Fantasy Elections and slick politicians

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

One of the most strangely popular hobbies of sports fans is to participate in a fantasy league. A fantasy league is sort of a fan’s wet dream come true. It gives them the one thing that they think will help their team win the game. If only they could choose the players! Yes, the best judge of a team’s strategy is the guy with a beer belly shouting things at the television who has never played a sport in his life.

Such sentiment is not limited to sports fans, though. There is an amateur pundit in all of us. From the day the last vote in the assembly elections was cast, to the day the counting began, the punditrati was busy playing fantasy elections. The news anchors, political analysts and party spokespeople spent three days holding discussions on hypothetical results. Though no party would accept the fact that they would do as badly as the results predicted, the harsh rhetoric of the past few months had been already forgotten and everybody was in a conciliatory mood. Old tropes were being dusted off and called into service again to sugar-coat any future cynical power grab. Each party was ready to work with their sworn opponent, ‘for the good of the people of the country.’ Ah! We are so lucky to be living in a utopia in which our politicians are so patriotic that they don’t let mere principles stand in their way.

The Congress used this time for a soft launch of ‘Operation Don’t Blame Rahul Gandhi.’ Everyone from Rita Bahugana to the ghost of Arjun Singh went around saying that if the Congress did bad in UP the blame was to solely rest on their shoulders. The BJP took turns giving dubious reasons for the absence of Narendra Modi from the campaign trail to having to explain why having 15 contenders for a single post means that everybody in the party is on the same page.

Then, as the election results came in, alliances were being built in the television studio. As the largest party in all the states staked their claim to form the government with Arnab Goswami, common sense conclusions were being presented as an ‘exclusive’ (BREAKING: Water will quench your thirst. Remember, you heard it here first!). The only narrative anyone was paying attention to was the emergence of Akhilesh Yadav as the new star of Indian politics. Since he is a blank slate in the public imagination, it’s easy to project people’s hopes and aspirations on him. He’s young! He can speak English! He uses an iPad! He caused a tectonic shift in Indian politics as the people of UP rejected a scion of a dynasty for the scion of another dynasty!

However, in six months, everyone will be asking whether Akhilesh is “losing his mojo” when he is unable to clamp down on the law and order problem in UP (because how do you clamp down on the very people whose support you need to stay in power?). And then, in 2014, when some other party gets more seats than the SP in the parliamentary election, everyone will ask whether he was “all hype and no substance.” There is no evidence to support the hypothesis that a government led by Akhilesh will be any different than a government led by his father, but who knows! Maybe Chief Minister Michael Corleone will be the one to take the family business legit. 

It was also hilarious to watch the exberts on twitter dance on the grave of Rahul Gandhi’s political career. Because in India, political careers hinge on one victory or one loss! That is why the career of a young, promising MP called Atal Behari Vajpyee was ended in 1984, when his party was routed in the election. Who knows, maybe he could have gone on to become Prime Minister! And has anybody heard from former Tamil Nadu Chief Minister J Jayalalitha after she lost two consecutive elections? I bet she is planning to go back to acting in movies right about now.

People forget that Indian politics is like the Hotel California. You can check-out any time you like but you can never leave. 

The death of romance on Indian television

 

The other day I was aimlessly teevee surfing, trying to watch something watchable on Indian teevee (yeah. my bad!), which I tend to do from time to time, being the eternal optimist I am. I didn't succeed in that, as usual, but I did realize something which gave me the sads.

A sort of epiphany, if I may say so.

They finally killed romance at it's last remaining place of residence.

Television.

During the early 90's, when everyone was still innocent (because the internet was not that widespread and the only way to learn about sex was to read one of the 200 printed copies of  a Shobha De book) and the only supercouple on teevee was Ram & Sita (they were like Bella & Edward from Twilight, except with less brooding and no sex), the leading protagonist from the epic Ramayana (it was just like Avatar, except instead of an American company, the good guys were fighting a really smart evil king. And the leader of the good guys was an actual real life AVATAR! In fact, he was probably the first Avatar ever!!).

So this ancient supercouple were the ideal representation of love on the small screen.  However, their love took an ugly turn (which was very Alec Baldwin/Kim Bassinger-esque) and Sita ended up visiting her aunt in the earth's core, forever. (That's how the used to break up in ancient times. None of the modern 'I hope we can be friends' crap. Once you were done, boy, were you fucking done!).

Apparently, melodrama was all the rage back then!

The next supercouple which caught the nation's eye was from a cartoon show. Even though the show was for little children, it caught the adults fancy. That was because it contained the cutest couple on Indian television ever, Bagheera & Baloo.

Yes, that's right.

Though they weren't a conventional couple, and their love was the love that dare not speak it's name, (homophobia was all the rage back then) those of us in the know nodded our head and played along.

On Sunday morning, whenever that really irritating song came on, the whole family sat together and saw Bagheera and Baloo bring up their adopted retarded human child, whose name was Mowgli. In fact, if it wasn’t for them, Mowgli would have grown up to be an animal!

They bickered, fought over all the little things like household expenditures and in-laws, however, just like every other teevee couple, they made up.

Awww, love, thy name is Bagheera & Baloo!

Then, in the aughts, came the supercouple to beat all the other supercouples.

The greatest one of them all.

Mihir and Tulsi.

Indian teevee’s Bragelina!

They had 1,000,0000,00000,0000000,0000000,000000 kids, of both the legitimate and the illegitimate variety, magically born without them ever “bumping uglies”. They stayed together through so many ups and downs, aided in their adventures by one lonely woman who was probably as old as the earth itself.

Both Mihir & Tulsi loved each other so much that they came back from the dead, a couple of times, just to be with each other again. In fact, both of them voluntarily kept changing their appearance so as to keep the romance alive!. Say what you will about them but, boy, that's called commitment.

Now, even thought those two are not on teevee anymore, sometimes, when the night sky is clear, one can see them floating in space, along with their favourite old woman, because their saga is endless, just like a Manmohan Singh speech .

That was the past.

And this is the present.

'I just want to grab once' is the new 'Honey, your eyes are so beautiful'

Just like everything else, the most unreal thing on the teevee, "Reality Television", has ruined romance!

All everyone wants to do in these shows is fuck each other & get famous! Nobody wants to do the hard work of developing an actual talent. Even if they want to sleep their way to the top, they should do it discreetly, like in they used to do in olden times!

I don't know about you, but I'd rather believe that some woman lived for a thousand years rather than some misogynist who looks like Himesh Reyshamia and Shakti Kapoor had a love-child will get two, intelligent woman to get "intimate" with him. Although, girlfriend, if you end up with that guy, you’re really not that intelligent!

There was a time when people actually cared for the pretention of romance. In fact, some families were so modern that they let both their children speak to each other before they arranged their marriage!

And from that we went to this?

What has the world come to? A person can't even cheat on his significant other. Isn't that what they are there for? Why can't they find out about each other’s ventures outside their relationship in twenty years, when the illegitimate child comes to take his share of the money, like other normal people?

This began when all of us started watching Ally McBeal and took relationship advise from the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.! 

We took something so beautiful like forcibly living together with each other even though the love died long ago and all you’re doing now is keeping up appearances and we turned it into something so ugly! 

This is going to be our generation’s teevee legacy. A bunch of illiterate people shouting the f-word at each other, completely out of context.

We helped kill something which gave hope to millions of suppressed kids that maybe one day they might actually have a chance to be happy before they grew up and their cynicism took over.

For that, we need to hang our heads in shame.

Just like the old guy wearing a wig young woman in the scene below.

The 'Rahul Gandhi' is everyone's new favourite dance step!

So the new Rajnath Singh, Nitin Gadkari went to have lunch at a colleague's house, and it made the national news.

There are so many things wrong with that. Let's do a point by point thingie (or as purists call it  'bullet point analysis'. I call it 'thingie' cause it's amateurish & childish. Just like me!) to explain.

1. Unless Rahul Gandhi INVENTED politics, or 'pulling a Rahul Gandhi' is a new dance move which involves doing the hustle in your Kurta, no one can pull a 'Rahul Gandhi'. Every politician who requires points for his 'imma-son-of-the-soil' marksheet does this. In fact, in the book "Beginners guide in how to be a son-of-the-soil politician", this is probably Chapter 1 (Go eat in a poor person's house). Or maybe I'm wrong and even MK Gandhi was 'doing a Rahul' when he did this more than sixty years ago. Or maybe even those stuffy politicians in Europe, who were doing this in the 1800s were pulling a "Rahul Gandhi'. Who knows, really?

2. Eating a meal at a poor person's house is nothing but theatric symbolism. It sounds so good, "Oh Mah Gawd, he went and literally ATE at a poor person's house!! Literally!! The Horror! Must vote for him next time!" Don't they see the unintentional bigotry involved in this? Just by eating a small meal in their house, does it make you understand the years of their struggle? Does a white light emerge from the back of your head and you suddenly become aware of years of oppression your 'hosts' had to face? This is even worse than when Mayawati builds a statue of herself and tells all her poor, suffering voters "This pigeon-bait is going to solve all your problems! Thee should now rejoice, and haveth some cake!". Hey, at least she doesn't make them pay for lunch!

3. Don't the reporters have anything better to do than sit around watching a fat guy eat? Do the reporters who 'report' on such 'symbolic luncheons' actually believe what they are saying? If they do, would you actually want someone like that 'reporting' on the 'news'? If they don't and still go on about it, would you actually want someone like that 'reporting' on the 'news'? If I ask so many questions, does it make me sound like a certain anchor of a 9PM news-show? If it does, then will someone volunteer to kill me?

 

Gadkari does a Rahul, has lunch in Dalit's house [Rediff News]
Nitin Gadkari does a Rahul, has lunch in Dalit's house [DNA India]

The truth is nothing but a well produced marketing campaign

[Note: This is not a review of the new RGV film, Rann.  I haven't seen the film, and frankly I don't plan too.]

One thing that is apparent from the buildup to the new Ram Gopal Varma movie, Rann, is that Ram Gopal Varma hates the media.

Shocker! I know.

What makes me say that, you ask?

Well, if you haven't seen the thousands of of interviews he's given about 'hating the media', to the media then you must have seen him hold discussions with members of the cast of his movie, which was shown during prime time on the same "news" channels whose dubiousness he plans to expose. Or maybe you caught the press conference he held for journalists in which he told them how much he didn't care for them. Or maybe you are a journalist and were invited to the special screenings of his movie, which was held exclusively for journalists.

He's probably angry with the media for giving him so much coverage. I mean remember right after Rangeela and Satya the media anointed him as the master filmmaker?  And then, out of nowhere, they dropped him like a hot potato after the disastrous Sholay remake [in their own opinion RGV still stands by his masterpiece.] and those nineteen hundred Antra Mali movies. They called him a failed genius!

Him. The man who has the eye of Copola, the passion of Tarnatino and the raw cinematic vision of Hitchcock.

RGV will not play their game again!

He will also not be seduced by their current efforts to band him as "The Comeback Kid".

RGV will not be fooled by the media. Because he has seen the emperor and the emperor has no clothes!

What his "enemies" in the media have forgotten is that Ram Gopal Varma is an outsider. An outlier, as our friend Malcom Gladwell would say. 

That is why he only works with such small name actors like the Bachchans. And who has even heard of Paresh Rawal? The only "big star" who appears in his movies is Ritiesh Deshmukh, who, let's face it, only does Varma's movies for the friendship, as he is so busy otherwise, playing both male and female leads simultaneously!

Do you think Varma is in the business of making movies for the money?

Sheeple, please.

He is the personification of you, a brave everyman underdog trying to take on the system and show the truth behind the truth!

He does not care about how much business his movies do. That's just a bonus! He probably gives away all the profits, to charity!

He's just here to change society.

And don't you ever forget that!

Rajya Sabha MPs don't want the kids to learn how to use their unmentionables

Sometime this week, there was a huge uproar in the Rajya Sabha over the contents of a reality show. A lot of MPs got up and spoke out against how due to some godforsaken show on teevee, all the kids will run out of their classrooms straight into some seedy motels and start having unprotected sex after which they would have a pill to ensure that they don't get pregnant. After they have satisfied their carnal needs, they will overdose on combiflam and kill themselves. What's worse, they would be doing this while still wearing their school uniforms. And somehow, we would lose our 5,00,00,000,000 year old culture.

Right. I don't see the connection either. But that's what some Rajya Sabha MPs will have you believe.

The news of the "outrage" expressed by the MPs made people sit up, take serious note and ask each other, What in the blue hell is the Rajya Sabha?

Then everybody used the interwebs, checked their children's civics books and asked the old civil servant who they say "hi" to everytime when they go for a walk every morning and found out that the there is another house of parliament, which although is known as the upper house, has almost as much power as the an "actor" in an Ekta Kapoor serial. And whose members are hilariously referred to as the "elders". 

Afterwards, as usual, the government, which is such a wuss, caved in.

Hours after the furore in Rajya Sabha over the reality show 'Sach Ka Samana' broadcast by Star Plus, government on Wednesday issued a show cause notice to the TV channel. The Information and Broadcasting Ministry, which issued the notice, has sought a reply from the channel by July 27.

Dude, who takes the Rajya Sabha seriously? Not even the Rajya Sabha MPs give a rat's ass about what they say. Why do you bother? Just do what you do in every other case. Pretend that nothing happened and show some new shiny object to distract the media. It's all about keeping it simple and talking to the people as if they are in fifth grade.

BJP and SP MPs demanded the government to ban the show on Wednesday. The parliamentarians claimed that the reality game show is broadcasting vulgar values and it is a threat to Indian values and morality.

Yes. BAN Everything. That's the best solution.

Uneducated people more than educated ones? BAN education. Starving villages? BAN food.

Global warming? BAN the fucking globe.

There are farmers killing themselves because even after 62 years, our national irrigation policy consists of hiring a few contestants from Indian Idol and making them go to the drought affected areas and sing that oh-rain-god-can-ya-bless-us-with-some-damn-rain song from Lagaan. There are naxalites threatening our national "leaders". Oh, and there might be a global pandemic which might kill everyone but you because a swine can't really be infected by swine flu. But that's okay. However, some dipshit on teevee telling everyone that she has been ridden on more than the Delhi Metro, that outrages you.

Just like the constitution intended.

However, these are not the only people with too much time on their hands.

The Delhi High Court will decide whether 'Sach Ka Samna', a game show where contestants are asked a series of prying questions, is "obscene and against Indian culture and ethos" as contended by a Delhi-resident. One D***** M**** has approached the court alleging that the show telecast on entertainment channel Star Plus is against the values of Indian society.

Dear Outraged Phonies who seek publicity,

Your TV remote has a magic button, which when pressed will make all the slutty men & women go away. 

So please USE it.

Then, do the intelligent thing and Shut the fuck up! ALSO!

KThxBai.

 

 

TV channel gets notice over 'Sach Ka Samna' [TOI]
'Sach Ka Samna' TV show challenged in HC [PTI]

Are you there Hillary? It's us, the Indian media . . .

The US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is on a three day visit to India. Or as the media would have you believe, HILLARY CLINTON TO MOVE TO INDIA.

As usual, since EVERYONE got to interview her, each channel branded their interview as an "exclusive". They even managed to ask the same questions.

Specially about the biggest MYSTERY that surrounds the India-US relationship:

Are we still hyphenated?

Did you dehyphenate us again?

C'mon, good woman tell us, WHAT'S THE STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION?

The last time I saw so many people obsess about a dash was when artist Dash Snow passed on to the big orgy in the sky. By the end of it all, Hillary flipped them the bird and was like Why don't you mofos Hyphenate this?

There were other brilliant questions too. Noted journalist and blog hater Barkha Dutt asked Ms. Clinton to reaffirm her LOVE for India.

WTF was that? What are we, jilted lovers? Blow job buddies? When did we start dating America? And FYI, isn't he a little too old for us? We already had a bad experience when we dated the late Soviet Union? Can we stop with the dating old people now? Last time I checked, our country wasn't a playboy playmate.

Hillary also attended a town hall along with Arnab Goswami and Aamir Khan. There was so much ego in that room, if Neil Armstrong had gone back, he would have seen it from the moon. Also, what was Aamir Khan doing there? When did he become a government official? When did we elect him? Can anyone even pee in this country without involving someone from bollywood?

Oh, don't forget the pandering by all our "respected" journalists. Most of the conversation can be summed up by the following:

"ZOMG, are you for real? Are you made of taffy? We really LUURRRRVE YOU!! And your HUSBAND, PRESIDENT HORNDOG! He was such a ladykiller!! And we miss seeing George Bush smile like a smug asshole!!! We miss calling him an evil basted with such profound affection!! Oh, and by the way, say hi to your boss, President Hopey!! ALSO, DID WE MENTION WE LURRRRVE YOU? And please CAN YOU TOUCH OUR HAND? PLEASE???? PRETTY PLEASE?????"

Someone managed to sneak in a real question and asked her about what she would do after the Obama administration would have completed their mandate of healing the world in about eight years? She said she might retire. Even though we all know she's going to run for President in 2016 because the only Republican left by that time would be Meghan McCain . And all Megan wants to do is become President of Twitter.

Although, to be fair to our media, no one asked her even a single question about Michael Jackson.

Suck on that, Larry King.

Later, after almost calling off her trip when she found out that no restaurant in Delhi had named a item on the menu after her like they did for Slick Willie and future world leader Chelsea, she managed to keep-it-together and meet environment minister and noted elitist, Jairam Ramesh. They both bonded over their commitment to climate change and their mutual love for old-school lesbian haircuts.

If this is how the media reacted to Hillary's visit, they really are going to go more batshit crazy when President Messiah visits next year, aren't they?

I can already imagine all the questions about dal and keema.

Sigh.

The heat is driving everyone nuts . . .

. . . or maybe it's the cricket? Who knows, really? I think it's all a plot to get me to hit the bottle early in the morning. That's funny. I was doing it voluntarily anyway.

We all know about the recent turn of events in Australia. Now, according to The Hindu, someone torched an Indian student's car last night.

Alright. We all agree that sucks. But, something in the middle of this article made me lose all sympathy for this fella.

Vikrant Rajesh Ratan, 22, told police that his car and two other cars belonging to Indians in the apartment complex where he lives were burnt by some drug addicts whom he had refused to give money. "They asked me for money, but I refused them. Next night they burnt my car because of that," Ratan told a news channel.

He said there were 40 Indians living in his area and "we are all toppers".

Really? Toppers? ALL of you?

What does this have to do with anything at all? So the single largest achievement of your life can be summed up in half a sentence? In your opinion, should normal rules of society not apply to you because you are toppers? In your obviously einsteinesque opinion, what other privileges should people like you enjoy? If you murder someone, should you be exempt from being arrested because you are a topper? Should you receive oxygen from nature BEFORE any other lesser human beings who have not ever been in any honour roll have sullied it with their lowly nostrils? Should people bow down and break into an appreciative dance everytime you pass them by? Should the Sun call you in the morning everyday and rise from whichever direction you deem appropriate? Should the government mandate that every fair maiden and/or handsome young man in the kingdom offer you their young, nubile bodies in recognition of your great "service" to society?

There is only one thing you can say to such people: Maccaca, please!

_________________________

Our country has had it's fair share of great writers and thinkers who have arguably left their imprints on global literature. Rabindranath Tagore, Amratya Sen, Salman Rushdie, Jhumpa Lahri, Arvind Adiga, Arunadhiti Roy etc.

Now, add another name to that illustrious list.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the latest literally genius to come from this great land of ours.

Who is this wondrous creator of such masterful prose?

 

Little Ms. Rubina Ali.

Yes.

That Rubina Ali.

Who became an unhealthy worldwide obsession thanks to a movie which almost didn't get released.

Yes. She has a book deal. Probably does not know how to read and write, but she is going to be a published author. Hey, it didn't stop Shobhaaa De, so it should not stop lil' Rubina.

Anyways, she is going to write about her eventful life spanning the long period of nine years.

In the book, she reveals hitherto unknown facts about her life.

Did you know that she climbed Mt, Everest, swam the english channel and went to the moon and came back ALL in one single day which also happened to be her seventh birthday?

Or that the Dalai Lama constantly calls her to seek her counsel?

The book is tentatively titled I'm never going away no matter how much you try. Or maybe not.

________________________

Speaking of things that won't go away, the millionth word to be inducted into the Oxford English dictionary might be either Jai Ho or Chuddies.

Wonderful. With the elections and the US National spelling bee over and done with, our news channels have something during the summer which they can obsess over and squeal just like a thirteen year old girl does when she sees the Jonas brothers.

Other words in the list include Chengguan, which is what one of my former co-workers used to call chewing gum, Phelpsian, which means being a success in what you do despite smoking a bong every now and then and Mobama, which refers to all the people who have a man-crush on Obama.

Okay, fine. Click here for the real meaning of these words. Be a bitch about it.

________________________

Twitter went live about three years ago. So now that it's jumped the shark because everyone from Ashton Kutcher to Oprah is using it, our news media finally discovers it. But what's not surprising is that it's discovery follows the usual dose of horrible puns and bollywood conspiracy theories.

Also, twitter poses a risk to national security.

Ugh.

Even Fox news is like, C'mon, that is wayyy out there man.

 

Makes me almost want to pray that these people never discover Tumblr.

New Rules: Election edition

The Indian media has got to stop comparing each event in our country to some other event in America. We've already had three Indian 9/11's, five Indian version of the Oscars and every reporter is on a mission to find India's Barack Obama. Listen up. If Barack Obama was born in India, he would do what any other patriotic Indian would.  Be on the top of his class in school,  get admission in an IIT, apply for an H1B visa, and then get a job as a server engineer with IBM America for half for what they would pay an American citizen. Then once the visa duration is over, come back home and write a really bad best-selling book about the whole experience.

The Italian Prime Minister needs to get his head surgically removed from his ass. Recently, he told the devastated earthquake survivors whose homes were destroyed causing them to live in tents, to pretend that they were on a "camping trip". He also told them to think of the earthquake as "mild land turbulence" and to dismiss the large rash on their ass which they got from doing their "business" in the woods, as "insect hickeys".

The guy who filed an FIR about Akshay and Twinkle Kumar at the LIFW needs to get laid. Dude, you were at the fashion week. They show more tits there than at Vijay Mallaya's parties. Feigning offense there is like being surprised that the Slim Sauna belt didn't give you a six pack.  In fact, I think a case should be a case filed against you for your obscene show of insanity. Don't the police have much better things to do? Like arresting criminals? Or preventing young people from having sex with each other?

Indian Politicians need to stop trying to trash talk each other. Not only is it boring, it's also a trifle bit embarrassing. Even five year olds can diss each other in a more entertaining fashion.  If they really want to piss each other off, and get high TRP's, I suggest they learn the tricks of the trade by watching back to back episodes of Yo Mamma.

People in India need to stop throwing shoes at our politicians. No, not because I think it's disrespectful. No, no, no. Not at all. It's because I think that it's a waste of a perfectly good shoe.

Network 18 has got to stop showing Arun Jaitley and Kapil Sibbal debating each other. If I wanted to see two lawyers talk about politics, I would watch old episodes of Boston Legal. At least the show has a happy ending. 

Sharad Pawar has got to pick a front he can side with. One day he's with the Third Front. The next day he's back with the UPA. Who does he think he is? Ajit Singh?

Jayanti Natrajan has got to lend me her cloning machine. Not only is she on every channel, every night, at the same time, she's even wearing a different ensemble. I think she's one appearance away from replacing Glenn Close in the third season of Damages.  At the very least , she should at least get her very own X-Men franchise.

why? Why?? WHYYYY?????

I request the Indian government to legalize marijuana. Otherwise how, how can we sit through the following news items/headlines on our Indian news channels. Oh, the humanity!!


- Khali tries Gandhigiri (wtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtf)

- Khali introduces Big Show to various Indian traditions (*bangs head on wall* *breaks a chunk of his head*)

- Kids want to be like Khali !!! (Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo)

- 2000000045 Minutes segment on the Amitabh - Shatru war of words

- Amitabh Bachan has a blog! (i really could not care less)

- Bar girls protesting against cheerleaders in IPL

- Amar Singh protesting against cheerleaders .... Amar Singh ..... Yes, I said Amar Singh

- Shatrugan Sinha (why in the name of Jesus Christ doesn't he shut the fuck up) refers to the cheerleaders as go go girls. Also makes derogatory remarks about woman commentators.

- Woman minister who looks like she just got up from her afternoon seista (with the worst hairdo ever, by the way) says that cheer-girls (don't ask) are a new phenomenon and they will see what needs to be done

- Clipping of Karan Johar dancing like a go go girl ... (I was so angry, I burnt my eyes )

If this doesn't make them legalize all kinds of dope, I don't know what will. At least legalize crystal meth. Anything.

The quest for Entertainment ...

The following is a recollection of the horror of what was without any argument one of the most painful evenings of my life.

So, what happened was that due to some unforeseen and unplanned circumstances, I ended up at home last Saturday night. Alone. With medium quality Chinese takeout to eat and Indian television to watch. Yes, I had to watch television. I did not want to read the 5 books I am currently reading and I did not want to watch a DVD cause I am Lazzzy (i mean the DVD cabinet is faaaaaar) and I did not want to use you tube cause I was bored. So we ended up switching on the TV. Needless to say, we were horrified, bored and our mind was turned into mush. Despite various warnings from other sane minded people, we dared to venture into the world that is called Indian TV. Or at least whatever tata sky was offering. Sit back and enjoy the highlights.

We first started with a show on one of those hindi channels which basically had some losers playing pranks on helpless bystanders. To give you an idea why lots of people commit suicides in India, these contestants went to bridge or something and as people walked by, they broke into an impromptu song and dance. Then the jury, which consisted of Farah Khan (or Sajid Khan ... coudn't make out), Cyrus Brocha and ...... and ..... and ... MIKA. Mi fucking ka. Mika as in the Punjabi Singer. So I threw my slipper at the screen and changed the channel. Is this what people's self respect has come to? Being judged by Mika?

So we thought maybe we can listen to some music. However, when we switched to the music channels ALL of them were showing one reality show or another. ALL of them. One had people with the iq of 15 doing dances, the other had roadies, which featured and a task involving acting like bangcock (....get it?) lady boys. It was awful. Then, vh1 had laguna beach. The last one really surprised me. Do they actually think we want to blonde male and female bimbos have relationship conversation? What happened to playing some fucking music? Why do these motherfucking music channels show reality TV? Isn't that what general entertainment and hindi news channels are for?

And what makes people participate in these reality shows? Is it the suffering? Is it the humiliation? Is it dancing like a whore with your ass hanging out? What? Well, that deserves it's own post.

So our quest for watching something entertaining continued, so next up were some award shows on NDTV imagine. I wanted to attend award shows, I would've gone to my own convocation. Anyhoo, we changed channels. We thought maybe CNN is showing the daily show with Jon stewart. But nooooooooo, they were showing something about britney spears ...... Gosh!! My stomach churned and I threw up.

So, still not giving up, backed up a little and Lo! behold .... some english news channel was showing a vignette on Saif Kareena, who, Fyi, have not yet been given their own portmanteau supercouple name. I suggest the following, SaK, FaK, Kaif, khanpoor, Sebo.
I really don't give a flying fuck anyway.

So, we ended our quest to be entertained by Indian television there and then. We would rather our brain be fried over a tandoor and dipped in Olive oil and then chopped into little pieces and fed to hungry people from bangaldesh.