The way we live now: The Internet in 2010

With every new internet application that becomes popular (Twitter! Facebook! Chatroulette!), there are millions of pixels written about the said phenomena. Almost all the “good” reporters write articles or do teevee news reports about how “<insert name of new web application>” is either ruining the internet and/or is a new revolutionary way to communicate with each other. (Except at Slate magazine of course, where I’m pretty sure that they’ve either written or are currently writing an article about how email is still the world’s most important “killer-app”).

Now, traditional journalists are not that fond of the internet as they claim to be. For them, the internet is sort of a bête noire. They may pretend to embrace it, but in most cases they simply come across as people devoid of any understanding of it whatsoever. Whenever they talk about the “new media” you can almost spot the froth coming out of their mouths. They can’t even know where to begin to understand the internet (to be fair, no one can. Maybe that is the beauty of the internet? OMG, we made an observation! And since it’s not on an old media platform, it probably doesn’t count!), but they bravely continue to talk about it. With embarrassing results.

The Internet in 2010: It knows everything. Just like that obnoxious kid in school.

Now here is the internet’s most common phenomena:

(a) Person A writes something and puts in on the internet.

(b) A large amount of people agree & disagree with Person A’s opinion

(c) Some snarky blogger links to Person A’s article/post and metaphorically tears it into pieces

(d) Person A writes post about how everyone who didn’t agree with them misunderstood them and/or the internet is full of mean and rude people.

The Internet in 2010: Just like your abusive ex-boyfriend. Nothing you do is ever going to be good enough.

Journalists' pride themselves in being the “first chroniclers” of history. However, nowadays, apparently, anybody with a computer and ability to type thinks “their opinion matters more than that of a journalist!” Silly idiots! How dare they think that? Thanks to the damn internet, the first chronicle of history will be by some stupid un-important person who doesn’t even have a teevee or dead-tree magazine gig and didn’t even go to some fancy journalism school.

Now, for a moment, imagine if you could read Cleopatra’s first person blog (Fuck like an Egyptian), how would you be able to figure out what she was saying? Would you have guessed that when she posted about her epic orgies with a Roman general named “Mark A”, she was referring to Roman general Mark Anthony? How would you be able to put two and two together, without the help of a journalist? How would you know that she was the first woman to ever get vajazzled?

And would Shakespeare have even bothered to write “Julius Caesar” if he found out that Caesar's death was caused by an harmless frat prank? Would there even be a “Caesar salad” if people thought that the man’s last words were “Don’t Ice me, bro”?

The Internet in 2010: Ruining history for future generations

The internet is a lot of things to lot of people. It even helps people create their own reality. Whether you want to still believe that the earth is flat, or that Paul is dead, there is an app for that. There is no universal truth anymore. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. And as it turns out, to their own facts. You don’t have to believe anything you don’t want to. And only on the internet can you have a second life, even if you don’t have a first one.

The Internet in 2010: Your own personal echo chamber

On the internet, opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one.

You may think that you’re smart, funny and insightful, but there is someone on the internet who is smarter, funnier and plenty more insightful than you will ever be. For every person who likes what you say, there are ten who think that you are full of crap.

The choice here is between speaking your mind or not saying anything at all.

If you think that anyone owes you respect because of whatever, well, just remember that on the internet no one gives a shit who you are.

To paraphrase some dude, The internet owes you nothing. It was here first.

The Internet in 2010: We’re all like a bunch of monkeys trapped in a cage. You can duck all you want, but one of these days you’re going to end up with shit on your face. The best you can do is to wipe it off and hope that no one figures out that the stench is coming from you.

Welcome to the offense economy

Are you one of them lazy fucks who wants to get famous but don't want to do the hard work like suck up to judges in a reality show? Do you want to be the self-appointed & self-righteous spokesperson for millions of other people who don't want you to speak on their behalf? Are you mentally unstable and have family and/or intimacy issues? Have you never spoken to someone outside your immediate family? Do you like Jackie Shroff movies?

Then do we have an offer for you!

Welcome to the offense economy, where everything is made up and the issues don't matter!

Just like everything else, to succeed in the offense economy, you need (a) A determination to succeed despite all the odds (b) Psychopathic tendencies (c) An ability to say the most vile things, without any remorse whatsoever.

If you got that, then we have the tools to help you achieve your goal!

Now, let's start with the basics. Here is an outline of how the offense economy works:

You do something stupid --> You get a large amount of time on teevee --> The people who own the teevee channels make money --> They keep talking about you --> You get undue influence    --> You keep doing more stupid things --> They keep talking about you --> They make more money --> You get more undue influence --> *∞

Confused? Need more explanation?

Let us break it down for you.

Now, understand and memorize (where applicable) all the steps involved in achieving our goal:

1. Choose something to be angry about. It could be anything. A book, a TV show, a movie, a group on Orkut, a few dozen people having fun in a bar, anything that gets your goat (or doesn't. You don't have to be actually offended, you just have to pretend that you are. Everyone else will play along).

2. Make sure it's a slow news day (which is almost everyday, except the days India has a cricket match or Shah Rukh Khan has a movie out. Don't even try to go against Shah Rukh Khan, because no one can ever beat him at famewhoring!).

3. After you've selected your target, gather a few dozen out of work people like you, and start protesting by breaking/burning stuff up. For eg: If it's a bookshop, attack the shop and tear some books. If it's a movie you don't like, attack the theatre. If it's a television show you are fake-outraged by, go attack their local office etc.

4. Before you attack your target, make sure that you alert a few news channels about the
"unorganised" expression of "outrage". This is the most important step. Don't worry about the news channels ignoring you. That will never happen, no matter how silly your protest.

5. After the footage of you and your fellow "protestors", has been canned, give out your phone number and go home and prepare the rant that you will be giving to the tv "news" shows later.

6. Make sure your rant is as vile and as threatening as possible. Pepper your speech with liberal (ha!) doses of "We will not let _____ hurt the sentiments of our _______ community" and "This _____ is against our _____ culture". That is very important, because once you say that, no government will touch you because any government in India literally shits bricks at the thought of protecting free speech. Yes, they are pussies in that department. They only pick on easy, elitist targets!

7. Millions of outraged Indians will protest your actions through twitter & facebook status messages. Hey, you might even trend on twitter (due to which many thousands of proud Indians will point out how instead of Justin Beiber, an Indian topic is trending ZOMG!). Someone might even write a blog post which while masquerading as satire, will basically be a rant having a huge undercurrent of cynicism! But you probably don't even know what these things are, so why bother learning about them?

Now, remember that each event you stage will get you about a week or two of coverage. Three if you're lucky.

The following is a timeline of the events:

Week 1

This week will consist of various one-on-one interviews. You can pick and choose your appearances. Make sure that you choose more hindi/local language channels because they would be more sympathetic to your cause. English channels should only be used when you want to scare people further. The hosts of these programs will help you immensely because they have perfected the art of feeding lines to their interview subject while simultaneously acting outraged. It's modern art, really. Remember, do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, try to sound reasonable. That will destroy your buzz before you can say Halla Bol!

Week 2

After week 1, your role is over. Week 2 will revolve around how free speech in India is dead, thanks to people like you. Do not appear on ANY panel discussion during this time. Instead, the news channels will schedule other people with extreme points of view to argue against/on your behalf. Sit back on your sofa, grab a box of popcorn and enjoy the ride. Throughout the week, prime time news will being focusing on you and your actions. Barkha Dutt will call a few guests and ask them the same question in different words, Arnab Goswami and Suhel Seth will spend the whole time interrupting each other, Rajdeep & Sagarika will continue to shout at the camera and whatishisname at Headlines Today will continue to look like someone permanently attached his eyebrows to the top of his forehead so that he could continue to have an always-on exasperated expression.

Week 3

If you've managed to keep yourself in the news for this long based on a single incident, then well done! You must have done something really, really vile! If you didn't, well, next time try harder? Now, since most of the mileage that they could gather from your story has been gathered, the coverage during week 3 will be in the form of we-the-people type weekend shows. Here, a panel discussion will take place along with an audience. Most of the same points that have been repeated for the past two weeks, will get a final airing. However, before the end of the show, an audience member will say something emotional & patriotic (like "Be an Indian first" etc.) which will be useless and bullshit-y, but will make everyone in the audience applaud like crazy. The anchor of the show will then close the show on a somber but surprisingly happy note. And then everyone will go back home, until they are called on to do the same thing again.

There. CONGRATULATIONS! You're now a bonafide famewhore. A celebrity.

Your name will live on in infamy.

At least until the next guy who does the same thing!

The 'Rahul Gandhi' is everyone's new favourite dance step!

So the new Rajnath Singh, Nitin Gadkari went to have lunch at a colleague's house, and it made the national news.

There are so many things wrong with that. Let's do a point by point thingie (or as purists call it  'bullet point analysis'. I call it 'thingie' cause it's amateurish & childish. Just like me!) to explain.

1. Unless Rahul Gandhi INVENTED politics, or 'pulling a Rahul Gandhi' is a new dance move which involves doing the hustle in your Kurta, no one can pull a 'Rahul Gandhi'. Every politician who requires points for his 'imma-son-of-the-soil' marksheet does this. In fact, in the book "Beginners guide in how to be a son-of-the-soil politician", this is probably Chapter 1 (Go eat in a poor person's house). Or maybe I'm wrong and even MK Gandhi was 'doing a Rahul' when he did this more than sixty years ago. Or maybe even those stuffy politicians in Europe, who were doing this in the 1800s were pulling a "Rahul Gandhi'. Who knows, really?

2. Eating a meal at a poor person's house is nothing but theatric symbolism. It sounds so good, "Oh Mah Gawd, he went and literally ATE at a poor person's house!! Literally!! The Horror! Must vote for him next time!" Don't they see the unintentional bigotry involved in this? Just by eating a small meal in their house, does it make you understand the years of their struggle? Does a white light emerge from the back of your head and you suddenly become aware of years of oppression your 'hosts' had to face? This is even worse than when Mayawati builds a statue of herself and tells all her poor, suffering voters "This pigeon-bait is going to solve all your problems! Thee should now rejoice, and haveth some cake!". Hey, at least she doesn't make them pay for lunch!

3. Don't the reporters have anything better to do than sit around watching a fat guy eat? Do the reporters who 'report' on such 'symbolic luncheons' actually believe what they are saying? If they do, would you actually want someone like that 'reporting' on the 'news'? If they don't and still go on about it, would you actually want someone like that 'reporting' on the 'news'? If I ask so many questions, does it make me sound like a certain anchor of a 9PM news-show? If it does, then will someone volunteer to kill me?

 

Gadkari does a Rahul, has lunch in Dalit's house [Rediff News]
Nitin Gadkari does a Rahul, has lunch in Dalit's house [DNA India]

A treasury of classical greatest twitter hits from Sagarika Ghose

Famous crazy person, Sagarika 'Shouty' Ghose, who screams from inside your teevee every night, also has a twitter machine, which is full of comedic gold.

Here are a few selected classics:

Here, Ms. Ghose appears to be apologizing to a movie, for leaving a stain on it's coffee table, perhaps?

She loves Dan Brown. Now her whole 'reporting' makes sense.

OMG, she JUST discovered the subject for the next Dan Brown best-seller!!1! The HOLY GRAIL of Global Warming! It's almost orgasmic, for Dan Brown fans!!!

Yes, because the temperature changes are only happening in the West. Having a heat wave and a cold wave in the same frikin year signifies that mother nature is simply trying to be fair in choosing the method with which to kill homeless people. And who knows better about the science behind global warming than an economist?

*Facepalm*

Yes. And Ms. Ghose, who is the daughter of Bhaskar Ghose, famous I&B secretary, and wife of Rajdeep Sardesai, her boss, is clearly against nepotism. Well, done maa'm. Well, done.

Those goddamn poors do not know how to behave. They should just behave like good poor people and be happy that they have got the opportunity to study in a "foreign" University. A "journalist" like "Sagarika" "Ghose" will not "stand" for such "behaviour". ( I might have "overdone" with the quotation marks. "Sorry".)

She will single-handedly kill Haldirams and all it's thousands of branches, by not gracing it with her benign presence.

I am willing to bet good money that she talks to her plants. And by talking I mean SHOUTING ON THE TOP OF HER VOICE. Her plants are not not growing because of the season, THEY ARE SCARED & AFRAID THAT SHE WILL TALK TO THEM, EVERYDAY!

I hadn't read this tweet before I posted the previous one. Honest!

Yes, bollywood is famous for such Bohemian and Liberal movies such as DDLJ, HAHK, K3G etc. Because nothing says liberal like movies which 'empower' woman by portraying them as pawns in the hands of men. And those crazy Bohemian movies, which portray children who don't obey every single directive from their parents as evil! Also, Alok Nath's career, for some reason.

 

Yes, it's so great that she can win a debate against a straw man. It's such an accomplishment to offend people that are looking for something to be offended at!! Bravo, Ms. Ghoss! Bravo!!

Childish name calling and generalising is such a great way to win an argument. Grouping and stereotyping your opponents on the basis of religion is the same bullshit tactic that is used by the very people she pretends to stand against. Using your soapbox to score brownie points against people with whom you have a political disagreement with is simply the way of the coward.

Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! Comparisons!! My turn! If Sagarika Ghose is India's Sarah Palin. then Rajdeep Sardesai is it's John McCain. If Sagarika Ghose offends you, then you probably must be stupider than she is. If you watch Sagrika on teevee everyday, there is a 1000% chance of you becoming suicidal.

 

[Tweets via Sagarika Ghose's Twitter feed]

NBC is like the Shivraj Patil of American television

The greyest lady of all in newsbusiness, the New York Times, is to start charging people for reading their online edition from 2011. Which is funny because by 2011 we'll all be getting our news from the twitter client embedded in our brain. [Mediabistro]

The people of Massachusetts elected a crazy, wingnutty cosmo centerfold to replace Ted Kennedy in the US Senate. This gives the Republicans a 41-59 majority, which will somehow finally kill the world in 2012. Just like the Mayans predicted. [Gawker]

The Italian Prime Minister (aka the ND Tiwari of Europe) could even teach Indian politicians a thing or two about having your cake and eating it too. [WashPost]

Famous teevee journalist who writes books about food and hosts shows about getting stuff  custom made for yourself, thinks that bloggers and twatters are elitists. [Vir Sanghvi via FlyYouFools]

Shivraj "Crazy McPants" Patil and his extensive wardrobe are being rewarded for their performance as India's best minister of 'home' by being made Governor of Punjab. After this was announced, Patil, as is his habit, announced that "we will ensure that the perpetrators of this horrible incident will be caught and bought to justice". And then he wet his pants.  [Zee News]

Good news for all those stuck in the office because you don't really want to spend time with your significant other. The IPL will now be broadcast for free on You Tube. This will be even better than the teevee broadcast because you won't have to hear Ravi Shastri's "commentary" & "analysis" during the match. Another #win for the internets.  [Techie Buzz]

The NBC late-night show brouhaha is not just good for a few jokes, it's also a good business lesson. You can use this to make a PPT for the next company 'retreat' (if you work for a company which has enough money to have one) and sound all cool and zeitgesty. And if you really want the presentation to be a hit, make sure to end by making a joke about Jay Leno's huge chin. [WSJ]

Finally, in case you haven't already heard, Bill Gates joined twitter. He gets followed 208 times per minute. He also makes millions of dollars per minute. I fear that this is headed towards the all new Bill-Gates-will-donate-a-million-dollars-to-charity-for-every-follower-he-has spam meme. Kidding. He will probably give all his followers a free copy of Windows 7!  [PC Mag]

This bird has nine lives!

It's that time of the month again, when our minister of talking to scary foreign people, Tweety Tharoor, says something with some amount of truth (or as journalists call it, a "gaffe") and everyone catches fire. Usually he uses his satanic smart phone to cause a national uproar, this time he gave a speech at the Pravasi Bharat Divas (aka the annual meeting of the Narendra Modi fan club). So while everybody rehashes the Shashi Tharoor-flashes-someone-on-twitter meme into the Shashi Tharoor-disrespects-the-olds meme, and ends up blowing blows hot air up each other's asses, here's what they really mean to say:

The Media: ZOMG! We can't really do any real reporting because all the people who fuck with the country's resources have got us by the balls, but hey look Shashi Tharoor said something. Haha, this guy is like a gift who keeps on giving. STOP THE PRESSES!!! WE GOT A FRONT PAGE HEADLINE FOR TOMMOROW!! LOOK, OUR EDITOR JUST CAME IN HIS PANTS!! OR DON'T BECAUSE THAT IS JUST GROSS!!

The INC(I): How dare someone have an opinion on anything? Doesn't he realize that the Congress is like an army of pods? We are only allowed to think those thoughts which have been downloaded into our brains by either Soniajee Madam or Rahuljee "baba". Everything else is blasphemy. Wait, what do you mean Shashi Tharoor wrote a book spoofing both Nehru and Gandhi? When did that happen? DID SOMEONE TELL MADAM? Don't worry, I think we know who our next Ambassador to Yemen is going to be!

The Shashi Tharoor: Me . . . Me . . . Look at me . . . Imma reach out to y'all. Love me, follow me, read my son's articles, BUY MY BOOKS!!1!! MEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee . . . . . Gimme a T, gimme a H, gimme an A . . . ~ . . . 

The people in Fake India: OMFG! SRK IS ON TWITTER! Now we can see how seriously he
takes himself behind the facade of self-depreciation!

The people in Real India: I can haz blanket?

 

[Pic via Goofy Duck]
NRI voting: PM holds out hope, Tharoor picks holes in bill [HT]

Tharoor criticises Nehru's 'moralistic' foreign policy [DNA]
I was misquoted on Nehruvian policy: Tharoor [Zee News]

The future is finally here: Scientifically accurate predictions for the next awful ten years of your life

Even though the jury is still out on whether this is technically the start of the new decade or not, we are simply going to ignore all that and just like the mainstream media do whatever the hell we want to. Since everyone and their mother have summed up the last decade in hundreds of nauseating ways, we thought that we would channel the dead spirit of nostradamus (and the people who were pretty darn sure that Iraq had WMD's) and just like them, based on absolutely nothing, come with predictions which might or might not be true. Who really knows or cares because isn't everything printed on the internets the gospel truth?

The decade will start by forcing everyone who wants to travel in an airplane to basically travel nude because some dipshit who got tired of scamming people by pretending to be the son of a deposed prince and then wanted to blow up his crotch to prove a point which no one really knows (or as Joe Liberman put it, 'preemptive War on any Muslim sounding country'). Since no luggage will be provided, airlines will try to recoup their losses by charging people with large body parts more money under 'extra baggage'. Emo kids and reality teevee stars will also be asked to pay double, due to their large amount of emotional baggage.

If no celebrities will die then Larry king will get Nancy Regan to séance with Michael Jackson's ghost in which he will finally confess to being a white catholic Republican lady in disguise. This will ensure that Jebus forgives all his 'alleged' child-porn sins.

The oracle of hope, President Obama, will win the 2012 election by default because Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin will end up inadvertently shooting each other in their Last Hunter Standing match at Wrestlemania, which would be held to decide the nomination for the Republican candidate.

The green movement in Iran will finally win their fight for electoral reform. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will escape to America where he will be hired as a contributor to Fox News wherein his only task would be to appear on the screen for five minutes during the Glenn Beck show and make scary faces while continuously shouting "Death to Diet Bagels".

Sometime during the decade, Arnab Goswami will get tired of shouting at the camera and decide to take matters into his own hand and will invade Pakistan along with Farook Dhondy and Suhel Seth.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari will gay-marry Hussain Sharrif so that their love-child, Benazir Bilawal Asif Nawaz Hussain Zardari Bhutto Sharif, will become the youngest President of Pakistan.

Manmohan Singh will cite 'health grounds' and Jayanti Natrajan's body odour in his resignation letter to future astronaut and current President, Prathibha Patil, which will pave the way for Rahul Gandhi to become Prime Minister of both the India's, the 'real one' (which only exists in Madhur Bhandarkar movies) and the 'fake one' (which only exists in Karan Johar movies).

96 year old ND Tiwari will become the Governor of India's 137th state, which will solely consist of all the children he has 'allegedly' illegally sired over these years. He will continue to have orgies in the Governor's mansion.

However, all the screwing will stop when Narendra Modi and his merry band of non-voting NRI's, who will make it compulsory for everyone to vote for them, take over and no one will ever have sex in India ever again.

Have a great decade, people! If this doesn't make you look forward to it, I don't know what will.

Even Rocket Singh cannot save the newspaper industry

India's favourite bussinessy "newspaper", The Economic Times, which a lot of retired old men read so that they can impress their wives and each other's wives by using words like "derivatives" and  "quant fund", brings you the most important breaking business news story of the day:

Bollywood's latest offering "Rocket Singh - Salesman Of The Year" is going great guns in the US with its review currently the number one most read movie story on the New York Times site.

The NUMBER ONE article on the NY Times website? YOU DON'T SAY!! OMFG, this must mean that Ranbir Kapoor will win an Oscar this year, for looking like a bearded version of his Mom!!!

Great! So do we have any numbers to back up those claims? Any box office receipts, revenue collections, anything?

In an equally flattering review, Film Journal International says: "David-and-Goliath workplace drama from India goes unexpected places, and hits satisfying chords."

OMFG, AGAIN!! They compared the movie to a biblical story! This is even BETTER than the Oscars! We'll ignore the fact that the sentence is full of so many grammatical errors.

Rocket Singh, FTW!!

But seriously, where are the numbers? Aren't you the friggin' Economic Times? Shouldn't your assumption be based on the, errrr, ummmm,*ahem*, economics? Just sayin'.

Okay. Fine. Let's just find proof of your obviously accurate assumption using teh googlez.

When a Bollywood movie grosses less than a Harman Baweja film in the opening weekend at the box office, there are only two words in the English language to describe its miserable fate: EPIC DISASTER.

Yes, folks.

Ranbir Kapoor’s Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year has fared miserably at the U.S. box office.

So bad that even Harman Baweja’s What’s Your Rashee had a higher opening gross ($169,005).

Epic disaster? Even sad little Harman Baweja's movie fared better?

You must be kidding me!!

This can't be right. EVERYONE IS READING THE REVIEW ON THE NEW YORK TIMES WEBSITE. HOW CAN THIS NOT TRANSLATE TO SUCCESS AT THE BOX OFFICE??

Hmpfh.

You must be lying.

Let's ask someone who knows what they are talking about.

What do you say, self-important movie critic, Taran Adarsh?

The keenly anticipated Rocket Singh - Salesman of the Year has emerged a gigantic disappointment in the key international markets. The film is one of the lowest openers of Yash Raj in U.K. and America, which has come as a rude shock for the entire industry. The opening weekend of Rocket Singh - Salesman of the Year should've been huge in these territories because Yash Raj movies, generally, open very well in the international markets and also because there's a sizable Punjabi population in U.K. and Canada-America.

Gigantic disappointment? Even in Canada-America, which is not a REAL COUNTRY! WTF?

But how can The Economic Times not give us an accurate picture?

First Tiger Woods.

Now The Economic Times.

Is there anybody left in this world who I can trust?

 

Oh, wait.

Maybe there is. [click here]

 

Rocket Singh going great guns in US [ET]
Rocket Singh - Epic Disaster at Box Office [Search India Blog]
Rocket Singh is a colossal disaster overseas [One India]
Movie Review - Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year [NYT]

Manmohan Singh to visit the US to have awkward conversations of epic proportions

Now that President Obama is all grown up and is allowed to have friends over for the whole night,  he couldn't have invited a guest more polite than Manmohan Singh. Mr Singh probably never leaves wet towels lying around, makes his own bed and would rather starve than raid the host's fridge at midnight. Also, I think he would bring a better gift than the usual ferrero rocher chocolates that the other guests bring.

Anyways, as luck would have it, the Indian PM is Obama's first "official state guest". Ha ha, suck on that, Japan. Obama may bow down to your make-believe emperor, but he's only got eyes for the land of karma. This has impressed all our bureaucrats at South Block and our journalists, because both these groups of people have hearts of little teenage girls and all they want is for someone to make them feel special and whisper sweet nothings into their ear. Over the next few weeks, we will see countless panel discussions and read a zillion articles on how the US has finally de-hyphenated the South Asia desk and now simply hyphenates both Afghanistan & Pakistan together, affectionately referring to both those countries as Clusterfuckistan. This must mean that we finally get to play in the same room as the five veto-powered 'superpowers' whenever one of our schoolchildren visit the UN. We now probably have the same power over the other countries of the world that the BCCI has over the ICC. Pretty soon we will have our own little domestic United Nations, based on the IPL, which we can let Shashi Tharoor head so that he finally gets his childhood wish fulfilled.

However, sadly, this might never come true. That's because due to some unforeseen circumstances like reality, the US and India don't really have a lot of common goals anymore. Both countries view the world with a different prism. The US wants the rest of the world to call it Zen Master Popeye and India just wants everyone to get along and watch musical movies which make no sense unless you suspend logical thinking completely.

There are other tight 'knots' in this friendship band too. The US continues to fight the war on terror on two wrong fronts, while ignoring the real root of the problem in Pakistan. The US also want India & Pakistan to resolve the Kashmir issue which New Delhi doesn't see happening anytime soon, because in reality there is no one in the Pakistani establishment who sees a benefit in making peace with India and no one in the Indian government has hypnotic powers.

Both India and the US are on different sides on the issue of reducing carbon emissions. There doesn't seem to be an urgency in India to 'save the environment' because (a) There are very few out and open Lesbian-hippies in India and (b) the Indian news channels haven't yet shown a "news" report about the environment accompanied by scary, armageddonesque music. So we focus on other pressing issues of the day, like reality shows. 

The only thing India and the US really sorta agree on is the Indo-US nuclear deal, which, it seems, hasn't really been completed yet. Although we've signed agreements for civilian nuclear power with other members of the NSG like France, Russia and Canada. Canada! The Indo-US nuclear deal is like the worst will-they, won't they sitcom storyline ever.

So when President Obama and Prime Minister Singh sit down mano-a-mano to talk business, the conversation will be quite similar to the conversation that parents of an inter-religious couple have when they meet for the first time. They will skip anything which may reek of controversy and try to convince each other that all they want is for their children to be happy.

However, that's not going to deter both parties from praising each other's 'leadership' and how they see a 'new beginning' in this 'important' relationship between the world's largest and biggest democracies, and how together they can work towards solving problems like climate change, terrorism and preventing Twilight and Harry Potter fans from mating.

Of course this will impress a lot of people. But unlike real teenage girls, our metaphorical ones forget to learn life's most important lesson: If Colin Farrell replies to your blood-stained letter in which you confess your true and eternal love for him with a generic "Dear Fan" boilerplate, then, he's just not that into you.

That, and how you always get a zit whenever you have an important date.

 

Damn, looks like I really need to stop watching Drew Barrymore movies. It's kind of affecting my mixed metaphors!

Somebody please give Jairam Ramesh his own show. Please.

 
Look, my hair has 0% dandruff. Geddit?

 

Say what you want to, but UPA: Season 2 is beginning to sound more fun than the first one. At first, the only comedic stars to emerge from this comedy classic were Shashi "Tweety" Tharoor, A "What's your spectrum?" Raja and VK "Imma Lawwwya" Moily. However, thanks to the writers of the UPA show, another great comedic superstar is now emerging from the shadows.

Usually only known for his really well styled hair (I know, but this joke is still funny to me.), he was last spotted solving the problem of climate change.

He's now back, with more comedic gold:

“The single-most important cause of [carbon] emissions is eating beef,” Ramesh said. “My formula is stop eating beef. This would stop the emission of [large amounts of] methane.”

Yes. All the damn emissions are because of the damn beef eaters. Stop closing those factories people, and start eating the green crap growing in your garden. If you don't have a garden, you're probably poor or live in Bombay. Either way, your life isn't that valuable. Sorry. Maybe next time, try to be born in some garden-heavy city. Preferably in the 'real India'. Where what you eat and what happens after you eat it are on display in the same field.

And Mr. Minister, I'm sure you don't have an agenda while trying to convert everyone into eating & shooting vegetables. I mean, shooting and eating vegetables. Dammit! I mean eating shoots and leaves.

A vegetarian himself, Ramesh offered a pat on the back for non-beef eaters, saying they help in “climate mitigation”.

Fuck yeah, vegetarians and non-vegetarians who don't eat beef. You just got a pat on the back from Jairam Ramesh.  THIS IS PROBABLY YOUR LIFE'S BIGGEST HONOR. Savour it and probably don't wash your back on the spot where you got patted by Uber-environ-mentalist, His Green Highness, Jairam Ramesh.

Or, on second thoughts, please wash your back. I am allergic to any kinds of smell. Thanks.

Now, wait. This is not over.

There are other things he said too:

Environment and Forest Minister Jairam Ramesh, known for making forthright comments, today said if there was any Nobel Prize for dirt and filth, India would get it.

Yes. It is a sublime tragedy indeed, your forthrightness. If only you would have been in government and were able to do something about it. Maybe they should make you a minister or something. If only your party was the party "governing" the country for the past five years. Or the one that won the election with an increased majority.

If only!!!1!

Although, my favourite part of the article is when the reporter says Mr Ramesh is known for making forthright comments.

In fact, I think, if there was a nobel prize for making forthright comments, Jairam Ramesh would get it.

 

WAIT! I JUST thought of ANOTHER REALLY, REALLY bright idea.

You know what will be the BEST THING for the environment?

 

Wait for it . . . .

 

 

If we stop publishing newspapers at all.

Because, MORE NEWSPAPERS = MORE NEWS REPORTERS

And, MORE NEWS REPORTERS = LOTS OF HOT AIR BLOWN UP PEOPLE'S ASSES

Finally, LOTS OF HOT AIR BLOWN UP PEOPLE'S ASSES = GLOBAL WARMING

 

OhMaiGawd, I AM SO frikin' FORTHRIGHT TOO.

 

*Pats self on back*

*Breaks collarbone*

*Whatever*

 

Green at heart? Avoid beef: Jairam [HT]
If there is a Nobel prize for filth, India will win it: Jairam Ramesh [TOI]

Baba Ramdev on grand path to becoming C-Grade movie villain

Famous breath-inhaler and guy who does strange things to his stomach, popularly refereed to as "Baba Ramdev" has now convinced a few of his followers to pool their weekly earnings and buy him a small European Island.

Mr. Ramdev plans to turn the island into a riviera for really boring people. Since there would be no booze or sex or music or drugs on this "holy" island, the only thing people will be able to do the whole day is stand on their head.

I think this isn't really a step in the right direction. As all the hindi movies in the 1980s taught us, buying a tiny private island is simply a pre-cursor to possibly-delusional-but-still-really-grand plans for world domination.

There are other signs too.  The BBC provides an unintentional clue:

Bought by two of his devotees from Glasgow for £2m, the tiny North Ayrshire island of Little Cumbrae is being converted into an international yoga camp after a blessing from India's most popular lifestyle guru Baba Ramdev, also known as Swami Ji.

The only people who are referred to as "Swami Ji" are the ones who look at the bosoms of their young & nubile female followers and start salivating. Everyone knows that "real" gurus at least have the decency to add a couple of hundred Sri's to their name. Or at least are able to convince Monks to sell their Ferraris.

Anyways, the Times takes the cake in irresponsible journalism:

Swami Ramdev, who has 80 million followers around the globe, is the Indian equivalent of a rock star, with crowds of up to 10,000 at his outdoor events.

A. ROCK. STAR.

REALLY?

How dare they?

Is there NOTHING sacred left in this world anymore? Where is the decency and respect?

Do the hacks at the Times know how hard people have to work to earn that title?

Do you know how many near-death experiences you need to have to even be considered? Does anyone even have the slightest idea about the amount of cocaine you need to snort? The large number of syringe wounds that you end up having as you continue to battle life itself? Does anyone realize the countless STDs you catch because as a bonafide rockstar you need to make out and have sex with countless number of fans?

Does the Times think that all this is just a fucking joke?

If Courtney Love found out about this, she would be so angry she would post a rant on twitter.

Even the God who came up with Yoga millions of years ago is looking down right now, shaking his head, rolling his eyes and asking his fellow Gods in an exasperated tone "This guy? Seriously?"

 

Scottish island to become ashram [BBC News]
Yoga guru Swami Ramdev turns Little Cumbrae into Peace Island [Times Online]

It's a bird . . . It's a plane . . . No, it's Twitter-gate!!!

 

Leader of the freemasons, currently masquerading as Lok Sabha MP Shashi Tharoor (INC-Twittervantupuram) , who leaves clues for Robert Langdon on the internets,  has offended 'cows' because he dared to infer that they would enjoy the indignity of travelling by Indian Airlines' Economy class. The cows have all gone on mass sick leave, in protest.

Now since all the 'journalists' will be talking about this 'important' issue for the next week or so, here is the sequence of events for you to keep in mind while wasting away your life in front of the teevee:

United Nations operative 'Skeletor' Shashi Tharoor, used his secret weapon '@shashitharor' to make fun and challenge the authority of 'The Sorceress' living inside 10 Janpath Castle Greyskull. He embarrassed the both the sorceress and Prince Adam by daring to make light of their totally sincere attempt at austerity.

This angered both the sorceress and the young prince, who then decided to take charge and set the record straight. So they sent 'Man-at-arms' Jayanti Natrajan (who causes millions of children to cry everytime she appears on teevee) to defend them by huffing and puffing while talking to fellow human & TV anchor Evil-Lyn. They could not send He-Man because he had just been laid off due to the recession. He is now busy writing a book about Jinnah.

However, since by then the cat was out of the bag and all hell had broken loose, even all the king's horses and all the king's men could not put humpty-dumpty together.

The End

p.s. The links are NSFW because of horrible pun porn. 

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe [Wikipedia]
Tharoor in tweetle-class trouble [HT]
Cong slams Tharoor's (t)wits on cattle class [TOI]
Rahul Gandhi’s flying visit to Tamil Nadu cost over Rs.1 crore [The Hindu]

And that's how you secure the Indian-American vote for 2012

On Tuesday, the students of Wakefield High School in Arlington Virginia were welcomed back to school by President-Comrade Obama so that he could indoctrinate them and turn them into socialist zombies. One of the little Zombies had a very interesting question for Dear Leader. A question whose impact can be felt from across the Atlantic Ocean.

STUDENT: Hi. I'm Lilly. And if you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? (Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: Dinner with anyone dead or alive? Well, you know, dead or alive, that's a pretty big list. (Laughter.) You know, I think that it might be Gandhi, who is a real hero of mine. Now, it would probably be a really small meal because -- (laughter) -- he didn't eat a lot. But he's somebody who I find a lot of inspiration in. He inspired Dr. King, so if it hadn't been for the non-violent movement in India, you might not have seen the same non-violent movement for civil rights here in the United States. He inspired César Chávez, and he -- and what was interesting was that he ended up doing so much and changing the world just by the power of his ethics, by his ability to change how people saw each other and saw themselves -- and help people who thought they had no power realize that they had power, and then help people who had a lot of power realize that if all they're doing is oppressing people, then that's not a really good exercise of power.
So I'm always interested in people who are able to bring about change, not through violence, not through money, but through the force of their personality and their ethical and moral stances. And that's somebody that I'd love to sit down and talk to.

[via The Chicago Sun-Times Blog]

Dear Times Now, why haven't you procured a you tube video of the event and  broadcasted it every five minutes branding it as an "exclusive"? C'mon Headlines Today, isn't this representative of the fact that India-US relations have FINALLY been de-hyphenated from the country who shall not be named? And TOI, isn't this more irrefutable proof that the Obama administration is full of people who heart India? Isn't this another feather in our collective caps? Isn't it another example of how India has finally made it on the world stage and that we are a superpower now? Why aren't you guys covering the "real" issues here? Do your job and tell us what we need to think. Hold our hands and guide us through the treacherous clusterfuck called real life. Thank you, good people. Thank you.

Curiosity did not kill the cat; getting stressed out over the wrong thing did

So welcome to another episode of "Let's get outraged together, because some lady on teevee said so".

Tonight, we take a look at how an arrogant American immigration officer treated the Badshaah of Bollywood like a mere commoner.

Okay. So SRK was stopped an interrogated by an American CBP officer for a couple of hours. I'd like to say that they officer was doing his job, but he seemed to have crossed the line and gotten a little Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay-overboard.

But you know what's really outrageous? The fact that there are people who have to go through this everytime they go to America because they don't have Congress MP Rajiv Shukla on speed dial. Why doesn't the Indian embassy do this for EVERY INDIAN who is racially profiled at an American airport? Why are the rules different for movie stars?

You know another thing that is outrageous? Robert Vadra, son-in-law of the nation, does not have to go through security check, whereas the former chief of the army has to.

The Indian government lodged an official complaint with the American embassy in Delhi. Why does the government have to lodge an OFFICIAL complaint? Why do we have to act like little children whose fragile little ego's are hurt everytime someone wants to follow the law? The American embassy in India spends most of it's time trying to stroke the humongous egos in South Block.

The whole SRK incident in short: If you want to get people outraged for being mistreated, go do a couple of movies first. Otherwise, just grin and bear it.

As far as coverage of the incident is concerned, there are a few things:

• If anyone else points out the irony of Shah Rukh Khan being stopped at the airport and his upcoming movie, they need to be waterboarded by Dick Cheney. Because, um, even little children figured this out. So you don't have to mention it EVERYTIME you report on this.
• You know what's not ironical? This happening on Independence day. Besides us and a few NRI's trying to compensate for their "guilt" at abandoning the desh, no one else gives a fudge about OUR Independence day. At least not until we have an actor use it in a memorable speech given at a very poignant moment in a blockbuster movie in which the human race is fighting aliens together for the survival of the whole planet.
• SRK is not a "world celebrity". There are millions of people in India who haven't heard of him because they don't have TV or electricity or BSNL phone lines.
• Ambika Soni's brilliant suggestion of racially profiling American tourists is our childish desire for an eye for an eye. Some dude named MK Gandhi once said that An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. I wonder if that dude is on twitter because I'd like totally follow him.
• For once I'd like a leader who stands up and asks the country to act like a frikin grown up. However, I don't think that's happening anytime soon. Which proves once again that growing old does not necessarily make you wiser.
• One immigration officer does not make the whole country racist. Also, electing Barack Hussien Obama does not make the whole country post-racist.

If the Newark CBP officer was in India, he would have been transferred to some naxal-infested area before you could say Dilwalaye Dulhaniya Le Jayengay. In fact, our security slogan should be "Come to India, if terrorists don't kill you, the swine flu will".

Jai Ho?

Are you there Hillary? It's us, the Indian media . . .

The US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is on a three day visit to India. Or as the media would have you believe, HILLARY CLINTON TO MOVE TO INDIA.

As usual, since EVERYONE got to interview her, each channel branded their interview as an "exclusive". They even managed to ask the same questions.

Specially about the biggest MYSTERY that surrounds the India-US relationship:

Are we still hyphenated?

Did you dehyphenate us again?

C'mon, good woman tell us, WHAT'S THE STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION?

The last time I saw so many people obsess about a dash was when artist Dash Snow passed on to the big orgy in the sky. By the end of it all, Hillary flipped them the bird and was like Why don't you mofos Hyphenate this?

There were other brilliant questions too. Noted journalist and blog hater Barkha Dutt asked Ms. Clinton to reaffirm her LOVE for India.

WTF was that? What are we, jilted lovers? Blow job buddies? When did we start dating America? And FYI, isn't he a little too old for us? We already had a bad experience when we dated the late Soviet Union? Can we stop with the dating old people now? Last time I checked, our country wasn't a playboy playmate.

Hillary also attended a town hall along with Arnab Goswami and Aamir Khan. There was so much ego in that room, if Neil Armstrong had gone back, he would have seen it from the moon. Also, what was Aamir Khan doing there? When did he become a government official? When did we elect him? Can anyone even pee in this country without involving someone from bollywood?

Oh, don't forget the pandering by all our "respected" journalists. Most of the conversation can be summed up by the following:

"ZOMG, are you for real? Are you made of taffy? We really LUURRRRVE YOU!! And your HUSBAND, PRESIDENT HORNDOG! He was such a ladykiller!! And we miss seeing George Bush smile like a smug asshole!!! We miss calling him an evil basted with such profound affection!! Oh, and by the way, say hi to your boss, President Hopey!! ALSO, DID WE MENTION WE LURRRRVE YOU? And please CAN YOU TOUCH OUR HAND? PLEASE???? PRETTY PLEASE?????"

Someone managed to sneak in a real question and asked her about what she would do after the Obama administration would have completed their mandate of healing the world in about eight years? She said she might retire. Even though we all know she's going to run for President in 2016 because the only Republican left by that time would be Meghan McCain . And all Megan wants to do is become President of Twitter.

Although, to be fair to our media, no one asked her even a single question about Michael Jackson.

Suck on that, Larry King.

Later, after almost calling off her trip when she found out that no restaurant in Delhi had named a item on the menu after her like they did for Slick Willie and future world leader Chelsea, she managed to keep-it-together and meet environment minister and noted elitist, Jairam Ramesh. They both bonded over their commitment to climate change and their mutual love for old-school lesbian haircuts.

If this is how the media reacted to Hillary's visit, they really are going to go more batshit crazy when President Messiah visits next year, aren't they?

I can already imagine all the questions about dal and keema.

Sigh.

Elections have consequences . . .

. . . or that's what they keep telling us.

Unless of course you're in India. Then there are only two types of consequences. Either the country is royally fucked or painfully screwed.

Anyways, Iran had elections last week. Now, usually Iran doesn't really feature in conversations which aren't about the upcoming global apocalypse. And having President Nutjob running his mouth at every opportunity has made matters worse. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has all the bigotry of Ann Coulter combined with the wit and charm of Dick Cheney. So the people of Iran agreed with the rest of the world and wanted to see this guy go back where he came from so that he could spend the rest of his days hurling abuses at the Jews and homosexuals in obscurity. So he decided to rig the vote, pull out a number from his ass and declare himself President-elect.

But the cable news channels in India seems to have abandoned the story. Hey, some people from Bombay handing out home-made trophies at a big do in Macau and manufacturing news about how everybody hates Dhoni again is more important. Meanwhile Willow Palin (only someone who hates their child would name them Willow) secretly prays that she is taken away by Social Services so that she may be able to escape the pathological woman people say is her mother.

CNN's butt was kicked by twitter. CNN even had to ask it's resident twat to defend itself.

However, there are still some journalists in Iran who are doing excellent work in brining this story to the rest of the world.

No one really knows what is going to happen in Iran. But one thing is clear that this revolution will be live blogged. For more information and up to the minute coverage, check here, here, here and here.

Violent protests in India over something that happened in some other country

Today, riots erupted all over the country because something really awful happened in some country which most Indians, including this reporter, cannot even place on the map.

The details of the horrible events are very sketchy as of now, and more details are expected soon. No one really knows what actually happened, but everyone feels so strongly about it that they felt like burning or breaking something which does not belong to them.

Meanwhile, protestors all over the country have been destroying public property since the break of dawn. Till about mid-afternoon, 300 train compartments, 500 buses and a 1000 cars had been turned into scrap metal.

We asked a protestor in Delhi who was setting fire to a spanking new Volvo bus, the reason of his protest. He told us that he was dismayed by the lack of public transport.

Other protestors had their own reasons. A man was spotted breaking the windows of a luxury superstore. When we asked him why he was doing that, he said that his wife has been pestering him to get a new sofa for their living room and due to the recession he cannot afford any, this was the best way to get a new one. He then also stole our cameraman's equipment to help his son with his photography course.

A frequent protestor stopped us and gave the following statement, "I'm one of those people who will protest anything. Whether something even happened or not. Hell, we'll protest about stuff that takes place on television. The point is that we like to compensate for our lack of sexual expression by breaking stuff. It's just how we roll. When everyone is guilty, no one really gets caught".  If we hadn't recorded and published his statement, he threatened to "protest" outside our publication's office along with his merry band of protestors.

When asked to take stock of the situation, a newly appointed cabinet minister, who declined to be named, asked us to have some patience. "It's just a small protest involving thousands of people. They'll burn a few things down, destroy taxpayer property even though most of these protestors haven't ever paid any tax, hit people who had nothing to with the events that unfolded in some other country, and eventually will head home when they are tired. There's nothing much we can do".  He abruptly ended the interview when the reporter bent down to tie his shoe.

However, former home minister and future Provogue brand ambassador, Shivraj Patil, was visibly shaken and very upset. "This is a terrible tragedy and the government will investigate the matter and punish the perpetrators", he said, more of a reflex action than a meaningful statement. His tense mood could be gauged by the fact that he had changed his clothes more than five times since he first heard of the riots. He solemnly added that "This time, the pee on my clothes did not belong to my grandson".

The news channels were abuzz with activity since the morning. India TV showed images of the violence along with performances by stand-up comedians and predicted that this is the beginning of the end of the world, TimesNow somehow connected the event to Pakistan and blamed Arunadhiti Roy for being a frequent cause of such riots, everyone at NDTV was so outraged that all they showed were commercial breaks and the various anchors at CNN-IBN were so damn loud that one could hear them even after muting the volume.

State-run television, Doordarshan, was showing an old documentary about Mahatma Gandhi, which highlighted how his methods of non-violent protests were adopted by successful movements all over the world.

Watch out Poland, here come the Indo-Nazis

This is why newspapers are dying.

The UK's Daily Mail reports that Hitler's autobiography Mein Kampf is selling like, pardon the expression, hot cakes in India.

Booksellers told The Daily Telegraph that while it is regarded in most countries as a 'Nazi Bible', in India it is considered a management guide in the mould of Spencer Johnson's "Who Moved My Cheese".

Sales of the book over the last six months topped 10,000 in New Delhi alone, according to leading stores, who said it appeared to be becoming more popular with every year.

Really?

Hitler's auto-biography is treated as a "management guide"?

Well, that does explain a lot about my last manager. Although I wonder when he had time to read the book. between sucking up to senior management and apologizing to his two-timing girlfriend, he barely had time to even take a bath. I had to gift him an year's supply of industrial strength deodorant to get the message across. Sadly, it didn't work. It was the first time in my life I was glad to have allergies.

"They see it as a kind of success story where one man can have a vision, work out a plan on how to implement it and then successfully complete it"

Why? Because Hitler was so successful, innit?

Who in their right mind would actually admire Hitler?

Oops. My bad.

Right. Ahem. Still, delusional leaders aside, I think Poland has nothing to worry about yet. We don't invade foreign countries.

Except that one time. Tee Hee.

However, more than Poland, the people who are actually petrified of a Jai Ho Hitler revolution are the poor, docile readers of the Huffington Post.

In the comment section of the particular post (or as the Huffington Post calls each individual post, 'a blog') which references the daily mail article, the commentators do what a lot of Americans are really good at. Talking about stuff they have no real knowledge about. Although, to be fair, who can blame them, really? Already out of jobs and with everything good on TV either cancelled or about to go for a seasonal break, they need to pass their time somehow.

Besides, haven't you heard? Dick Cheney's debuting his new show "You'll never be safe without me, motherf*ckers". Here's the pilot episode.

At least this issue has united America. Finally, the right wing and the left wing nutjobs finally agree on something. 

Lastly, I'd have to admit that these nutjons are correct. Sort of.

Adolf does live.

Huh? Yes, it's true. Adolf lives.

Do you want to know where?

Well, the only place where he can. The good Ol' U.S. of A.

Now, the real question is, should we be afraid?

New Rules: Election edition

The Indian media has got to stop comparing each event in our country to some other event in America. We've already had three Indian 9/11's, five Indian version of the Oscars and every reporter is on a mission to find India's Barack Obama. Listen up. If Barack Obama was born in India, he would do what any other patriotic Indian would.  Be on the top of his class in school,  get admission in an IIT, apply for an H1B visa, and then get a job as a server engineer with IBM America for half for what they would pay an American citizen. Then once the visa duration is over, come back home and write a really bad best-selling book about the whole experience.

The Italian Prime Minister needs to get his head surgically removed from his ass. Recently, he told the devastated earthquake survivors whose homes were destroyed causing them to live in tents, to pretend that they were on a "camping trip". He also told them to think of the earthquake as "mild land turbulence" and to dismiss the large rash on their ass which they got from doing their "business" in the woods, as "insect hickeys".

The guy who filed an FIR about Akshay and Twinkle Kumar at the LIFW needs to get laid. Dude, you were at the fashion week. They show more tits there than at Vijay Mallaya's parties. Feigning offense there is like being surprised that the Slim Sauna belt didn't give you a six pack.  In fact, I think a case should be a case filed against you for your obscene show of insanity. Don't the police have much better things to do? Like arresting criminals? Or preventing young people from having sex with each other?

Indian Politicians need to stop trying to trash talk each other. Not only is it boring, it's also a trifle bit embarrassing. Even five year olds can diss each other in a more entertaining fashion.  If they really want to piss each other off, and get high TRP's, I suggest they learn the tricks of the trade by watching back to back episodes of Yo Mamma.

People in India need to stop throwing shoes at our politicians. No, not because I think it's disrespectful. No, no, no. Not at all. It's because I think that it's a waste of a perfectly good shoe.

Network 18 has got to stop showing Arun Jaitley and Kapil Sibbal debating each other. If I wanted to see two lawyers talk about politics, I would watch old episodes of Boston Legal. At least the show has a happy ending. 

Sharad Pawar has got to pick a front he can side with. One day he's with the Third Front. The next day he's back with the UPA. Who does he think he is? Ajit Singh?

Jayanti Natrajan has got to lend me her cloning machine. Not only is she on every channel, every night, at the same time, she's even wearing a different ensemble. I think she's one appearance away from replacing Glenn Close in the third season of Damages.  At the very least , she should at least get her very own X-Men franchise.

Best news article EVER!!

This is the reason I can never be a journalist. I thought that the cheerleaders issue had died down. But, boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. Apparently, it's big enough to be picked up by Reuters. And even though they put it in their oddly enough section, the tone of the article is more serious than an eulogy at a state funeral. If I could have been able to write like this, I would be a rich, rich man.


The article begins with some great quotes by eminent Indian politicians, for example:

"The manner in which semi-clad girls keep shaking their limbs is in bad taste," Uddhav Thackeray, head of the hardline Hindu nationalist Shiv Sena party was quoted as saying in the Times of India.

Shaking your limbs!! Don't you just hate it when people do that? It's disgraceful, I tell you. An outrage. The nerve. God is going to damn them to hell for revealing their limbs like that.


The article also reveals some really important facts:

The sight of many foreign women and Indians dancing in high boots and skimpy shorts sparked anger from both Hindu nationalists, who opposed their open sexuality, and some leftist parties who said it crudely copied Western culture.

I am sure the hearts of Hindu "nationalists" and "leftist" parties would be warmed to know that they are on the same side. How dare the cheerleaders open their sexuality in the land of the Kamasutra? They should be arrested and sent back to the Western world full of immoral people having sex for fun. In India, people can only have sex to bear a male child. Otherwise it is a sin against Indian culture.

However, my favorite line from this article has to be:

The cheerleaders appeared at the match in less revealing outfits -- where there was once exposed cleavages, midriffs and thighs, there was now only skintight lycra.

Lets read that again. ...Where there was once exposed cleavages, midriffs and thighs ...This is real HARD hitting news. The amount of detail the reporter has provided us with is astonishing. Each and every exposed body part has been documented and mentioned separately. I'm sorry, not body parts, each and every limb has been mentioned separately.
......There was now only skintight lycra. Skintight Lycra. One last time. Skintight Lycra. I can never even in my wildest dreams be so articulate. This is just too good for words. The author of this article has to be a demi-God of journalism.


The article ends with the following paragraph:

But well-known cheerleaders from the Washington Redskins are still performing for the Bangalore Royal Challengers, and there have been no reports that they have toned down their performances.

Err..ummmm...ahem...... I hate to be a party pooper, but if this is true then WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF THE ARTICLE?

I am telling if this article does not win the Pulitzer prize, I am crying foul. Nothing can come close to it. Nothing. Thanks to google and it's targeted display of news items I was able to view this article and enrich my life forever. I shall now be able to die a happy man.