Is that a coup in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

(The originally appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Bring out your bell-bottoms and unretire your hippies because we seemed to be re-living the 1970s again. Just like in those days, there were rumours of a coup on the streets of New Delhi, a member of the Gandhi family has undue influence on the government and people were actually reading something the ancients used to call a ‘newspaper.’

Another throwback to a previous decade was branding those who were raising uncomfortable questions with Orwellian terms. ‘Traitor’ seemed to be the new ‘CIA agent.’ Not that anyone believed those hilarious reports anyway, yet some members of the establishment thought it prudent to go on an all out offensive against those allegedly ‘making mischief.’ Suddenly, everyone seemed to have discovered their deep love for the troops. Slavish news anchors nodded continuously while defence experts--who seemed to have walked straight out of a PG Wodehouse novel--insisted that no one had the right to question the armed forces, forgetting that the “Don’t criticize me, bro!” directive is only for people currently serving.  We don’t really need our army chiefs to decide for us what we can and cannot speak about. Army chiefs should be like a trophy spouse; best seen and not heard from.

We need to stop feteshizing government institutions because all of them are riddled with problems and we don’t help by ignoring uncomfortable questions. Living in this country is like a choose-your-own-holy cow-which-no-one-can-slaughter adventure.  You can’t question the judiciary, because they are our only saving grace! You can’t question the army because apparently, we are now living in a JP Dutta movie. You can’t say anything against Parliament because the right to watch porn--as some jackass goes on and on about the plight of farmers--is sacrosanct! You can’t question Narendra Modi because he is the Diego Maradona of chief ministers and therefore does not need to be penalised for his ‘hand of god’ goal.

We can blame our ‘leaders’ but let’s first admit that all of us aren’t keen on discussing a lot of issues either. We love banning, clipping, censoring, bleeping, burning, tearing, destroying and beating. Our first reaction to any article we don’t agree with is ‘why did this publication print this?’ We seem to only appreciate people whose opinion and worldview coincides with our own. You mean to say if we just pass this little law here then all our problems will be solved? ZOMG! You complete me! And then we question someone’s patriotism as soon as they take a position we don’t seem to agree with. Hey, what are you going on and on about false democracy and crony capitalism? Somebody try this person for sedition, stat! Jingoistic patriotism seems to be the most popular ‘soup-of-the-day’ in our country. The real test of democracy is tolerating people you vehemently disagree with. Let the ‘free market of ideas’ determine the validity of the discourse. I may think you’re talking with you head up your arse, but I will defend to mild discomfort your right to make a fool of yourself in public.

We need to start treating each other as adults. Otherwise the only thing we’d be left to talk about will be the weather. But, wait, isn’t that controversial too, these days? Thanks to some people who believe that global warming is actually taking place. They don’t realize that Mother Nature is just Al Gore in drag and the weather is just going through a normal cyclical phase. Melting polar ice caps, disappearing glaciers and shrinking winter seasons are just part of the normal weather pattern, right? Who needs those icebergs anyway? Those damn things keep sinking our ships and killing all our handsome young men named after medieval painters.

Wait, if we can’t even talk about the weather then all we are left to discuss is our feelings and stuff?

Uh-oh. Beam me back into your time, Scotty.

Let’s get fiscal

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

As the budget day approached, the nation got ready to celebrate this non-religious holiday very religiously. Students were assigned essays to be written on why budget day is their favourite holiday. Everyone in the workforce cancelled all their appointments. Restaurants were offering their patrons special deals on drinks and appetizers to induce consumers to do their budget watching with them. Television channels dusted off their annual glimpses-of-various-finance-ministers-showing-off-their-budget-briefcase video. Twitter users were remembering Bengali stereotypes to make terrible Pranab Mukherjee jokes. Economic experts were taking a break from giving a discourse on other issues and concentrating on second guessing the finance minister. A number of think-tanks even came up with alternate budget suggestions, which they released on the day before the budget presentation (because obviously the most important financial document of the world’s fourth largest economy is prepared the same way I used to study for all my exams: by pulling an all-nighter). India was ready to get fiscal.

I was watching news television the whole day so besides breaking into a terrible rash, my only take away from the budget broadcast was that somehow I would have to back-pay all my taxes again, going back to 1962, for some reason. I was so outraged that I joined a Facebook group protesting this blatant power grab. As I was about to sign a strongly worded online petition, I ended up using the ‘Google machine’ and found out that my object of outrage was only a clarification of an old law, something that is not a punch in the face of the constitution but a normal budgetary procedure.

Can you blame me for not cutting the UPA any slack? This government has fucked up so many times the country has fuck-up fatigue. It has less inertia than a 101-year old man pushing his own wheelchair. A government so rudderless it makes a sunken Italian cruise liner seem like it knows where it’s going. A government which meanders from crisis to crisis and yet has the temerity to act like a ‘mean girl’ towards anyone who suggests that they might not be the most awesome thing to happen to the country.

Things are not helped by the fact that our free press- the supposed vanguard of our democracy- has the attention span of a schizophrenic sociopath suffering from attention deficit syndrome. There is no sense of proportion. Even minor governance issues are trotted out as do or die situations. Mid-term elections have been just around the corner ever since this government has been elected. The media is so eager to badly analyze a horse race that they have no qualms in disingenuously engineering a crisis every other week. 

They spend less time vetting the messiahs they force upon us than the amount of time the McCain campaign spent vetting Sarah Palin. Montek Singh Ahluwalia was supposed to be Manmohan Singh 2.0. He was everybody’s dream finance ministerial candidate, until it turned out that he had no idea where to draw the poverty line. Laloo Prasad Yadav was the best Railways minister in the history of the country until reports came out that he was pulling an Enron. Anna Hazare turned out to be less Ben Kingsley in Gandhi and more Ben Kingsley in Sweeny Todd. Rahul Gandhi was India’s ‘youth icon’ until he was unceremoniously dumped for India’s new boyfriend, Akhilesh Yadav.

Now, whatever you do, don’t blame me for being distracted by all these shiny objects. Blame stupid people for doing stupid things and those crass reporters for reporting every non-story as breaking news. The navel was already visible; all I did was gaze at it. Don’t shoot the recipient of the message! In fact, I get so angry at the media for reporting a non-story that I will punish them by continuously watching and/or reading every new non-development update about stories which don’t deserve to be extensively reported on. Don’t tell anyone, but, sometimes, I even go out looking for things to be outraged about. No, no, I don’t have any ulterior motives when I do that! I follow these stories ironically! Do you think I like feeling superior to stupid people? Don’t Simon Cowell me, bro.

A government which refuses to govern. An opposition which is even more incapable. A media which has a shorter attention span than an infant. A people who match the government’s sense of apathy.

At least the captain of the Costa Concordia had the decency to abandon ship.

Dear Indian media and south block diplomats, Barack Obama is not your boyfriend

So Manmohan Singh is back in Washington, because "The Barack Obama" invited him, to steal all of India's nukes and then distribute them equally between Pakistan and China, because he hates outsourcing?!

Anyways, it's that time of the year again, whenever there is some official level interaction between the Indian and American governments, everyone in the Indian media, print or teevee, has just has one question and one question only: WHAT IS THE CURRENT STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION? IS IT BACK? HAS IT GONE AWAY? IT'S BACK ISN'T IT? OR HAS IT GONE AWAY? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME? WAIT, WHAT IS THIS NEW SHINY OBJECT YOU'RE HOLDING? TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE NEW, SHINY OBJECT. . . .

Everyone (the media and their "anonymous sources" in South Block) keeps talking about how the previous Bush administration was such a "good friend" to India. Don't you remember how we could call ol' Dubya anytime of the night, to complain about how after gym class whenever we were in the locker room changing back into our casuals, Pakistan used to pick a fight with us to distract us so that China could sneak behind our back and empty a whole tube of ben-gay into our fresh, clean underwear. And Dubya used to huff and puff and threaten to blow someone's house down!

And this Obama, he doesn't even poke us back on facebook! What a big 'ol meanie!

Despite the fact that by Dubya did more to upset the Indo-Pak defence "equilibrium", then any other American President before him, he's still missed by everyone, and is seen as a "good friend" to India. The reason that is set in stone is because of the Indo-US nuclear power deal. Even though that was signed not because our buddy had a soft-spot for India, but because it was good for American business interests. Which is why countries usually do business with other countries, because it benefits them in some way or the other!

Shocking! I know!

The truth is that, Bush gave all those little girls in the media and South block a lady boner because just like them he didn't worry about "global warming" or the "Geneva convention" or "International treaties" etc. He would bomb, whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted! He was their brave, white knight in faux cowboy boots, out there killing the bad guys! Even though most of the times the bad guys turn out to be innocent civilians!

And this new guy, Chocolate Gandhi, wants to talk about all those gay things like "nuclear disarmament" and "cutting carbon emissions" and wants to withdraw his army from Afghanistan and Iraq. Gee, what a homo! Whoever has ever even heard of "nuclear disarmament" in our country?

Of course, right now, India and the US have different goals, internationally.  Obama is not here to make friends. He's looking out for his own country's interest, and we should look out for ours. Which doesn't mean that both countries can't be "friendly" with each other and go out for a beer once in six months or  spoon each other every few years (NO HOMO). It's really hard for our media to comprehend the fact that two adults can be friends without actually agreeing on everything. What else do you expect? These are the same people who morphed Amitabh Bachchan's gig of becoming Gujarat's brand ambassador into WHY DID AMITABH BACHCHAN PERSONALLY KILL EVERYONE IN GUJARAT, IN 2002?

The fact of the matter is that even if Barack Obama forcefully lands in Pakistan, bitch slaps Zardari and then pees on Jinnah's grave, our news anchors will find some way to complain about how his actions prove his negativity towards India (I can already imagine Arnab Goswami asking G Parthasarthy "Does his peeing over Jinnah's grave mean that Obama is trying to melt the frozen dialogue with the Taliban?"). All these insinuations are usually for the viewers/readers benefit. Whenever someone from the Obama administration comes a-knockin, they gush over them like a creepy overage Justin Beiber fangirl!

Someone needs to remind them that this is international politics. It requires a little more nuance than what is required during the weekly meeting of the Lajpat Nagar Traders Association (Regd).

Hold the phone shylock because Rahul Gandhi just made an important discovery

Our next king and emperor, the scion of our country's "first family", the personification of all that is pure in this world, the apple of every mother's eye, Lord Rahul Gandhi has just made a discovery by reading the December 2000 issue of DUH magazine which has eluded millions and millions of people before him. 

India has two sides, the urban and developed and the rural and underdeveloped, Congress general secretary Rahul Gandhi said here today.

"There exists two Indias -- one in towns and cities with highrise buildings, computers, cars and modern gadgets, and the other in rural areas, still underdeveloped for lack of facilities and opportunities," Gandhi told a rally to thank the people for voting back the Congress to power in the state of Arunachal Pradesh.

Oh My God! Why has no one else thought of this before?

Dammit! As they say, when you lose something, it's always at the LAST PLACE YOU LOOK. If only someone had thought of checking inside Rahul Gandhi's head.

However, now that we know, EVERYTHING's going to be okay. Because Rahul Gandhi is ON THE CASE. And as you know, when Rahul Gandhi is on a case, he ALWAYS SOLVES IT. He's like that guy from those uppity Arthur Conan Doyle novels.

"I took a British minister to the villages some time back to show him the strength of the people of rural India, as they were making use of the opportunities offered to them by the NREGA and the waiving of loans," he said.

"But I was criticised by the BJP, which alleged that I was showing the poverty of the country to a minister from a foreign country," he said.

Yes, because the BJP in it's infinite wisdom thinks that if you IGNORE something completely, it will go away. That is the reason no one in the BJP is talking to Rajnath Singh anymore. Someone should memo them and let them know that this doesn't work. Have they even seen Bigg Boss?

Anyways, I'm sure the "minister from a foreign country" knows that there are a few dozen poor people in India, because he must have seen Slumdog Millionaire.

It is heartening to know that his highness will be our next "Dear Leader". I feel optimistic about the country's future already.

Jai Ho!

India has two sides, developed and underdeveloped, says Rahul Gandhi [DNA]

[Hat Tip: Iyer Deepak]

Somebody please give Jairam Ramesh his own show. Please.

 
Look, my hair has 0% dandruff. Geddit?

 

Say what you want to, but UPA: Season 2 is beginning to sound more fun than the first one. At first, the only comedic stars to emerge from this comedy classic were Shashi "Tweety" Tharoor, A "What's your spectrum?" Raja and VK "Imma Lawwwya" Moily. However, thanks to the writers of the UPA show, another great comedic superstar is now emerging from the shadows.

Usually only known for his really well styled hair (I know, but this joke is still funny to me.), he was last spotted solving the problem of climate change.

He's now back, with more comedic gold:

“The single-most important cause of [carbon] emissions is eating beef,” Ramesh said. “My formula is stop eating beef. This would stop the emission of [large amounts of] methane.”

Yes. All the damn emissions are because of the damn beef eaters. Stop closing those factories people, and start eating the green crap growing in your garden. If you don't have a garden, you're probably poor or live in Bombay. Either way, your life isn't that valuable. Sorry. Maybe next time, try to be born in some garden-heavy city. Preferably in the 'real India'. Where what you eat and what happens after you eat it are on display in the same field.

And Mr. Minister, I'm sure you don't have an agenda while trying to convert everyone into eating & shooting vegetables. I mean, shooting and eating vegetables. Dammit! I mean eating shoots and leaves.

A vegetarian himself, Ramesh offered a pat on the back for non-beef eaters, saying they help in “climate mitigation”.

Fuck yeah, vegetarians and non-vegetarians who don't eat beef. You just got a pat on the back from Jairam Ramesh.  THIS IS PROBABLY YOUR LIFE'S BIGGEST HONOR. Savour it and probably don't wash your back on the spot where you got patted by Uber-environ-mentalist, His Green Highness, Jairam Ramesh.

Or, on second thoughts, please wash your back. I am allergic to any kinds of smell. Thanks.

Now, wait. This is not over.

There are other things he said too:

Environment and Forest Minister Jairam Ramesh, known for making forthright comments, today said if there was any Nobel Prize for dirt and filth, India would get it.

Yes. It is a sublime tragedy indeed, your forthrightness. If only you would have been in government and were able to do something about it. Maybe they should make you a minister or something. If only your party was the party "governing" the country for the past five years. Or the one that won the election with an increased majority.

If only!!!1!

Although, my favourite part of the article is when the reporter says Mr Ramesh is known for making forthright comments.

In fact, I think, if there was a nobel prize for making forthright comments, Jairam Ramesh would get it.

 

WAIT! I JUST thought of ANOTHER REALLY, REALLY bright idea.

You know what will be the BEST THING for the environment?

 

Wait for it . . . .

 

 

If we stop publishing newspapers at all.

Because, MORE NEWSPAPERS = MORE NEWS REPORTERS

And, MORE NEWS REPORTERS = LOTS OF HOT AIR BLOWN UP PEOPLE'S ASSES

Finally, LOTS OF HOT AIR BLOWN UP PEOPLE'S ASSES = GLOBAL WARMING

 

OhMaiGawd, I AM SO frikin' FORTHRIGHT TOO.

 

*Pats self on back*

*Breaks collarbone*

*Whatever*

 

Green at heart? Avoid beef: Jairam [HT]
If there is a Nobel prize for filth, India will win it: Jairam Ramesh [TOI]