The truth is nothing but a well produced marketing campaign

[Note: This is not a review of the new RGV film, Rann.  I haven't seen the film, and frankly I don't plan too.]

One thing that is apparent from the buildup to the new Ram Gopal Varma movie, Rann, is that Ram Gopal Varma hates the media.

Shocker! I know.

What makes me say that, you ask?

Well, if you haven't seen the thousands of of interviews he's given about 'hating the media', to the media then you must have seen him hold discussions with members of the cast of his movie, which was shown during prime time on the same "news" channels whose dubiousness he plans to expose. Or maybe you caught the press conference he held for journalists in which he told them how much he didn't care for them. Or maybe you are a journalist and were invited to the special screenings of his movie, which was held exclusively for journalists.

He's probably angry with the media for giving him so much coverage. I mean remember right after Rangeela and Satya the media anointed him as the master filmmaker?  And then, out of nowhere, they dropped him like a hot potato after the disastrous Sholay remake [in their own opinion RGV still stands by his masterpiece.] and those nineteen hundred Antra Mali movies. They called him a failed genius!

Him. The man who has the eye of Copola, the passion of Tarnatino and the raw cinematic vision of Hitchcock.

RGV will not play their game again!

He will also not be seduced by their current efforts to band him as "The Comeback Kid".

RGV will not be fooled by the media. Because he has seen the emperor and the emperor has no clothes!

What his "enemies" in the media have forgotten is that Ram Gopal Varma is an outsider. An outlier, as our friend Malcom Gladwell would say. 

That is why he only works with such small name actors like the Bachchans. And who has even heard of Paresh Rawal? The only "big star" who appears in his movies is Ritiesh Deshmukh, who, let's face it, only does Varma's movies for the friendship, as he is so busy otherwise, playing both male and female leads simultaneously!

Do you think Varma is in the business of making movies for the money?

Sheeple, please.

He is the personification of you, a brave everyman underdog trying to take on the system and show the truth behind the truth!

He does not care about how much business his movies do. That's just a bonus! He probably gives away all the profits, to charity!

He's just here to change society.

And don't you ever forget that!

Violent protests in India over something that happened in some other country

Today, riots erupted all over the country because something really awful happened in some country which most Indians, including this reporter, cannot even place on the map.

The details of the horrible events are very sketchy as of now, and more details are expected soon. No one really knows what actually happened, but everyone feels so strongly about it that they felt like burning or breaking something which does not belong to them.

Meanwhile, protestors all over the country have been destroying public property since the break of dawn. Till about mid-afternoon, 300 train compartments, 500 buses and a 1000 cars had been turned into scrap metal.

We asked a protestor in Delhi who was setting fire to a spanking new Volvo bus, the reason of his protest. He told us that he was dismayed by the lack of public transport.

Other protestors had their own reasons. A man was spotted breaking the windows of a luxury superstore. When we asked him why he was doing that, he said that his wife has been pestering him to get a new sofa for their living room and due to the recession he cannot afford any, this was the best way to get a new one. He then also stole our cameraman's equipment to help his son with his photography course.

A frequent protestor stopped us and gave the following statement, "I'm one of those people who will protest anything. Whether something even happened or not. Hell, we'll protest about stuff that takes place on television. The point is that we like to compensate for our lack of sexual expression by breaking stuff. It's just how we roll. When everyone is guilty, no one really gets caught".  If we hadn't recorded and published his statement, he threatened to "protest" outside our publication's office along with his merry band of protestors.

When asked to take stock of the situation, a newly appointed cabinet minister, who declined to be named, asked us to have some patience. "It's just a small protest involving thousands of people. They'll burn a few things down, destroy taxpayer property even though most of these protestors haven't ever paid any tax, hit people who had nothing to with the events that unfolded in some other country, and eventually will head home when they are tired. There's nothing much we can do".  He abruptly ended the interview when the reporter bent down to tie his shoe.

However, former home minister and future Provogue brand ambassador, Shivraj Patil, was visibly shaken and very upset. "This is a terrible tragedy and the government will investigate the matter and punish the perpetrators", he said, more of a reflex action than a meaningful statement. His tense mood could be gauged by the fact that he had changed his clothes more than five times since he first heard of the riots. He solemnly added that "This time, the pee on my clothes did not belong to my grandson".

The news channels were abuzz with activity since the morning. India TV showed images of the violence along with performances by stand-up comedians and predicted that this is the beginning of the end of the world, TimesNow somehow connected the event to Pakistan and blamed Arunadhiti Roy for being a frequent cause of such riots, everyone at NDTV was so outraged that all they showed were commercial breaks and the various anchors at CNN-IBN were so damn loud that one could hear them even after muting the volume.

State-run television, Doordarshan, was showing an old documentary about Mahatma Gandhi, which highlighted how his methods of non-violent protests were adopted by successful movements all over the world.

If you don't agree with what Dick Cheney says, he will fucking shoot you in your fucking face

The world's scariest politician and pseudo-human, former Vice President Dick Cheney, continues his "Since you voted for the Muslim terrorist you're all going to die" media tour.

In an interview on Tuesday he said that

. . . We successfully defended the nation for seven-and-a-half years against a follow-on attack to 9/11,” he said. “That was a remarkable achievement. Nobody would have thought that was possible, but it was. I believe it was possible because of the policies we had in place, which they're now dismantling.

Lets examine how exactly did cyborg Cheney and his Dick army keep America safe:

a) By torturing people who had nothing to do with 9/11
b) By invading a country which had nothing to do with 9/11
c) By supporting a dictator under whose reign a possibility of another 9/11 increases
d) By outing a CIA agent (to settle a personal score with her husband) who was investigating a country which had actual WMD's hence indirectly contributing to the possibility of another 9/11 type attack [click here]
e) Using the Iraq war to benefit his personal fortune as well as all his sugar-daddies [click here & here]

Of course, in Dick Cheney's world, waterboarding is not torture, it's a simply an "enhanced interrogation technique". Just like instead of calling Dick Cheney an asshole, one can simply refer to him as an "instrument of spreading regurgitated crap". [click here]

When asked whether he listens to critics who accuse him of being, well, a dick, he said that:

Cheney also dismissed criticism that he has gone overboard in his attacks against the new administration. “I don't pay a lot of attention to what the critics say, obviously,” Cheney said.

Because, you know, according to conservatism, listening to your critics turns you gay.

No matter that more than sixty percent of the American public rejected his way of life, and less than twenty percent of Americans identify as Republican, and everyone else on earth thinks this guy should be put out to pasture, but, Dick Cheney believes that everyone just needs to be more like Dick Cheney.

“I personally am a conservative Republican,” he said. “I obviously believe in my philosophy, and I think that's the basis upon which we have to build any resurgence of our party. I think we will, but I think we'll do it by being true to our principles, not becoming more like the Democrats.”
Asked if he believed the Republican Party would become isolated if it followed his route, the former vice president said simply “no.”

Yes, you and the people who enable you Mr Cheney, are nothing short of war criminals. Not only the policies that you have followed have made America and the world less safer, your bankrupt ideology has caused millions of people to lose their lives and millions of others to be denied their rights. But we take heart in the fact if you keep up what you are doing, in a few years, you and your party will have self destructed and disappeared into a whites-only country club. Just like your former boss.

Hey, don't take my word for it.

Open letters

To,

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

When you actually have to say something multiple times, it implies that it isn't true. By repeating to every person you meet that "you're not weak", it ends up having the completely opposite effect. It further adds to their belief that you are weak. To keep on repeating something which is not a fact isn't going to make it come true. (Ref. Bush administration Iraq-WMD evidence)

If you want to prove to the world that you aren't the most weak person ever in a list which includes VP Singh and IK Gujral, then I would suggest that you either fire one or your ministers or release "secret" footage of you crushing a Heineken beer can with your bare hands.

To,

Prakash Karat,

If you are hell bent on renegotiating every treaty we ever signed, can you first please renegotiate your head out of your ass? Thanks.

To,

LK Advani,

You're not Barack Obama. Just because you put online adds, and thanks to google's user-surly targeted adds system, they appear on every goddamn site we visit,  we're not going to think that you're Barack Obama. You're more than eighty years old. Everything from the talkies to colour television was invented AFTER you were born. So, just because you start a blog doesn't mean we're going to be able to connect with you.

Although, please consider a request. For the love of everything good in the world, please, never open a twitter account. Thanks.

To,

Conspiracy theorists,

If you want to prove that Rahul Gandhi is "Raoul" and Priyanka is "Bianca" then please produce some actual evidence. Not everything that is printed on the internet is true. You do know that you can use google to search for things other than porn & detailed instructions on building a nuclear weapon in your secret science lab in the basement, don't you?

To,

MK Karunanidhi,

A bandh never makes sense. It makes even less sense when YOU are in the frikin government. Only in India do politicians hold demonstrations against themselves. Oh, and by the by, what happened? Did you suddenly run out of telegrams? You could have sent one to yourself instead of pretending to close a whole city.

To,

J Jayalalitha,

When you say that you have the country's best interest in your mind, how do you keep a straight face and not be all "LMAO, y'all".

Also, do you think we really believe you when you say that?

You do?

LMAO.

To,

Susan Boyle,

Oh Susan! What have you done to yourself? We want you to look frumpy. We want your bad eyebrows back. We want you to look like something a drunk Scottish cat dragged in. That is because then we can feel wonderful about the fact that, for once, we appreciated someone for their "inner beauty". Whatever that is.

p.s. Your semi-makeover makes you look like Hyacinth Bucket.

Blogging, Indian Culture and that damn Julia Roberts

So I was watching an NDTV program called "We the people" where the topic of discussion was well, strangely blogs. Now, most of the non-bloggers there appeared to have no knowledge about blogging. The quotes from such people were horrendous. However, one thing that really hit me was this constant use of the words "Indian Culture". Nothing gets me more riled up than the use of these words, I agree. But tell me why does this have to pop up in everything that we do? Does a simple thing like blogging have to pass through the litmus test of Indian culture? I was reading a few comments that were sent by some people through SMS to the TV station and a lot of them were based around the same theme of blogging on being based on Indian culture. It's just so preposterous that everything is seen as a threat to Indian culture. It's not only blogging. All kinds of media, music, movies even the internet is seen as against Indian culture.

OOHHHH ... Rock Music ... against Indian culture, English/Spanish/Belgian movies, against Indian culture, the Oscars, against Indian culture. What's this obsession we have about Indian culture? Do we even know what Indian culture is? Do these self-imposed guardians of Indian culture even realize how our culture came about and what our culture is?
By just following some hypocritical Victorian values do we confirm ourselves to be the true followers of Indian culture?

I mean look at what the religious right does on valentines day? No, No, No, alien culture. Corrupts the minds of our Indian children. Not that I like valentines day, but how can the expression of love be against Indian culture? Two people who love each other, just want to share a few cards, flowers and some chocolate. Are they percolating through some imaginary door that they are not supposed to?

According to such intelligent guardians of Indian culture, children are not supposed to choose who they marry or love because well they don't know but a group of middle aged, pot bellied people (called parents), who are out of touch with the realities of the real world, who don't give a rat's ass about what the children are looking for in a mate, can decide who they spend the rest of their life with. It doesn't matter that they two people spend the rest of their lives bickering and unhappy, but NO, NO, choosing a mate is against Indian culture.

What makes one think that parents know what is best for the child? Indian children are taught from the day they are born that they are the exclusive property of their parents/grandparents/uncles/chachas/mamas etc. etc. They have to respect them because they are elder, they have to obey them because they are older to them in their age, they even have to touch older people's feet. Why? Because it is our culture? Indian children are supposed to study what their parents think is appropriate, work where their parents think is best for them, get married to a person whom their parents think is perfect for them and have children when thier parents start yearning for grandchildren. Any deviation from this plan is considered a violation of our sacred Indian culture. Ohhhhh ... You married outside your caste ....... you bought shame to our family ... Ohhhhh .. you have a boyfriend ...... nice girls don't think about love, nice girls think about chappatis and kids and knitting woolen clothes. Speaking up against injustice is considered a violation of Indian culture.

Our culture reeks of oppression, submission and unhappiness. It is no wonder that most of our nation is unhappy. The parents are unhappy because their parents did not let them do what they wanted to and their children not listen to them.

The reason given for this unhappiness by our priests and politicians is the influence of the west. It's that damn Julia Roberts. Putting such bad bad thoughts into our children's sacred head. Bad Bad thoughts about love, bad bad thoughts about happiness, of seeking your aim in life. Teaching our children that there is a world beyond marriages, relatives, society, neighbors, relatives, in-laws. Damn you Julia Roberts and our whole democratic party voting Hollywood. Damn you. You teach our little girls about freedom. You will rot in hell.

You self righteous westerners telling us about human rights and toilet paper. You think you scare us with your nuclear weapons. Look at us. You hit us we will destroy Bangladesh and Pakistan. look at our might. We can now hit a moving chilli-chicken thela in Shenzen. Keep your breast baring Halle Barry. In India, women are not supposed to have breasts. Even if they do, they should be well hidden from leering eyes. They should not be even shown to a woman's husbands. They are evil. The twin towers of evil, if you must. Indian women do not have any breasts. Period. And they also do not have any periods. Indian women are devoid of periods. All this educative talk of "cloth is for curtains" is against our Indian culture. Damn you Hollywood. You with your rap musicans. Those bloody rappers. Against our culture. Puting bad bad thoughts about bitches and ho-es in the heads of our children. We do not have ho-es in our country. And is that what you do to bitches you perverts. You Americans. Stop spreading your poison.

So can we not talk about Indian culture at the drop of a hat. If our Indian culture is so weak, then how come that damn Julia Roberts can break it so easily?