footprint of the neo-imperialists. You know which country I am talking about. The same country which would put Sanjaya on worldwide television", said a fuming Sitaram Yechury still angry over the season six American Idol contestant.

SP general secretary Amar Singh criticised the move. "When we come to power, we will just ban people from wearing shoes. That's the best solution to everything. For example, to reduce the population, we need to ban sex".

MNS leader Raj Thackrey said that anyone in Maharashtra who plans to pursue this sport should only throw shoes which have been manufactured in Maharashtra. "Maharashtra is for Maharashtrian shoes only. All other shoes should be sent back to where they came from. Anyone seen throwing shoes which are not of Maharashtran origin will be made to smell Bappi Lahri's shoes for a week. Remember, he's been wearing the same pair since 1965".

Let's watch Cricket while Tibet burns .....

Another day, another faux paux by our government. I'm talking about arresting Tibetan protesters. I thought we were a democracy. People are allowed to protest. So, only if you aren't Tibetan. It's not that I am a big fan of the Dalai Lama or anything, but the way the Tibetan protesters were treated by the Indian police is horrendous. Just because they are not affiliated to any political party and are not protesting for reservation, does not mean that they have a valid point.

The attitude of the police all over Indian has been nothing short of autocratic. I was reading an article in the mecca of journalism, the Times of India, where a police office says that:

Meanwhile, in the area around Majnu Ka Tila, sub-inspector Rakesh Khari headed a large team of police personnel outside the colony. A riot control van was stationed nearby to check protesters in case they got violent. "A group of angry protesters tried to block the highway last night. We cannot allow any activity that would disrupt normalcy,"said Khari.

Yes. Mr Khari, a group of angry protesters should not be allowed to disrupt normal activities. However, in case they are protesting about Jodha Akbar, they are allowed to disrupt normal activities. You can look the other way. But how dare do they protest about something as insignificant as independence. How dare they presume that they have a right to free speech? How dare do they presume that a country that was fighting unjust occupation a little over sixty years ago would understand their struggle. Yes Mr. Khari, those fuckers are wrong. They should just sit around and watch their biggest oppressor being given a collective blow job by the Indian Left and the west. They should stick to doing what they know best; selling Chicken Manchurian (which is not even remotely manchurian by the way) and overpriced electronic goods made in Korea.

Just because we have this hush-hush wink-wink deal with China does not mean that we should not allow the Tibetans to protest against the lead-poisoning Asian giant. What gets to me more is that we Indians are not affected by it at all. We are okay with our Government doing to other people what the British did to us half a century ago. We get more angry when Symonds calls Harbhajan an obnoxious little weed. That's murder. That hurts our Indian pride. However, seeing peaceful democratic protesters being treated like terrorists does not affect us. Nobody actually comes out and gives a shit.

Our esteemed external affairs minister, Pranab Mukhrjee, has released the following statement:

In response to a question on Tibetans in India protesting against the violence in Tibet, the spokesperson of the ministry said, ''Tibetan refugees, while in India, are expected to refrain from political activities and activities that affect India's relations with friendly countries."

Yes, Mr minister. Thank you for your words. I am so glad we are friends with China. Maybe that is why China is supporting us for the nuclear deal. Uh-oh, it's not? Aright, at least it's dropped it's claim to the state of Arunachal Pradesh? ....No? It's still lays claim to it? Do i hear you correctly Mr, Minister? And what about Aksai Chin in Kashmir. They want to return it to us, but we are not taking it back from them right? Awwwww ... So sweet ... What's a few states between friends. And they have stopped playing with Pakistan and started playing with us? No? You say that they are Pakistan's BFF? I agree, how can you separate Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritche? They belong together don't they? I mean so what if they are helping Pakistan develop the ability to nuke us. At least we get to play with them on Fridays, when Pakistan is praying? I am so glad that you cleared that up for me Mr Minister. Whew!! Those damn Tibetans should just have a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up. And they can sit right next to Tasleema Nasreen's table.