It’s the law, stupid!

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Ever since Mumbai’s latest self-appointed moral guardian, ‘Herr Inspektor’ Vasant Dhoble started his blitzkrieg to rid Mumbai of unsympathetic scum like people trying to have an overpriced drink, he has been heralded as a pioneer. Look, someone is finally doing something! Someone brave enough to apply the law! Stop waiting and make him Prime Minister already! Those who support Supreme Commander Dhoble and Brigade of the Righteous are upright citizens who believe in the rule of law and those who don’t are probably know-nothing elitists who hate democracy, freedom and punishing criminals.

In Maharashtra, possession, consumption or transportation of alcohol without a permit is illegal and can invite a fine up to fifty thousand rupees and/or a prison sentence for up to five years thanks to the Bombay Prohibition Act, 1949. In some states, you cannot keep more than two litres of liquor in your house. You cannot bring a copy of the Satanic Verses into the country because of a customs ban. Doordarshan has repeatedly used provisions of the Indian Telegraph Act 1865 to claim its right to broadcast all important sporting events in the country. In 2010, the Indian government used a provision of the IT act - which allows it to ban websites that threaten “the sovereignty or integrity of India, defence and security of the state” or that endanger “friendly relations with foreign states” – to briefly block an adult website displaying pornographic images in cartoon form. A website which displayed cartoons against corruption was refused hosting privileges by a service provider after a complaint by an official from the crime branch.

Yet, like good, obedient members of the proletariat, we have been led to believe that the police are not trying to harass us, they’re just doing their job. It’s the law, stupid! If only the law wasn’t structured in such a way, the police would not have to arrest you under sub-section Fuck(U) of the What You Looking At Punk Act, 1860.

The problem here is not just the bad laws in our books. It’s also the careful selection of which laws to enforce. Using the example of the raids conducted by the Right Honourable Captain Dhoble, how did those places skirting the law exist in the first place? Did they exist in a parallel dimension not hereto visible to honest, non-self serving police officers? Did they follow each and every law in the books in its letter and spirit until the day they were suddenly raided? What about raiding those people in the government who benefited from the very establishments who were allowed to function despite violating the law? Why aren’t those people paraded in front of news cameras for teevee viewers to cast their judgement on and tut-tut at the deploring state of morality in the country? It’s easy to bully juice vendors with hockey sticks. What about those establishments which flout a lot of laws but are spared because they are either owned by the politicians in power or by people close to them?

As anybody who has tried to run a business in this country will tell you, the law is structured in such a way that even if everything is in order you will be violating some asshole provision or the other. They will always find a loophole. A few weeks ago, I was at a popular market in Delhi when it was being raided by officials from a government department. These officials received ‘gift vouchers’ from all the shops in the market. As the owner of one of the shops later explained to me, if your papers are not in order, you pay fifty thousand rupees. If your papers are in order, you pay five thousand. You cannot conduct business in this country without having to give a bribe at one stage or the other. Anybody who thinks that should sign up for my very profitable home business in which all you have to do is sell some exclusive world class products and recruit lots of other people to do the same and then sit back and watch the money roll in and no it is not a pyramid scheme why do you ask?

We’ve had various law commissions over the decades who have recommended removing the old laws from the books. Some of these laws are older than AK Hangal! And yet they persist. They do so because they’re part of our government-industry complex. You’re going to have to take away those laws from the cold, retired hands of all those officers from the various government departments who have ‘invested’ a lot of money to be transferred to lucrative posts. The law is blind; and for those who can afford it, it’ll play dumb too.

Those who think just repealing the laws will fix the problem, please pick a number and get in line. A concerned official will be with you shortly.

Meanwhile, there are some exclusive products we would like to show you . . .

ZOMG, we're living in an Anurag Mathur novel!

So I go to sleep for almost a month to try and see what Rip Van Winkle was raving about and it seems that instead of waking up in the real world, I seem to have woken up in one of Anurag Mathur's satirical novels.

Let's look at the evidence:

Karan Johar had to apologize to Raj Thackray for essentially doing something which is guaranteed by the constitution. A little something called Right to Free Speech. So obviously in real life this would not have happened. In real life, the police would have stopped the rent-a-goons which disrupted the movie screenings. In real life, the Chief Minister of Maharashtra would not have gone on every news channel and said that Karan should have gone to the police. Because in real life, one doesn't need to ask the police to essentially do their duty. Because hasn't the Maharashtra government protected the North Indian taxi drivers and railway exam candidates from the MNS goons? And didn't they do a stellar job during 26/11? So this could never have happened in the real world.

Our minister of permanently getting his foot inside his mouth, Shashi Tharoor, got jealous because he had to give a speech on Gandhi Jayanti instead of sitting home and twatting on twitter. So he suggested that everyone should stop taking a day off on Gandhiji's birthday and instead should work like it's going out of fashion. Again, this would never happen in the real world because politicians should be the last people to give tips on "working hard". Because my grandmother does more work than these politicians and she's been dead for ten years. So this won't happen in the real world. Ever. And if it did, I would be giving Mr Tharoor the same advise I give my Aunt Nina when she wants to drunk-dial one of her ex-husbands. PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

Then our fearless government appointed liaison of corporate affairs, a bobble-head named Salman Khursheed, decided to appoint himself the UPA government's "pay-czar" and 'warned' the companies against 'vulgar' salaries & perks. That could never happen in the real world. Because if anyone knows about vulgar salaries & perks, it's the politicians. In the real world, people who get taxpayer's to pay for their house, their cars, their household help, their phones, their travelling expenses, their toilet paper, their food, their viagra, their hernia operation, their re-election expenses, the upkeep of their mistresses's and her family, would not shoot their mouth and accuse others of unnecessary expenses. This would never happen in the real world because didn't we learn during one of those 'moral science' classes that we must practice what we preach?

Of course when one is writing a satirical novel about India, how can the symbol of our national apathy and ability to procrastinate endlessly, Air India, be left behind? Because in real life, if there was a scuffle between the airline staff in mid-air, there would have been hell to pay and heads would roll. But during this chapter in the book, nothing happened except a few really creepy news reports. Also, in real life, the government would never invest billions of rupees in a company which has already lost billions of rupees. In real life, any company with such a bad business model would have been shut down. Unless of course, if it was a Wall Street bank. Because Wall Street banks are too big to fail. Even in a fictional novel. In real life, we need to do to Air India what we do to poor, useless old people. Euthanize it.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that pseudo-sanctimony is very funny. A movie, titled Indian Summer, based on the book of the same name, uses the backdrop of our Independence struggle while also depicting the personal lives of some of our 'esteemed' leaders, has faced a lot of artificial roadblocks while it is still in the pre-production phase. Somehow our 'fictional' government feels that this is against our 'culture' and deeply censors the movie to the point that it completely deviates from reality. That's because the fictional government doesn't want to let out the secret that even the leaders of our freedom movement had sexual intercourse, because that would make them lesser human beings and prove that immaculate conception is really a myth. In real life, this would be really, really ridiculous and people would actually not stand for such nonsense.

One of the funniest things about our political culture is the large amounts of sycophancy that is in the DNA of our politicians. So therefore in a satirical novel, no one would raise an eyebrow when the incompetent head of the Commonwealth games organising committee would suggest that the commonwealth games can be salvaged only by Rahul Gandhi. It would never happen in real life because anyone with even half a brain would realize that it would be suicidal to add nepotism to a project which has already been clusterfucked beyond any recognition.

Lastly, have you ever thought how hilariously funny it would be if the CBI suddenly decided to close the bofors case-file just because it has been too long? How can this even happen in real life? Because doesn't conventional wisdom tell us that the long hands of the law catch up to us one time or another? Where are The Hardy Boys when you actually need them! It's also really funny that the character who plays 'Minister of Law' in the book says that they stopped pursuing a case because it would be really sad to 'celebrate' the case's golden jubilee? Ha, ha. That is simply too funny to be true. I think Roman Polanski would agree with me on this one.

 

Therefore, I think it would be best if I back to sleep and hopefully wake up in the real, saner world.

 

 

Karan Johar’s apology a publicity stunt: Ashok Chavan [Indian Express]
Why is Gandhi Jayanti a holiday? [Times Now]
Salman Khursheed warns firms on "vulgar" top pay [Reuters India]
Air India speaks on cabin scuffle [BBC News]
Air India Estimates 50 Billion Rupees Loss This Year [WSJ India]
From saint to statesman [Mint]
Rahul Gandhi can be leader of Commonwealth Games: Kalmadi [TOI]
We did not want to celebrate golden jubilee of Bofors case [TOI]

Memo to Jayanti Natrajan

Over the past few days as I watched the media go into overdrive and make a mash of the post blast coverage, there is one particular incident which sums up a lot of things.

Shobha De, questioned the government and questioned Sonia Gandhi on one of NDTV's programs. Jayanti Natrajan was supposed to speak on behalf of the Congress.

Now, Ms. Natrajan's response, besides toeing the party line and having nothing to add to the discussion, also reveled the political class's attitude towards the country.

She said that "How can Shobha De question Sonia Gandhi?".

You know, while this statement although is of a single sentence, the tone it was said in reveals a lot about the speaker.

What Ms. Natrajan meant to say was "Oh, you're Shobha De. You write books which have awkward sex scenes and you drink alcohol. How can you question Sonia Gandhi, the personification of God Almighty, himself?"

This just in: We don't live in Iran and Ms. Gandhi is not the Ayotullah. She goes around every election time asking for our votes. Her party is "running" rather ruining our country's government. Shobha De is a tax paying citizen of this country. I may not agree with everything or anything she says, but she has every right to say it. Because we live in a democracy. Free speech is guaranteed by our constitution. Not only Shobha De can question Mrs G, her driver can question Mrs. G, the guy who cleans the toilets in the Taj can question Mrs G, Bhappi fucking Lahri can question Mrs. G. We, the people of this country can question anyone who runs for political office. Because you are answerable to us. Mrs G is answerable to us. Little G, Rahul is answerable to us. If we don't like the way things are run, we will question you. Just because we haven't done that for the past sixty one years, doesn't mean that you take us for granted.

We pay for Mrs. G security cover. She has been rightly granted Z security that because there was a death threat against her. Now, Ms Natrajan, every Indian has a death threat against them. We all need to feel secure. We can't make 500 black commandos following each and every citizen, but we need to know that one day when we step out to eat sushi, it shouldn't mean that we don't ever come back.

Another thing Ms Natrajan said was "Why doesn't Shobha De run for the Chief Minister"?

That's like pointing towards the sky. saying "Look there goes a bird" and running away.

This is not just about her attitude towards Shobha De. This sums up her attitude towards anybody who questions the government: How dare you?

Okay, I'll apply the same logic to you. Why don't you spend one day in our shoes? Why don't you and your ilk go around town without those 1900 gunmen?

I thought so. You wouldn't even last a minute.

So please go back to the fan club you call a national party.

Did you take your medication before you filed that report?

Okay. Maybe I'm not a zombie. Or maybe I do have a brain. Or maybe I stopped reading "Stuff white people like" after the tenth post. But what the hell is wrong with BBC's foreign journalists?

I happen to channel surf and I happened to catch a lady who must have had those funny brownies talk about chatter in Washington about the "fragile thread of India's democracy?"

Okay. Missy. This must come as news to you, and I didn't want to bring this up, but India's democracy does not wear a thong. And we would have had democracy a few hundred years before 1947 but we were caught up in a little independence war with YOUR ANCESTORS.

And before that thing CNN calls it's South Asia correspondent jumps on the bandwagon too, let me tell her one thing. When we elect someone to public office, the guy who gets the most votes WINS. And our Supreme court would never hand an election to a fifth grader.

Our politicians don't even go to school. How dope is that?

So stop telling us about democracy. We don't have lobbyists running our government.

Just a few murderers and criminals.

Anyways, what I mean to say is that stop treating everyone like your stepchild. We're the largest democracy for a reason.

We may be imperfect but we do not elect dangerous religious freaks to public office.

Err... Alright. you got me on the last one. My bad. It's not like he aided anyone in killing thousands of people.

Note to self: For the love of alcohol, stop!!


Anyways, what you co-members of the KFC-club need to do is, , to stop acting like you know better. You don't.

When you were attacked , you wiretaped and tortured your own citizens.

You suspended democracy to fight terror.

People in our country were voting WHILE one of their cities was under a terrorist attack.

That's how "resiliant" our democracy is.

Our villages may not have indoor plumbing and our cities may have long powercuts, but one thing we have that no one can take away is our democracy.

Also, our version of Idol sucks too.

Well, nobody's perfect.

'Watershed Moment?'; don't count on it . . .

A terrorist attack in our country which many have called the worst in history. For more than 60 hours, the whole nation was said to be in a nightmare. But the nightmare has just begun.

Many are calling this a watershed moment in our history. But the reality is different. In a few days, all will be forgotten because we are supposed to "move on". We are supposed to have a spirit of resilience. We are supposed to forget the fact that those pieces of scum merely walked into our country and took our people hostage and killed a lot of them mercilessly.

Oh yeah, let's blame the usual suspect. Politicians, police, and Pakistan. Of course, the home minister should resign. Of course, the government is weak on terror. Of course it's the intelligence failure.

People will denounce each other. Politicians will create a divide, and the families of those brave men and woman who lost their lives will look on with horror. Disenchanted with their country, with their leaders and with the people who inhabit this once great nation.

But we will still look on. We will still go back to living our lives. We will still play the blame game. We will still shrug and ask "Who shall we vote for?" and "What can a single person do?"

However, these excuses don't hold water. Throughout history, a single person has started movements which have changed the world for the better.If we don't like the people we vote for, we can at least demand they do something. If you are not a vote bank, you will be ignored. In our country, the educated masses watch helplessly as the people we elect to govern us pilferage and rape our country while we write editorials and shout on news channels.

Become a vote bank. Demand that our politicians either shape up or ship out.

We can look towards smaller countries like Indonesia and Nepal, who bought change. Change in a mostly peaceful manner.

We have seen that a large group of people can make a difference. Look at what happened in the Jessica Lal case. People stood together and each candle lit for Jessica was a candle lit for change and democracy.

Great nations are not built on blog posts, editorials or by waxing eloquence on news channels.

But, perhaps, the truth is that we aren't a great nation. Perhaps we are just a group of people, who reproduce like rabbits, and who are forced to live next to each other.

But when I look at those visuals of those brave policemen who went into a 21st century battle with 19th century weapons, not even blinking, I don't imagine they were of any religion or any caste. They were Indians. Those brave NSG soldiers didn't ask people for their caste before they rescued them. The brave hotel staff who gave up their lives, young and old, opening doors and taking bullets for their guests, did not think about getting TV time or about getting votes. Hidden amongst us, are people who unknowingly do heroic things. Without any hoopla. Without any expectations. Maybe that makes us great. Maybe that makes us a nation of people.

A bullet does not have any nationalty. A bomb does not kill members of a particular community. A terrorist does not discriminate between rich and poor.

No matter how much we deny or the excuses we make, we have a choice. A choice to make our government work for everybody. A choice to give value to each and every human life in a country of more than a billion.

We need to wake up and act now, otherwise, the terrorists will leave us incapable to do so.